Falcon Song: A love story (5 page)

Her tired eyes clouded momentarily and she sighed. She glanced down and then back up as he felt the disappointment drop into his gut as she said, “Jason, maybe getting married does feel like the honorable thing to do. And heaven knows I want that almost desperately. But it would be a mistake right now. I’m sure it would. We need to get married because we love each other and have no doubts about wanting to be together for eternity. Not because we feel guilty.”

Pausing, she leaned her forehead on his chest for a second and then looked back up at him. “Jason, can I be really, really gut honest with you?” He nodded somberly. “I’m afraid, Jason.” His eyes narrowed as he tried to understand what she was telling him as she went on in a whisper, “I’m so afraid you’ll become more and more popular and famous and rich and… And… That you’ll meet someone, someday who will make you wish you hadn’t married the girl next door. That someday in this whole super star deal you’ll find a flavor you like better than Kate. The thought of you regretting me makes me heartsick.”

Still with her heart in her eyes, she continued, “And married people have babies, Jason. I need you to be used to the glitz and fame and know I’m still the one. Before we have children involved. I can’t stand the thought of being the failed marriage on the covers of the magazines at the grocery store. Especially with a child or two caught in the middle. I’m sorry, Jason, but I have to know. It seems backwards. But I
have
to know.”

She stopped and dropped her eyes and he shook his head and said softly, “Kate, how many times do I have to tell you? Baby, I’m not seventeen anymore. I’m twenty four years old. Do you honestly not know to the depth of your soul that I want only you?” He pulled her face up to look at him and asked gently, “Kate, what do I have to do more than I have?”

Tears pooled in her eyes again. “You have to spread your wings and fly, Jason. Fly and then come home to me and we’ll have the biggest wedding on the planet. Just make sure first.”

He ran a hand through his hair and shook his head in frustrated disgust. “Geez, Kate, I wish you trusted me. And today I can’t even ask that.”

He swore bitterly and then pulled her tightly against him again as he let out a long sigh. “All right, Kate. We’ll wait. And I’ll fly and you’ll grow deeper roots and someday I’ll figure out how to prove myself to you. But, you know what Kate? I bitterly regret last night. I do. I’d give anything to take it all back. But you know what else? I probably shouldn’t even tell you this. It’ll make you sad again.”

She leaned her head back and looked up at him as he admitted almost fiercely, “I loved making love to you last night, Kate. I can’t even put into words what your body does to me. As wrong as that sounds. I do want you, Kate. I want you desperately. Nothing in my life has been as hard as keeping my hands off of you.”

He took a ragged breath and assured her, “I’ll wait. I’ll wait forever. And I’ll respect you. I have the greatest respect for you. But I was telling you the truth about Falcons mating for life. I haven’t changed. I’m never going to change. I’m in this for the long haul. I want to marry you, Kate. As soon as y’all can possibly get past this fear of all the other flavors. I want to try to start all over with you and take back having made intimacy with you such a hurtful thing. Because I
want
that Kate.”

He groaned and buried his face in her hair. “I need that, Kate. I need you.” He looked up and into her eyes. “And yeah, I want to talk to you, and laugh with you and work beside you and all of that. But I don’t want all of those things anymore than I want to have you in my bed every night for the rest of forever and ever and ever. Actually, it’s more than want. We’re way into need on the Richter scale here. Honestly, we’re probably even past need.”

Her eyes got big and he slowed and then said more gently, “I’m sorry, Kate. But you deserve gut honesty too. I’m just trying to tell you that I wish we could get married now. I wish you knew that there’s never a question of where my heart is. Even when there are crowds of different flavors. I will
always
come back to you, Kate Birch. Always. And I do want… Need intimacy with you. That’s the truth.”

He stayed looking into her eyes and after a moment or two she stretched up and kissed him. At first gently, and then with the same passion that had been in his voice when he’d been telling her of his need. Finally, she pulled back and looked up at him and said, “Then fly, Jason. Hurry and fly. Because I need you too.”   

Chapter 4

On their way into church the next day, Jason felt her grip on his hand tighten as they approached the door. Earlier, he’d gotten a less than enthusiastic welcome from her mother as she invited him in the door when Jason came to pick her up and he’d made a mental note to ask Kate just exactly what she’d told her. Now as they prepared to face their friends at church, he was infinitely glad no one here had an inkling about how much he’d messed up.

Even after the spiel he had given Kate the night before about the atonement, it was all he could do to walk inside those church doors himself. Thankfully, just what he’d hoped would happen when he’d encouraged Kate, did happen. Listening to the service and the lessons about the Savior and his pure charitable love for all men made truly coming back into the fold seem honestly doable. He could feel Kate loosen up a little as she sat beside him as well, and slowly but surely, that belly deep sick feeling began to dissipate.

They did feel better for having come to church, but the worry in her eyes that he’d wondered about lately was more apparent than ever and he wasn’t surprised when she refused an invitation to Sunday dinner at his parents’. Pleading tiredness, she left him on her front porch and he went over to his parents’ alone and lonely.

He asked her out again several times over the next week, but she only went with him three times and even then she seemed far more distant than he’d hoped. Every time he mentioned doing something with Cody that shadow would reappear in her eyes and he had to wonder if she’d ever want to do anything with his best friend and band partner again.

Finally, the night before he had to fly out for a concert in Mobile, she seemed to get back to the Kate he knew. He took her to a quiet dinner at an elegant restaurant and then back to his apartment where he played his guitar for her. She sat with her back against the couch at his feet like she’d done since she was a child and for awhile there it felt like the Jason and Kate from before that fateful night with the champagne. Even when a couple of women at the restaurant were whispering and obviously talking about him, Kate seemed to be herself for that whole evening and he was able to feel half way decent about flying out the next day and leaving her.

She rode with him and Cody to the airport in Oklahoma City like she usually did and Jason was glad she was able to greet Cody in a relatively normal manner as they picked him up, Jason had been worrying about how the two of them were going to deal with things since that awful night. Kate was none too effluent about her greeting, but she still agreed to take them. That was something.

He should have known she’d deal with things fine. She’d been handling the business for the band for a couple of years. In truth, even though she was only nineteen, going on twenty, she was the most competent person he’d ever known and handled the business end and scheduling and travel arrangements more smoothly than a whole team of help did for other bands their size. And she did that on top of being the general manager of her parents’ restaurant now and even going to college full time. She was amazing that way.

She’d had to learn to be professional at an early age as a result of her dad being injured so badly right before she turned fifteen. At that time, Kate had been helping at the family restaurant, while her parents managed it and her older sister Kiersten, who was then twenty, had been off to college just outside of Tulsa.

When her dad was hurt, her mother had needed to be with her dad, and Kiersten could only come home on the week ends. Kate had been the temporary stop gap and had pulled off being a very under aged manager with an amazing amount of aplomb for someone who had to ride the bus from school to get to work, have an older employee sign for the liquor shipments and then finish her homework after the place shut down at night. All in all, Kate ended up being a business and managerial whiz and had been invaluable in managing things for their up and coming band.

She had been too young to go to most of their concerts. She still was for some of them. And after going along a few times when they’d just been starting out, she’d been content to stay at home, where she claimed her roots were, and let Jason “fly” without her. Sometimes too content. Jason knew that the popularity and the huge amount of press were intimidating to her and now he knew why.

Still, Kate had an uncanny handle on the fact that a major portion of the band’s success hinged on that very glitz and she’d been incredibly effective at arranging PR events to promote them. They now had a part time manager, Scotty, and they both had agents, but Kate still managed the manager so to speak and Jason was incredibly proud of how well she handled everything. She was indeed amazing.

She usually just dropped them at the curb where they’d both pile out and meet the other members of the band and their techs and roadies, and then she’d take Jason’s car home so she could come back and pick them up again when they returned, but this time, they dropped Cody and their gear and he stayed with her for a few minutes.

He pulled ahead away from Cody so they had some privacy and then stopped the car and looked over at her; ridiculously loathe to leave her this time. There was the same sadness in her face that he was feeling, but there was also that slightly uncomfortable shadow of worry she’d begun to carry around with her, and he wished he had about an hour to sit and talk to her and hold her and tell her goodbye.

He didn’t, and they both knew it and it made telling each other goodbye under the circumstances worse than it had ever been.

After they looked at each with their hearts in their eyes, he reached over and took her hand without saying anything. He knew she was struggling not to cry and it was incredibly troubling. She had cried more in the last ten days than she’d cried in the last year. He hated what that one stupid, mistake filled night had done to her normally perpetual enthusiasm. That next day she’d said she was wiser, but realistically that computed to quieter and less prone to smile and it killed him.

He didn’t know what to say to fix this, but he had to catch a plane and finally, he leaned across and pulled her closer until her face was only inches from his. Trying to smile, he said, “I’m going to spread my wings now, Kate. Kiss me and kick me out of this car. Would ya?”

She gave him a halfhearted smile back as she leaned toward him and snuggled against his chest over the console between the seats. Without looking up, she whispered, “I already miss you, Jase.”

His voice was husky as he replied, “I already miss you too.”

Looking back up at him, she cranked her smile a notch brighter and tried to be cheerful as she said, “Go get ‘em Falcon. You’re going to have great concerts. I can feel it.” She quickly kissed him. “You’re gonna be a huge star some day, Jason. Have fun on the journey.”

He gave her a genuine smile. “I am gonna be huge, thanks to you. And I will have fun. I love what I do. I just wish I didn’t have to leave you to do it.”

The smile didn’t quite reach her eyes and she swallowed hard. “We’ll figure it out. Be safe.”

“You too.”

He leaned over to kiss her gently and then held her tightly for just a moment. He kissed her one more time, hard but still with restraint and almost groaned as he pulled an inch or two away. She blinked away tears as she whispered, “Hurry back to me, Jason.”

He tenderly brushed away the one tear that spilled over. “I
always
come back to you, Kate. I can’t help it. Falcons mate for life. Trust me.” He kissed her gently. “Trust me. I love you, Kate. See you Monday.”

Opening the car door, he got out as she got out of the passenger side. He reached into the back seat to grab his carry on and then held the driver’s side door for her as she finished walking around. They came together for one last, almost painful hug and he kissed her, trying to convey all the emotion that was ripping him apart in that one, intense gesture. Geez, it was hard to leave her today.

Cody yelled from down the curb and Jason reluctantly pulled away, raised a hand to caress her cheek and then forced himself to turn away from her deep, worried blue eyes and jog down the walkway to make his plane. Today, he could feel her worries clear to his soul.
Be okay, Kate. Please be okay.

At the door to the terminal, he turned back to look at her. She wasn’t still standing beside his car, but it was still parked there and he began to silently pray as he ducked inside the door. “Please, God, help her. Strengthen her. Watch over her with an extra measure of comfort for me until I get back home to hold her.”

Once he and Cody had finally made it to their seats with the other members of the band in the row behind them, Jason leaned back with a sigh and closed his eyes. He loved performing, but leaving her like that was hellacious.

He sat there for several minutes with his eyes closed and then Cody quietly asked, “Is she okay, Jase?”

Jason opened his eyes to look at his best friend and gave a minimal shake of his head. “No, she is definitely not okay.”

Cody’s brown eyes held unspeakable remorse. “I’m sorry, man.”

“Me too, Cody.”

After a long pause, Cody said, “You should pray for her, Jason.”

Jason turned and gave a tired grin to his wild and loyal to the death friend and shook his head. “I am. Trust me, Rawlings. I am.”

Cody gave him a tentative smile back. “Believe it or not, Jason, I am too.”

At that, Jason chuckled right out loud and settled more into his seat. They were going to make it through this. With both God and Cody rooting for them, how could they not?

                                          ***

Embarrassed to be sitting at the curb bawling her eyes out, Kate struggled to get her emotions under control enough to be able to drive safely before she pulled away. Why was she feeling like this today? She’d dropped Jason at the airport about a hundred times and it hadn’t been this hard before. Crimonies, she had been an emotional wreck lately.

She sat up straighter and tried to swallow her tears. She didn’t want to look like she’d been crying again. Her mother was about ready to commit her and half the wait staff was beginning to wonder if she was losing it. There was no reason to cry anyway. Jason was just going to a couple of gigs and then he’d be back. He’d promised. And he’d never let her down before. Well, almost never. Just once. Just one really big once. She started to cry again as she hit the interchange at highway 40. Where were these tears coming from? This was beyond ridiculous.

By the time Jason had been gone three days, Kate was beginning to wonder what in the world was up with her. She’d been emotional a few times in her life but this was insane. She cried at every thing from stubbing her toe to the National Anthem. Sure she’d been upset about what happened between her and Jason, but she’d made a serious commitment to do better at living within her standards and she knew Jason had done the same, and they were going to get through this, just like he’d promised. Still, she had mood swings that were off the charts sometimes. It was making her nuts. She had a life to live for Pete’s sake.

A new request had become part of her prayers every day. “Lord, help me to be mentally tougher.” Even with school out for the summer, between the restaurant and business for the band, she was spread too thin to take time to be emotionally ballistic.

That Friday, her mother stopped her as she was heading out to the restaurant in the early afternoon. She put a gentle hand on Kate’s arm, studied her face for a moment and asked, “Katie, are you keeping up with taking your vitamins? You look like you might be low on iron. I don’t remember you ever having dark circles under your eyes like you have right now.”

Kate grinned. “My, but y’all have a nice way of saying I look haggard. As a matter of fact, I always take my vitamins. And eat right. And exercise. I even wash behind my ears. But you’re right. The eyes are pitiful. I’ll double up on the iron.”

“Maybe that’s the problem. Maybe you’re doing too much. Kiersten was mentioning just the other day that with the twins in school full days now, she’s bored out of her mind. Why don’t you bump up her hours and back yours off. You could actually spend a day at the spa or go to the Lake when Jason gets back. Take some actual down time. It’d be good for a workaholic like you.”

She kissed her mother as she dug in her purse for her keys. “I’ll take you up on that.” She smiled. “I’ve earned it. I’ll have you know April was the most profitable month ever since you and Daddy opened the restaurant in 1981. Even adjusting for inflation. The building and all the equipment are paid off free and clear, business is booming, I’ve got two competent assistant managers who can just about run the place and y’all and Daddy are set for life as far as retirement savings. Well, unless you decide you need a yacht.” She grinned again. “If I didn’t already work for us, I’d hire myself! A couple of my business classes have really paid off on the management end.”

Her mother’s eyes got wide and then began to water. “Are you serious? Paid off? All of it?”

“And retirement accounts. You and Daddy had a marvelous idea for an Italian restaurant in that location. You get the business patrons, locals, and tourists all three. And you bought when land was bottomed out. You had perfect timing and a good plan. All it needed was your work ethic and good management. And then mine. With Maxine and Jerry, and Kiersten, now y’all don’t even need me.” She reached to give her mother a high five and then had to wait while her mother seemed almost in a daze. “See you, Mom. Have a great evening.”