Existing (18 page)

The sun has only just risen when I stumble out through the front door
with my bag over my shoulder. I walk hunched over through the winding streets and out toward the coast and remember the breakfast diner that my Father and I visited on our first day here.

We came to Cannon Beach a few days before Hallie and
Ava to make sure the house was ready when they got here with our stuff so we could move straight in. Hallie didn’t want to have to spend hours cleaning so I scrubbed that house on my hands and knees with my Father, making my hands red raw in the process. As a treat the next morning, he brought me here and we had breakfast together while watching the sun creep up over the sea. 

“You’re an early bird.”

I smile at the middle-aged waitress with purple hair. “Yeah, I guess I am. Can I get scrambled egg on toast please?”

She nods and writes my order onto her paper notepad. “What would you like to drink?”

“Um, I’ll have an English tea and an orange juice please.”

“Take a seat,” she says
, nodding toward the row of empty booths. “I’ll bring it over in a second.”

“Thank you.”

I carefully slide into the booth that I sat in with my Father and watch the early morning light touch down against the gentle waves. I let my eyes fall over the empty beach where I know it’ll be full of giant sculptures of monsters and giant men in June, ready for the annual sandcastle competition.

My thoughts are interrupted by the waitress quietly placing my breakfast down in front of me.

“Just holler if you need anything else, honey.”

I smile
up at her and pick up my silverware. “Will do. Thank you.”

She
smiles politely at me and heads back behind the counter.

I arrive at the library five minutes a
fter it has opened. The walk up the coast took much longer than it should as I hobbled my way along the walkway that runs parallel to the sea. I climb up the set of stone steps and push open the big glass door. An elderly lady sitting at a mahogany desk directly in front of me glances up and smiles at me over her rectangle-shaped glasses.

“Hello dear, how can I help you?”

I smile faintly and walk closer to the desk before I speak. “Hi, I’m new to Cannon Beach and was just wondering if I could register here and use the computers, please?”

“Certainly,” she says. “You just need to fill these forms out and then I’ll show you to the computer area.”

I take the forms and the pen she has given me and quickly fill in the details.

“Do you go
to the school in Cannon Beach?” she asks as her eyes skim down the form.

“Yes,” I reply
.

“Oh, it’s a busy year for you to start then
. Graduation is soon.”

I nod and follow her as her heels click across the marbled floor. “There are two girl
s already here from your school. They were waiting outside the door when I got here this morning. Do you have an important paper due or something?”

I limp up the wooden stairs behind her as we enter through another glass door
, indicating that we’re on level one. “Um,
I
don’t, but I can’t speak for the others.”

Her gentle laugh trickles along the corridor as we walk past the mountains of books stacked
in floor-to-ceiling wooden bookcases. “Here are the computers,” she says, pointing toward a set of desks directly in front of me at the end of the room. “Any reference books that you may require are located on this floor too. Give me a ring if you need any more help.”

“Thank you.”

She pushes her glasses back up her nose and nods at me before walking away.

I pull out the chair nearest to me and sit down at the desk
while the computer boots up. I pull out my folders and place them neatly by the side of me when I feel a figure hovering behind me. I turn around and blink.

“Hi, Rose. W
hat are you doing here?”

I smile at the two blonde-
haired girls that I vaguely recognize but can’t recall either of their names. “Hi, I’m um, just doing some research.”

“For what?”

I look between the two of them, trying to think of a good excuse but come up with nothing. “I’m researching something for my sister and just needed to get out of the house.”

The girl on my right nods. “I know that feeling. I have two younger brothers t
hat tear around the house getting on my nerves.”

“Sorry,” I say
, shaking my head. “I can’t remember your names. I’ve seen tons of new faces this week.”

They both laugh. “It’s okay,” the girl on the right says, “I’m Dominique and she’s Emma. We were at the party on Friday night.”

“Were you?” I ask, turning back around as they move back to their seats opposite me. “I wasn’t inside much, so I didn’t see who was there and who wasn’t.”

Dominique looks up over her screen at me
, blinking her dark brown eyes at me. A playful smile spreads across her face. “We know why you weren’t inside. I can’t believe you’ve caught his attention already after a week.”

“Whose?” I ask
, wondering what they’re talking about.

“I can,” interrupts Emma. “Rose is gorgeous.”

“Well, yeah,” agrees Dominique, “but lots of other gorgeous girls have tried and failed.”

I can feel my cheeks blushing as I stare at each of them. “Who are you talking about?”

“Cabe,” they both say at the same time.

“He spent more time with you at the party
than anyone else.” Dominique grins at me as if she’s waiting for me to tell them something exciting.

After
what happened with Hallie on Saturday, I hadn’t thought much about the party or Cabe. I’m surprised they haven’t already heard the gossip, but I’m not about to be the one that fills them in on him and Gabriella.

“Oh, I
guess it’s just because we are on the swim team together. We were talking techniques and stuff.”

I watch their faces fall.

“Seriously?” asks Emma. “That’s what he was talking to you about?”

I shrug
, not quite knowing what I should be saying. I’ve never been any good with talking to other girls. I’ve never had friends really so I don’t know how much girls usually tell each other.

“So he’s still up for grabs?”
Emma pushes.

I shrug again. “Well
, we’re not together, so take that as you want I guess.”

They grin at each other.

“What about that Ashley guy?” inquires Dominique. “He’s hot as hell.”

I shrug. “I don’t really know him
, to be honest.”

Emma leans forward on her elbows and grins. “It look
ed as if you knew him when you walked out of the laundry room together.”

I shrug. “We were just talking and we were both pretty drunk, so I can’t really remember what we were talking about, but I definitely remember that talking was all that we did
.” I don’t want any rumors flying around about me and Ashley. I’m probably being talked about enough as it is.

I lower my head and log into the computer with the temporary password that is stuck on a yellow post-it note on the screen. Dominiqu
e and Emma seem to have gotten bored of me and talk between themselves for the next hour until they say their goodbyes to me and leave. When they walk out the door, I lower my head onto the desk. I’m so tired. I didn’t sleep well last night because every position seemed to hurt either my back or my knee.

I spend the rest of the day browsing the internet and researching
a little for my English assignment. The morning dragged by, but after I nipped out to grab some lunch and some ointment from the pharmacy, the hours started to speed away from me the closer it got to the time I needed to go.

At four
, the library assistant taps on the door. I glance up at her and see her pointing to the clock. I nod and shut down my computer and grab my things.

Dark clouds have rolled in across the sky when I exit the library. The wind feels cold as it whips across my face.
I feel my phone vibrating in my pocket and notice four missed calls from Charlotte and two from Ashley. I ignore both of them and slip my phone back into my pocket. I know they probably just want to talk about the party on Friday, but I don’t want to talk about it. The party was eventful, to say the least, but I can’t stop picturing myself dressed like a hooker. My memories of that night have been tainted by Hallie, and I don’t want to be reminded about what happened with Cabe on the beach and how humiliated I felt.

I pull my hood up just as the first droplets of rain patter down against the concrete. I huff and lower my head as I head t
oward home.

I slip out of the house and climb into my car. I don’t really know where I’m going. I just know that I need to go somewhere.
Anywhere. I can’t sort my erratic thoughts out when my four brothers are running around the house, screaming, arguing, and fighting with each other.

I turn out of the street and head in towards town. I can’t stop thinking about Roisin. I can’t belie
ve what Gabriella told them all, and for some stupid reason, what I hate the most about her telling lies about me is that Rose must have heard them. That’s obviously what she meant when she left the party on Friday night. That’s why she was so off with me.

I
really hate the fact that she’s gotten to me. What is it about her that’s made me break all of my rules? The rules I’ve had to work so hard to keep and the same bloody rules that were supposed to protect me.

I told her I thought she was beautiful.
I still can’t believe that I actually said that and she’ll never know how hard that was for me, which is why I shouldn’t be so pissed off that she dismissed me so easily.

And what
the fuck was she doing with Ashley? Or rather, what was Ashley doing with her? When I came back into the house, everyone was whispering and talking about them. People were suggesting they’d been shagging. Others were saying he was letting her cry on his shoulder. I’m not sure what I believe. What I do know is that the Rose I saw running around and screaming as a half-naked Ashley ran after her was not the Rose that I thought I knew.

I scratch my head as I realise that I don’t actually know shit about her. All I know is how she makes me feel and that’s worse. Feeling means I’m relying on emotions to try and figure her out. Emotions and feelings mean that I’ve let my heart dominate my head. Fuck.

“You nasty little bitch! How dare you ignore your Father all weekend? He’s been asking questions all day, wondering what’s up with his little princess.”

I shoot up in bed and stare at Hallie as she staggers
drunkenly toward me. I knew she’d come in, out of her mind off wine or whiskey or whatever it is that she drinks, when I came home and my Father told me she was out with her friends. I can’t believe she dares to go out and come home in the middle of the night drunk like this. Why does my Father put up with it?

She stumbles on the book that I left on the floor next to my bed and lands on her knees directly at the side of me. Her hand gropes my pillow, no doubt looking for my face.

“Hallie,” I say loudly in the hope that my Father hears me. “What are you doing?”

“Shush,” she hisses. “You’ll wake your Dad.”

“I’m already awake.”

I breathe a sigh of relief at the sight of my Dad standing in my doorway. “You need to come to bed
, Hallie. What are you doing in Roisin’s room?

Hallie mumbles something incoherent which makes my Father sigh. He strides into my room, grips her under her arms and lifts her up.

“Sorry about that, Rose,” he says, dragging her across my floor. “Go back to sleep.”

I nod and throw the covers back over me. My heart is racing in my chest
, making my breathing seem out of place and rushed. I can hear Hallie arguing with my Father in their bedroom and cover my ears with my pillow.

My phone beeps on the pillow next to me. I reach my hand out
to grab for it with my eyes still closed, thinking it’s the alarm. When I realize it’s a text message, I hit the read button and rub the sleep from my eyes.

Sorry about last night, darling. I’ve written you a note and left it on the kitchen counter.

Hope you’re feeling better soon. Dad x

After showering and getting dressed
, I walk into the kitchen and find the counter completely empty.

“Hallie?”
I call out in a panic.

“What?” she asks,
snapping her head around the kitchen door.