Existing (38 page)

He nods. “It’s okay
.”

“You must still miss them though?”

“Yeah, sure,” he sighs, “but my Aunty and Uncle have been brilliant.”

I nod. I can tell by the way
he sighs that he’s done talking about it. I can’t believe he went through such a terrible thing only a few years ago. I feel a hot tear streak down my face, and I’m so ashamed of myself that I angrily wipe it away with my sleeve. He doesn’t need my pity.

I sniff and push my hair from
out of my face. “So where do your Aunty and Uncle think you are?”

He smiles. “They know I’m here.”

“And they don’t mind?”

He laughs and I feel my shoulders sag in relief. Talking about his parents hasn’t made him sad. “No
, Rose. Why would they mind?”

I sigh. “I’m confused. I’m worried I’ve forgotten a conversation we’ve had or something.”

He leans back casually in his chair and I see the corner of his mouth pull up. “And what sort of conversation is it that you think you’ve missed?”

I tak
e a deep breath and put the DVDs onto the floor. “The one about us.”

“Why?”

I shrug. “This feels like more than what it was before I had my accident. I’m just confused.”

He nods. “Okay, does it feel wrong?”

“Well, no, but-“

“I like you
,” he interrupts, staring intently at me. “I really like you.”

I smile. “I like you too
, Cabe, but I don’t want you to like me because you feel guilty about what happened. I know you blame yourself for shouting my name when I was crossing the road, but I don’t want you to feel bad, and I don’t want you to feel like you have to be with me because of the guilt.”

He pushes his hand through his hair and then rubs his jaw.
“Right. This is how it is for me. I liked you already. We went to the party together and I kissed you before the accident. Please tell me you remember that?”

I nod. “Of course I remember that.”

“The first time I saw you I wanted you. There was something about you. You were beautiful, mysterious, and alluring all at the same time. Something inside of me switched on and I knew I wouldn’t be able to be in school with you without at least trying to get to know you. You must have sensed that. I dragged my brother out to play in the park so I could see you. I deliberately sat next to you in class so I could be near you. There’s something pulling me towards you and I don’t know what it is, so I’m just going with it. Or at least I was. The morning of the accident, I knew you must have felt something too. You’d clearly run from home and you ran to me.”

I nod
. I had run to him but I wasn’t sure if it was because he was the closest. “I don’t understand though, Cabe. You have tons of girls throwing themselves at you. Why me?”

He gets off the sofa and crouches down in fron
t of me. “I’ve told you before, they’re not you. You interest me more than they do. Do you know how annoying it is when girls put on stupid voices and bat their eyelashes at me? I don’t even see them half the time. I’m just aware that they’re there, but I saw you and you were just being you. There wasn’t anything fake about you or the way you acted around me. I saw your eyes and thought of a jacuzzi filled with all different coloured chocolate. I saw your hair and how it smelt like strawberries when you walked past me. I saw your face and how it lit up when you smiled.”

I look up at him through my lashes. “You’re embarrassing me.”

He shakes his head. “I saw your face, and then your back, and then your face again, and I wanted to strangle whoever had done those things to you with my bare hands. How could anyone do that to your pretty face? How could anyone mark your back like that and think that it’s okay? I hate her Rose. I hate her as much as one person can hate another.”

I swallow and pull my hands away from his. “I d
on’t want to talk about her.”

He stands up and sighs. “I know. I’m sorry.”

He walks out of the living room, leaving me sitting alone to ponder what he’s just said. I had no idea he felt like that. How offensive and patronizing I must have sounded when I tried to tell him to stop being nice to me because I thought he felt guilty. I need to fix this. I get up and walk out of the living room and find him standing in the hallway. I walk slowly toward him, brushing my hands across his back before leaning my head against him. I feel him tense.

“I’m sorry,” I say, “I was just making sure that you weren’t wasting a Saturday night with me when you could be with your friends because you felt like y
ou had to. Because you felt like you were to blame, for some reason.”

He sighs
and I lift my head as he turns around and pulls me into him.

“Let’s pick a film and then get this pizza ordered
, shall we?”

I look up and smile at him. “Sounds like a plan.”

It’s half past ten when I feel him shaking my leg. I stretch out, realizing I’ve fallen asleep with my head on his shoulder.

“I think it’s tim
e to get you to bed,” he says with a sleepy smile. “Where is your bedroom?”

“Upstairs, third door on the right.”
I yawn and let him pull me off the sofa.

“Where am I sleeping?”

I frown. I hadn’t thought about that. “Oh.”

He looks down at the sofa. “I can sleep
here if you’ve got a blanket or something.”

I rub my eyes to try and wake myself up a bit. “We have a spare bedroom. It’s upstairs.”

He clicks the television off and picks his bag up.

“Sorry for falling asleep,
” I say, feeling bad that I’ve been such lousy company.

I watch him
check the lock on the front door and then lead him up the stairs. “It’s okay. I think I might have fallen asleep too.”

I laugh. “We’re so lame
.”

We walk up the stairs in silence. We both walk into the bathroom and brush our teeth next to each other
, which feels weird and strangely familiar. We grin at each other when our eyes meet in the reflection of the mirror. I don’t want to spit in front of him, so I continue to brush until Cabe is finished and has left the bathroom.

When I come out
, Cabe is leaning against the wall with his arms crossed. “Where’s my room?”

I nod down the hallway. “It’s next to mine, through the fourth door
.”

He picks his bag up from off the floor and stops outside my room. “Are you going to be okay on your own?”

I smile. “Of course. I’m just going to get undressed and then I’ll be in bed.”

He nods and looks into my eyes for a long
time until he sighs and says, “Good night, Rose.”

I open my door and smile. “Good night
, Cabe, and thanks for staying with me.”

“No problem. See you in the morning.”

I step into my room and close the door behind me. I stand in the darkness and hug myself. I feel exhausted. I undress slowly and carefully in the dark and crawl up my bed.

My thoughts whirl around in my head about what he must have gone
through. It was hard for me not having a Mom so I can’t imagine what it must be like for him to not have either parent. I wonder if he feels guilty. The way he talked about his Aunty and Uncle, as if they were sacrificing a great deal for him, it almost seemed like it. I’m so glad they did, I think, as I snuggle down in the bed.

I can feel the pounding to my head. Her knuckles crack and grind against my skull. I wrap
my arms around myself and pull my legs up until I’m curled into a ball. She’s talking about me having sex. Why would she be talking about that? I feel my hair being pulled out of my head. It stretches my face so that my eyes feel like they’re going to explode. I’m crying. I can’t scream. Screaming will let her know that she’s hurting me. My hair is suddenly released and it happens so quickly that I don’t have time to stop my face from connecting with the cool, tiled floor. I hear myself groan and then everything goes black.

I wake up panting and sweating. I push the covers back quickly and feel my clammy skin sticking to the cotton sheets. The urge to cry sits in my throat thickly, choking me to the point of not being able to breathe. I stumble out of my bedroom
, pulling my white, silk nightie down so that it hangs loosely across the middle of my thighs. I don’t know why, but I push Cabe’s door open quickly with my shaking hand and charge toward the side of his bed. The noise of the hinges creaking jolts him awake.

“Shit,” he whispers. “Rose?”

I sniff. “Can I just sit here for a minute, please?”

“Of course you can. What’s the matter?” He pulls the covers back, revealing his bare chest and pats the mattress next to him as he shuffles over to the other side. I kneel onto the bed and just sit there sta
ring at him. “Tell me,” he demands.

I shake my head.
“Just nightmares. I’m sorry.”

He grabs the top of my arms and pushes me gently to the side so I’m lying next to him with my head on the pillow. I look at his face and hate myself for being so vulnerable right now
, and showing him just exactly how vulnerable I am. I turn over and wipe my face of tears.

“Do you want to talk about it?”
he whispers.

“Not really.”

“Okay.”

We lie there in silence for a few seconds as my tears subside and my body stops shaking.
“Cabe?” I ask with a whisper.

“Yeah?”

“When do you fly to the Maldives?”

“Tomorrow night.”

I hadn’t realized it would be so soon. I feel his strong arm wrap around me and his chest press against my back. “Sleep now, Rose.”

I do as I’m told
and almost instantly find myself slipping into a deep sleep.

The room is quiet except for Cabe’s deep breathing when I wake in the morning. The sun is seeping through the blinds
, basking the room in a light orange glow. I feel a heavy weight over my stomach and realize Cabe’s arm is still hanging over me. Neither of us must have moved all night. I lift my head, trying not to disturb him, and squint at the clock on the far wall.

“Cabe, wake up!”

He groans and lifts his head slowly while rubbing his eyes. When he opens them and sees me lying next to him, a smile breaks out on his face and melts my heart.

“It’s ten,” I say, not really wanting him to stop
looking at me like that.

His head flicks up quickly. “What?”

“It’s ten o’clock,” I say again.

He blinks three times. “Shit. I need to get up. I need to have breakfast and then I’m going to have to go home to pack.”

I feel the ache of missing him already settling into my heart. “Of course.”

I exit
the guest room to let him get dressed in privacy and run into the bathroom. I groan inwardly when I see my bed head in the mirror. I flick the shower on and step into it, letting the water flatten my hair. As I stand there, the images from my dream whirl around in my head. I push my hair from my face and take a deep breath. It was Hallie. It was definitely Hallie that attacked me when I got home after the party. I look at the back of my thigh where the water rushes over it and see the small, red circle that her cigarette left. I didn’t even know she smoked.

I want to tell Cabe but I know I can’t, not when he’s about to go away for two weeks. It’s too selfish. At least Hallie isn’t going to be here for those two weeks. A
nd at least I’ll have a chance to sort it out in my own head before I do something.

After my shower
, I wrap my towel around myself and hurry across the landing before he has a chance to see me. I pull on my leggings and a top that hangs off one shoulder and skims over my backside, and then twist my damp hair into a bun on the top of my head. I walk slowly down the stairs where the smell of food hits me before I’ve even reached the bottom.

“Good morning.
” Cabe smiles as he places a plate of pancakes onto the breakfast bar. “I hope you like pancakes.”

I smile. “Good morning to you too
, and yes, I do like pancakes. Thank you.”

He pulls my chair out for me and then sits down beside me. My eyes scan the array of
food that he’s managed to cook up while I was in the shower and I’m amazed. I grab some bacon and a pancake and pour syrup all over it. Neither of us speaks while we’re eating. The food tastes too good for me to stop chewing long enough for me to say something and Cabe seems to be enjoying it just as much as I am. He finishes before I do and pushes his plate away from him before leaning his elbows on the counter.

I swallow the last mouthful of
food and sigh. “That was so good.”

He nods. “Breakfast is my favo
rite meal of the day.”