Existing (36 page)

I push my hands up and over my head to free my face from my hair and look
up to find Cabe’s face centimeters from mine. His eyes move over me quickly. I try to concentrate on them, but I need to put my head back down again. I groan as I do so.

“Good m
orning, Rose,” he says, sounding like he’s smiling.

“Hello
, Cabe.”

“Fancy seeing you in here
, huh?”

“Yeah,” I mumble. “Fancy that.”

He laughs and kisses the top of my head. I think of the pictures I’ve seen, and even though I feel sick to my stomach, I smile.

“So this was a set up then
, was it?” I ask, although I know the answer.

He brushes my hair from off my face and lifts my chin slowly until we’re looking at each other. “Not really. We thought you’d enjoy the walk outside and I figured I’d give you two some girly time before I put my shift in.”

I roll my eyes at him. “I don’t need babysitting.”

“Well, that’s not what your dad thinks,” says Charlotte. She places
a carafe of water down onto the table and slides in opposite me.

He nods
in agreement. “Or the hospital, or Charlotte, or me, or the brain injury specialist or Mrs Yuler.”

“Who’s
Mrs. Yuler?”

He smiles. “I don’t know. I just added her in at the end to see if you were listening or not.”

I sigh and pull my face out of his grasp.

Cabe grins and pushes me
over a little so he can sit next to me. “Feeling better?”

“Yes,” I say, as I pluck apart a warm croissant, “much better.”

“Did your Dad get to work alright this morning then?”

I glance at Cabe with a mouthful of food and shrug.

“Yes, he did,” says Charlotte. “We completed the turn-over at approximately seven thirty. I picked up around the house before waking her majesty up.”

I swallow quickly. “Are you actually being serious, because if you are
, then this is stupid. No, more than stupid, it’s ridiculous and completely unnecessary. I’m not a baby, for God’s sake! I’m nearly an adult and okay, I may have had an accident but I can get around fine. It’s not like I need someone there to wash me or help me to the toilet or anything, right?” I sit back in my seat, feeling exhausted.

Charlotte makes
a face. “Actually, I had to ask your Father to remove that clause from our contract. There was no way I was wiping your backside. Not even for a thousand bucks.”

I feel my mouth drop open. I’m too shocked to talk
so I cross my arms angrily over my chest and look out the window. After a few seconds, I hear them laughing at me.

“Are you sure your brain hasn’t suffered any form of permanent injury?” asks Charlotte
, wiping a tear from her eye.

“Oh ha, ha.
Very funny. Oh no wait, no it wasn’t. Not funny at all.”

Cabe chuckles silently at the side of me
, but I know he’s laughing because he’s refusing to look at me and I can see his shoulders shaking up and down under his hoodie.

“It wasn’t what we said that was funny, although that was pretty funny.” She glances at Cabe and manages to suppress the giggle that’s tick
ling her throat.

I narrow my eyes at her.

“It was your reaction. You were so cute.”

“Bite me
,” I tell her.

I stick my tongue out at Charlotte and then we both smile.

I look around the booth at the three of us sitting here laughing and joking and realize that I’ve never once wished that the car had killed me. A few months ago, I used to fantasize about getting hit on the way to school, or falling down the stairs by accident, or something like that. Anything to make it all go away without the guilt of doing to my Father what my Mother did.

“What are you thinking about?”
Charlotte asks.

“Nothing,” I say
, far too quickly. “Just how nice this is, I guess.”

“You’re so strange,” laughs Charlotte
, throwing a piece of muffin at me. “But you’re so right. I’m glad you didn’t die, Rose.”

“Wow,”
Cabe says with a smile. “Talk about being blunt.”

“Yep,” I
say, smiling back. “That’s just the way I like it.”

“I’ll remember that.”

“You do.”

“I remember lots of things.” He stares down at me and then looks away
, clearing his face as if nothing has just happened.

Charlotte scowls and shakes her head. “He’s nuts,” she mouths.

I laugh and throw the muffin back at her.

I wave goodbye to Charlotte half an hour later and it looks like Cabe is sticking around to take over the baby
-sitting duties.

“So, what was all that about earlier
when you said that you remember lots of things?”

He scratches the back of his head. “Sorry about that. I totally forgot you
r memory is still a little spotty. ” His eyes widen and then he laughs. “Shit. I just totally messed that up too.”

I shove the remaining pieces of croissant into my mouth and smile.

“What I meant was that you said you would tell me what goes on at home. About why you had those marks across your back.”

I nod. I swallow my food, take a sip of my drink
, and wipe my mouth with a napkin. “Can we walk while we talk? I need some fresh air.”

“Sure,” he says,
pulling out his wallet and throwing some money on the table.

We walk out of the diner and down onto the beach. The sun is higher up in the sky now
, and I can feel the vitamin D soaking into my skin. It feels like heaven. I hate being cooped up indoors all day. I follow him down the worn, wooden steps until we’re on the beach. Cabe leans down and takes his shoes off before undoing my Converse and pulling them slowly off. I take them from his hands when he stands up.

“I w
ould have carried those for you,” he tells me.

“I can carry them myself, but thanks.”

He grins as we walk toward the edge of the ocean. My feet feel the first mini-wave of water wash over them and it feels fantastic. We walk in silence for a short while before Cabe slips his hand in mine.

“You don’t have to tell me
, you know. If you really don’t feel comfortable or you don’t want to, then don’t.”

I feel the heat of his fingers that are curled around my hand and feel safe being with him
. “It’s okay. I want to tell you.”

“Good,” he says, “because I want you to let me in
, Rose. I want to know everything there is to know about you.”

“Everything?”

“Yup. Everything.”

So I tell him. I tell him about growing up without my Mother. I tell him about
Ava. I tell him about the ghost. I tell him about Hallie and how she’s always seemed like she hated me and that I never knew why. I tell him about the old Rose at the old school. And I tell him about the baby. I have to stop at this point because I’m crying so hard that he can’t actually understand what I’m saying. I let him pull me into him as I sob into his chest.

“Oh, Rose, I’m so sorry,”
he whispers against my hair.

I sniff and pull away from him. “It’s okay, but there’s more.”

He shakes his head and wipes my tears away with his thumbs. “You don’t have to.”

I nod. “I do,” I say.

I tell him about the occasional shoves or snide comments that used to happen, and then I tell him what started happening to me after we moved here. I tell him about what my Father told me. I tell him that I can remember seeing a diary, but I can’t actually remember reading it. I give him everything. I lay myself out bare for him until I can’t think of anything else to say.

When I’m done
, he leans forward and kisses my forehead gently. I look up and watch his face crumple into a frown. Then he grabs a few stones from the beach and launches them into the sea. I can tell he’s angry, but I don’t know why. When the three stones have been thrown into the ocean, he quickly bends down and grabs a handful more. One by one, he throws them into the water, shouting something each time he does as I just stand back and watch him.

“What are you doing?” I ask.

“I don’t know,” he huffs. “I just felt really pissed off and angry, and throwing those made me feel that little bit better.”

“O-
kay,” I say, feeling confused.

“I’m glad you told me,
” he finally says.

I take a deep breath and turn to face him. “It’s not pretty. I
never said it was going to be pretty.”

“I know,” he says, “
and I’d braced myself for it, but I don’t understand why you haven’t told anyone. I can maybe understand the first punch to the face. You were shocked. She’d never done it before, but what about the rake to your back? That was horrific. No one should be allowed to do anything like that to you.”

“I know.”

“Then why didn’t you tell the police when they came to see you the other day?”

I shrug. “Two reasons really.”

He laughs but there’s no humor in it. “You have reasons that you think are okay?”

“Of course.”

“Go on then. Hit me with them.”

“First of all, I don’t want it to affect
Ava. Hallie is still her Mother. I need to be careful and second of all, I want to understand why she hates me so much.”

“So you were waiting to see how far she would go before she snaps?”

“Well, no. Maybe.”

“Rose,” he says, “if she’s capable of
doing those things to you, then God knows what else she might do.” He freezes. The color drains from his face. “Was it her? Was she the one that beat you the morning that you came to my house?”

I look away from him and watch two young children splashing about in the shallow waters. “I don’t know for sure, but I think so.”

“For Christ’s sake, Rose! You have to tell the police.”

“She’ll deny it
and anyway, I can’t really remember.”

“So what?
You need to tell them.”

“I’m waiting for the right time,” I tell him. “
I need to know why she hates me.”

He frowns.
“I thought you said it was because your Dad was married to your Mum and that you’re a reminder of her existence?”

“I don’t know
for sure, Cabe. That’s what I need to find out. She can’t hate me that much just because I’m my Mother’s daughter.”

He sort of laughs
again and then quickly shakes his head. “She’s obviously fucked up in the head. God knows what thoughts go through her mind.”

I loo
k into his eyes that are filled with concern for me and sigh. “I need to know. If I’m going to destroy my family and Ava, then I need to know why I’m doing it.”

He raises his eye
brows at me. “Here’s a thought, Rose, how about protecting yourself?”

I shake my head. “It’s not enough
, Cabe. Please try and understand.”

He pinches the skin in between his eyes
and huffs. “Okay. I can see we’re not going anywhere and you’re not going to back down on this, but this isn’t just your problem anymore, Rose. It’s mine too. I will not stand by and let her hurt you this way. Okay?”

I have no idea what he’s actually saying
, but it feels good to hear someone say they’ve got my back so I nod.

“And I don’t even know where to start on the other stuff. I can’t process it all right now, but I heard every word.”

“I’m sorry,” I say.

“Why are you saying sorry? What on Earth have you got to be sorry about?”

“I don’t know,” I stammer. “Well, I guess it’s because I’m such a mess. I bet you wish you’d have known all of that before.”

“Don’t be silly,” he says, grabbing my hand. “Some of the stuff you’ve said has surprised me, but it’s nothing that’s going to make me stop
caring about you.”

Shit. I can’t believe she actually came out and told me everything. I
t’s unbelievable what she’s been through. No wonder she seemed like she wanted to hide all of the time and looked as if she didn’t know how to act around people.

I can’t believe Hallie has done those things to her. I can’t bel
ieve Rose had a miscarriage. To be honest, I’m shocked that she’s not a virgin. I can’t figure out how she ended up having sex with someone if she never even spoke to people at her old school.

I can’t imagine what that feels like
, and don’t for one minute believe that Roisin has explained absolutely everything to me, but it must have destroyed her to go through all of that and have no one to talk to.