Divinely Living (Surviving Series) (13 page)

Lifting my head, I stared longingly at the steaming coffee begging to be drunk. Talking of matters related to Chicago and Alex required a level head and steady mind. I rarely possessed either before a fix of my chosen narcotic. Standing, I moved across to the mean machine, clasped the mug and took a long draw of fresh coffee. “Okay, I’ll speak to them both,” I replied half swig, “what time is your flight due in?”

The previous slur to his words returned. Obviously the slug of whatever his choice of poison was while we were talking had begun to kick in. “I’m not sure.”

“Call me when you land,” I said sincerely, “let me know you’re okay.”

“It’s probably going to be late by the time I’m through with customs and stuff. I’ll ring if I get time tomorrow.”

“Please Cameron,” I urged, “I want to see you. I need to know you’re okay, that we’re okay.”

I have no idea why, but the need to ensure he was still a part of my life became almost urgent. Losing Charlotte was a bitter pill to swallow but to lose Cameron too was unbearable to think about. “Let me buy you dinner or lunch or whatever. You choose it’s the least I owe you.”

“We’ll talk when I get home and I have time. That’s as much as I can promise you right now.” His voice almost broke and my heart hurt for him. What had my asking him to travel to Chicago actually done to him? Had it been too much for him to handle? I strongly doubted that was the cause of his obvious misery but it was the only explanation I was prepared to offer myself right then. Offering another, rekindling earlier thoughts was not an option and not somewhere I was prepared to go, not if I could help it.

“Okay I’ll deal, for now,” I replied. "Just take care of yourself and I’ll wait to hear from you.”

“Goodbye Ava,” was his short reply before the line went dead.

I held the phone in my hands, just staring at it blankly. Alex’s inheritance was not only tainting my life but also those closest to me. Cameron’s voice, words and demeanour were evidence of that. He was usually so warm, kind and compassionate, admittedly almost possessive at times. Cam was one of the good guys; the kind your mother would flip out over if you took him home. Hearing him sound so lost, so angry and almost vulnerable was disturbing, and self loathing settled deep in my bones for ever exposing someone so decent into Alex Matthews fucked up world. I barely survived it after years of living in it. How in gods name did I expect anyone else to do the same after only a matter of days?

Dropping the phone onto the counter, I swept my mug up in both hands and made my way to the couch. Reclining into the cool leather, the hot liquid ran down my throat warming me. I shivered slightly, not realising how cold Cameron’s call had left me feeling. Jumping slightly as two warm hands rested against my shoulder, a concerned looking half asleep Jonah rounded the sofa and knelt before me dressed in low hung faded denims with his chest and feet bare.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” He asked, his brows furrowed and eyes searching mine. Removing the mug from my hands, he placed it on the glass coffee table in front of me then reached for my hands. “You’re hands are cold. Talk to me Ava because you’re as pale as a ghost and scaring me a little right now.”

I tilted my head back and rested it on the sofa back. “I just spoke to Cameron.”

“Oh.” Jonah’s brow arched and lips thinned. “What did he say that left you in this state?”

I let out a breath, “Nothing I didn’t deserve to hear.”

His stomach muscles flexed teasingly and his biceps strained beneath his tanned skin as he leaned forward, scooped me up with ease and sat back down on the sofa with me pressed against him and curled in his lap.

Placing a kiss above his heart, I buried my face against the hard flesh of his chest. Two fingers lifted my chin and a dazzling pair of azure eyes fixed firmly on me. “If this is about you and me sweetheart, then my patience is beginning to wear really thin.”

I shook my head and dropped my eyes. “He was angry and as every right to be. I go living it up in St. Tropez with you while he’s thousands of miles away from home dealing with my shit because I asked him to. I’d be pissed at me too.”

A soft kiss was placed on my forehead. “You asked a friend to help you, there’s nothing wrong with that.”

Straightening my back, I sat upright on his thighs. “I asked too much and expected too much. You can push friends too far.”

His jaw hardened. “He wants more than friendship, that’s the real fucking problem here.”

Rolling my eyes, I feigned irritation and prayed the words he spoke and I thought of earlier were nothing more than a ridiculous notion with no truth behind it. “Whatever.”

“You really do have no idea do you?” He planted a chaste kiss on my lips.

“I’m really growing tired of hearing that statement. One day I’ll actually know what the hell I have no idea about.”

His fingertips brushed my cheek. “Take a look in the mirror. The answer will be staring straight back at you with beautiful green eyes.”

Wrinkling my forehead and narrowing my eyes, I shrugged off his endearment and steeled myself ready to speak words I never would have believed would ever leave my lips. Speaking to Cameron confirmed what I refused to admit since learning of inheriting Alex’s estate. It couldn’t be refused, denied or revered from any longer. No matter how much I wanted to.

Taking in a lungful of air I spoke in a rush before I had time to chicken the hell out of what I was about to commit myself to. “I can’t rely on other people to deal with my problems anymore Jonah. It’s time I started facing up to things myself.”

He eyed me cautiously. “Okay. So what the hell does that mean?”

I gritted my teeth, sickness settling in my stomach. “I’m going back to Chicago and I’m going alone.”

His stunned look spoke volumes.

The arm at my waist tensed, his entire body froze. My heart beat painfully as if threatening to burst through my chest. The silence was an uncomfortable one and the atmosphere crackled between us. I sat in his lap waiting for his reaction and knowing on instinct it wasn’t going to be a good one. Venturing alone to the city that held so much torment for me scared the living shit out of me but if speaking to Cameron told me anything, it was that involving the ones I loved in anything to do with my dark past brought nothing but misery to them. Allowing the man I
needed more than oxygen to live to become covered in Alex’s taint was not going to happen. But from the way his jaw began to throb and he blew out a huge, steadying breath, making him understand that, was going to be my hardest hurdle to date.

Standing abruptly, he dropped me to my feet, stalked into the kitchen and slammed his palms on the kitchen island, his back to me. Every muscle down his spine contracted viciously with each deep breath he took. I anxiously stood rooted to the spot, unable to move and steeling myself for the wrath of a furious Jonah.

Flexing his head from side to side as if trying to relax the taut muscles in his neck, his voice was low and deathly flat when he eventually spoke. “Nothing I do is ever enough for you. I’ve given you my heart, laid my life in your hands and still you’re cutting me off and shutting me out.” He shot a menacing look over his shoulder that rippled fear through me. “What do I have to do, Ava? Tell me
what the fucking hell I have to do
for you to let me in?”

“Jonah, please, you’ve got this all wrong,” I whispered.

Slowly turning around, he leaned his ass against the surface top and crossed his arms over his chest. His lips thinned into a hard line. “Then enlighten me.”

Shifting on my feet, I swallowed hard trying desperately to remove the lump of tears lodged in my throat. “I can’t keep asking people I care about to sort my fucked up life out for me Jonah. My past is mine to face and deal with, nobody else’s.”

His face darkened, “You had no problem asking Cameron for help. Am I missing something where you two are concerned?”

Irritation pricked at me and anger began to churn in my stomach. “Cameron is a really good friend and nothing more. He was there for me when you were keeping secrets and hiding shit from me.”

He remained composed though his rigid posture told he was anything but. “I can’t imagine he took much persuading,” he crossed his ankles, “and let’s be honest sweetheart, I’m not the only one guilty of keeping secrets and hiding shit, now am I?”

I began to shake with rising temper. “There’s no comparison between your reasons for lying and deceiving the hell out of me and my reasons for not being forthcoming with you about my past and you know it.”

A glimmer of understanding flickered across his face before the hardness returned. “We both have pasts Ava. When are you going to forgive me for mine and allow me to help you deal with yours?”

“I do forgive you,” I said with firmness to my voice I didn’t fully believe in myself, “I wouldn’t be with you now if I didn’t. I love you, you asshole, if that isn’t proof of my forgiveness then I don’t know what is.”

“I believe you love me,” he closed his eyes as if savouring the words and their meaning, “but I need more.”

“What?” My eyes widened, “Isn’t my love enough, when you know how hard it is for me to give or feel it?”

He closed the distance between us in long strides and crushed me against the heat of his bare upper body. “Without your love I may as well be dead sweetheart. I thank God, every damn day for bringing your love into my life.”

Looking up, the sincerity in his eyes warmed my soul. “Then what more do you need?” I asked quietly.

Resting his forehead against mine, his breath swept across my face. “I want
in
Ava. I just want you to let me in.”

Placing my hands on his cheeks, I placed a kiss on his jaw. “You are
in,
you dumb ass. You always will be.”

“Then why is it so easy for you to accept help from friends but not from the man who would kill for you?”

I had no answer to his question. I knew unreservedly that I wanted to protect him, shelter him from the pain and heartache that revisiting the place of my nightmares would most definitely inflict on me. But was I really prepared to hurt him more by doing that, even if I believed it to be for the best? What he saw as shutting him off, I saw as protection. Was having that belief the wrong one?

Slipping my arms around his trim waist, I pulled him closer and pressed my cheek against his chest. “I love you for wanting to help me.”

The towel wrapped around my hair slipped to the floor and Jonah’s fingers tangled in the long, damp curls it had been containing. “I have to be the one you come to with all your problems and worries. Protecting you and keeping you safe is my privilege sweetheart.”

I sighed and relaxed against him. “Does it really mean that much to you?”

His hand lifted my chin; his lips pressed a kiss on the tip of my nose. “Yes it really does.”

Hunger stirred deep within my core as his free hand began to fiddle with the remaining towel that was knotted at my cleavage. The brush of his fingertips against my skin spread heat across my breasts and a dull ache of need began to throb between my thighs. It had been merely hours since he was hard, erect and inside me but to my greedy sex and body those few hours were hours too long without him.

Tugging his head downwards, I claimed his mouth. Moulding his lips against mine, his throaty groan as he allowed my tongue entry to his mouth turned me on instantly. Breaking away with a growl, his fingers released the knot and the towel pooled at my feet on the floor. Taking a step back, his eyes raked over my aroused body. My cheeks flushed as they lingered at the swollen mounds of my breasts and then my wet sex. I loved the effect he had on me. It was as profound as ever and growing in intensity. A pissed off Jonah was hot as fuck and I wanted nothing more than him to throw me on my back, spread my legs and take me.

“I never grow tired of looking at you,” he breathed, “your body softens and swells when it’s aroused and it makes me so fucking hard.”

“Then take me,” I replied, my voice thickening with growing desire.

“Am I coming to Chicago with you?” He tilted his head and raised a dark brow.

“Do I have a choice?”

“Not if you want my cock feeding that greedy tight pussy of yours.”

“Using sex as a bargaining tool is a shitty thing to do Jacobson.”

He smiled a wickedly seductive smile and moistened his lips with his tongue. The bastard knew exactly what he was doing and boy was it working. My sex muscles clenched painfully, needing his delectable tongue running over my swollen clit. I was so turned on, any thoughts of arguing my point further dissolved from my mind as he placed his hands on my hips.

“You so don’t play fair you asshole,” I moaned, his hand sliding gently over my hip, my upper thigh and tantalisingly close to my slick folds.

Leaning forward, his tongue licked the length of my cleavage and traced the bump of my collarbone. “I’ll never play fair where you’re concerned, Savannah. The stakes are too high.”

“Then it looks like you’re going to Chicago with me.” My following words were lost, a murmur across his lips while he took my mouth with a groan. “Too fucking right I am.”

His hands slipped beneath my rear and lifted me easily. Wrapping my legs around his waist, he carried me towards my bedroom.  Earlier visions were soon realised as he threw me onto the bed, opened my legs wide and fucked all thoughts of Chicago, Alex and everything I would come up against once I arrived there, clear from my mind, for hours.