Divided (22 page)

“Nope.” She said quickly interjected. “You’re exactly who I wanted to see. You’re the reason my baby will never have the normal family he deserves. You’re the reason he will never have a loving home.” She folded her arms over her chest.
Baby?

“I’m sorry did you say baby?” I asked because I was sure this woman had me confused with someone else. “Who
are
you?”

“I’m Stephanie, the mother of
Ryan’s
baby.” She said as she rubbed her small bump. A bump that I hadn’t noticed on her small frame until now.

I had to pick my mouth from the floor. “Ok… I’ll tell him you stopped by.” It was the only thing that came to mind. I didn’t wait for her to respond as I quickly closed the door and ran to the bathroom. I dry heaved for what seemed like forever before I quickly washed my face and grabbed my keys. Taking my phone out of my purse and dialing Ryan. I was fuming as the phone rang into my ear.

“Hello, beautiful.” He said over the phone.

“Where are you?” I asked harshly. I didn’t want to talk to him about this over the phone; I needed to ask him in person.

“I’m at the rink, is everything ok?” I heard concern in his voice.

“Yup, I’ll be there in five.” I quickly hung up the phone and turned it off. I didn’t really want to hear what he had to say. I just wanted to see the look in his eyes when I asked him.

When I arrived at the rink I pulled up next to his car, threw the car in park and ran inside. My heart was racing. Could this really be true? Does he know? When did it happen? I busted through the doors at the rink and saw that he was on the ice with the team. He immediately spotted me though and started skating towards me.

“Hey, what’s the matter?” He looked at my face searching for an answer.

“I met Stephanie, she came by the house.” It was like he had seen a ghost. His face paled and a glimpse of fear showed in his eyes.  Immediately I knew that it was true. She was carrying
his
baby.

“Guys take ten.” He shouted to the players “Come on, lets go talk in private.” He said to me, leading me to his office. I couldn’t sit so instead I paced back and forth not knowing what to do. “Alani, let me explain.” He began.

“No.” I pointed my index finger at him. “First you are going to answer a few questions for me, and so help you God if you lie to me.” He nodded in agreement. “How long have you known?” I began my questions, still pacing back and forth. Ryan just stood with his back to the door.

“A week.” He admitted.

“Who is she?”

“My ex –girlfriend.”

“When was the last time you were with her? Sexually?”

“Before Las Vegas. I tried to tell you what happened between the two of us at Bistro but you didn’t want to hear it.” He moved closer to me.

“What?”

“Can I explain?” He asked.

I nodded because my head was running on over drive. This wasn’t making any sense. I stopped pacing and faced him.

“Stephanie and I were dating for about two years before I met you. We went to school together and even though she’s a few years younger than me, we hung around the same group of friends. When I went to Las Vegas for Connor’s bachelor party I met you. The couple of hours I had with you there meant more to me than the past two years with her. I didn’t want to string her along anymore and I knew that there would never be anything more with her so when I arrived home I ended it. She got pregnant
before
I left to Las Vegas. I swear I haven’t touched her since.” He said the last sentence lifting his hands in the air.

I attempted to process what he was saying. “Ok, but why am I finding out about this baby by her and not you? I understand that we’re just playing along for shits and giggles here but don’t you think I had a right to know?”

“I do, and I’m sorry, I didn’t know how to tell you.” He walked towards me, placing his hands around my shoulder.

“So if she had never told me than what? You would have me
and
her?” I was furious that he had kept this from me.

“No, Bug.” He said rushing his lips to my forehead. “I told her that I would want to be a part of the baby’s life one hundred percent, but that was it. I didn’t want anything to do with her. You’re it for me, Bug. I love you and only you.” He tried to hug me but I pulled back.

I looked deep into his eyes I knew that he was telling me the truth but I needed to clear my head, clear the pain I felt in my chest.  “I need to go.” I said pulling away and walking towards the door.

“Alani, wait! No don’t leave.” He pulled on my arm.

“Ryan, I just... I need to go.” I turned and walked out to the car. Not once did I hear him following me. I drove home, this time managing to get all green lights and ran up to the bedroom to quickly changed. I did the one thing I knew would clear my thoughts. I ran.

I didn’t let my mind think of anything, I just ran. The air burning my lungs and my muscle aching with pain but I pushed through it. I jogged until I could no longer feel the pain of Ryan having a baby with another woman. I ran until I could only feel pain from my muscles. After running for over an hour I jogged back to the house and saw Ryan’s truck in the driveway. I opened the door and found him standing in the doorway between the hallway and the living room waiting for me.

“Hi.” He said quietly.

“Hi.” I said back walking towards the stairs.

“Please don’t leave me.” He whispered, his eyes low.

“Ryan…” I attempted to say.

“Please. I can’t lose you. I swear. She and I have nothing.” He said, shaking his head.

“Besides a baby.” I responded bitterly.

“Yes a baby, but I don’t love her, I love you. Please. Please stay with me. We’ll make this work. These past few months have been amazing and I love being with you. Please just stay. We’ll get through this. I promise.” His eyes glassed over and a bit of my heart broke. Once again I cursed my heart for loving this man more than I loved myself. My eyes filled with tears just looking at him.

“Ok.” I said as I strolled away. “I’ll stay, but.. just.. give me some time.”

I walked past him and headed straight to the shower. In the shower I sat on the floor and let the water hit me, thinking of all the possible ways I could make this work. Did I really want to do this with him?
With a kid.
 Did I really want to deal with all the drama that came with it?
Yes because you love him.
I thought, and for the first time in a long time, I let painful sobs escape my lungs. Unable to control the desperate cries, I let it all out and hoped that the sounds of running water masked my pain. The first thing that came to my mind was this child. The one that would be raised with parents who didn’t love each other. Feeling like this was my fault, I let out another long painful, tear filled sob. Bringing my knees closer to my body I hugged myself tighter, hating that I love this man so much that I couldn’t let him go.

 After the shower I made my way to the bedroom. I heard Ryan cooking in the kitchen but wasn’t ready to face him yet so I pulled my phone out of my bag, turning it on to call Katie.

“Hi A, “ Her voice happy on the other side of the phone.

“Hey.” I said, sorrow in my voice.

“What’s wrong, you sound sad. Did you and Ryan have a fight about who loves each other more?”

I let out a long sign. “No. Ryan’s Ex-girlfriend is pregnant, with
his
kid.” I said as calmly as I could muster.

“Fuck, that asshole.” She cursed into the phone.

“Yup. She got pregnant before he went to Vegas and he broke up with her when he got home but yeah, she’s pregnant.” I shook my head still not believing this.

“Like four months pregnant?” Katie questioned. I hadn’t calculated how far along Stephanie was.

“I guess.” I hadn’t thought about it that much.

“So where does that leave you?” Katie asked.

I sighed. “I don’t know. Ryan asked me to stay and I said I would, but I don’t know. He said he wants to work through it, but again I have no idea what the fuck to do.” I ran my fingers through my hair.

“Are you willing to be number three in his life?” She asked, catching my attention.

“What do you mean?” I asked, feeling so numb that my brain had stopped processing.

“Well the baby will be number one. And his ex-girlfriend will be number two until she delivers the baby, and in third place well… that’s you.” She said.

Wiping the tears from my eyes, I took a deep breath. “I don’t know.” I hadn’t thought of that before and wasn’t really sure that I wanted to think about it now.

“Well love, you need to figure it out.” She threw it right back at me.

“I will. Thanks for listening. I love you, Katie.” I held my voice from breaking.

“I know. I love you too. Call me if you need anything.”

I sat in the office Ryan had created for me for hours just staring out the window. I needed to take what Katie said and give it some thought. Was I willing to give him up? Was I okay with being number three in his life? I took out a pen and paper listing all the good and bad things, realizing that the cons didn’t matter compared to the pros of being with Ryan.

1.
Love
...

2.
Our relationship
…

3.
His Heart
...

Walking down the stairs I saw him in the kitchen cooking spaghetti and meat sauce with his special touch, hot dogs mixed in with the meat. He knew it had become my favorite and I knew he was trying to make up for everything that I had to deal with today. I slowly walked into the kitchen looking down at his tile.

“Hi.” I finally said.

“I made dinner. Why don’t we sit and eat, this way we can discuss whatever we need to.” He said, still stirring the sauce.

I nodded at him and started to set up the plates for dinner. Once that was all set we both sat in silence eating.

“Are you ok with this?” He asked.

“No.” I answered, not being able to meet his eyes.

“Nothing has to change between us.” He said placing his hands on top of mine.

“Nothing has too, but it will and I understand why it will.” I said, tears forming in my eyes

“No, it won’t.” He fought back.

“Ryan, I don’t want to fight with you. I just need more time to figure out if I could be with you and deal with all of this.” I looked up at him, his eyes sad as he nodded at me.

We didn’t speak another word during dinner after that. Lying on his side of the bed, Ryan watched TV as I walked to my side and crawled into bed before I turned off the light on my nightstand. I closed my eyes and prayed that sleep would come. As my body began to rest I felt Ryan slide right beside me, his chest pressed against my back. He squeezed me tightly as he kissed the top of my head.

“I love you, Alani. You are my strength, my reason, my air to breath. I love you so much. Good night, Bug” I didn’t reply. I just let the silent unshed tears fall from my eyes.

⌘

A week had passed since I had asked Ryan for more time and it was my first day back to work. The past week I had avoided Ryan, giving him the cold shoulder. I didn’t have an answer for him. Hell, I spent all week looking for the damn answer somewhere, spending hours either running or crying.

I woke up with my puffy eyes again. Having tossed and turned the whole night. I contemplated calling in from work today but I wasn’t sure if the whole town already knew of the Ryan, Alani, Stephanie, triangle and I didn’t want to give anyone a reason to talk so I climbed out of bed and looked at Ryan, still fast asleep.

After a quick shower, I tiptoed back into the bedroom kissed Ryan on the forehead and walked downstairs. I knew I should have woken him up but I didn’t want him to see the disappointment in my eyes. I didn’t need him to feel any guiltier that he already did. They were a couple when she got pregnant and it wasn’t anyone’s fault. That still didn’t stop it from breaking my heart though.

I made a fresh batch of coffee and grabbed a banana. I wasn’t hungry but I knew I would need something in my stomach. I took a piece of paper and left Ryan a quick note.

You looked too peaceful sleeping
Have a good day at work.
A

I arrived to work an hour and a half early and made my way to the library. Staring at my computer screen, I prayed that my fingers would begin to move. I prayed that a story, a topic, a memory would come to mind and I would write something. But instead nothing happened. I just stared at the blank page when a voice called from behind.

“Alani?”

I was lost in thought that I didn’t hear Marlene approaching. “Alani?”

“Oh, I’m sorry, Marlene, I didn’t see you there.” I apologized.

“You’re here early today.” She said as she pulled out a chair next to me.

“Yes, a little early. I needed to get some work done for Elaine, I’m just having a little writers block.” I lied.

Marlene placed her hand my wrist. “Sweetie, do you want to talk about it?”

Her eyes showed how concerned she was. I swallowed the big lump that had been stuck in my throat for the past twenty hours.

“I guess you’ve heard.”

She nodded slightly and closed her eyes. “I heard yesterday. I wasn’t sure if it was true but by the look on your face I assume it is.”

One small tear escaped and fell down my cheek “There’s nothing really to talk about. She’s pregnant and I just feel like I’m in the way, asking Ryan to divide his time with me and her. I know it isn’t fair nor is it his fault and I don’t blame him, but it just sucks. It fucking sucks!” The tears came out all at once and I tried to swipe them away but to no avail.

“Honey, that boy loves you. Now you listen, I know it is a terrible situation for everyone, but the love you two share will conquer, trust in that. From the rumor mill, Stephanie dropped the bomb on him expecting him to go running back to her and apparently he didn’t even think about it just flat out shut her down.” She informed me.

“Really?”

“Yes, apparently she made a big fuss in his office and all he kept saying is that he would take responsibility for the baby, but you were his heart.”