Divided (24 page)

“Hi Bug, just in time, taste this.” He said bringing the wooden spoon to my mouth, as I tasted a creamy tomato sauce, it had a small kick to it but was very delicious. “Yum, what is it?”

His lips landed on mine with a welcome home kiss. “Its vodka sauce, I saw it on the food network and wanted to try it out. It has roasted red peppers in it. Can you taste them?”

He was so eager. “Yeah, it’s really good and I’m starving.” It was the first time we would be having dinner, just the two of us since Stephanie moved in.

“Good, dinner’s ready. Do you mind setting the table?”

“Is there a special occasion?” I didn’t know if he was going to apologize for this morning and the bottle of wine that’d he put on the table was not the regular bottle we usually had.

“Yes.” He said as he kissed the tip of my nose. “We’re celebrating your first summer session.”

“So…” I said in between bites when we were seated. “How was your day?” If he wasn’t bringing up our fight earlier, neither was I.

“Good, we have some really good potential on having an amazing season next year.” He said biting down into the garlic bread. He swallowed it and pulled my chair closer to his before he planted a big wet kiss on my cheek. I couldn’t help but feel that this was what our life should be
minus
Stephanie.

“Can I take you to dinner and a movie tomorrow night. I know I have been a really crappy boyfriend lately.” He asked, his eyes bright, looking deep into mine.

“How about a late lunch, followed by movie and you can be my dessert.” I said. I couldn’t remember the last time he and I were out together on a date.

“Perfect, it’s a date.”

⌘

I sat outside at Bistro while I waited for Ryan to arrive. It wasn’t like him to be late so I grew worried when I looked at the time. He was twenty minutes late. I called his cell phone and there was no answer. I sent him a text message, maybe his meeting ran late.

Me: Hey, I’m here are you running late?

Still nothing. I ordered a small appetizer and waited for him some more. When I looked at my watch again he was forty minutes late. Clearly something had happened. I hated to be the needy girlfriend but I needed to know what was going on. I tried his cell again, still no response. I resorted to calling Michael. I hated that I had to call his friend looking for him.

Michael answered on the second ring. “Hey, Yankee doodle.” Michael said, his voice chipper on the other end of the phone.

“Hi Michael, I’m so sorry to bother you. Ryan and I were supposed to have lunch today and I’ve been here for over forty minutes and he’s still not here. Have you heard from him? He’s not answering my calls.”

Michael didn’t respond. “Mike, you there?”

Letting out a long exhale in my ear, Michael spoke. “He went to go find out the sex of the baby.” My eyes closed as the anger grew inside of me. “I’m more than positive he forgot to tell you. Stephanie called when I was in the office with him. He left his phone on the desk that’s probably why he didn’t call.”

I bit back my tears. “It’s ok, I just wanted to make sure he was ok. Thanks Mike.”

I was proud that my voice only broke at the end. I hung up the phone and looked at the screen. I never knew when Stephanie had her appointments and usually I never asked. Ryan would just let me know that he was going to take her.

I signaled to the waiter that I needed the check. I took deep breaths praying for the tears not to take over in public. As she placed the check in front of me, I left cash on the table and headed towards my car. I managed to drive home without crashing into a light pole. Once home I took an hour-long jog to clear my head and find the courage to face Ryan. Coming back home I turned towards the front of the house and wipe new tears as I saw Ryan’s car coming up the street, Stephanie sitting in the passenger seat beside him. I darted inside pulling a water bottle from the refrigerator. They both walked in right behind me chatting about the doctor’s visit. Trying not to puke from jogging so hard I let my anger build up for Ryan as I looked at the both of them.

“Hey.” My voice cold, Stephanie smiled at me.

“Bug, you are never going to guess what?” Ryan had a wide smile splattered on his face.

I looked at him wondering when he was going to remember that we had a date. A date
he
planned as an apology for being a crappy boyfriend. Not waiting for my response he said. “I’m having a little boy.”

A single tear rolled down my face, I swallowed the rest of them looking out the window not wanting to see their happy faces. I wiped it away quickly.

“That’s great, Ryan, really great. Congratulations… to you both.” I felt a ton of bricks lay on my heart.

“Oh my god.” Stephanie promptly said. Ryan and I both look at her, scared that something was wrong. Placing both hands on her belly, she had the biggest, happiest smile. “Oh my god” she said between giggles.

“What is it, Steph?” Ryan asked lowering himself to her. Fear spread across his face.

“Oh my, feel this.” She grabbed Ryan’s hand placing it on her stomach. “Do you feel him?” We all waited in silence before they both start laughing. I looked between them both feeling incongruous.

“Wow. I felt that.” He knelt in front of her placing both hands on her stomach. Speaking directly into her belly. “Hey there my little man. I’m your daddy.” A tear slid down Ryan’s face and Stephanie looked down at him, wiping it away while smiling at him. Her face told a story about them with just one look She was looking down at him, holding her belly with love, adoration, and happiness.

I on the other hand feel inappropriate, the feeling of not belonging was running through me. Here ten feet away from where I stood was a happy couple sharing a special moment. They just found out that they were having a little boy, a little boy who kicked. I stood here feeling lost, confused, and most of all disturbed. I didn’t belong here; I didn’t belong in their perfect bubble of love.

“Well, I just came in to grab my purse. I need to go meet my mom for a lunch date.” Stephanie said as she walked over and took her keys from the key hook.

 “Bug? What’s the matter?” He said as Stephanie was walking out the door.

“Have fun on your
lunch date.
” I said to Stephanie as she passed by me.

My eyes met Ryan’s and within seconds he was standing in front of me. Both hands on my shoulders, willing me to look at him. He looked deep into my eyes searching for any reason why my face showed anger. His face changed when he finally realized what was bothering me.

“Fuck, Bug, I’m so sorry.” He said as he rubbed both hands through his hair. “Bug, I swear I forgot about lunch today. I was so busy at work and then Steph called and said the appointment was today not next week and I rushed out of there. I don’t even have my cell phone. I left it at the office because I was in such a hurry. Please forgive me.” He wrapped his hands around me and I inhaled his scent one last time.       

“Ryan.” I said low, looking at his chest, unable to meet his eyes. God, this was worse than anything. “I went to Bistro and waited for you. I called you and you didn’t answer. When I couldn’t get a hold of you I called Michael and he explained to me that you were with Stephanie.” I took a deep breath praying that I could get all the words out as I lifted my hand to hush Ryan from interrupting me.  

“After seeing you with her, feeling the baby kick and seeing how happy you are, how happy you could be…I realize Ryan, that I’m just an intruder in both of your lives. I saw that right here, right now with the moment you both shared. I know that you aren’t with her because of me. I know that, that poor innocent baby boy is going to grow up in two different houses because of me. I don’t want
him
to divide his Christmas or birthdays because I came into the picture.” I felt the tears waiting to drip down.

“But, I left her before you even came here.” He pleaded.

“I know, and I also know you. I know that if I were never in the picture, you wouldn’t raise that child out of wedlock. You’re a good person. That is one of the reasons I love you so much. I’ll always love you, but I can’t be the dividing factor in this family’s chance of happiness anymore.” I wiped away my tears walking away from his hold.

“Alani, it’s not like that and you know it.” He said as the house line began to ring. “What you and I have will never measure up to anything I have had or will ever have with Stephanie.” He said looking directly at me, his face genuine as he searched my gaze.

I tried to hold it together knowing what I have to do. “Ryan, I can’t. I’m tired of it. I’m tired of arguing about something that has nothing to do with
us
. I’m tired of having a man lie next to me in bed knowing that his pregnant ex-girlfriend is two doors down. I’m tired of you not wanting to kiss me or hold me unless it’s in our bedroom. And I’m
fucking
tired of the goddamn phone ringing. Answer it already.” I yelled pointing towards the phone.

Ryan walked over to it bringing it to his ear. “Hello…. Yeah… Ok…. I’ll be right there.” He placed the phone down and looked at me. “I have to run into the office for a bit, can we discuss this when I get back?” I nodded walking away from him.

“I love you.” I didn’t respond. “Always and forever.” He said, walking towards the garage. I didn’t respond because I knew I wouldn’t be able to walk away from him if I told him I loved him too.

When the door shut behind him, I headed straight upstairs, taking them two at a time. I pulled my empty suitcases from the closet and threw everything in there. Everything I could see that was mine I threw in before I dialed the cab company and wheeled my suitcase to the kitchen. Not letting my mind have a chance to process any of this. I sent Ryan a simple text message.

Me:
I’m sorry

Once the cab was in the driveway I ran outside dragging my suitcase behind me and placing my belongings in the trunk. “Where to ma’am?” The cabbie asked.

“Fargo airport.” I said. The numbness began to slowly enter my heart. I felt each compartment that pumped blood through my body shatter before it became numb to the pain. As the car began to take off I saw Ryan’s truck passing us and allowed myself one last look back at the place I had temporarily called home.

Chapter 17
Deed

 
A
fter a long flight and another cab ride, I got out of the car and walked up familiar steps. Ringing the doorbell I waited, my heart crushed, my eyes puffy. Katie slowly opened the door and screamed.

“Alani, what a fucking surprise.” She wrapped her arms around me, pulling me into an embrace. As she pulled away I slowly lifted my sunglasses. “What the fuck happened?”

“I left him.” It was all I could say as the tears began to form. “Oh Honey, come inside.”

Katie sat me on the couch and brought me a warm glass of tea. “Tell me what happened.”

Sipping on my tea I explained to her how I felt like I was in the way of them being happy. That their baby deserved to have a chance at a united family, not one that was broken only because his father met some girl at a bar.

“Alani, are you ok with this?”

“No, I’m not, not one single bit, but…. I didn’t want him to have to choose so I chose for him.” I broke down in Katie’s arms and let all of it out.

September

I laid on Katie’s couch with the television remote in my hand, flicking through every channel in an endless stream. It had been three weeks since I’d been back.

Three weeks.

Twenty-one days.

Ninety-six missed calls.

One hundred and seven unread text messages.

Thirty-six voicemails that have yet to be listened to.

Never once looking at any of it, I ignored the world. I ignored my mother, friends, and work. I was stuck in a permanent state of pain.

“You’re going to give yourself a headache if you continue to watch it that way.” Katie said, getting the keys from the bowl on the dining room table. I looked at her then back to the screen. It was Friday night and I was still in my pajamas. The past three weeks had just blended together, my body didn’t know what time it was, and it also didn’t remember the last time it was bathed.

“We’re all going down to Sammy’s you want to come?” Katie asked. I looked at her, concern etched in the lines of her face.

“Maybe another time, K.” I went back to looking at the screen. I thought she was going to argue but patted my leg instead.

“Ok, if you need anything just call.”  

With the door shutting behind her I turned the television off and closed my eyes, letting the silence take over. My phone vibrated on the table. I looked at the screen, an incoming phone call.
<3 Ryan James Kraft <3.
I rub my thumb over his name, missing him, missing us, and realizing that I miss his voice the most. As the courage finally came for me to answer it, it stopped ringing. I let the tears flow down my face. It vibrates once more in my hand.

Mailbox Full.

I opened my voicemail screen click on the last incoming voicemail. “Hey Bug.” His voice came through the speaker. My heart broke its final pieces. He sounded so sad. “I really wish you’d answer….” A knock on the door startled me, making me hang up the phone.

I lie on the couch looking at the door, debating if I should answer it.
Knock. Knock. Knock.
I kicked my legs over the couch and wiped the tears from my face before answering the door. Behind the door Marco stood holding flowers, slowly he moved the beautiful flower arrangement revealing the rest of his face.

“Hi.” He said. I took a deep breath to clear my head. The last thing I needed to deal with was Marco.

“These are for you.” He whispered as I left the door open and walked back inside the house.  I walked into the living room and sat on the leather sofa. Instead of taking the love seat he came and sat right next to me.