Disclosures - SF4 (44 page)

Ryan smiled at her none-too-subtle move and acceded to the implied request. "Well, let’s say that the distance is not entirely unwelcome," she admitted. "If you didn’t see his chest moving you would think my grandfather was stuffed. He doesn’t get the opportunity to speak his mind very often when my grandmother’s around, and he obviously stopped trying long before I was born. We used to go fishing together in some of the little streams around the county and I really grew quite fond of him. He’s a very sweet man—I’m certain my mother and my aunts got their kindness and gentleness from him."

"He sounds nice," Jamie agreed, guessing that some of her partner’s gentle nature might have come down through the Ryan line, too.

"Now my grandmother is an interesting creature. She’s very headstrong and opinionated, and most people just give in to her. So in a way, she’s tough to be around for long. But she also cares for people very deeply, and she’s very generous with her time and her abilities. She has a really good heart, but sometimes it’s more pleasant to appreciate her from a distance."

"How about you? Do you stand up to her?"

Ryan nodded contemplatively. "I’d say that of all of the grandchildren she and I have the stormiest history. She always used to say that I was just like Aunt Maeve. To her that was an insult, of course, but to me, it was quite a compliment."

"She and your aunt don’t get along?"

"They were like oil and water, to be honest. As soon as Maeve was old enough, she lit out for America with a friend, and never went back."

"I got the impression that your father wasn’t a big fan, either," Jamie observed.

"I don’t think I had any idea that was true when I was young. But over the years he’s let a few things slip that make me agree with you. Aunt Maeve has told me that my grandmother was very unhappy when my mother left home, and her displeasure increased greatly when she fell in love and decided to stay. I think my grandmother thought she had married beneath her station, which is funny because she and my grandfather are as poor as church mice. I know she thinks that Mama got ill because she lived in the States. She seems to believe that the U.S.A. is one big carcinogen," she said with a smile.

"So how do you think they’ll react to your news?"

"Only one thing I’m sure of. Whatever her reaction, it will be unequivocal!"

Jamie lay down to finish looking over her bills for the month as Ryan stared at her computer. After a long while her fingers began to fly over the keys, barely pausing until she was finished with her draft. "What do you think?" she asked, handing the printout to her partner.

The letter read:

Dear Mamó and Daideó,

Jamie paused, turning to Ryan with a questioning look. "How do you pronounce the names you call them, Honey?"

"Oh," Ryan laughed, coming to stand next to her partner. "What did I use?"

Jamie handed the letter back and Ryan took a glance and nodded. "Those are kinda like Granny and Grandpa. They are pronounced MA-moe and DA-doe."

"That's cute," she smiled trying out the names on her own uneducated tongue.

"I've got a million of 'em," Ryan laughed. "I'll teach you as much as you want to know."

"Cool" Jamie grinned. "I've always wanted to be quadrilingual." She patted Ryan's back and said, "Let me get back to business here, my wild Irish rose." Holding the letter up to the light, she started to read:

I have some news to share with you about a very important part of my life.

I’m sure you’ve noticed that I’ve never brought up the subject of my love life with either of you. There have been two reasons for that omission. Primarily I’ve not had anyone special enough to talk about; but secondarily I’ve been reticent to talk about my love life because I thought you might disapprove, and I didn’t want to upset you unnecessarily.

I’ve known since I was 17 that I was only attracted to other women. I know that homosexuality is a difficult subject for many people and I can only assume that this might be hard for you to accept. I want to make it clear that I’m certain this is the life that I was born to live. I know that the church has a dim view of gay behavior but I feel strongly that God created me exactly as I am. I feel that I have a right to express my love in a physical way, so long as I do so in a loving fashion. I hope that you can accept my lesbianism, either immediately or over time. I want you to know that I am not only happy with my life, but I truly look at my sexual orientation as a gift from God.

My news is that I’ve recently been given another gift from God. I’ve fallen in love with the most wonderful woman it has been my privilege to know. Her name is Jamie Evans and she is a classmate of mine from the University.

As you can see from the enclosed picture, she is a truly beautiful woman. But when you meet her, I hope you are able to see that her true beauty lies in her soul. She is kind and loving and generous and very giving, and I can honestly say that she makes me happier than I had any hope of being. I am honored that she has chosen to spend her life with me, and I want to spend the rest of my life making her as happy as she has made me.

I hope that you are able to share in my joy at having found my life-mate. No matter how you feel about it, please know that I love you both and will continue to do so even if you are not able to give me your blessing.

The picture that I enclose is from this year’s AIDS Ride. Jamie did the ride with me this year and it was a very special blessing to be able to start our life together participating in such a moving experience. Even though she did not have the opportunity to know Michael, Jamie understands how much he meant to me, and it was wonderful to have someone that I could share my feelings with for the first time during the ride. It made the experience much more meaningful, but also much more emotional for me. As always, I made a stop at the small mission church named for his patron. It might just be wishful thinking but I swear I can feel his spirit every time I pray there.

Please let me hear from you when you have time to reflect on this news. I love you both and I hope you can be happy for my newfound joy.

Love always,

Siobhán

Jamie looked up with tears in her eyes as she whispered, "This is so beautiful, Ryan. It makes me think of your birthday when you told me about Sara. I remember thinking, ‘How can she be so open with her feelings?’ It just amazed me that you could be that loving and connected and yet never have a woman that you were connected to enough to love. It just seemed like an emotional oxymoron to me."

Ryan smiled down at her as she patted her cheek. "I wasn’t that emotionally open to everyone, Honey. I was just able to open myself up to you very early on in our relationship. I still don’t know if I was falling in love or if I just felt comfortable with you as a friend. But I guarantee that most people didn’t see that side of me."

"I’m eternally grateful that I get to see it," Jamie whispered, then stood and wrapped her lover in her arms.

"Being vulnerable is the best and the worst part of being with you," Ryan said softly. "It still scares me a little bit but I’m very happy that you get to see deep into my soul. It’s an intimacy that I’ve not had before but I’m grateful that I have it with you."

"We’re both doing something pretty scary here, Partner," she said, looking up into those clear blue eyes. "All we’ve talked about all day is all of the problems that we might have to work through. Why don’t we lie down together and remind ourselves of one of the wonderful benefits of loving each other."

Ryan linked her arms loosely behind Jamie’s neck, slowly bending to place a gentle kiss on her lips. "And you always say
I
have the good ideas."

As they stood on the 18th tee, waiting for the group ahead of them to clear the landing area, Jim Evans looked at his only child with obvious pride. When Jamie had told him the previous weekend of her plans to try out for the golf team, he was so excited she thought he might hyperventilate. Only her embarrassed pleas kept him from boasting about her during the entire round that they had played with the Christophers. Now that they were alone, however, he kept up a running commentary about his plans to aid her future development. "You like working with Chip down at the beach, don’t you?"

"Yes, he helped me a lot," she admitted, acknowledging that her game had improved significantly under his tutelage.

"Why don’t you spend your weekends down there? There is nothing to hold you in Berkeley. Actually, why not stay down there until school starts?" he suggested, the excitement showing in his voice. "You could hire Chip to work with you full-time. I’m sure the club would be happy to let him…"

"Daddy," she interrupted. "I don’t want to spend my summer in Pebble Beach."

"Why not, Honey? There’s nothing holding you in Berkeley, is there?" He looked puzzled by her refusal to accept his eminently logical suggestion.

"Just my life," she replied, a flicker of irritation showing on her face.

"What?" he asked, now even more puzzled.

"I live in Berkeley, Daddy. I have things I do, people I see. I don’t want to give that up."

"Well, of course you do, Jamie," he agreed with a small laugh. "I don’t think you live in an isolation tank. But you need to make some sacrifices to achieve a goal like this."

The determination in her eyes grew brighter as she insisted, "I know that, Daddy. I’m very willing to make sacrifices, but leaving my home is not one of them. I’m sure I can find someone in the San Francisco area who can help me out also."

"Oh, well, I didn’t know you felt that way," he said, the confusion continuing to grow on his face. He wasn’t used to Jamie having such firm convictions, but he shrugged it off and got back on track quickly. "Mark Griffin, here at Olympic, is very good. After the round, let’s have him take a look at your swing and see if he’d like to work with you. What’s your schedule like during the week?"

"I’ve decided to start running again, so I’ll do that on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. I lift weights on Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday. I’ve played or practiced nearly every day since I set this goal, so my afternoons have been dedicated to golf. I guess afternoons would be the best time to work with Mark, if it works out."

"Great," he said, a broad smile now covering his face. "Maybe we should find someone to make sure your weight program is up to snuff."

Jamie’s eyes narrowed as she approached her ball. Unleashing some of her frustrations, she sent the innocent little white orb on a screaming flight right down the center of the fairway. "I have someone, Daddy," she informed him firmly.

"Oh," he said, nodding at the memory. "Is your friend…Ryan…still working with you?"

"Yes, she is," she said simply, not wishing to elaborate at this point.

"I’m sure she’s a great friend, Honey, but are you sure she’s competent? Anybody can call themselves a trainer, you know."

Swallowing her ire, she affixed a smile and said, "I’m certain that she’s competent. We work beautifully together, and I have no plans to switch."

She noticed the confused look he shot her way as he addressed his tee shot, but offered no further comment.

Walking back to the cart he said, "I don’t remember you being very interested in running. When did you start?"

"I’ve been running with the volleyball team. Ryan just made the team as a scholarship player, and I thought it would be a good motivator to keep me moving. I don’t want to look like a wimp in front of those real athletes!" She was still miffed about his attempts to direct her life, but she had to admit that he was only exercising his right of eminent domain, as he had since she was born. She knew that he would not stop without a good deal of work on her part, and she knew that the path would not be terribly smooth.

"That’s pretty impressive," he said. "She must be quite an athlete."

"She had her pick of soccer, volleyball or field hockey." Her obvious pride was impossible to hide, and she made no real attempt to do so. "She’s really unbelievable."

"Well, she certainly has the body of an athlete," he said appreciatively, a smile crossing his face that rankled Jamie to the core. She was about to snap off a sharp comment when he saved her by asking, "Did she play before?"

She shook her head to clear it, reminding herself that telling her father to keep his eyes off Ryan’s body was not the best way to start the conversation she knew they had to have. "Not at Cal. She’s a transfer from USF. She didn’t play last year because you have to sit out a year when you transfer. Plus, she worked so much she couldn’t possibly have managed a sport."

"What changed for her?" His question was innocent, almost offhanded, but Jamie knew the answer would be revealed soon enough.

"Um, her financial situation got a lot better this year," she said simply.

"That’s good," he said. "I got so much out of playing sports, I can imagine how happy that made her. It’s nice when a lack of money doesn’t stop someone from using their talents."

They finished up by 11:00 a.m. The pro that Jim wanted to speak to was busy giving a lesson, so Jim left a message for him to call Jamie when he was free. "Now I want you to try to make time to work with Mark," he instructed. "I’m sure the competition will be fierce for those spots."

"I know, Daddy," she said fondly. "Thanks for caring so much."

"I care a great deal, Cupcake," he said, sliding his arm around her shoulders. "You make me very proud, Honey," he said as he turned to face her and lock eyes. "I hear some of the other guys talking about their kids, and how much trouble they cause them, and I thank God that I have you."

She wrapped her arms around his waist and gave him a squeeze. "Thanks Daddy. I’m glad I have you, too."
I just hope you still feel that way later today.

After they had showered and changed, they met in the lobby and decided to have lunch. As friends and colleagues passed by, Jim went out of his way to introduce Jamie and brag about her attempt to make the golf team at Cal. "Daddy, you’ve told everyone except the busboy," she finally said.

"I’m just really excited about this, Jamie. I never thought you wanted to go farther with your golf game, and it just makes me happy to boast about you."

When they had finished their lunch he remarked, "I guess I’ll see you next week?"

"Do you have plans for the rest of the day?" she asked, a part of her hoping that he did.

"Not really. I’ve got an appointment at four to see an Oldsmobile 442 that I’m thinking about buying, but that’s it. Why?"

"I think I’ll come down and wait for Mother to come home. She should be there about then, shouldn’t she?"

"She’d like that, Honey, and so would I." Giving her another fond smile he said, "Things like this are exactly what I mean when I say how proud I am of you, Jamie. Most kids your age would have no idea when their mother was due home from a trip. It’s really nice how much you care."

She smiled back, not having any intention of telling him that Marta was the one he should be proud of.

It was nearly 1:30 when they arrived at the massive French provincial home. As she pulled into the long drive Jamie found herself staring at the huge edifice in a critical way for the first time in her life. The house was lovely, she had to admit, set as it was into the densely wooded site in a way that protected it from the stares of casual passersby. Not that there were many of those in Hillsborough, of course. By ordinance there were no sidewalks or streetlamps allowed, so not many braved the narrow, curving streets on foot.

It was not the look of the house that bothered Jamie today, though. It was the size. She shook her head and marveled at the fact that she had grown up in a home that could have accommodated all of the O’Flahertys, cousins included.
One small family should not waste resources like this
, she mused as she left the car in the drive and walked up to the front door.

She had not been home since her failed attempt at reconciliation with Jack, so she looked around the place for a while admiring the latest furnishings that her mother had purchased. Realizing that the time for delay was past, she steeled her nerves and turned to her father saying, "I need to talk to you about something important, Daddy."

"Sure, Cupcake, what is it?" He gave her an interested look as he sat down on one of the large sofas in the living room and patted the seat to indicate that she should join him.

It took her a moment to gather her courage, but now that she had broached the subject it was obviously too late to turn back. "I’ve changed a lot in the last year, Daddy. Or maybe I’ve just found my true self. Whatever it is, I’m not the same person that I was a year ago."

He smiled at this statement and silently acknowledged the truth of it as he gave her an encouraging smile. Jim had noticed quite a few changes in his daughter in the last year, and he was very happy with most of them. She seemed more confident and more determined, and she was definitely more athletic. In fact, the only change that he was unhappy with was her recent tendency to disagree with him about certain issues. Jamie had always been an eminently compliant child, and he had to admit that her previously acquiescent style was more to his liking. Nonetheless, he knew that he had very little to complain about, and he counted himself among the lucky few who had no major problems with their children.

She gazed at him with a determined look in her eyes and continued with her comments. "I’ve gotten stronger, both physically and emotionally, in the last year. I’ve learned a tremendous amount about myself. I’m really happy with the changes I’ve made, and I want to share them with you."

He sat up a little straighter when she uttered her last sentence. "Sure, Honey. I’m always interested in your life. You can tell me anything."

She smiled at him and continued. "One of the things that I really struggled with this year was my breakup with Jack. It was really difficult for me, and I actually started to see a therapist to try to work out my feelings."

He looked a bit shocked and said, "Jamie, why didn’t you tell us this was so hard for you? We could have talked to you about it. I mean…you just seemed to take it in stride."

"Daddy, we were engaged," she said patiently, amazed that he would assume she would not feel the aftereffects of a broken engagement. "Of course it was a big deal."

"I just wish I had known," he said as he pursed his lips and shook his head.

She patted his leg fondly, smiling at him in a reassuring way. "It’s okay, Daddy. This was something I had to work out on my own. I don’t think anyone could have done much to make it better."

He gave her a smile laced with regret over his inability to help her get over this pain. "So did this therapy help?"

"Yes, it helped a lot, actually. I learned that one of the biggest problems in our relationship was me," she said simply.

"You? That’s ridiculous, Jamie. I’m sure you would have been a wonderful wife." His incredulity was nearly as great as his outrage, and he was about to launch into a spirited defense of his daughter when she interrupted.

"No, Daddy, the problem
was
mostly mine. I learned in therapy that I wasn’t able to give myself completely to Jack. We had a lot of problems, Daddy, and I believe that most of them were because I withheld my true self. He didn’t really know me, because I didn’t know myself. But over the past four months I’ve come to know myself much better, and I’ve learned to accept and even embrace some parts of myself that I had been trying to hide for a long time. What I’m saying is that I’m learning to love myself completely for the first time in my adult life. I really feel good about that, and I want you to understand it and support me, if possible."

He was fidgeting nervously as he sat on the sofa. He knew his daughter was going to unleash some sort of bombshell by the tension she displayed, but he honestly had no idea what the news could be. "This sounds really positive and helpful, Jamie, but you’re being a little abstruse."

"I probably am," she admitted with a nervous laugh. Several deep breaths later, she gazed at him and got out the most important part of her message. "The bottom line is that once I came to know myself better, I was able to open up to others a lot more. And the wonderful thing is that I fell in love. For the first time, and hopefully the last, I am truly, deeply in love."

His face lit up in a delighted smile, relieved beyond measure that Jamie had such good news to share. "That’s great, Honey. Just great! When do we get to meet the lucky fellow? Or have I already met him?" he asked with a twinkle in his eye.

Jamie instantly realized where this path was leading. "You have met, but it’s not what you think," she warned, her eyes growing wide.

"Oh?" Now the confusion was back onto his face. "I thought it might be Ryan’s brother. They sure are a fine looking pair of siblings."

"No, Daddy. It’s not her brother. It’s Ryan. I’ve fallen in love with Ryan," she said confidently.