Disclosures - SF4 (39 page)

Sara paused as she considered the question. It didn’t make any sense, viewed from that perspective, and she had to admit that the inconsistency bothered her. "You’re right, Ryan," she said slowly, twirling a lock of hair around her index finger, in a gesture achingly familiar to Ryan. "When I think about it, though, she didn’t tell me voluntarily."

"What do you mean?" Ryan asked.

"Well, I was at her house on Sunday. I chose not to go to Mass with her, and when she came back, she was acting so upset that it was obvious that something momentous had happened. She didn’t want to tell me what it was, but she was so upset that she couldn’t stop herself."

"What did she say?" Jamie asked, sitting on the edge of the chair.

"She said," Sara looked up to the ceiling, trying to remember the exact words. "She said that she had seen Ryan in church. I must have looked as shocked as she did, because we hadn’t really spoken your name since that horrible week."

Ryan did not have to ask for clarification on which week that was. "Go on," she urged.

"I jumped in and started asking a million questions, but all she said was that you were living in Berkeley and were still in undergrad."

"She didn’t tell you any of the details I told her?"

"No. She said that things had been tough for you, but that you seemed fine now."

"Why wouldn’t she tell you about Jamie?" Ryan mused. "I would think she would at least mention her."

"I don’t know," she muttered, "but I am going to find out, Ryan. For both of us."

"Hey," Ryan said, in a no-nonsense tone. "I don’t need for you to fight this battle for me, Sara. I’m perfectly able to go to your house and ask your mom directly. And I plan on doing just that." Her entire demeanor was resolute, and Jamie knew that her partner would get to the bottom of the story, one way or another.

"I know you can take care of yourself, Ryan. You always could." The look Sara gave her old friend was filled with warmth, recalling the many escapades that Ryan had seamlessly extricated them both from.

"I’ll get to the bottom of this, Sara. I’m the one that was harmed—I’ve got to be the one to figure it out. Besides, you’ve got your hands full right now. Studying for the bar must be a real grind."

She blew out a breath. "Yeah, it’s hard, but once it’s over I can relax for a couple of weeks."

"What are you doing after the bar exam?" Jamie asked, trying to keep up her end of the conversation.

"I'm going to work for a firm in the city," she said. "Morris and Foster."

Jamie's mouth dropped as Ryan squeezed her thigh and said, "Jamie has some connections to Morris and Foster."

"Really?" Sara asked. "Do you know someone who works there?"

Jamie was still not able to speak so Ryan continued. "A good friend of hers from Stanford is going there. Do you know Jack Townsend?"

A look of complete understanding crossed Sara's features. "You did say your name was Evans, didn't you?"

"'Fraid so," she admitted with a blush.

"And your father is James Evans, right?"

"Yep," she said with a shrug.

"I guess we all know more about each other than we thought, huh?" she finally said with a chuckle. "Although I would not have guessed the real reason that you and Jack broke up was because you were in love with my Ryan," she said with a laugh. Seeing the fire flare up in Jamie's eyes, she quickly backtracked, "I didn't mean that the way it sounded, Jamie. I just....I ....well, there's no excuse for referring to Ryan that way. She could have been mine once, but I blew it, and Ryan’s made it clear that I'll never get another chance. I really hope everything works out for you two," she said as she stood to leave.

Ryan came over and gave her a small hug and said, "I really appreciate that you came over, Sara. I mean that," she said sincerely.

Sara looked up into her deep blue eyes and returned the hug. "I still can't get over how this all worked out, Ryan. I hope you can forgive me, and I hope that you realize I never meant to hurt you."

She took Jamie's hand and shook it lightly, "It's good to meet you, Jamie. Take care of Ryan, she's…well, you obviously know how lucky you are." With that, she turned and left through the door that Ryan had opened.

Ryan crossed over to the sofa and threw herself down on it. Jamie followed her, but before she could speak, Ryan made a request. "Can I have a few minutes?" she asked. "I just need a little time to gather my thoughts."

Jamie went to the kitchen without saying another word, taking a bottle from the refrigerator. Walking out into the yard, she sat in the watery sun sipping her beer as she contemplated the events of the day.
What's that prayer I used to like? God gives us this day as a gift. We'll never have another gift just like this one again.
She smirked to herself as she thought,
And to that I say, Amen! Another day like this would kill me!

About a half hour later Ryan wandered out into the back yard with her own beer in hand. Jamie smiled up at her as she patted the seat of the large wooden bench that sat beneath the arbor of white roses.

Ryan sat down and draped her arm around her partner's shoulders. "Some day, huh?" she asked, taking a long pull on her bottle.

"Let's just say that if we are expecting any more like this, we had better order in some more beer," she warned with a wan smile.

Ryan squeezed her tighter and said, "Are you ready to hear my tale?"

"I'm all ears," she said as she dropped her head to Ryan's chest.

Ryan took in a deep breath, the barrage of thoughts and feelings nearly overwhelming her ability to stay focused. "I’ve got a lot to tell you, Babe," she acknowledged. "The things that happened today cleared a lot of things up for me, and gave me some answers to questions that have haunted me for years." She shook her dark head, reminding herself to get to the most important issue. "I think some things are going to be easier for me now, Jamie," she said thoughtfully.

Unexpectedly, she placed her beer on the ground and slid off the bench, landing on her knees. Her large, strong hands reached out to grasp Jamie’s, holding them gently while she looked deeply into her eyes. "Even though I think the events of this afternoon will help heal some wounds for me, I swear that I would have turned Sara away if I had any idea that her visit would hurt you. I would take back the confusion and the hurt ten times over to avoid seeing this pain in your eyes." Her guilt-filled blue eyes blinked shut, and she struggled to hold her tears inside. "I’d do anything to spare you pain, Jamie, and I despise that I didn’t consider that you could be hurt by this. I’m so very sorry." She hung her head in shame, the dark tresses shifting forward to shroud her face.

Reaching out to lift her chin, Jamie leaned over and placed a gentle kiss on Ryan’s lips. "You haven’t done anything wrong, Ryan."

"But you don’t even know what happened…" Ryan began, but Jamie silenced her by placing the tips of her fingers to her lips.

"It doesn’t matter what happened, Sweetheart. No matter what you did, I know you wouldn’t do anything to hurt me—I trust you, Ryan."

Ryan’s head dropped into Jamie’s lap and she nuzzled her head against her muscular thighs for a few minutes, soaking up the overpowering feeling of complete love that her partner offered her so willingly.

"Come sit by me and tell me what happened," Jamie said softly.

With a deep sigh, Ryan got to her feet and snuggled back against her lover. "Okay," she began, obviously still trying to sort her thoughts out. "When Sara came to the door, she broke down in tears nearly the second I opened it. Something about those tears broke something in me, and I swear we cried together for what seemed like forever. I was so drained that I finally sat down on the couch and we held each other until we could get control of ourselves again."

Jamie looked up with a big smile and let out a sigh of relief. "That makes perfect sense, Ryan. I know you don't have it in you to be unkind to anyone. I should have known that you had a perfectly innocent explanation for why you smelled of her perfume."

Ryan wished that she could leave it at that, but she couldn't. "That's not all that happened, Honey," she admitted. "I don't want to tell you this because I know it will hurt you, but I can't lie to you, Honey."

She sat up straight on the bench and faced Ryan directly. "Tell me," she said softly.

"After we calmed down, she…she leaned over and kissed me," Ryan said softly. "And I let her."

Jamie looked at her with wide, unblinking eyes. She concentrated on keeping her breathing even as she asked the only question that mattered, "Why?"

Ryan closed her eyes and let her mind focus on the question. After a long pause, she finally answered, "I honestly felt like I was 17 years old," she admitted. "I've never had a flashback like that in my life. I felt like we were in Sara's room and I was making love to her. But this time she wasn't reticent about it. She wanted me as much as I wanted her. When she kissed me, I swear I could feel some of the pain and the betrayal just flow from my body. I have no other way to explain it, Jamie. It was a deeply healing moment for me. I just despise that I've caused you pain because of it."

"Did you want her to make love to you today?" she asked in a wavering voice.

"No, Baby, no!" Ryan’s head was shaking forcefully. "I wanted her to make love to me six years ago. When it dawned on me that this was 1999 and you were my spouse, I pushed her away immediately. I told her that I was married to you, Jamie. I told her that I could never do anything to hurt you, and she immediately backed off. It was over as soon as I told her that, Honey. I just wish that I'd had the presence of mind to tell her sooner."

A very heavy sigh left Jamie’s lungs, and she struggled to focus on obviously contrite Ryan was. "I wish you had, too, Ryan. I…I’m having a hard time getting my mind around this. It’s gonna take me a little while."

"I know this sounds crazy, Jamie, but I was in some sort of fugue. I never thought I’d say this, but I felt like I had temporary amnesia for a minute. I was truly out of my mind."

Jamie reflected on her partner’s statement. It made sense, in a way, even though it was terribly hurtful. Nonetheless, it was understandable that Ryan would be confused and thrown off her stride by Sara’s unexpected visit. But something was eating at her, and she couldn’t resist asking, "Ryan, I have to ask you this, and I want you to be honest with me. I want you to search your soul before you answer, so please consider this carefully. If you were not with me now, would you have made love to Sara today?"

The speed with which Ryan replied took Jamie by complete surprise. "I don't have to look very far for that answer, Jamie. I would have made love with Sara today if I were not committed to you." She saw the stunned look on her lover's face and added, "But that's not the important question. The important question is: who would I choose if both of you existed in my mind?"

She could see that Jamie was holding her breath, so she answered quickly, "I don't have to look very far for that answer either, Honey. I choose you. I choose you for today, and tomorrow, and for all of the days of my life. I love you, Jamie. I always will love you and I want nothing more than to wake up next to you until I never wake up again."

Jamie's lower lip began to quiver as she fought for control, "But if that's true, why would you have made love with her today?"

"Because I loved her," she said simply. "She was the only other woman I had ever loved—and I would have jumped at the chance to be with her if I didn’t have you. She meant more to me than anyone ever had, Jamie." Ryan gathered her partner into her arms and gave her an emotion-filled hug. "That’s all in the past now, Jamie. What I felt for Sara was love—I admit that freely. But that feeling, as powerful as it was, is nothing compared to what I feel for you. Only you can reach that hidden part of my soul that I show to no one else." Ryan dropped from the bench and knelt in front of her partner. "I love only you, Jamie. You're the last woman in my life," she whispered fervently as she laid her head in Jamie's lap. "I’m so very, very sorry that I’ve hurt you," she whispered, her voice ragged and thin. "I’d do anything to take back what happened today."

Jamie ran her fingers through the ebony tresses as they both shed a few more tears, neither able to change the events of the past hours, no matter how they wished they could. After a long while she pulled Ryan to her feet as she stood up on shaky legs. It was nearly nine o'clock, but for once in her life Ryan was not hungry. Jamie looked up at her and asked, "Can we go to bed?"

"There's no place I'd rather be," she agreed.

They crawled into bed together, after hastily stripping off their clothes. Ryan held her partner in her strong arms, rocking her slowly as she ran her fingers through her hair. She rocked her until she felt her begin to drift off, murmuring the whole while, "Only you, Jamie.
I love only you."

As Ryan’s eyes blinked open on Wednesday morning, she shivered a bit at the chill that pervaded the room. It was early, she reasoned, as the sky was just lightening to show a touch of blue at the base of the indigo darkness. She turned over and lay on her back, wriggling around quietly to stretch it out. Her right hand reached out automatically to make sure the sheet was covering Jamie, knowing that the chill would disturb her partner if she was not properly protected. To her surprise, a soft voice said, "Hi."

Turning quickly, Ryan felt a stab of pain hit her as she focused on her lover. Blood-shot green eyes blinked at her, tiny smudges of violet creating faint half-moons under the sleep-deprived orbs. A wave of guilt washed over Ryan as she realized that while she had slept peacefully and well, her partner had obviously been awake for some time, if not the entire night. The guilt and compassion she felt showed clearly on her face, and Jamie grasped the hand that moved to caress her. She placed a kiss on the fingers and whispered, "I’m okay, Honey. I just had a hard time staying asleep."

Ryan gathered her in her arms, unable to say anything to assuage the pain that she had caused. She held Jamie tenderly, running her hand through her hair while she stroked her bare back. They lay together, Jamie’s warm breath flowing over Ryan’s chest, for a long while, neither speaking a word. At 5:15 Ryan’s watch alarm began to beep, and she placed a gentle kiss on Jamie’s head and released her hold. She stumbled into the bath and took a quick shower, knowing that she had to get something into her stomach before she could go on her run.

To her shock, when she emerged from her room, Jamie was sitting on the bed, tying her running shoes.

"Are you going with me?"

Jamie gave Ryan a look that indicated her displeasure at her partner’s obvious amazement. "I
have
run before, Ryan," she said briskly, tugging on a tan cotton Cal baseball cap.

"I didn’t mean to imply that you couldn’t run with me if you wanted to, Jamie," she said softly, settling the cap squarely on her partner’s head. "I just didn’t think this was how you liked to spend your mornings. That’s all, Honey. Really."

Jamie grasped one of the hands that now rested on her shoulders and brushed the knuckles with a light kiss. "I’m a little grouchy, Babe. I’m just feeling a little sensitive."

"I’m glad you’re going with," Ryan said honestly. "I’d like to have you close today." Ryan dropped to her knees in front of her partner so that she could look directly into her eyes. "I’m gonna skip my run today, Honey. It’s obvious you had a very tough night. Why don’t we get back into bed and cuddle for a few hours." Her expression was one of complete empathy, and Jamie felt some of the chill in the room start to melt.

She ran a hand through Ryan’s dark hair, working out a few tangles that brisk drying had caused. "I appreciate the offer, Ryan, but we’re up now so we may as well go. I think it would help my golf game to increase the stamina of my legs," she replied, getting to her original reason for participating in the run. "I know I’ll have more determination to stick with it if I’m with the real jocks."

"You
are
a real jock, Stud Muffin," Ryan insisted, leaning in and ducking the bill of the cap for a small kiss.

They arrived at the designated meeting area at six a.m. sharp. Coach Placer and his assistants were already there, ticking off names on a clipboard. Ryan had been told that the runs were optional, but she had a feeling that the main option was whether or not she wanted to play during the season. The fact that the coach took attendance cemented that idea.

The other team members were slowly straggling over, most of them very bleary eyed. Jamie walked up to the coaching staff and reintroduced herself, greeting all three with poise. Coach Placer invited her to join the group whenever she chose, welcoming her to run at the back of the pack with him if the team members were too fast for her at first.

At 6:05 he decided that the latecomers would just have to catch up on their own. He marked off everyone in attendance and told them to get going, smiling to himself as the ragtag team members stumbled away in groups of two or three. About 12 women were present, and Ryan recognized a few of them from Monday’s run and Tuesday’s workout.

As they started off she said to Jamie, "What pace do you feel most comfortable with?"

"Evolutionary," she mumbled.

Ryan patted her gently on the back and said, "Okay, I can do that one."

They proceeded at Jamie’s preferred pace for a short while, but Ryan was not running like she normally did. Her gait was heavier, and Jamie could hear her foot strike, an anomaly for the normally light-footed runner. "How do you normally start?" Jamie asked.

"I like to do a very quick first mile to clear my head and find my pace. But this works, too," she insisted.

Jamie rolled her eyes and said, "I don’t need you to hang back here, Honey. I’ll get a workout at this pace, but you won’t. Now go on—shoo!"

"You sure you don’t mind if I take off?" It was clear that she wanted to go, but equally obvious that she wanted to stay and be supportive of Jamie’s efforts.

"Not at all. Just don't leave without me."

The wounded look that flitted across Ryan’s face made Jamie wish she could yank her last comment right back. She shook her head and tried to soothe the hurt away. "I meant that as a tease, Honey. Things just aren’t coming out right today."

Ryan nodded, adding a weak smile. "I know it’s hard today, Jamie. Let me go blow some energy out and I’ll be back in a few." She leaned over and gave her a little kiss. When Jamie looked up in surprise she said, "Might as well get them used to it right away." She shot her a grin and took off, gliding down the street in her inimitable style.

Now that’s better
, she mused as she watched Ryan quickly become a blur in the distance. "Pardon?" she asked, snapping her attention back into focus.

The woman who was speaking to her was tall, and blonde, and drop-dead gorgeous. There was something familiar about her, and Jamie narrowed her eyes in contemplation, trying to recall if they had been in classes together. She looked a little like an L.A. surfer, tons of bronzed skin showing against the bright yellow running shorts and sky blue singlet that barely covered her body. The sleekly muscled body made a strong statement that she was an athlete, but the vaguely Nordic features and cool blue eyes gave the impression that they belonged to a high fashion model. "I said that I didn't think we'd met before," the woman said in a voice that was higher pitched than Jamie would have chosen for such an imposing figure. "I'm Jordan Ericsson."

"Nice to meet you, Jordan, I'm Jamie Evans. We spoke on the phone the other day."

"So we did," she said with the beginnings of a smile warming up her frosty countenance. "It’s good to meet you in person, Jamie," she said in a friendly, welcoming tone. They ran along for a few hundred yards, Jamie struggling a bit to keep up with the long, smooth stride of the leggy blonde.

Jordan cast a glance or two at Jamie’s heaving chest and finally asked, "Do you run often?"

"No," she admitted with a small laugh. "I'm trying to use you all to motivate me to run. It’s not my natural state," she said needlessly.

"I see," said Jordan, casting a smirk at the panting woman. "Did you
want
to run alone, or did Ryan abandon you?"

That particular choice of words did not go down well after the events of the previous night, but Jamie did her best to hide the pained look that tried to surface. "She’s far too quick for me to keep up with," she explained, thinking that phrase applied to many areas. "It didn’t seem fair to ask her to hang out back here."

"She did seem pretty quick," Jordan agreed. "But I think the view back here is much more pleasant." Her expression was still very cool, and Jamie was puzzled as she tried to reconcile the flirtatious comment with the impenetrable mask of her face.

Rather than even try to engage in the repartee, she quickly changed the subject. "Is this your first year on the team?"

Jordan gave her a quick glance as she tried to determine if Jamie was kidding. "Uh…no. I’m a senior," she revealed. "This is my fourth year on the team."

"I didn’t mean to imply that you looked immature or anything, Jordan," she said with a smile.

Jordan’s features softened, and she laughed a little at the comment. "No offense taken, Jamie. I’m used to most of the new people knowing who I am. I thought that Ryan might have mentioned me."

"No," she had to admit. "I don’t think Ryan knows a lot about volleyball, to tell you the truth. She’s more into soccer."

Jordan slowed down, staring at Jamie with a puzzled expression. "What do you mean, she doesn’t know much about volleyball? I heard she kicked butt in her tryout—and I know one of the girls she beat out from a camp I went to earlier this year. She can play!"

"I didn’t say that Ryan couldn’t play," she said with an impish grin. "I meant that she has been away from the sport for quite a few years."

Jordan’s face resumed its tranquil, unreadable expression. She ran in silence for a few minutes, obviously trying to put the pieces of the puzzle together. "Is she from California?"

"Yes."

"Where from?"

"San Francisco," she supplied, adding, "She went to high school at Sacred Heart Academy."

Jordan shook her head. "Never heard of it. You say she’s been away from the sport—where’s she been?"

"Long story," Jamie huffed, having a devil of a time speaking while she ran. "She played for one year at USF. I think that was her freshman year—she’s a senior now."

"That’s it!" Jordan proclaimed, her face breaking into a sunny grin that almost seemed incongruous. "I knew I’d seen her before. We played USF when I was a freshman. We got our butts kicked, as a matter of fact. I think Ryan was responsible for the major part of that butt kicking, too." She grew quiet, running along for several minutes. Finally, she turned and said, "I need to pick up the pace a bit, Jamie. Nice talking to you." Before Jamie could open her mouth, the lanky woman kicked her body into a gear that Jamie did not possess and took off effortlessly, gliding along past her fellow teammates.

Jamie gave a little wave to her back as she settled down to a more comfortable pace. She was tiring, but all in all she felt pretty good about her performance so far. She was much more comfortable than she had been on the few runs she had taken with Jack, and she assumed that the long hours on her bike had paid off in both leg strength and cardiovascular fitness.

After about three miles Ryan appeared in the distance. She was chatting with one of the other women, and it was clear that she was running much slower than was typical for her. Jamie put on as big a burst of speed as she had in her and caught up with them. "Hey, Speedy," Ryan smiled.

"I'm dying," she gasped.

"Do you want to walk for a while?"

"No, I'm going to tough it out. But you don't have to go as slow as I do. I know you must be itching."

Ryan laughed and shook her head. "I'm fine, Jamie. I'm going to do a big workout at the gym today, so I don't need to leave all of my energy out here."

"That reminds me, I've got to get my butt back into the gym. I'm going to lose all of my hard-won muscle."

"You've got a ways to go before that happens," Ryan said with an admiring glance. "We do need to tailor your program to focus on your golf game, though. Why don’t you skip playing today and come with me?"

Jamie knew that the request was as much for her benefit as Ryan’s, and she appreciated that her partner was trying to look out for her. "Okay, but will I get in the way?"

"Of course not. My twelve o’clock is a really nice woman. I’m sure she wouldn’t mind if I worked you both out at the same time. We can go a little early and I’ll show you the exercises I want you to do, then I can just keep an eye on you."

"I’d like that, Ryan," she admitted. "I’m feeling a little shaky today."

"I am too, Babe," Ryan agreed. "I think you might feel a little less shaky if you got some more sleep. Why don’t we go home and take a long nap?"

She looked up at Ryan with a shy smile. "Would you do that for me?" She knew that as a general rule, Ryan hated to sleep in, and going back to bed at seven o’clock was even more out of character.

"Without question." Her expression was soft and gentle, the look in her eyes one of utter devotion.

Jamie nodded her acquiescence. "I appreciate that, Ryan."

"It’s gonna take a few days before we get over this, Jamie." She cast a long look at her partner and assured her in a voice filled with confidence, "But we
will
get over this."

By one o’clock Jamie was toast, but she found that she still had a need to stay close to her partner. Ryan did her best to devote as much attention to her as possible, and she decided to dedicate some time to getting in a good, long stretch to keep her muscles loose. Every few minutes Ryan would appear and help her get into a certain position, or gently move her body a few degrees in one direction or another, and Jamie spent a minute thinking about how odd it felt to experience those familiar hands touching her in such a public setting.

She recalled the first time she had worked out under Ryan’s tutelage, and how delicious it felt to have the cool, sure hands move her body like a poseable doll. She watched her lover move her client around the gym, observing the slight reserve that masked the open attitude she revealed at home. Considering the image she presented to the public, Jamie acknowledged that there was an inner fire mixed with a startling vulnerability that Ryan kept very well hidden from almost everyone. She was absolutely certain that none of Ryan’s clients, few of her friends, and even fewer of her lovers had ever seen the inner Ryan, no matter how much of her body they might have been exposed to.