Disclosures - SF4 (42 page)

Her partner set about tasting and licking every inch of her mouth and lips. After a few minutes of this thorough survey she dropped back onto the bed with her breathing slightly quickened. "I'm sure you had orange juice. And I got a real hint of fruit, like raspberry. So you must have had jam, cause that's the only thing we have with raspberry in it." She closed her eyes, deep in thought. "I tasted some kind of cereal, but I could never tell which kind with you," she teased. "So let's call that Ryan's Jumble. I couldn't taste it, but I know you put a banana on your cereal 'cause you always do." She sat up with a confident look in her eye. "How'd I do?"

"You've missed your calling, Sweetie. You should have been a detective."

As she trailed her fingers seductively over Ryan’s chest she asked, "If I take a quick shower, will you allow me to investigate the rest of your luscious body?"

"Absolutely," she said happily. "But it's okay with me if you wait until after we've finished the investigation. You'll need one then anyway if I have my way," she whispered.

"Nope," Jamie insisted, hopping out of bed before Ryan’s quick hands could grab on to her. "If I get to play with a nice clean body, so do you. Fair’s fair, Buffy." As she scampered into the bath she decided, "I think I’ll even brush my teeth in the shower today. We can play ‘Find the Crest’ all morning."

Ryan shot her a dazzling white grin, confident that tooth decay would be a thing of the past if everyone got to play that game on a daily basis.

Ryan was going to go straight to work after her weight-lifting session, so Jamie had the house to herself for the first time since they’d been back in town. A substantial pile of unopened mail had been building up, so she decided to tackle that little project and then go to the driving range to work on her middle irons for a couple of hours.

It was nearly noon when the ringing phone snapped her out of her absorption. "Hello," she said rather absently as she reviewed a statement from her trust fund.

"Jamie, it’s Cassie."

In less time than it took to snap her gaping mouth closed, Jamie’s defenses went up and she was spoiling for a fight. "And…" she said curtly, surprised at the coldness her heard in her own voice.

Strangely, Cassie didn’t rise to the bait. "And," she replied quietly, "I wanted to know if it would be all right if I came over to the house for a few minutes."

"Why on earth would you want to do that?" Cassie’s gentle tone was making her wonder about her motivations for calling, but Jamie had no desire to hide her wrath.

"Um…two reasons." Her voice was much quieter than normal, and there was almost a frail quality to it. "One, I left some things in the floor safe in the library, and I’d like to retrieve them."

"I can get them and send them to you," Jamie snapped.

"Well, um…you could, but you’d have to have a locksmith come," she reminded her. "I was the only one to use it, and I have the only key."

"I can afford to have a locksmith come, Cassie. It’s well worth the expense to avoid seeing you again. I’d rather blow the house up than have you enter the door again." She had never—ever—spoken to someone in such harsh terms, and it took her a second to understand that she would not have been so angry at Cassie’s actions if they were only meant to hurt her. But she had been cruel to Ryan, and Jamie could not tolerate that, under any circumstances.

Cassie sighed deeply and continued her request, in an even quieter voice. "I deserve that, Jamie. I really do. I’m not going to even try to defend myself. There is no justification for what I did. I treated you horribly, and I just want you to know that I’m sorry, and if there was any way to make it up to you, I would." She said this entire statement in a rush, the words tumbling out so quickly that she nearly stumbled over them. She sucked in another audible breath and said, "I’m sorry I bothered you, Jamie. I’ll send you the key so you don’t have to see me."

"WAIT," Jamie said, loud enough for Cassie to hear as she hung up. "Wait." Quieter this time, but firm and decisive. "I’m sorry for being so rude, Cassie. I…I…well, you do deserve a good kick in the pants, but it’s not my nature to be cruel. It doesn’t feel right, and I’m sorry I came across that way."

"It’s okay, Jamie," she said quickly. "I don’t blame you in the least."

"You said you had two reasons you wanted to come over. What is the second?"

"I want to apologize, Jamie. I’ve …um…I’ve had some time to think about things over the last few weeks, and I’m…um…I just have a different perspective…on life."

Jamie had known Cassie since they were in kindergarten. They were never best friends, but they had spent a lot of time together, both because of school and their mothers' friendship. In the sixteen years she had known her, she had never heard Cassie genuinely apologize for anything. A part of her wanted to just have her send the key back, but another part of her was curious about what had caused this apparent introspection. "What’s going on, Cassie?" she finally asked. "You don’t seem like yourself at all."

"I can’t explain it on the phone, Jamie. I’ll write to you if you are interested. It’s just…too personal to do on the phone. I kinda thought…well, never mind what I thought. I’ll send you the key, Jamie. Thanks."

"Cassie, hold on a minute," Jamie insisted. "Tell me what’s going on."

There was a pregnant pause as the woman on the other end decided how much to reveal. "Some things happened to me in New York that have really confused me, Jamie. I don’t know why I thought you’d be willing, but I had this notion that maybe I could talk about it with you." She let out a heavy sigh and said, "I don’t have any friends in New York, and…I just…I just thought you might be willing to help me through this."

"What about Chris?" Jamie asked, referring to Cassie’s boyfriend.

An even bigger sigh was her reply. "That’s why I’m here," she admitted. "Chris and I broke up. I came back this week to tell him. It just wasn’t fair to lead him on." She sounded nearly desolate, and Jamie felt a surprising amount of empathy for her former friend. There was something so fragile about her—a quality that Jamie had never seen before. Before she knew it, the words were coming out of her mouth: "I have a little time before I need to go out. Can you come over right now?"

"Yes!" Cassie jumped at the chance, and Jamie felt confident that she had done the right thing. She didn’t want to see the woman who had caused her so much pain, but she could not convince herself to be as cruel as Cassie herself had been. "I’m in Berkeley right now, Jamie. I’ll be there in ten minutes."

Jamie ran around the house, removing every visible sign of Ryan’s presence. There wasn’t much, actually, Ryan being perpetually neat, but she didn’t want to reveal any details of their living situation to Cassie. She certainly was not ashamed of Ryan, but she did not trust Cassie any further than she could throw her, and she did not want her to have any grist—whether or not she was in the mood to use the mill.

A few minutes later, Jamie answered the light knock at the door. Cassie looked about the same physically, long blonde hair parted down the middle, frosty blue eyes revealing little of her internal feelings. Cassie was a good six inches taller than Jamie, but today she gave the impression of a much smaller and frailer woman. She seemed almost meek—a term Jamie would never have though to use for the normally brash woman.

They did not hug one another--both knew those days were over--but Cassie stood patiently on the front porch, not making any overtures towards entering until Jamie stepped back and said, "Come on in, Cassie."

She did so, standing uncertainly in the entryway, waiting for a signal. As they made their way into the living room Jamie spied a pair of Ryan’s shoes on the floor near the heavy table near the stairs. She managed to silently kick them out of sight, thanking the heavens that Cassie had been in front of her.

Cassie sat gingerly on the edge of the love seat, while Jamie chose one of the upholstered chairs. "Thank you for this, Jamie," she said quietly, refusing to meet Jamie’s eyes.

"Tell me what’s going on, Cassie," she urged.

The taller woman looked over at her and hesitated before beginning her tale. "Ít’s been an interesting few weeks in New York," she ventured, fidgeting nervously on the chair. "Most of the people I work with at Time/Life are East Coasters, and they’re just so different from us. They’re…I don’t know…more artsy or something."

Jamie smiled at this comment, knowing that there were plenty of arty people at Cal—Cassie just didn’t hang around with them.

"One of the women that I work with goes to Smith," she explained. "She’s a New Yorker, and her parents own a gorgeous apartment in the Dakota." Cassie tilted her head, silently asking if Jamie knew the building near Central Park.

"That’s where John Lennon lived, wasn’t it?"

"Yes," Cassie confirmed, a little surprised that a left coaster had heard of it. "Anyway, Zoey’s parents are retired, and they spend most of their time out on the island."

Jamie rolled her eyes slightly, already tired of Cassie’s attempts to sound like a New Yorker. "Yes…" she led, hoping to get to the point.

"So…she offered to let me stay with her this summer."

Jamie furrowed her brow, thinking that she recalled some other arrangements. "Didn’t you agree to share a sublet with another intern?"

Cassie nodded perfunctorily. "Yes, I did, but staying with Zoey was going to be free, Jamie," she said, as though that explained why it was all right to pull out on well-established plans at the last minute. "It’s really expensive in New York, and I didn’t want to spend my whole allowance on rent."

Jamie shook her head in consternation, thinking,
Same old Cassie.

To her surprise, Cassie once again grew pensive, a rather uncommon occurrence for the woman. "I thought this would be a nice, easy way to save a few thousand dollars," she said, nearing tears. "But it’s…it’s…confusing me so badly I don’t know what to do."

Jamie was sure that at some previous time in her life, Cassie had been moved to tears, but not in her presence. A few drops tumbled out of her eyes, not a torrent by any means, but a clearer sign of her humanity than Jamie had ever witnessed. "Tell me what’s happened," Jamie said, leaning forward on the love seat.

Cassie sighed, letting out a breath as she shook her head sharply, the long, golden tresses falling neatly against her shoulders. "Zoey is…she’s…I can’t even begin to describe her, Jamie. I’ve never met anyone like her."

Jamie’s brows knit closer together as she tried to guess where this path was leading. "Go on," she urged.

Cassie’s face broke into a gentle smile as she continued, "She’s so interesting, and bright. She can talk for hours about music or art…"

"She sounds like an interesting person," Jamie interrupted, "but what does that have to do with your problem?"

Cassie rested back against the chair, tilting her head until she stared at the ceiling. She let out the breath she held and revealed, "I think I’m falling in love with her."

Jamie nearly laughed in her former friend’s face, but the fragile, wounded look on Cassie’s face brought her compassion to the forefront. "Have you…told her this?"

Cassie shook her head so sharply that her hair flew around her head. "No. I haven’t said a thing. I don’t know what she’d do, or if she’d even be interested." Looking at Jamie with a plaintive look she asked, "What should I do, Jamie?"

There were many avenues that Jamie could take. With anyone else in the world, she would have revealed her own struggles with the issue and reassured Cassie that she should try to find out the truth about her own feelings first. But Cassie had never proved to be a very trustworthy person, and she honestly did not think she could risk it. Instead she said, "As you know, I took the class on ‘The Lesbian Experience’."

Cassie nodded, looking a little embarrassed. Jamie hoped her embarassment was over her role in torturing Jamie about the class, but she could never be sure with Cassie.

"I still have the reading list that gives resources on some books that might help you sort out your feelings. Would you like it?"

Cassie nodded, looking a little unsatisfied, but somewhat grateful. "That would be nice."

Taking pity on her, Jamie said, "I do know one thing, Cassie. Some of the best people I know are lesbians. There is no shame in it, if that is who you turn out to be. I’m sure it would be hard for you, but being yourself is really the only option."

She nodded again, her eyes blinking closed as she tried to hide her tears. Jamie got up to go to her room, patting Cassie on the shoulder as she passed.

"I’ll go get my jewelry from the safe while you find the list," she said quietly.

It took a few minutes for Jamie to find the reading list, but she pulled it from a binder just as she heard Cassie ascending the stairs. She looked around her room and saw the unmade bed, sheet and blanket thrown into a pile on the floor, two pillows neatly stacked atop one another next to the bed, used in an effort to provide a better angle and some cushioning for some of their morning activities, an open jar of raspberry jam on the bedside table, a damp washcloth stained with the deep red color of the jam, and the unmistakable aroma of sex—plenty of sex--from the very recent past. She practically ran for the door, jumping across the threshold just as Cassie hit the landing, and drawing the door closed after herself.