Disclosures - SF4 (52 page)

Jamie shot her a grateful glance and insisted, "I was very proud of you, too, Honey. You were so polite and well spoken--you didn’t let any of their questions or comments get to you…you were just a pleasure to watch all evening."

"I felt surprisingly at ease with your parents," Ryan agreed. "I had some catastrophic thoughts too, but mostly concerning how they might treat you after you told them. I would have had trouble dealing with it if they had done anything to hurt you. It is nice to know those fears were unjustified."

Jamie nodded, her mouth curling into a slow smile as she recalled, "It went better for you than it did for Jack."

"Really? With all of the things he had going for him? How so?"

Jamie shivered as she remembered the excessively long time the poor man had been held hostage in her father’s office. "I never did find out all of the details, but Daddy had Jack in that office for the better part of an afternoon! When he came out, he looked like he’d been through the Star Chamber!"

Ryan laughed at what she assumed was an exaggeration. "It didn’t feel like the Spanish Inquisition to me, Babe. But he did try to make it clear that he knew who you were…and that I didn’t."

Jamie jutted her chin out a bit in a defiant gesture. "I know who I am, Ryan. I am the same person I was this morning when Daddy was telling me how proud he is of me. I’m the same person I was when Mother showed how terribly happy she was that I came down to welcome her home. Nothing about me has changed—and nothing has to change for them if they don’t let it. They have a wonderful new daughter-in-law who I know they will love once they get to know you. Other than that, everything is the same."

Everything is the same for you, Love, but their image of you has forever changed.
"You seem…I don’t know…" Ryan gazed thoughtfully at her partner, trying to put a name to the emotions she was seeing. There was relief, yes, but also, "You seem…almost giddy."

Jamie laughed and nodded enthusiastically. "I feel giddy! I was prepared for the worst and it didn’t happen. I really feel that we will eventually build a relationship with them, Ryan. Even if it’s no more than what we had today, that will be okay. They were polite to you and pretty much normal with me. That’s more than I hoped for, and it’s such a relief that I want to shout with joy!"

Ryan grasped her thigh, giving it a little squeeze. "I’m really happy for you, Babe. I’ve known a lot of people who did not have such a pleasant experience. I think we’ve got a lot to be thankful for."

"I let them see me more fully today, Ryan. Now they can start to know me as I am."

Her confident expression was absolutely beautiful to Ryan’s appreciative eyes, and she realized that she had unconsciously begun to hum a song that fit the occasion perfectly. With an impish smile she offered, "Jamie, a couple of weeks ago I showed you the secret handshake." Twinkling green eyes gazed at Ryan, causing her breathing to catch for a moment as she felt herself drawn in by their seductive charms. She shook her head to clear it and continued, "Would you like to learn the theme song?"

"There’s a theme song, is there?" She smiled broadly at her partner, continually seduced by her charming, playful manner.

"Oh, yes." Ryan was nodding seriously, calling to mind the earnest young girl that Jamie had seen in pictures and had a very clear mental picture of. "Every group needs a theme song."

"Is this a lesbian theme song?" Her tone was light, teasing, and Ryan took it as such.

"No…it’s definitely not for lesbians alone. Although I have a song for that too," she admitted, continuing her unbroken string of being able to come up with a song for every occasion. "I’d say this song is for anyone who has come to terms with who they are—and are happy with their discovery." Leaning over in the seat, Ryan kissed her partner on the cheek, and whispered in her ear, "Someone like you." Sitting back in her own seat, she was gazing at Jamie with an absolutely delighted smile, and the smaller woman was terribly pleased that Ryan was with her to share in her self-discovery, in oh-so-many more ways than one.

"Let’s hear it, Babe. It sounds like perfect music for a traffic jam." They had finally begun to crawl through the worst of it, and both could now see that there were a number of flashing lights up ahead, indicating a serious accident of some sort.

"Okay," Ryan agreed happily. She cleared her throat and started off slowly, almost speaking the words. She intoned the first verse dramatically, capturing Jamie’s rapt attention:

I am what I am, I am my own special creation

So come take a look, give me the hook

Or the ovation.

It's my world and I want to have a little pride in

My world and it's not a place I have to hide in

Life's not worth a damn

'Til you can say I am what I am

Once the first verse was out of the way, Ryan started to move her body in the seat, her shoulders and hips starting to twitch in accompaniment to the song obviously playing in her head. Her eyes fluttered closed and Jamie could see her lungs fill with air. She knew the next verse would be sung—and she had a feeling it would be sung at full voice. Her prediction came true as Ryan tossed her head back and belted out the next verse:

I am what I am

I don't want praise. I don't want pity

I bang my own drum. Some think it's noise, I think it's pretty

And so what if I love each sparkle and each spangle

Why not try to see things from a different angle

Your life is a sham until you can shout out I AM WHAT I AM!!

The last line of the song burst forth from her body with unrestrained joy. In that moment Jamie realized exactly why she loved the marvelous woman at her side. It was because that line was the essence of Ryan—and she hoped that, some day, those words would define her as well. Ryan was essentially … completely … herself. She put herself out there for the world to see, and if they didn’t like her, that was their problem, not hers. She had plenty of friends, and plenty of family members who loved her unconditionally; she didn’t need to curry the favor of the unfortunate few who did not appreciate her "Ryan-ness."

They reached the scene of the accident and realized why traffic had been so horrible. A truck had lost a load of baled hay onto the roadway, and Caltrans workers, firemen, and California Highway Patrol officers were scattered across the road, trying to clear the lanes. Only one lane in their direction was open, and as they crawled along Ryan started the last verse. With the open top, her head nearly stuck out the top of the small car. Every person they passed stopped and stared at her, most smiling at the exuberant display.

I am what I am and what I am needs no excuses

I deal my own deck; sometimes the ace--sometimes the deuces

It's one life and there's no return and no deposit

One life so it's time to open up your closet

Life's not worth a damn 'til you can shout out I AM WHAT I AM!!!

By the end of the song, they had passed the congestion and were cruising along at a good clip. The slow traffic had allowed Jamie to pay close attention, and by the time they reached the Bay Bridge she felt confident enough with the words to reprise the last few lines.

The brisk breeze whipped their hair around their heads, adding to the exhilaration of the song. Jamie had to pay attention to her driving, but Ryan was dancing rather wildly in her seat, the beat she heard in her head providing all of the accompaniment that they needed. Her arms were stretched out above her head, thrusting into the air as their voices joined together to sing,

It’s one life and there’s no return and no deposit

One life so it’s time to open up your closet

Life’s not worth a damn, ‘til you can shout out I AM WHAT I AM!!!

As the final notes were carried away on the wind, Jamie captured Ryan’s left hand and brought it to her lips, bestowing an almost reverent kiss on her palm. Ryan subsided into her seat, reveling in the sensation of that intimate caress. Rather than releasing her grasp, Jamie drew Ryan’s hand to her chest and pressed it over her rapidly beating heart. She smiled as a sidelong glance at her love took in the raised eyebrow that presaged a question. Ryan did not disappoint.

"So," she asked with a smile, "you like the theme song?"

Jamie nodded. "I did, Love, but that’s not all."

Her hand still clasped over Jamie’s breast, Ryan gave the slightest of squeezes. "So then, what
was
this for?"

Jamie sent her a quick gaze so filled with love that Ryan felt like she’d taken an elbow to the solar plexus. The short look was all she could spare, since she had to focus on her driving as they passed from one section of the bridge to the next. Even though her body was fully engaged in the act of driving, her mind had been composing the thoughts that she now shared with her spouse. "For loving me enough to give me the space and the support I needed to discover for myself more of who I am and what I am about. For loving me so much that you would risk losing me to Jack, if it would make me happy. For subjecting yourself to my parents, just because you knew it was important to me. For making me a part of your family…and your life." Her hand softly pressed Ryan’s where it rested against her chest, and she shared another love-filled look with her partner. "For being my heart."

Ryan absorbed the loving warmth of Jamie’s words, then took the hand that covered hers and brought it to her lips for a kiss of its own. Mirroring Jamie’s gesture, she settled it over her heart, clasping it firmly while she gathered her own thoughts. "I know that you think you have learned from me, Love, but I have learned so much from you. You have helped me to be able to give up control, to feel safe even when I am most vulnerable. From you, my heart has learned the truth about love and the wonder of what a relationship can be. I know that my heart is safe with you, Jamie, and I hope you know that your heart is safe with me." She gently relinquished the hand that she held, knowing that its rightful position, for now, was on the steering wheel, but also knowing that she would find other, more interesting occupations for it later. Leaning over, she delivered an almost chaste kiss to the wind-chilled cheek, then settled back in her seat and closed her eyes again, anxious to get home.

Despite money disagreements, the differences in their upbringing, past hurts and former lovers, their deep, abiding love for one another would always keep them together. And, as long as they were together, wherever they were would be home.

Jamie glanced over at Ryan’s beautiful profile and a happy smile played around her lips. It wouldn’t be much longer now. They were speeding across the bridge, their home city spread out beneath them in the distance; twinkling lights, like beacons, welcoming them home once again.