Diary of a Wimpy Kid (9 page)

[Image: a robot.] The Caption reads: " Hi BOB it is very nice to meet you BOB."

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But then someone else pointed out that you shouldn't be able to use bad words for your name, because the robot shouldn't be able to curse. So we decided we should come up with a list of all the bad words the robot shouldn't be able to say.

We came up with all the regular bad words, but then Ricky Fisher came up with twenty more the rest of us had never even heard before.

[Image: a cartoon showing four children making a list.]

So Ricky ended up being one of the most valuable contributors on this project.

Right before the bell rang, Mr. Darnell came back in the room to check on our progress. He picked up the piece of paper we were writing on and read it over.

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To make a long story short, Independent Study is canceled for the rest of the year.

[Image: a cartoon showing a man talking to children.]

Well, at least it is for us boys. So if the robots in the future are going around with cherry lip gloss for fingers, at least now you know how it all got started.

Thursday

In school today they had a general assembly and showed the movie "It's Great to Be Me," which they show us every year.

The movie is all about how you should be happy with who you are and not change anything about yourself.

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To be honest with you, I think that's a really dumb message to be telling kids, especially the ones at my school.

[Image: a cartoon showing a boy being pushed by two man.] The Caption reads: " It's great to be me!

Ha ha ha!"

Later on, they made an announcement that there are some openings on the Safety Patrols, and that got me thinking.

If someone picks on a Safety Patrol, it can get them suspended. The way I figure it, I can use any extra protection I can get.

Plus, I realized that maybe being in a position of authority could be good for me.

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[Image: a cartoon showing people trying to cross the road.] The Caption reads: " Can we please cross the street now?

Nope.

But we've been standing here for an hour!"

I went down to Mr. Winsky's office and signed myself up, and I got Rowley to sign up, too. I thought Mr. Winsky would make us do a bunch of chin-ups or jumping jacks or something to prove we were up for the job, but he just handed us our belts and badges on the spot.

[Image: a cartoon showing a man talking to two boys.]

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Mr. Winsky said the openings were for a special assignment. Our school is right next to the elementary school, and they've got a half-day kindergarten there.

He wants us to walk the morning session kids home in the middle of the day. I realized that meant we would miss twenty minutes of Pre-Algebra. Rowley must have figured that out, too, because he started to speak up. But I gave him a wicked pinch underneath the desk before he could finish his sentence.

[Image: a cartoon showing two boys talking to their teacher.] The Caption reads: " But we would miss Yahooey!"

I couldn't believe my luck. I was getting instant bully protection and a free pass from half of Pre-Algebra, and I didn't even have to lift a finger.

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Tuesday

Today was our first day as Safety Patrols. Me and Rowley don't technically have stations like all the other Patrols, so that means we don't have to stand out in the freezing cold for an hour before school.

But that didn't stop us from coming to the cafeteria for the free hot chocolate they hand out to the other Patrols before homeroom.

[Image: a cartoon showing children in the cafeteria.] The Caption reads: " Clink"

Another great perk is that you get to show up ten minutes late for first period.

[Image: a cartoon showing a boy entering the classroom.] The Caption reads: " Hel-lo!"

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I'm telling you, I've got it made with this Safety Patrol thing.

At 12:15, me and Rowley left school and walked the kindergartners home. The whole trip ate up forty-five minutes, and there were only twenty minutes of Pre-Algebra left when we got back.

Walking the kids home was no sweat. But one of the kindergartners started to smell a little funny, and I think maybe he had an accident in his pants.

He tried to let me know about it, but I just stared straight ahead and kept walking. I'll take these kids home, but believe me, I didn't sign up for any diaper duty.

[Image: a cartoon showing children in a line.] The Caption reads: " Tug Tug"

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FEBRUARY

Wednesday

Today it snowed for the first time this winter, and school was canceled. We were supposed to have a test in Pre-Algebra, and I've kind of slacked off ever since I became a Safety Patrol. So I was psyched.

[Image: a cartoon showing a boy looking out of the window.]

I called Rowley and told him to come over. Me and him have been talking about building the world's biggest snowman for the past couple of years now.

And when I say the world's biggest snowman, I'm not kidding. Our goal is to get into the "Guinness Book of World Records."

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[Image: a cartoon showing two boys making a snowman.] The Caption reads: " Flash"

But every time we've gotten serious about going for the record, all the snow has melted, and we've missed our window of opportunity. So this year, I wanted to get started right away.

When Rowley came over, we started rolling the first snowball to make the base. I figured the base was going to have to be at least eight feet tall on its own if we wanted to have a shot at breaking the record. But the snowball got real heavy, and we had to take a bunch of breaks in between rolls so we could catch our breath.

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[Image: a cartoon showing two boys pushing a snowball.] The Caption reads: " Grunt!

Wheeze!"

During one of our breaks, Mom came outside to go to the grocery store, but our snowball was blocking her car in. So we got a little free labor out of her.

[Image: a cartoon showing Mom trying to remove the snowball.] The Caption reads: " Grunt!

Wheeze!"

After our break, me and Rowley pushed that snowball until we couldn't push it any farther. But when we looked behind us, we saw the mess we had made.

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The snowball had gotten so heavy that it tore up all the sod Dad had just laid down this fall.

I was hoping it would snow a few more inches and cover up our tracks, but just like that, it stopped snowing.

[Image: a cartoon showing two boys with a snowball.]

Our plan to build the world's biggest snowman was starting to fall apart. So I came up with a better idea for our snowball.

Every time it snows, the kids from Whirley Street use our hill for sledding, even though this isn't their neighborhood.

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So tomorrow morning, when the Whirley Street kids come marching up our hill, me and Rowley are going to teach those guys a lesson.

[Image: a cartoon showing snowball rolling down.]

Thursday

When I woke up this morning, the snow was already starting to melt. So I told Rowley to hurry up and get down to my house.

While I was waiting for Rowley to show up, I watched Manny trying to build a snowman out of the piddly crumbs of snow that were left over from our snowball.

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It was actually kind of pathetic.

[Image: a cartoon showing a boy sitting on the snowball.]

I really couldn't help doing what I did next. Unfortunately for me, right at that moment, Dad was at the front window.

[Image: a cartoon showing a boy with his little brother and a snowball.] The Caption reads: " Yaah!"

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Dad was ALREADY mad at me for tearing up the sod, so I knew I was in for it. I heard the garage door open and I saw Dad coming outside. He marched right out carrying a snow shovel, and I thought I was going to have to make a run for it.

[Image: a cartoon showing two boys with a snowball.]

But Dad was heading for my snowball, not me. And in less than a minute, he reduced all our hard work to nothing.

[Image: a cartoon showing snowball being reduced to small pieces.]

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Rowley came by a few minutes later. I thought he might actually get a kick out of what happened.

[Image: two boys looking at the broken snowball.] The Caption reads: " Heh, Heh."

But I guess he had his heart set on rolling that snowball down the hill, and he was really mad. But get this: Rowley was mad at ME for what DAD did.

I told Rowley he was being a big baby, and we got in a shoving match. Right when it looked like we were going to get in an all-out fight, we got ambushed from the street.

[Image: a cartoon showing two boys fighting.]

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It was a hit-and-run by the Whirley Street kids.

[Image: a cartoon showing children sledging down.]

And if Mrs. Levine, my English teacher, was there, I'm sure she would have said the whole situation was "ironic."

Wednesday

Today at school they announced there's an opening for the cartoonist job in the school paper. There's only one comic slot, and up until now this kid named Bryan Little has been hogging it all to himself.

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Bryan has this comic called "Wacky Dawg," and when it started off, it was actually pretty funny.

But lately, Bryan's been using his strip to handle his personal business. I guess that's why they gave him the axe.

[Image: a cartoon showing a boy talking to a dog.] The Caption reads: " Wacky Dawg

Hey, Wacky dawg, say somethin' funny!

Actually, I have something serious on my mind today.

Bryan little

Susan Lim, if you are reading this, Bryan is very sorry he kissed your best friend Rachel behind the lockers. He hopes you can find it in your heart to forgive him.

P.S Barry Palmer, you still owe Bryan five dollars, you BUM!"

As soon as I heard the news, I knew I had to try out. "Wacky Dawg" made Bryan Little a celebrity at our school, and I wanted to get in on some of that kind of fame.

I had a taste of what it's like to be famous at my school when I won honorable mention in this antismoking contest they had.

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All I did was trace a picture from one of Rodrick's heavy metal magazines, but luckily, no one ever found out.

[Image: A poster.] The Caption reads: " Don't smoke or you'll look like me."

The kid who won first place is named Chris Carney. And what kind of ticks me off is that Chris smokes at least a pack of cigarettes a day.

[Image: a girl holding a poster.] The Caption reads: " Don't Smoke. It's a joke."

167

Thursday

Me and Rowley decided to team up and do a cartoon together. So after school today he came over to my house, and we got to work.

[Image: a cartoon showing two boys making a cartoon.]

We banged out a bunch of characters real quick, but that turned out to be the easy part. When we tried to think up some jokes, we kind of hit a wall.

I finally came up with a good solution.

I made up a cartoon where the punch line of every strip is "Zoo-Wee Mama!"

That way we wouldn't get bogged down with having to write actual jokes, and we could concentrate on the pictures.