Diary of a Wimpy Kid (5 page)

I think next Halloween I'll just stay home and mooch some Butterfingers from the bowl Mom keeps on top of the refrigerator.

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NOVEMBER

Thursday

On the bus ride into school today, we passed by Gramma's house. It got rolled with toilet paper last night, which I guess was no big surprise.

[Image: A cartoon showing two boys in a school bus.]

I do feel a little bad, because it looked like it was gonna take a long time to clean up. But on the bright side, Gramma is retired, so she probably didn't have anything planned for today anyway.

Wednesday

In third period, Mr. Underwood, our Phys Ed teacher, announced that the boys will be doing a wrestling unit for the next six weeks.

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If there's one thing most boys in my school are into, it's professional wrestling. So Mr. Underwood might as well have set off a bomb.

Lunch comes right after Phys Ed, and the cafeteria was a complete madhouse.

[Image: A cartoon showing children in a cafeteria creating a mess.]

I don't know what the school is thinking having a wrestling unit.

But I decided if I don't want to get twisted into a pretzel for the next month and a half, I'd better do my homework on this wrestling business.

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So I rented a couple of video games to learn some moves. And you know what? After a while, I was really starting to get the hang of it.

[Image: A cartoon showing two boys playing video games.] The Caption reads: "Does This feel right?

Yes! No! Help!"

In fact, the other kids in my class had better look out, because if I keep this up, I could be a real threat.

[Image: A cartoon showing a boy carrying another one.]

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Then again, I better make sure I don't do TOO good. This kid named Preston Mudd got named Athlete of the Month for being the best player in the basketball unit, so they put his picture up in the hallway.

[Image: a poster.] The Caption reads: " P. Mudd

Athlete of the Month"

It took people about five seconds to realize how "P. Mudd" sounded when you said it out loud, and after that, it was all over for Preston.

[Image: A cartoon showing people looking at the poster.] The Caption reads: "Pee mud!

Pee mud!"

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Thursday

Well, I found out today that the kind of wrestling Mr. Underwood is teaching is COMPLETELY different from the kind they do on TV.

First of all, we have to wear these things called "singlets," which look like those bathing suits they used to wear in the 1800s.

[Image: A cartoon showing four persons.]

And second of all, there are no pile drivers or hitting people over the heads with chairs or anything like that.

There's not even a ring with ropes around it. It's just basically a sweaty mat that smells like it's never been washed before.

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Mr. Underwood started asking for volunteers so he could demonstrate some wrestling holds, but there was no way I was going to raise my hand.

Me and Rowley tried to hide out in the back of the gym near the curtain, but that's where the girls were doing their gymnastics unit.

[Image: A cartoon showing two boys in a gym.] The Caption reads: " Hee Hee Hee!"

We got out of there in a hurry, and we went back to where the rest of the guys were.

Mr. Underwood singled me out, probably because I'm the lightest kid in the class, and he could toss me around without straining himself. He showed everybody how to do all these things called a "half nelson" and a "reversal" and a "takedown" and stuff like that.

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When he was doing this one move called the "fireman's carry," I felt a breeze down below, and I could tell my singlet wasn't doing a good job keeping me covered up.

That's when I thanked my lucky stars the girls were on the other side of the gym.

[Image: A cartoon showing people in the gym.]

Mr. Underwood divided us up into weight groups. I was pretty happy about that at first, because it meant I wasn't going to have to wrestle kids like Benny Wells, who can bench-press 250 pounds.

[Image: A cartoon showing a man.]

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But then I found out who I DID have to wrestle, and I would have traded for Benny Wells in a heartbeat.

[Image: A cartoon showing a boy ready for wrestling.] The Caption reads: " Greg, you'll be paired up with fregley here."

Fregley was the only kid light enough to be in my weight class. And apparently Fregley was paying attention when Mr. Underwood was giving instructions, because he pinned me every which way you could imagine. I spent my seventh period getting WAY more familiar with Fregley than I ever wanted to be.

[Image: A cartoon showing two boys wrestling.] The Caption reads: "Tweet!"

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Tuesday

This wrestling unit has totally turned our school upside down. Now kids are wrestling in the hallways, in the classrooms, you name it. But the fifteen minutes after lunch where they let us outside is the worst.

You can't walk five feet without tripping over a couple of kids going at it. I just try to keep my distance. And mark my words, one of these fools is going to roll right onto the Cheese and start the Cheese Touch all over again.

[Image: A cartoon showing people doing wrestling in basketball court.]

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My other big problem is that I have to wrestle Fregley every single day. But this morning I realized something. If I can move out of Fregley's weight class, I won't have to wrestle him anymore.

So today, I stuffed my clothes with a bunch of socks and shirts to get myself into the next weight class.

But I was still too light to move up.

[Image: A cartoon showing two boys in the wrestling court.]

I realized I was gonna have to gain weight for real. At first I thought I should just start loading up on junk food, but then I had a much better idea.

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I decided to gain my weight in MUSCLE, not fat.

I've never been all that interested in getting in shape before, but this wrestling unit has made me rethink things.

I figure if I bulk up now, it could actually come in handy down the road.

The football unit is coming in the spring, and they split the teams up into shirts and skins. And I ALWAYS get put on skins.

I think they do that to make all the out-of-shape kids feel ashamed of themselves.

[Image: A cartoon showing children playing football.] The Caption reads: "Unh!"

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If I can pack on some muscle now, it'll be a whole different story next April.

[Image: A cartoon showing a boy looking sad.] The Caption reads: " Greg heffley, you're on skins.

Rrippp"

Tonight, after dinner, I got Mom and Dad together and told them my plan. I told them I was going to need some serious exercise equipment, and some weight-gain powder, too.

I showed them some muscle magazines I got at the store so they could see how ripped I was going to be.

[Image: A cartoon showing a boy showing muscle magazine to his parents.]

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Mom didn't really say anything at first, but Dad was pretty enthusiastic. I think he was just glad I had a change of heart from how I used to be when I was a kid---

[Image: A cartoon showing a boy talking to his father.] The Caption reads: " If you work out regularly, you can get big muscles!

Muscles are Gross!"

But Mom said if I wanted a weight set, I was going to have to prove that I could stick with an exercise regimen. She said I could do that by doing sit-ups and jumping jacks for two weeks.

I had to explain that the only way to get totally bulked up is to get the kind of high-tech machines they have at the gym, but Mom didn't want to hear it.

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Then Dad said if I wanted a bench press, I should keep my fingers crossed for Christmas.

[Image: A cartoon showing a boy talking to his parents.]

But Christmas is a month and a half away. And if I get pinned by Fregley one more time, I'm gonna have a nervous breakdown.

So it looks like Mom and Dad aren't going to be any help. And that means I'm going to have to take matters into my own hands, as usual.

Saturday

I couldn't wait to start my weight-training program today. Even though Mom wouldn't let me get the equipment I needed, I wasn't going to let that hold me back.

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So I went into the fridge and emptied out the milk and orange juice and filled the jugs with sand. Then I taped them to a broomstick, and I had myself a pretty decent barbell.

[Image: barbell.] The Caption reads: " Milk"

After that, I made a bench press out of an ironing board and some boxes. Once I had that all set, I was ready to do some serious lifting.

I needed a spotting partner, so I called Rowley. And when he showed up at my door wearing some ridiculous getup, I knew I made a mistake inviting him.

[Image: A cartoon showing a boy opening a door for another one.]

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I made Rowley use the bench press first, mostly because I wanted to see if the broomstick was going to hold up.

He did about five reps, and he was ready to quit, but I wouldn't let him. That's what a good training partner is for, to push you beyond your limits.

[Image: A cartoon showing boys doing exercise.] The Caption reads: " Fifteen more!

Come on!"

I knew Rowley wasn't going to be as serious about weight lifting as I was, so I decided to try out an experiment to test his dedication.

In the middle of Rowley's set, I went and got this phony nose and mustache Rodrick has in his junk drawer.

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And right when Rowley had the barbell in the "down" position, I leaned over and looked at him.

[Image: A cartoon showing boys doing exercise.] The Caption reads: " Fpoooo!"

Sure enough, Rowley TOTALLY lost his concentration. He couldn't even get the barbell off his chest. I thought about helping him out, but then I realized that if Rowley didn't get serious about working out, he was never going to get to my level.

[Image: A cartoon showing boys doing exercise.] The Caption reads: " Gasp sputter"

I eventually had to rescue him, because he started biting the milk jug to let the sand leak out.

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After Rowley got off the bench press, it was time for my set. But Rowley said he didn't feel like working out anymore, and he went home.

You know, I figured he'd pull something like that. But I guess you can't expect everyone to have the same kind of dedication as you.

Wednesday

Today in Geography we had a quiz, and I have to say, I've been looking forward to this one for a long time.

The quiz was on state capitals, and I sit in the back of the room, right next to this giant map of the United States. All the capitals are written in big red print, so I knew I had this one in the bag.

[Image: A cartoon showing a boy looking at the map.]

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But right before the test got started, Patty Farrell piped up from the front of the room.

[Image: A cartoon showing children appearing for the test.] The Caption reads: " Teacher!

Teacher!"

Patty told Mr. Ira that he should cover up the United States map before we got started.