Determination (40 page)

Brian pulled back just enough to kiss my forehead and whisper against it. “Nothing is going to come between us ever again, Jamie. We aren’t going to let that happen. Whether you’re right in front of me, or on the other end of the phone, you’re always on my mind.” His arms tightened around me, and I really tried to calm, I did, but I couldn’t.

Everyone left me, and Brian would be no exception. One day, he would….

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“Jesus, you’re shaking. Baby, are you okay?”

“I… I didn’t… didn’t take m… my….” The word “meds” refused to come out as the seizure took over. For the last few months, I’d taken my medication like clockwork every single morning, but being with Brian for the weekend, I hadn’t even thought about it until that moment. I’d been so focused on getting through to Brian that nothing else mattered. It was so irresponsible. My whole life had turned into a chaotic mess in the span of ninety-six hours. The hardwood floor slammed into my knees as I went down, a brutal reminder of what was about to happen.

“I’m right here, baby. I’m not leaving,” Brian said as he came down with me, probably more gracefully as I fell to my side like a fish out of water. As my body left my control, I wondered how long that would be true. How long would it take for Brian to get sick of having to take care of me?

“I’m all right,” I said a few minutes later as he helped me sit up.

The pool of vomit on the floor made my stomach lurch, and I tried to wipe the residual mess from my face, but my arm just didn’t work yet.

My father, who had appeared from nowhere, it seemed, handed Brian a warm, wet washcloth. I felt like a baby as he wiped my face. I tried to turn away, but he moved with me. Exhausted and emotionally beyond my limit, I felt tears fall silently down my damp face.

“Shh…,” Brian whispered and pulled my head onto his strong shoulder. I loved his comfort, and for just an instant, I closed my eyes and burrowed in it like a warm blanket. “It’s okay, it’s over now.” I knew he meant the seizure, but that just made the tears fall in earnest.

“I’m going to get him some clothes. There’s a bathroom right down the hall,” Dad said, and I heard him moving toward the stairs, but I didn’t want to open my eyes, not yet.

“Please… I… I know you have stuff to do today, but….” I couldn’t force myself to finish. It sounded so childish. Intellectually, I knew that we were both committed to working on our relationship, but the image of him walking out the door and never coming back just pushed me over the edge emotionally. The lack of sleep coupled with the aftereffects of the seizure weren’t helping either.

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“You want me to stay with you for a while?” Brian asked as he pulled me to my feet. I looked down to see my jeans were soaked through, and the humiliation made the tears come harder. Making him stay just felt so selfish I couldn’t tell him yes.

“Hey,” he said quietly and tilted my face up so my gaze met his.

The concern and love in his expression warmed me all over. “We’re a team, and when I need something, you’ll be there for me.” Then his voice dropped to a conspiratorial whisper as he held me up against his side. “I didn’t want to leave. I was looking for an excuse to stay for a while.” He chuckled. “Though that’s not exactly what I had in mind.”

Half carrying me to the bathroom, Brian helped me pull off my soiled clothes just as Dad knocked. Looking completely awkward at seeing me naked with my boyfriend, he handed Brian sweats, a T-shirt, underwear, and socks through the cracked door while I sponged myself off in the sink. I didn’t have the energy or the strength to take a shower, but I hated the smell on my skin. After I brushed my teeth, I sat on the toilet and Brian knelt on the floor in front of me. He pulled my socks on with such a tender look on his face that I couldn’t bring myself to protest. As he helped me dress, I understood exactly how much he loved me. It wasn’t about spending the weekend in bed or any grandiose romantic gesture, but the little things like soft tender looks or the way he touched me each time I walked past him. Deep in the very core of my being, I knew he needed me like I needed him, and the understanding warmed me from the inside out.

After he’d tugged my briefs up to my knees, I just couldn’t stop myself from leaning forward and capturing his lips in a kiss so full of love my heart nearly burst from it. Kneeling up, he kissed me back and wound his arms around me. Safety the likes of which I’d not felt in months surrounded me, and I pressed my forehead to his when the kiss ended.

“I love you,” he whispered in the bathroom’s thick stillness. My father hadn’t returned after bringing the clothes, and I wondered if maybe he wanted to give Brian the chance to care for me the way he normally would have or if he was just afraid of what he might walk in on.

“I love you, Brian, so much.”

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“Let me finish helping you dress, and then we can curl up on the couch and watch a movie,” he murmured against my neck as he kissed it gently.

“Thank you.” I hated feeling so needy, but right then I did need him. Vulnerable, exhausted, and insecure about our relationship, I was almost desperate for his comfort. Brian didn’t need to help me into the family room, but he kept his arm around me anyway as we walked down the narrow hallway. The heat of his body warmed me like a ray of sunshine on a winter’s day.

“Pick out anything. I don’t care,” I said, gesturing to the shelving unit of DVDs that sat against the wall under our flat-panel television.

The smell of bread wafted through from the kitchen, making me slightly nauseated. Looking across the breakfast bar into the room, I saw my dad kneading dough. My nerves stretched beyond the breaking point, I felt my eyes well with tears, and I looked away. It had been years since I’d seen my father making homemade pizza. Always a treat back before our lives were ripped apart, the reminder brought a lump to my throat. We could have been back in Alabama like nothing happened, except my body still quivered slightly from the seizure, and I really wanted a drink.

I curled up like a cat on the couch and waited as Brian dropped a DVD into the player. He grabbed the two remotes from a table near me and sat right next to me. I didn’t hesitate when he opened his arms, and I rested my head against his chest. It was my very favorite place on earth to be, curled up in his arms listening to his heartbeat. I liked it more when my cheek rested against his bare skin, the fine hairs tickling my cheek, but the safety and security weren’t impeded by the material.

He kissed my hair as he started the movie, and I was asleep before the opening credits rolled.

A POUNDING on the door the next morning woke the entire house.

Brian and I, naked from our previous night’s lovemaking, got up quickly and dressed. Shouting from downstairs scared me, and Brian Determination

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stood in front of me on instinct when my bedroom door flew open and two armed police officers stepped into the room.

“James Daryl Mayfield, you are under arrest for possession of a controlled substance. You have the right to remain silent…,” the man in uniform recited from memory as his partner pulled me forward and spun me so he could cuff my hands behind my back.

“Jamie, it’s going to be okay,” my dad cried over the cop’s monotonous warnings. “Your lawyer will meet us at the police station.”

I looked over at Brian, ashamed he had to witness my arrest, but he was putting his cell phone up to his ear.

“Nick, it’s Brian. I need a favor…,” he said quietly into the phone and stepped away near the windows.

“What about his medication?” my father asked the two police officers as they started to herd me toward my bedroom door. My feet felt like lead. I was so scared. I had no idea what to do aside from letting them lead me where they wanted me to go. I didn’t even think of resisting.

“Bring it down to the station with you, and we’ll make sure that he’s provided adequate medication,” the officer said and pulled on my arm to make me walk toward the door. They helped me slowly down the stairs because I couldn’t put my arms out if I fell. My father followed right behind, and I could hear Brian just behind him. He’d finished his call and followed my father right to his car to come to the police station.

I hung my head as they put me in the car and wondered what my father’s neighbors must think, both of him and of me. I hated that my father had to lose face in front of everyone like that, but it didn’t seem to faze him. His only concern at that moment was me. I felt a mixture of love, nausea, and fear as the police car pulled away from the curb.

Once at the police station, they pulled me through booking and took my fingerprints and picture. Since they’d practically dragged me out of bed, I could only wonder what I looked like as the camera flashed. Each cop seemed to be ruder than the last until finally, they pushed me into a holding cell and slammed the door behind me. The 264

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finality of that loud clang as the door locked sent a shiver down my spine.

I wondered if I would ever be free again.

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Twenty-Two

SHADOWS spilled through the bars from the unforgiving fluorescent lights hanging carelessly just outside my cage. Sleep found me off and on, but with no windows and no clocks in my line of vision, I had no idea how much of the night remained. The worn mattress under me allowed me to become intimately acquainted with the springs in the frame beneath it, and the pillow smelled of something unwashed and slightly sick.

Visions of Brian’s shocked and scared face plagued me every time I tried to close my eyes. I couldn’t stand the thought that he would change his mind about being with me. Since he had gotten into my dad’s car and ridden to the police station with him, I had to think he’d stick things out. If I went to jail for years, though, I couldn’t ask him to wait for me. I’d already screwed up his life so much.

“James Mayfield, step forward please,” the stern voice commanded, and I went to the door of the common cell. Another guy had been brought in later in the afternoon, obviously drunk off his ass—he was still sleeping it off on a bunk in the corner.

“I’ve… I’ve never done this before. Can you tell me what’s happening, please?” I asked the younger-looking cop.

He looked around quickly before answering. “I’m going to take you for breakfast, get you your meds, and then you’re probably going for arraignment in this morning’s batch of fish, I mean prisoners, over at the district county courthouse. You must have a friend somewhere.

Normally it wouldn’t go so fast. What are you up for?”

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“They said possession of a controlled substance,” I murmured, unable to believe I had to say the words out loud. I hadn’t even seen a drug since leaving Steven’s apartment that night. There was no way they could have found anything at my dad’s house because there was nothing to find. Though at that moment, I’d have gladly given my right arm for something to take the edge off before I went out to court.

“No intent to sell? Been in trouble before?” he asked rapidly as he pulled me out of the cell and started walking me down the corridor.

“No, they didn’t say those words, and I’ve never been in trouble with the police,” I assured him.

“If you can put up bail, you’ll probably be out this afternoon. I mean, don’t quote me on that, but it’s usually what happens.”

Breakfast consisted of gruel-like oatmeal and a cup of coffee that might have been there since the Bush administration—the first Bush administration. I ate and drank as much as I could because if I took my meds on an empty stomach, they would make me sick. Going to face a judge, I really needed to take my meds because I couldn’t afford to have a seizure in the middle of court. The lack of sleep already had my hands shaking.

My lawyer waited for me as I entered the courtroom nearly two hours later. He was dressed in an expensive suit and did not look up from the legal pad he wrote on as I approached. I checked the spectator area of the courtroom for my dad and saw him sitting just behind my lawyer. My heart leapt as Brian gave me a half wave from beside him.

Alex and Mike sat on the other side of Brian, and they all waited for the proceedings to start and the judge to decide what would happen to me.

I dropped down into the chair next to my lawyer, and finally, he looked up from his paper.

“Hi, Jamie. This is an arraignment, so all that’s going to happen is that the judge is going to set a trial date and determine your bail. I’m guessing your father will post it right after we get out of here, and you can go home. I’m going to work with the DA to see if we can’t work out some kind of plea. I doubt it’s going to be a problem since you’ve never been in trouble before. But according to the indictment, they have you dead to rights on possession from the coke in Steven O’Dell’s Determination

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apartment the night he died. My guess is that they couldn’t get you for murder, so they’re settling for possession because it took place in a high-profile apartment building and the residents want to feel safe and protected. So just politely answer the judge’s questions and let’s get you the hell out of here. Okay?” I nodded just as one of the court officers called the room to order.