Determination (38 page)

Jamie Mayfield

it. I was just finishing some of the minor detailing on Steven’s apartment when my cell phone rang.

“Hey, Alex,” I said with as much enthusiasm as I could find. We had spoken only once over the last week because I didn’t want to rehash the words Brian had said to me. I put my stack of papers to the side, lay back against the pillow, and closed my eyes. Overwhelmed by the flood of emotions still raging in my heart, I couldn’t even come up with a plausible reason to get off the phone.

“I’m picking you up in an hour,” he said with an enigmatic smirk in his voice. I tried to protest, but the line went dead. Not only was he being a complete dick by telling me rather than asking me, but he didn’t even give me the opportunity to say no. I went into my recent calls and clicked his name to call him back, but he didn’t answer.

So I sent him a text telling him I wasn’t going anywhere, but never got a response.

Irritated beyond words, I stomped into the bathroom to take a shower. My father and I had recently decided, after a loud yelling match, that my meds were sufficiently controlling my seizures to the point where I could bathe without a chaperone, at least at home. It made me feel a little more like a man.

I was fuming by the time Alex knocked on my door.

“Where do you get off telling me what I’m going to be doing tonight?” I asked as a greeting when I opened the door. He stepped back, and I registered the hurt in his face but just pushed past him and slammed the door. I walked to the Jeep without waiting to see if he was behind me. Flinging myself into the passenger seat, I shoved my seat belt into place and scrunched down in the seat, sulking. He didn’t say anything when he got in. In his normal, gentle way, he turned the ignition and backed out of the drive.

“Can I even ask where we’re going?” Petulance lined each word, and it took him a moment before he answered.

“We’re going to the boardinghouse. Leo needs help,” he said quietly as he pulled onto the highway.

Leo? Why would Leo need help?

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“You mean he’s in trouble?” I asked, too surprised to remember to be belligerent.

“Yes,” he said but didn’t elaborate. The fight went out of me then, and I just stared out the plastic, duct-taped window. Leo had done so much to help me. He’d risked his life to get me away from Steven and tried to help me through my withdrawal. I owed it to him to help with whatever he needed, so I didn’t argue. In fact, we didn’t speak for the rest of the ride.

Only a few cars sat in the parking lot when we pulled up to the house, and I had to wonder if Brian waited for me upstairs. If Leo needed help, then Brian would surely pitch in. He cared about Leo just as much as the rest of us did.

“Okay, everyone in the office,” Leo said as we came in through the door leading from the first floor. Mike pushed Brian ahead of him, and I walked with Alex to the tiny, cramped office. Mike and Alex followed us, but Leo stood just outside the door because the small space was full of bodies. Brian sat down behind the desk, and I sat on top it waiting for Leo to begin. All at once, he pulled Alex’s arm. Alex and Mike scurried from the room, and Leo slammed the door, leaving Brian and me sitting in wonder at the desk.

“You can come out when you stop this and at least agree to be friends,” Leo yelled through the closed door. Brian jumped up from behind the old desk and tried the knob. Of course, it was locked from the outside.

“Damn it,” he muttered and began to pace in front of the desk.

Knowing Brian had never liked being trapped in small spaces, I reached out and took his hand, surprised when he let me.

“It’s okay. They can’t leave us in here forever. We have to eat and work and go to school. Just stay calm and they’ll eventually get bored,” I told him, and he squeezed my hand. I wasn’t sure if the gesture was conscious, or if he was just looking for comfort, but I took the opportunity to be close to him and didn’t let go.

“I know… I just… I hate this,” he said and sat down on the desk beside me, not letting go of my hand.

“I remember, but it’s not a close space. It’s just an office.”

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“No, I didn’t mean being in here,” he said, and for the first time since we walked into the room, Brian looked into my face. “I mean with you.” My heart broke utterly. I never thought Brian could be so cruel. The disbelieving tears slid down my face, and he had the nerve to look startled by them.

“Jamie?”

“How could you say that to me? That you hate being in here with me? After everything you said to me the last time I was here. You hate me. I get that. I won’t bother you again, but you don’t have to be cruel about it. I’ve worked too hard to pull myself out of the gutter to listen to you talk to me like that.” I stood up and began to walk to the door.

I’d beat the thing down if I had to, but I was done with him.

“No, Jamie. Oh Jesus, that’s not what I meant.” Brian pulled on my hand, and I turned around but kept my eyes on the floor. “I meant I hate what’s happened between us. I hate myself for what I said to you. I was so hurt and angry.” His voice dropped to a whisper. “I didn’t mean it, Jamie.”

“It hurt so much. I thought you hated me.”

“I could never hate you,” he whispered. His eyes and his voice were incredibly soft. I took my chance, knowing that I only had one, and leaned forward. My heart raced as time seemed to stop all around us in the stifling little room. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t think—

nothing mattered except Brian and how devastated I would be if he pushed me away. But I needed to try, one more time, just to know I’d done everything I could. I had to feel his lips against mine even if it destroyed me.

He met me halfway, and when his lips touched mine, I was so overwhelmed by the feeling of coming home I nearly sobbed with the joy of it. Suddenly, he crushed me in his arms and deepened the kiss, knocking our teeth together in the effort. Muffled whimpers met my lips as his hands cupped my cheek and mine pulled him closer. There was no sound, only our shallow, excited breaths, and I felt wetness on my face but couldn’t be bothered to figure out if the tears were mine or his. The only thing that mattered was that finally, after months of loneliness and waiting, Brian was in my arms.

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“I’ve loved you my whole life. I don’t… I didn’t give up on you.

I lost faith in my ability to help you. If I couldn’t help you, I didn’t want to hurt you. We just needed time. We both did,” he reasoned, and I nodded. If Brian had stayed, I’d never have learned to stand on my own two feet. I would never have been an equal for him, just someone he needed to take care of.

“Where do we go from here?” I asked as I wrapped my arms around his waist, because I couldn’t stand the thought of not touching him. He smiled, that sweet little wicked smile I loved so much.

“Let’s go upstairs and talk,” Brian whispered. I moved back a bit so he could stand, and then he pulled me to my feet. He banged on the door, but no one answered.

“If you don’t let us out, Leo, we’re going to do it on your desk,”

Brian called through the wood and laughed, a wonderfully delighted sound, when he heard a key in the lock. Brian led me to the stairs. He didn’t acknowledge Mike or Alex, who clapped him on the back. All his attention focused on me, and quietly, he led me to his room on the third floor. With a locked door between us and the rest of the world, Brian took my face in his hands and tenderly stroked my cheek with his thumb.

“I’ve missed you so much. Please, let me take you to bed, and then I promise, we’ll spend the rest of the night talking,” he murmured against the bare skin of my neck, “and kissing,” he said, dragging his lips against my throat, “and making love.” I moaned as I broke the kiss for a few seconds to pull his T-shirt over his head, trying not to stare at the ugly scar on his chest from where Steven had shot him. My heart ached to see it because it was a constant reminder of the pain I had caused.

Everything else came off in short succession: jeans, briefs, even our socks. I’d been dreaming about my naked skin against his for months, but nothing came close to the reality as he laid me naked against his blankets.

The tears started before I could stop them.

“I missed you so much, Brian,” I whispered into his hair as he nuzzled against my neck. As he lay down with me, he entwined his legs 250

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with mine, and I pulled him down for another kiss. He stroked away my tears with his thumb and kissed my forehead, then my cheek, and finally, again, my lips.

“I missed you. It hurt more every single day to be away from you, but I just… I couldn’t find my way back. Alex let me know all the time how you were doing. I’m so proud of you, Jamie,” he said as he pressed his forehead against mine. “And I’m sorry it took me so long…. You are everything to me.
Everything.
” I cradled his face in my hands and stroked his cheek with my thumb. Pushing away my initial reply about how proud he was about me being a recovering addict, I held his gaze.

“I love you.”

“Oh God, Jamie, I love you too, so much.” His soft cry became punctuated by small, tender kisses. “Make love to me,” he whispered against my ear. I froze, and he must have felt my hesitation. “I… I know I’m still in the industry, but I’m clean. I have condoms, and I get tested every—”

“That’s not… that’s not it,” I said, and he pulled back a little to see my face. “I haven’t even jacked off since the last time we were together. With the seizures, I… I’ve been scared to,” I admitted and looked over his shoulder at the bookcase that sat opposite the bed. It killed me that our beautiful, tender moment had become awkward. “I want to. I just… what happens if I have a seizure while we’re…?”

“While we’re making love?” he finished, and I nodded. “Then we stop, and I stay with you until it’s over. I’ve spent a lot of time reading about epilepsy and seizures, and I know what to do.” I looked at him for a long time. He’d been researching seizures, so he must have known he’d come back to me eventually. It seemed my Brian had never really left me—he just lost his way for a little while.

“I don’t have them often anymore, not with the meds.”

“If it happens, wherever we are, whatever we’re doing, I’ll take care of you, Jamie. I’ll always take care of you. Though, I’ll admit, I’ve done a piss-poor job of that the last few months.” His face clouded, reminding me of the sky on the cusp of a summer storm.

“Yeah, but I lose control of everything, Brian. Afterward, I’m usually covered in piss and vomit, crying. It’s not pretty,” I explained Determination

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as my face heated. I didn’t like talking about it, but they were things he needed to know.

“What if it were me?”

“What do you mean?” I asked. “What if what were you?”

His eyes were soft as he looked at me. “What if I were the one who had a seizure?” he asked again, and I thought about his question. If it were Brian having seizures, it would break my heart. I’d do whatever I could to take care of him.

“I’d take care of you.” Then it occurred to me why he’d asked. If it were him, I’d take care of him without hesitation—just like he would do for me. It still humiliated me to think he might have to clean up my vomit, or help me change his piss-soaked sheets, but I wanted to take the chance. I wanted to be with him. I had learned to deal with my dad helping me. I’d learn to deal with Brian helping me. My pulse raced, and I felt a little dizzy as I prepared myself for what we were about to do.

My slow nod turned into a deep kiss as he claimed my mouth with his. God, I loved the way his lips mastered mine as he took what he wanted from me. A warm glow filled my chest, competing with the butterflies in my stomach. Even after all that time, I still felt butterflies when he kissed me. My head pressed into the pillow from the force of his lips on mine, but it felt more comforting than confining, like balance and peace. My arms encircled his shoulders, holding him close to me almost as if I were afraid he would disappear if I didn’t hold on tight enough. I kept losing him over and over, and I couldn’t stand the thought of it happening again.

His soft, sun-kissed caramel curls wrapped themselves around my fingers as he devoured me like a starving man. I could understand exactly how he felt because I was just as hungry for him. Fate had denied us for so long. I needed him just as much as he needed me. I couldn’t even describe how incredible it felt for him to want me, like coming out of a freezing lake into the warm glow of the sun.

The low moan that resonated in the back of my throat nearly drowned out the quiet whisper of sheets as he moved down, his tender lips covering my skin in pure joy.

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Afterward, we laid close and quiet for so long I would have thought he’d fallen asleep if it weren’t for the constant motion of his fingers on my chest.

“What made you decide to come over that night?” Brian whispered against my chest, almost as if he were afraid he would wake up from the dream if he spoke too loudly. I kissed his damp forehead and held him closer.

“Em tried to get me to come home with him, and something about our conversation reminded me how hard you had fought for me, even against me sometimes, and I realized I needed to fight against you if I wanted to get you back. So I asked Mike and Alex to bring me here so I could at least talk to you, because you never answered any of my e-mails or texts.” I could hear the hurt in my voice, but I tried to mask it with another kiss on the top of his head.

“I read them over and over,” he admitted. “I must have listened to those two voice mails a hundred times just to hear your voice. At first, every time I thought about you, all I could see was what O’Dell had described in that alley. I couldn’t stand it. It wasn’t even that it was sexual, but because you were so desperate that you’d do that rather than talk to me about it.”

“Brian, I….”

“Please, just let me finish,” he whispered. “After I got over the hurt and shock of it, I wanted to stop by your house and just talk to you.

I wanted to call you. I wanted to text you, just something to start us going back in that same direction. But then Mike said that you’d started college, and Alex talked about how well you were doing, and I didn’t want to disrupt that. As much as I wanted you, needed you, I also wanted you to succeed and be happy. You’d been struggling for so long.”