Determination (37 page)

Mike chuckled just behind my ear and then leaned in close to Em, almost as if he didn’t want me to hear him. We’d been at the club for about an hour, and the lights hadn’t bothered me, though they weren’t pulsing as I’d expected. They were moving, but not flashing. I saw Brandon and his wife dancing with some hot little twink over to my left, but I hadn’t seen anyone else in a while. Alex seemed to have disappeared on his way back from the bathroom.

“Yeah, but I don’t think it’s anything Jamie wants to hear, Em,”

Mike said just above the volume of the music. I looked between them as the song changed to a hot Latin beat. Emilio spun me between them so I faced Mike and his lips were at my ear. The smell of tequila hung on his breath as he continued to tell his sordid tale.

“We were in San Francisco. It was just after we told him we were in porn but before he got into it himself. He was upset, maybe because of what we told him or because he thought he was going to have to go back to Alabama. Anyway, he’d been drinking and we had him between us just like this.” He ground his hard body against me through our thin layers of jeans. I couldn’t deny I liked the way it felt. My last 240

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orgasm felt like a lifetime ago, but I didn’t want to think about them rubbing off on Brian. “We rubbed his body with ours, grinding against him until he came right in the middle of the dance floor. It was the hottest thing I’ve ever seen. Are you hard, Jamie?” I looked around again and tried to find Alex but didn’t see him. The awkward conversation hurt somewhere deep in my soul because I remembered being that free with Brian.

“Em…,” Mike said firmly, but Emilio ignored him.

“How long has it been since you’ve had wicked hot sex, Jamie?”

Em continued, his soft, melodious accent making the words sound like music. I wish I could blame alcohol or drugs for the rush of blood down south as he spoke, but I hadn’t had anything. My attraction for Em caused every bit of it. Everything in me wanted to just say if Brian didn’t want me, I should try to find something with Em, but I hadn’t made that leap. I couldn’t make myself do it. “How long since you’ve come on something other than your own hand?” My face heated so quickly, I wondered if it glowed, and I looked away. They didn’t need to know I hadn’t even had that.

“Em, for God’s sake,” Mike said and tried to pull me away, but Emilio held fast. I closed my eyes against the low light and tried to get a handle on the arousal, adrenaline, and embarrassment warring with each other in my head. I didn’t want to talk about my lack of a sex life with him. In that moment, I just wanted to get away.

“Honey, why are you embarrassed?” Em asked quietly as he stroked the back of my neck with his fingers. “Wait, Jamie….” I pulled out of his arms and strode over to one of the booths off to the side.

Mike tried to follow, but I think he lost us in the crowd because all of a sudden, he wasn’t there. When I sat down in one of the dark corners, Em slid in next to me.

“Em, I don’t want to talk about it,” I told him in the sternest voice I could muster. No one needed to know I was afraid if I jacked off it could trigger a seizure. I didn’t want my dad to come in to help and find me like that. The thought of what could happen physically with seizing muscles during something like that scared me.

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“Baby, you can tell me,” he said with a sigh. His quiet compassion, his soft touch against the back of my neck, even his eager affection helped comfort and relax me.

It took me several minutes, but finally, I whispered my secret in his ear above the din of the club. He looked down at the table for a minute, and I thought maybe he did so in order to gather his thoughts.

He was quiet for a long time, his fingers rubbing absently at the tabletop. Then he looked up into my eyes, and I didn’t really expect what came next.

“I’m diabetic. Only a few of the guys know because it’s something I don’t really talk about. Before I got things regulated better, my sugar bottomed out one day and I had a seizure. I know how terrifying they are. I’d never had one before, and I haven’t had one since, but once was enough.” He reached over and held my hand. “I can’t imagine what it’s like to be scared that it will happen all the time.

Is that why you don’t…?”

I nodded, not meeting his eyes. “I’d be mortified,” I whispered, not sure if he could even hear me above the music. It didn’t matter, he pulled me close in the tight booth, and I rested my head on his shoulder. I don’t know what prompted Em to tell me his secret, but it was so nice not to feel so alone.

“Okay, baby, we don’t have to talk about it,” Em breathed into my hair as his hand rubbed circles on my back. We sat like that for several minutes, watching Mike and Alex sneak worried glances at us from the dance floor every few minutes.

“I’ve never told anyone that,” I admitted and Em squeezed me closer to him for just a second. I loved and hated the way it felt. The comfort and friendship I got from it was almost overshadowed by the heartache of it not being Brian. Pulling back just a bit, I looked up into Em’s face, and he smiled. It reminded me of the sun coming out on a cloudy day.

“You know, it
is
my birthday…,” he said with a small smirk, and I cocked my head to one side in question, my brow furrowed. “Can I have a kiss?” The request was so small and quiet, I was surprised I heard it over the music. He became shy, probably shyer than I had ever seen Em before, and looked down at my shirt. Without thinking, I 242

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grabbed the back of his head and pulled him forward. Our lips met in a soft, warm clash with the faint taste of the margaritas he’d had earlier.

Tentatively, his tongue touched mine, igniting a fire in my stomach and bringing back the erection I thought I’d lost on the dance floor. Because of the music, I felt his moan against my lips, but I didn’t hear it. He lifted the light material of my T-shirt and traced his fingers over my abs. “Come home with me,” he whispered against my cheek as we broke the kiss. Temptation from his offer overwhelmed me. His fingers slid gently over my spine, just above the waist of my jeans. The idea spun around and around in my head, making me dizzy. It had been months since anyone had touched me, and God, I wanted what he offered. I wanted to leave the pain and hurt of Brian’s indifference behind me. I wanted to lose myself in someone else and escape the constant rejection. I wanted to make love without having to think about how lonely I felt. But I couldn’t. My heart broke at the thought of being with someone else, and I wondered for a moment if that was how Brian felt after I left for California. I thought about how he must have felt: deserted, devastated, and alone, just like I felt right then. Brian didn’t just give up on me, though; he fought for me. He fought every minute of every day. He even fought against me when he needed to.

Suddenly, everything became very clear.

If I wanted Brian, I had to fight for him—even if that meant fighting against him.

“Em, I really like you. You’re one of my closest friends, but I’m in love with Brian. That isn’t going to just go away, honey. He and I have been through hell and back in the last few years, and I have faith in him. Once he figures it out, we’re going to be okay. I know that you like me, and I’m sorry, but I can’t give you what you want.” Hugging him close, I tried to kiss his temple, but he pushed me away. My back hit the wall and the table jabbed my side painfully. Em’s look, even in the dark, was pure anger as he climbed out of the booth and left me to stare after him. I hated that I had to hurt him, but I knew what I had to do. Sliding out of the booth, I went to find Mike and Alex. It didn’t take long to convince them to take me to the boardinghouse. It was time to talk to Brian, and for once, he was going to listen.

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Striding purposefully through the front door of the first floor bathhouse, I ignored the sound of two guys getting it on somewhere to my right and headed directly for the end of the hallway. Mike and Alex struggled to keep up with me as I took the stairs two at a time and burst through the door to the common room on the second floor. In my brief stay at the house, I’d only been in there a handful of times, but the mismatched furniture and pool table were still in the same place they’d been just a couple of months before. Brian looked up from the battered couch. His eyes widened in surprise as he jerked up into a sitting position. My heart broke to see how much weight he’d lost, how shadowed his eyes were, and most of all how upset he seemed to see me. The stubble on his cheek and the way his hair stuck out at odd angles made him look unkempt and disheveled. I wanted to pull him into my arms and not let go until he needed me again.

“Jamie, what?” Brian asked, but I didn’t stop moving until I dropped to my knees in front of the couch so our eyes were level.

Surprised but resigned, his tired eyes met mine, and he didn’t flinch away when I reached for his face. Stroking the stubble, something I’m not sure I’d ever seen Brian with, I pushed his hair back from his eyes.

“I’m done with letters and e-mail and texts. I’ve had Dad and our friends, but my whole life, I’ve never loved anyone the way I love you.

For so long, you fought for me. You left home and found a whole new life just to be close to me. You saved me, in every way I could be saved. But… somewhere along the way, you gave up on me, Brian. I went too far and did something you couldn’t forgive. When I found out you’d been sleeping with Mike and Emilio, I made peace with that.

You have sex with guys every week as part of your job, but I can live with that too. I want you to know that I’m fighting for you, for us, every minute of every day. Since I got out of rehab, every time I push away that need to get high, every time I show up for class even when I hate going, every time I take my meds, I’m fighting for us. You are
everything
to me, Brian, and I am not going to give up on us—
ever
. I know you don’t want to talk to me right now, and that’s fine, but even if you sit here and tell me you hate me, I—”

“I don’t hate you, Jamie,” he murmured to the floor. “I’m afraid of you.”

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“Afraid of me? Brian, I would never hurt you,” I cried and tried to tilt his face up so he would look at me, but he stood up and moved away. My heart stuttered at the pain in his face. He walked back and forth across the threadbare rug. It seemed as though he were trying to frame exactly what he wanted to say. I don’t think we’d had a more important conversation. It felt like our relationship depended on the answer to that question.

“You would, and you have, over and over,” he whispered. “Every single time I even dared to hope we could make it, something took it away—O’Dell, Mike, the industry, the abuse, the addiction. We never had a chance.” Brian still hadn’t looked at me. If I could just get him to see how much I meant it, how much I needed him, how much we needed each other.

“Brian, look at me,” I told him, ignoring everyone else in the room. Mike and Alex were completely silent, just watching our exchange.

“No,” he said turning for the stairs that led up to the third floor.

Redoubling my resolve, I beat him to the door and stood between him and his escape. He tried to push me out of the way, but I was bigger and far more determined.

“Why won’t you stay down here and talk to me? I love you, Brian. I miss you. I just want to talk.”

“More than you want the drugs?” The low, almost deadly note in his voice stopped me. I’d never heard him sound so cold, especially not toward me. He finally looked up to meet my eyes, and the sadness in them staggered me. “You remember how my parents died?”

My parents were murdered by a junkie looking to score. He
wanted drugs so he took away my whole life. I’d never do drugs, not in
a million years.
I could still hear the words ringing in my head. In the intervening years, I’d forgotten somehow, maybe because I couldn’t stand to be a constant reminder of his childhood pain.

“What happens when you’re looking to score, Jamie? You’ve already shown that you’ll do anything it takes, including blowing some filthy dealer in an alley,” Brian spat at me, and the venom in his words felt like acid on my heart. I couldn’t stand the hatred in his voice, so I Determination

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backed away from the door. He didn’t move at first, turning to look at Mike and Alex like they had betrayed him by bringing me there. After a moment, he found himself again and stomped through the door. I heard his feet on each stair, a staccato beat speeding up as he ran.

“Jamie,” Alex said quietly and tried to put his arms around me, but I didn’t want to be touched. I didn’t deserve his comfort. I didn’t want it. All I wanted was for Brian to come back down those stairs and take it all back. But, he couldn’t. How could he think that I’d murder someone for drugs? I’d been through hell and back in rehab.

“Can you guys take me home?” I asked as my body deflated like an old balloon. Grabbing my knees, I bent over and tried to contain the devastating heartbreak in my chest. Brian didn’t want me. He thought I was a junkie and a whore. I found it ironic that, when I was actually both, he’d loved me.

“Yeah, baby. I’ll take you,” Alex said and then said something quietly to Mike I didn’t even bother to try to hear. Mike put a hand on my shoulder and squeezed as he walked past, headed for the door Brian had just fled through.

THE next week was the worst of my life.

Everyone called—from Mike and Alex to Katie and Christian—

but I didn’t want to talk to any of them. I knew I should talk to Christian. I’m sure he had a cure for my devastation, but instead I chose to wallow in it like a familiar blanket, nestled in the pain. My dad tried to engage me a few times as well, but I dodged his efforts just as efficiently. I thought about Brian when I went to class, when I did my homework, when I went to my Narcotics Anonymous meeting, when I closed my eyes in the shower—everything I did just circled right back to him and his horrible accusations.

While I failed a test on Shakespearean translations, I got great praise on an introspective piece I wrote about being trapped in a situation you can’t escape. My prof said I should flesh it out into a short story or even a magazine article and try to have it published. So I printed it out and spent my Saturday night looking for ways to extend 246