Determination (43 page)

“I did. My apple hung out with a bunch of other fruits,” I told her with a deadpan expression. Her eyes widened, and then she giggled.

Greg looked over and asked her what was so funny, but she couldn’t catch her breath enough to tell him before Dr. Stewart came in and started class.

Both my classes were relatively boring. Dr. Platt spent his entire lecture hour debating whether Macbeth was a victim or a villain, and I was honestly thrilled to get out. Brian’s face lit up when he saw me, even from the ten-car distance he was from the door. Practically Determination

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running to his Jeep, I tossed my bag behind the seat and jumped in through the passenger door. Leaning over before he had a chance to put the car into gear, I kissed him slowly but thoroughly.

“Mmm…. What was that for?” Brian asked and swept his fingers down my jaw. He kissed me once more before putting the Jeep into reverse and backing out of the space.

“I’m happy to see you,” I said simply and put my hand over his on the gearshift. He smiled and, not moving my hand, put the Jeep into drive. Turning right as we left the parking lot, he drove in the direction of Hartley’s studio, which I guessed would soon be his studio.

“The guy’s name is Drake,” Brian said, and I looked at him blankly. I could feel the confusion in my features. “The guy I’m shooting with today. You made fun of me for not knowing what his name was,” he clarified. It took me a minute, but I did remember the conversation from earlier in the day.

“Is he new? I don’t think I remember a guy named ‘Drake’.” My short-term memory sucked, but longer-term stuff usually came back right away.

“I think so. I’ve never heard of him. Nick picked him up. I just hope he brings his ID. I can’t eat until after the shoot, and I’m starving,” Brian growled as he turned onto the highway.

It didn’t take long to get from the college to the studio, and we spent most of the drive singing along with the radio. Brian had a great voice, though he rarely sang outside the shower. I loved how easily we could be together. If I didn’t have the threat of prison hanging over my head, I’d have been really happy just riding in the car with him.

We pulled up into the driveway behind Mike’s black Jeep. The last time I’d been here, I was barely conscious. Mike, Alex, Brian, and the other guys had tried to rescue me from Steven. They would have succeeded, too, had it not been for my stupidity. The house looked exactly the same.

“Brian, how do you shoot with… with the scar on your chest?” I asked quietly as he unbuckled his seat belt. Brian moved his arm to rest on the seat behind me and played with the curls at the nape of my neck, in no apparent hurry to get out of the Jeep.

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“Alex covers it up with makeup. It’s not perfect, but we’re not exactly doing Renaissance Art here. It’s porn,” he said with a shrug.

“By reading the forums and stuff, I’ve figured out that we really don’t exist above the waist anyway. All the fans really care about is ass and cock. I haven’t even seen any chatter about it online.”

“Does it hurt?” I remembered how that makeup used to sting when Alex put it over the cuts and bruises Steven used to give me. A flicker of fear—brief, powerful, and irrational—hit me as I thought of Steven and how he used to bring me to the studio battered, bruised, and broken. The steady thrum of my heart kept time with the constant reminder in my head.
I’m going to prison.
Or equally as disturbing,
The
police are watching
. I was really sick of being scared.

“Nah, it did kind of at first, but not so much anymore. I don’t shoot scenes often enough for it to be much of an issue anyway. I think I’m down to like once a month. Come on, let’s go see Mike and Alex,”

Brian said as he gripped the back of my neck and pulled me forward for a short, chaste kiss.

We stepped out of the Jeep, and Brian reached for my hand as we walked up to the house. The door opened, and Alex bounded out before we ever reached the porch. He threw his arms around Brian and me simultaneously, like he hadn’t just seen us the week before at the boardinghouse.

“I’m happy to see you guys together and happy,” he whispered in my ear, and Brian kissed him on the cheek. Mike stood in the doorway as we approached, and I got an overwhelming sense of family. Of course, my father was the only blood relation I had in my life, but these guys were my real family.

“The new guy isn’t here yet, but Nick and Julio set up in the living room so that’s all set. The schedule says you and that guy first, and then me, Alex, and Brandon,” Mike said as we walked into the living room. Lights were set up on either side of the couch, and the glass had been taken out of all the pictures so they wouldn’t reflect light. The curtains had been pulled together and pinned closed so there would be no glare in the camera, because the windows in the room faced west, and the sun would be setting before they finished.

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“Okay, Alex, can you take care of my chest real quick after I clean up?” Brian asked as Alex followed him up the stairs. If Brian was going to clean up, he must be on the schedule as a bottom. Nick always kept extra disposable enema bulbs in the upstairs bathroom for models to use before a scene.

Not long after Alex and Brian disappeared upstairs, Brandon came striding through the door. His blond hair, lighter after a summer in the sun, clung to the back of his neck with sweat. Catching my eye as he walked into the room, he gave me a one-armed hug and slapped me on the back in true straight-boy style.

“How are you doing, kid? I wanted to say hi that night we all went to Rich’s for Em’s birthday, but you took off like a bat out of hell,” he said with one raised eyebrow. I hugged him back tightly because I liked Brandon. He might not have stood up for me against Steven, but he had a wife and kids to protect. I always understood that.

Steven was a nightmare.

“I’m okay. Started college a couple months back, in rehab, and doing as well as can be expected. How are you?” I asked, more out of politeness than a real need to know.

“Same shiz, different day,” he remarked with a small smirk.

“Gonna have a good time today pounding little Tyler.” It reminded me that all the guys called each other by their porn names, even if they hung out outside of the studio. It just made things easier.

I heard the door open behind me and turned to see who else had arrived. A huge guy, maybe six foot five with a mass of brown curls, stood in the foyer. Mike and Brandon both turned to look and seemed a little awed by the man. His well-defined chest, clearly visible beneath a tight white T-shirt, seemed to move into hard abs and legs. I wasn’t sure what the other guys thought, but his face left a bit to be desired.

Plain, and almost unattractive, his obvious draw was his sheer size.

“Hey, it’s about time you showed up,” Nick said as he came in from the door leading to the deck out back. “You brought your ID and you’re ready to go?” That’s one of the things I always liked about Nick: he kept it straight and to the point. His motto was always “Let’s do our jobs and get the hell out.” I respected that.

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“Sorry, traffic coming in from LA sucked, and your directions sucked,” the guy said and tossed a small duffel onto one of the couches.

“I brought two changes of clothes if you don’t like this.”

“It’s fine. Toss your bag in the kitchen. We’re going to be shooting in here as soon as Scott is ready.” His eyes raked my body, and then Nick smiled sheepishly and added, “It’s good to see you, Dylan.”

“Thanks, Nick,” I replied with a slight grin. I always liked to know that guys appreciated my body, especially Brian, but I’d take what I could get.

“We have room for another guy if you want to play today,” Nick offered and raised one eyebrow. The look felt like more of a leer than curiosity.

“Nope, my body looks like a road map, and I haven’t seen the inside of a gym in months. I’ll sit this one out,” I told him with a laugh.

The scars on my body were a sore spot, but compared to the seizures, I guess they just weren’t as important anymore. Brian didn’t mind them, and that’s all that mattered to me.

“Where’s Scott?” Nick asked, looking around as Julio came down the stairs. The younger man went to the equipment and immediately started checking things to make sure they were ready for the shoot.

“He’s upstairs with Tyler. They should be down in a few minutes,” Mike told Nick and turned to Julio, who asked him for help with the lights. I looked around for Brandon, who stood near the kitchen talking to the giant guy, Drake. When I approached, it took a minute for me to realize they were talking about working out. It seemed Drake went to the gym almost as often as Brandon did. Since I wasn’t really into the whole gym scene, I wandered up the stairs to hang out with Brian and Alex. I found them in the bathroom off the blue room, and they were laughing.

“I know, right? I love it when he runs in his sleep. He’s like a puppy.” Alex choked, laughing, almost wheezing in amusement.

“It’s like he’s geared up all day long and has to just get it out in his sleep,” Brian laughed, sounding equally amused. I didn’t know for Determination

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sure, but I guessed they were talking about Mike. When I slept, I was dead to the world.

“Yeah, but I love him, so I think I’ll keep him.”

“I know that feeling,” Brian said, and his voice had softened considerably. I peeked in and caught Brian’s eye. He smiled and waved me into the room from where he sat on the bed in nothing but a towel.

It looked like he’d cleaned up and douched in a quick shower because Alex hadn’t started working on the front part of his scar. I kissed Brian lightly on the forehead and saw that the exit wound on his back had already been covered.

“Your scene partner is here,” I told Brian and sat down in the chair opposite the bed so I didn’t get in the way. I knew from experience that Alex needed the light to cover up things effectively.

“What’s he like?” he asked as Alex moved to the front of his chest and started to layer on some thick flesh-colored goop. Alex expertly filled in all the harsh reddened areas around the twisted flesh.

“Big.”

We talked for what seemed like a long time as Alex meticulously covered Brian’s scar. Other guys, like me, would have just put the stuff on there and called it a day, but Alex put on a special base to smooth out the ridges and twisted skin, leaving a very slight bulge that no one would see on camera. When he finished, the area looked slightly off, but guys jacking off to the scene would never notice. Alex packed up the makeup kit and went downstairs first, giving me a few minutes alone with Brian.

“Would it be awkward for you if I watched the scene?” I asked quietly. Standing there watching Brian get topped by another guy would be bad, but sitting upstairs on the bed hearing it and imagining it would be worse. If Brian stayed in porn, I’d have to get used to the idea of him being with other guys. Maybe seeing it would help.

“I don’t think it would. In fact, I think I’d like it if you stayed.

Knowing that you’re just a few feet away, watching me, maybe that will help me get hard,” he said with a wink, and very gently, he took my face in his hands and pulled me forward. Making sure not to let me touch the freshly applied makeup on his chest, he kissed me slowly, 286

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like we had all the time in the world. “Just remember that you’re the one I love, Jamie. You’re the one I come home to.” As he said it, a feeling of longing so powerful washed over me that my eyes teared from the intensity. I wished he came home to me every night, like he did when we were at the apartment together. God, I’d give anything to go back to that time and take the withdrawal shit. But then we’d still be scared of Steven, and I wouldn’t have my dad back in my life. I kissed him back, hard, and tried to be patient.

We walked down the stairs from the bedroom hand in hand.

“Dayum,” Brian said as he caught his first sight of Drake. “That is one big guy.” I nodded. I was six foot one, and the guy towered over me. Brian, five inches shorter than me, was nearly a foot shorter than his scene partner. I stepped away as the guy came over and held out a hand to Brian.

“Hey, buddy, it’s awesome to work with you. I, like, totally love your scenes,” he said in a weird mock-surfer kind of tone. It sounded genuine, since the guy would look perfectly at home on a surfboard there in southern California, but I’d never heard anyone talk like that outside a bad summer movie.

“Hey,” Brian replied, and I had a feeling he wanted to say something more, but Nick interrupted him. Jesus, he had to crane his neck just to see the guy’s face.

“Okay, we’re going to start with some kissing here on the couch, then some making out and oral. Drake, we’ll start out with Scott riding you, get him used to you, and then you can lay him on his back on the couch. I want you to finish by throwing his ass over the ottoman and do him hard. Questions?” Nick asked as my stomach turned a little. I hated that he never talked about the guys like they were
guys
, but more like he was playing with little posable figures without brains or personalities.

I stood behind one of the cameras so I was completely out of the way as Brian and his partner got into position. Nick had them start with Drake in the corner of the sectional couch with Brian back against his chest as they “watched porn on the big screen.” I noticed someone had put on one of my scenes. Moving just a bit so I could watch, I saw it was my scene with Em. Hearing my voice on the television, Brian Determination

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looked up to watch for a moment and then grabbed Drake’s hand and rubbed his own crotch with it. His head lolled back on the other guy’s arm, and he closed his eyes.

“You like that, buddy?” Drake asked as he kissed Brian’s neck. I thought I’d have to turn away, but then Brian moaned, and I could hear no arousal in it. It didn’t sound like the soft whimpers he made in my ear when we made love. I think it was then I finally realized that porn was just a job for him. He really did come home to me at night and leave the other guys here in the studio.