Class Is Not Dismissed! (10 page)

Theo sat up as he dragged Celery’s head across his lips. With tears in his eyes he looked at the ferret’s face and tried to
scream, but Celery had left far too much fur in his mouth, silencing his bloodcurdling howl. As Celery scampered off Theo’s
bed, the disturbed boy turned to Garrison, who was still conked out. Deciding that Madeleine and Lulu would be more helpful,
he dashed through the bathroom into the girls’ room. Lulu and Madeleine were both fast asleep when Theo barged in.

“Help! Help!” Theo groaned hoarsely. “I think I have ferretitis!”

“Theo, what is happening?” Madeleine said groggily as she sat up in bed. “And what is that on my foot?” she screeched, throwing
back the covers. It was none other than Hyacinth Hicklebee-Riyatulle.

“Morning, Mad Mad!”

“Good morning, Hyacinth. Would you mind terribly explaining why you are in my bed?”

“I’m pretty sure my question takes precedence, Maddie!” Theo said firmly. “Why did I wake up with your ferret in my mouth?”

“Wow, that is… hard-core,” Lulu stammered while pushing the hair out of her face.

“Celery sometimes does that when she’s cold. I sleep with my mouth closed, so it’s not a problem for me.”

“I can already feel the ferretitis taking over,” Theo moaned as he grabbed his throat. “I could go at any second. Honestly,
I’m a little surprised I’m still here.”

“Ugh, Theo. You just made that disease up,” Lulu said as she rolled her sleepy eyes.

“I did,” Theo admitted, “but only as a placeholder until I get to the bottom of my symptoms.”

“Symptoms?” Madeleine asked. “You look fine. And Hyacinth already told us Celery is up-to-date on her shots.”

“Hyhy,” Hyacinth corrected Madeleine before continuing. “Don’t worry, Theo, after Celery was kidnapped by this crazy kid in
my class and ransomed for my cheese
sandwich, I decided it was probably a good idea for her to get all her shots again.”

“I’m kind of craving a cheese sandwich; that can’t be good!” Theo screeched.

“Theo, you always crave sandwiches. The only person who thinks about food more than you is Macaroni,” Lulu responded. “And
he’s an English bulldog. It’s in their genes.”

With fear in his eyes and a touch of fur still in his mouth, Theo ran out of the room, down the hall, and past a bald, pajama-clad
Mrs. Wellington on the staircase.

“Where on earth are you running off to, Chubby? Breakfast won’t be ready for another half hour.”

Theo ignored Mrs. Wellington as he took two stairs at a time. Through the foyer and Great Hall he ran, until he finally reached
the kitchen. The boy dramatically dropped to his knees on the pink linoleum floor next to Macaroni. “Schmidty, I contracted
something from that ferret, you know, the one with the gray fur?”

“Mister Theo, to my knowledge there is only one ferret at Summerstone, so yes, I know exactly of whom you’re speaking.”

“That mean girl—and I’m not talking about Lulu, who does occasionally punch me while claiming to fist-bump me…”

“Perhaps it’s time to look into new friends, Mister Theo.”

“I’m dying, Schmidty! Dying! I don’t have time to make new friends. As it is, I don’t know what kind of turnout my funeral
will have. It’s summer vacation, everyone will be out of town. Oh no, a bad funeral. That’s even worse than a bad birthday
party. Thank heavens I have a big family,” Theo wailed. “And you’ll come, right? I can count on you, Schmidty.”

“Dear Mister Theo, the likelihood that I’ll outlive you is about a billion to one.”

“Well, so are the odds of getting ferretitis from a ferret sleeping in your mouth. That’s right! That awful little ferret
crawled into my mouth and slept in there. And
he
let it happen,” Theo said angrily as he pointed to Macaroni. “He was next to me snoring and occasionally even releasing gas,
and he never bothered to wake me and say, ‘Hey, friend, there’s a ferret in your mouth.’ ”

“Macaroni has never been much of a watchdog. Although technically, that’s exactly what he does. He
watches things happen but never feels the need to get involved.”

“And to think I was going to give you a pawdicure today,” Theo admonished Macaroni. “I was planning on a light pink nail polish
that would go very well with your fur coat. But you can forget it. And if I die, don’t even
think
about missing my funeral, Macaroni!”

“Will you be giving everyone a pedicure today?” Schmidty asked with excitement.

“
Schm,
you know I love you, but I’ve seen your toes,” Theo said as he remembered Schmidty’s jagged brown toenails. “You need professional
help.”

“Don’t we all, Mister Theo.”

“Ahhhhhhh!!!!!!!!”
Hyacinth bellowed from upstairs, sending a jolt through Theo, Schmidty, and Macaroni.

“Oh, dear,” Schmidty said as he headed for the Great Hall.

“Where are you going, Schmidty? I’ve got ferretitis! Have mercy on the young and plump!”

As if there were not enough happening, Mrs. Wellington’s voice suddenly whipped through the Great Hall. “Schmidty! Get the
tutu! We must leave immediately!”

M
adeleine was still rather tired when Theo ran off in search of a ferretitis vaccine, so she decided to close her eyes once
again. Prior to Theo’s intrusion, she had been mentally gallivanting through the small and windy streets of London in her
smart school uniform. While Madeleine could not properly articulate why, the dream had left her feeling more than a smidge
homesick.

The past year had been Madeleine’s happiest. For the
first time, she had a true social life, chock-full of slumber parties, afternoon teas, and jaunts to Kensington High Street.
Before plummeting into utter nostalgia, Madeleine reminded herself of the things London lacked, most notably consistent sunshine
and Garrison. It was the thought of Garrison that prompted the young girl to crack open her eyes once again.

Seconds passed as Madeleine squinted, desperate for her eyes to focus properly. After years of imagining she saw spiders everywhere,
the girl had become rather adept at refocusing. Only in this case, she couldn’t shake the image of a spider. And for a very
good reason—it was in fact a spider. A mere two inches from Madeleine’s face dangled a large brown-and-burgundy spider. She
wanted to scream, but she feared Hyacinth, who was still sleeping at her feet, would move abruptly. Madeleine was keenly aware
that any quick movements could lead to a skin-to-furry-skin encounter.

Madeleine closed her eyes one last time, in a desperate bid to make the spider disappear. As she silently prayed, Madeleine
felt a thump on the bed. She opened her eyes slowly, half hoping it had all been a dream. But the spider was still there,
only now he had a very large
friend with him. (Madeleine always assumed spiders were male. She quite honestly considered them too ghastly to be female.)
Perched next to Madeleine’s face, Errol the cat watched the spider with a sort of deranged reverence. It was awfully hard
to work out whether Errol yearned to eat the spider or sit down for a chat. With an indecipherable gleam in his eyes, Errol
slowly wrapped the spider around his paw, all the while dangling the creature precariously over Madeleine’s face.

Madeleine’s life, at least as far as she was concerned, was hanging on a cat’s whim. And as everyone knows, cats are terribly
unreliable. Why, it’s entirely normal for a cat to stop midmeal, midplay, midnap, for a tongue bath. What if Errol did that
right now? The cat would drop the substantial-sized spider on her face! It was almost too much for Madeleine to comprehend.
As her stomach growled loudly, Madeleine pushed her body against the mattress with all her might. However irrationally, Madeleine
hoped the mattress would swallow her whole. But of course that did not happen. Instead, Errol, still dangling the spider over
Madeleine’s face, took a seat on her chest.

With adrenaline pumping through her body,
Madeleine bounced up, pushing both Errol and the spider into the air. What happened next would replay for years to come in
Madeleine’s impressionable mind. As the pink-pajama-clad girl started for the door, Errol’s tentative grasp on the spider
broke. The cat jutted his legs out and puffed up his fur as he went sailing toward Hyacinth, still asleep on Madeleine’s bed.
Errol smashed into Hyacinth’s chest, prompting her to scream as she jolted straight up. Meanwhile, the brown-and-burgundy
spider spiraled through the air, landing on Madeleine’s forehead. In that millisecond, Madeleine did not think. She did not
reason. She simply slapped herself in the head. And this wasn’t a light slap; this was a force of nature. So strong was the
strike that Madeleine actually suffered a moderate case of whiplash.

“No!” Lulu screamed as she leapt out of bed and ran toward a dazed-looking Madeleine.

Sadly, Lulu was too late; far, far too late. Madeleine’s dainty alabaster forehead was covered in spider roadkill. Amid a
good deal of spider intestines and goo were the creature’s thick and furry legs.

“Lulu,” Madeleine said weakly, “it’s not… is it? I imagined all that. I must have been dreaming, right?”

“Maddie, I want you to stay calm. Everything is going to be OK. I’m just going to grab a tissue…”

“God save the Queen,” Madeleine mumbled as she simultaneously threw up and fainted.

Madeleine awoke to more than a mess; she awoke to a crime scene. Looking up from her bed, she saw a crowd of familiar faces
displaying both concern and nausea. Her cheeks burned with embarrassment as she noted the pungent smell of vomit in the air.
Everyone continued to talk loudly while Madeleine furiously tried to comprehend the events that had taken place. How was it
possible that such a spider found her? Was it simply bad luck, or could it be something more sinister? Madeleine focused on
Hyacinth, who was now dressed in a purple pantsuit. Did the peculiar little girl have it in her? As much as Madeleine yearned
for someone to blame, she simply didn’t think the ten-year-old could have done it.

“Maddie, you’re awake,” Garrison said sweetly, lifting her weakened spirits.

“Where did it come from?” Madeleine asked meekly as she sat up in bed.

“There’s no easy way to say this,” Mrs. Wellington muttered awkwardly.

“Please tell me, Mrs. Wellington,” Madeleine pleaded as her heart rate jumped rapidly, “please.”

“We were burglarized again last night…”

“Oh, well, I’m sorry,” Madeleine said with immense relief, having thought the bad news was spider-related.

“And while stealing two of my portraits, the burglar also managed to knock over quite a few things.”

“Oh, how dreadful. Does Schmidty need help tidying up?”

“No, dear, although it’s terribly kind of you to offer, especially since Schmidty is not the housekeeper he once was—”

“Madame,” Schmidty interrupted, “I implore you to remain on topic.”

“Oh, yes, of course. Anyway, while rummaging through the house, the burglar got into quite a few jars in the B and B. Not
all the compartments in the B and B were opened, thank heavens, or we would have a few Bermuda pythons on our hands. However…”

“Oh, dear, this is not the making of good news,” Madeleine said as day-old food rose in her throat.

“The burglar tipped over the double
B
’s and the triple
B
’s.”

“I know I am going to regret asking this,” Madeleine said before swallowing loudly, “but what are the double and triple
B
’s?”

“Maddie,” Garrison said calmly, “sometimes ignorance really is bliss.”

“Yeah, I got to go with Gary on this one,” Theo blurted out. “I really don’t think you want to know.”

“Celery thinks you should find out, but I don’t,” Hyacinth said with a smile. “And by the way, I had so much fun sleeping
next to your feet last night. And FYI, they don’t smell at all.”

“This is hardly the occasion, Hyacinth,” Madeleine said sternly.

Normally Theo would have rejoiced in Madeleine telling someone else that it wasn’t the time. However, he was far too concerned
about Madeleine’s mental state to celebrate.