Class Is Not Dismissed! (5 page)

“Don’t wait for retirement to save the environment,”
Theo proudly announced.

“They’ve been bombarding me with images on the telly. I couldn’t take the chance of a mutant tiptoeing across my face at night
with all my senses drowned in REM waves. The bugs could have laid eggs in my hair, my eyebrows—why, even on my eyelashes.
I simply couldn’t allow that to happen…” Madeleine trailed off before lowering her head in disgrace.

“Then there’s… the surfer,” Mrs. Wellington said, suspiciously eyeing Garrison.

“Yup, that’s right. I’m a surfer. I love the water,” Garrison offered in a cracking voice.

“Well, you do have the wet suit,” Mrs. Wellington said while clicking a slide. “And the tan, and the—”

“Sorry to interrupt, but I have to say it. I think Garrison is too tanned. He clearly needs a refresher in the dangers of
the sun,” Theo said knowingly. “He’ll be a raisin before he’s thirty if he keeps this up. And friends don’t let friends grow
up to be raisins.”

“As I was saying, Garrison,” Mrs. Wellington continued, without any regard for Theo’s comments, “you may have the tan and
the board, but an actual surfer? No.
However, I give you credit—it certainly took a great deal of work to wake up, walk down to the beach, get all sandy, wet your
hair in the public bathroom, then head to school.”

“The public bathroom at the beach?” Theo murmured to himself in disgust. Just thinking about it made him want to take a bath
in Purell.

“The currents are like arms pulling me in different directions. I only just learned to doggy-paddle in a pool. And all these
storms make the water even choppier. Then there’s tsunamis, and hurricanes, and floods—it’s just too much! You can’t tell
anyone, please! It’s my whole thing, Garrison the surfer. My dad’s even stopped making fun of me…. I can’t go back to that.”

“You can’t build a house on a rocky foundation,” Theo said, shaking his head judgmentally at Garrison.

“Oh, what now—you’re a construction worker?” Garrison mouthed off.

“Honestly, Theo, I have never seen you take such delight in others’ misery. You ought to be ashamed of yourself,” Madeleine
stated emphatically.

Theo blanched, placing his left hand dramatically across his chest, clearly wounded by Madeleine’s comments.

“And then there was Chubby.”

“No need to waste your time on me. I’ve been a dream. Sure, there’s the odd occasion I worry about something, but it’s never
anything irrational. Just everyday stuff like returning my library books on time, because let me tell you, that nickel a day
can really add up.”

“Chubby, I’m not even going to get into the horrible disguises you wore to spy on your family members or the reports you submitted
to your parents on your siblings’ outings.”

“You can’t tell them! They’ll kill me! I only just convinced them the doorman was behind it. Sure, they’ve been pelting him
with pickled eggs from the Korean deli, but he’s a strong guy. He can take it.”

“Not to worry, Chubby. I am far more interested in discussing your personal deforestation plan.”

“Some environmentalist,” Lulu scoffed.

“Um, Lulu, have you not heard my slogans? I am all about the environment,” Theo said before turning toward Mrs. Wellington.
“That whole tree thing was a simple misunderstanding. I thought the newscaster said
pine
flu. I mean who calls pigs
swine?
Why not call it
pig flu? It’s really the fault of those fancy-name-using newscasters.”

“I think you need help,” Lulu said to Theo, “and I don’t mean that in a kind or caring way.”

“Yes, well, he certainly isn’t the only one, now, is he?” Mrs. Wellington snapped. “And what is this abomination of posture?
Why, it’s as if evolution never happened!”

The contestants immediately threw their shoulders back and sat straight as boards.

“Good,” Mrs. Wellington said coolly. “Now that we have clarified the fact that you all
need
to be here, there is something I must ask you. Have any of you been careless and babbled to an outsider about our institution,
inadvertently inspiring them to come and steal from me? Perhaps you remember speaking with a bald person desperately in need
of some hair?”

Madeleine slowly raised her hand. “I am absolutely certain, that is, positively one hundred percent sure, that I did not speak
to anyone regarding School of Fear. I told everyone that I spent the summer at a United Nations debate camp in New York.”

Mrs. Wellington nodded, then turned toward Lulu.

“What!” Lulu said defensively in response to Mrs. Wellington’s stare. “I told everyone I was in a juvenile detention center.”

“A painfully plausible story,” Mrs. Wellington said as she looked to Garrison.

“I didn’t say anything. And as far as everyone in Florida is concerned, I was at surf camp in Hawaii last summer.”

“And you, Chubby?” Mrs. Wellington said with a heavy dollop of doubt.

“It’s in the vault, a place no one can access, not even me. Well, that’s not entirely true, because it’s
my
vault, but you know what I mean.”

“No, Chubby, I’m afraid I don’t,” Mrs. Wellington said with darkening lips. “Please explain.”

“Well, I had been planning on telling everyone I was on an archeological dig or at space camp or interning at the White House.
Something really exciting, because that’s what people have come to expect from me,” Theo said haughtily. “But my derelict
brother, whom I may add Lulu was instantly taken with, decided to tell everyone I was at fat camp instead.”

“A most believable story. Please commend your derelict
brother on my behalf,” Mrs. Wellington said before rubbing her chin and furrowing her brow.

“Mrs. Wellington, a bit ago you mentioned Munchauser sending updates. Does this mean you finally receive post?” Madeleine
asked excitedly.

“No, Miss Madeleine,” Schmidty explained from the side of the room, “I’m afraid it’s far more rudimentary than receiving mail.
Munchauser calls a local boy with updates, which the boy then transcribes on a piece of paper before riding his bike to the
base of Summerstone and dropping it in the letterbox. I then reel the box up using a dumbwaiter.”

“That sounds
really simple;
I’m totally ditching my cell phone when I get home,” Lulu said sarcastically. “Maybe I’ll even look into getting a carrier
pigeon.”

“I feel the need to go on the record as saying that pigeons are not very clean, and I’m not just talking about bird flu, which,
on an aside, is not as I previously thought, a bird with a runny nose and a cough. Pigeons have been known to carry everything
from cryptococcosis to bedbugs,” Theo said authoritatively as his stomach grumbled loudly. “I’m starving. When’s lunch?”

“It’s eleven
AM
, Theo,” Lulu said, rolling her eyes.

“I hardly ate any breakfast. I’m trying to work on my portion control. But do you realize how small an actual portion of cereal
is? It’s, like, four cornflakes and half a raisin. Fine, a whole raisin. But that’s not enough for a growing man!”

“Chubby, not to worry. We will have a proper lunch when the new contestant arrives,” Mrs. Wellington announced casually.

I
think I’m going to cry today, because I am going away! I miss my mommy and daddy and they’re right in front of me,”
a small girl sang off-key in the backseat of a Honda Civic as her parents in the front seat shook their heads in frustration.

“Child, your singing is pushing me to the brink of insanity,” a middle-aged Indian man said in a thick accent.

“Daddy! I promise I won’t sing for the rest of the
summer. Just let me stay with you! Please, Daddy! Please!”

“No, we can’t. Your brothers and sisters have gone on strike. They say you take all our attention, twenty-four hours a day.
You are the work of twenty children! This cannot go on!”

“Mommy, let’s run away from Daddy. We can start a new life on a rice paddy!”

“We have been over this. This is for your own good as well as the good of the entire family. Don’t you care about your brothers
and sisters? Don’t you want them to be happy?” the young girl’s American mother asked from the passenger seat.

“Not if their happiness means my being alone.”

“You won’t be alone. You will be with a teacher and other students all summer.”

“Fine…”

“And please try not to sing…”

Displeasure never displayed itself quite as overtly as it did on Lulu’s face when she learned that another contestant
was to join School of Fear. The young girl’s cheeks had gone red and splotchy, but most notable were Lulu’s hardened eyes,
which she kept perfectly trained on Mrs. Wellington. Theo watched Lulu with a mixture of fear and admiration. He had never
been able to scare anyone with a stare, or even with words, for that matter.

“Let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Maybe Mrs. Wellington was talking about a new cat or dog,” Theo whispered to Lulu from
the side of his mouth.

Lulu momentarily broke her focus on Mrs. Wellington to assess what Theo had said. She had to admit it was a possibility.

“Are you talking about a new cat or dog or an animal of any kind?” Lulu asked Mrs. Wellington, her head cocked to the left.

Theo watched Mrs. Wellington intently, as if trying to will the old woman to say yes. Not only did he wish to appease Lulu,
but he wasn’t keen on a new student either.

“I am afraid not, Lulu. The new contestant is human, or so her parents claim. However, should the contestant surprise us with
a fur coat and sharp teeth, Macaroni
will be thrilled. He’s been a bit lonely since those nutters down the street, the Knapps, have stopped letting Jeffrey come
for playdates.”

“No, thanks, Mrs. Wellington,” Lulu interrupted. “This bunch of weirdos is more than enough for me. Let’s return this new
one. Get a refund. Store credit. I don’t care, just send it away. Do whatever you need to do, but no new contestant.”

“I’ve got to agree. What if it’s another…” Garrison paused while looking at Theo.

“I hear you, Gary,” Theo said obliviously. “Another Lulu would be rough on me too. Just might be the straw that broke the
hall monitor’s back.”

“Enough with the Gary,” Garrison snapped.

“A little aggressive for a surfer, don’t you think?” Theo muttered under his breath.

“Perhaps we’re being needlessly negative,” Madeleine chimed in before Garrison could respond to Theo. “Maybe
he
will be a lovely addition to the group.”

“It’s a
she
, not a
he
,” Mrs. Wellington corrected Madeleine.

“Oh, well, that is absolutely wonderful,” Madeleine said meekly, while glancing over at Garrison.

It was a tad irrational and extremely overprotective, but Madeleine simply could not bear it if Garrison were taken with the
new contestant. Why, it would be absolute torture! What if she were some beach-loving surfette? Madeleine knew it to be petty
and wrong, but she said a silent prayer for the girl to be outrageously unattractive. Even as Madeleine thought it, she felt
dreadful. It was such an un-Madeleine thing to wish, but crushes have been known to make girls go utterly batty.