Children in Her Shadow (12 page)

Ruth was tormented throughout the night as she tried to put out of her mind the wrath and damnation of her God that kept her from sleep chastising her for what she had done that night and the demons that were saying she surely would be pregnant.

Night after night those demons would torment her; she felt guilt, revulsion and terrible fear. This was not helped by her nightly glances at her diary that showed she was firstly days and then a week overdue for her period.

Ruth was not eating and had begun to look drawn and tired, sufficiently so that it was being commented upon at work and probed nightly by Moira. Eventually, the night came when she was to meet Edward and when they met she fell tearfully into his arms. Edward tried unsuccessfully to establish why she was so upset never once making the simplest connection that three weeks earlier she had lost her virginity to him or that she might need reassurance from him that their relationship was at least stronger as a result.

At Edward’s suggestion Ruth left early and went home arranging to meet mid week to go to the Winter Garden’s dancing. The following morning, a Saturday, Moira heard Ruth crying in her bedroom and having knocked on her door a few times she entered the room and sat alongside Ruth who was laying in bed, her head buried in the pillow. Moira turned Ruth’s head towards her and said, “You’re pregnant aren’t you?” Ruth tried to say she wasn’t but all she could say was, “I don’t know.”

Moira swiftly but with compassionate and sensitivity gathered Ruth up, got her dressed and immediately took her to see her own family doctor whose house was but four doors away. His wife answered the door and seeing the distress on Ruth’s face and the anguish on Moira’s she asked them to come into her own sitting room rather than the main waiting room until such time as her husband could see Ruth.

After what seemed like hours but were only a few minutes Dr Carr, a young looking man with a kindly face came into the room and asked Ruth to go with him. He suggested to Moira that she should wait in the sitting room and that his wife should chaperone Ruth.

Ruth was relieved that she would not have to go through an examination in front of Moira and nor would she have to speak in front of her cousin of what had gone on that night three weeks ago in.

Ruth sat down in a comfortable chair alongside the doctor at his desk with Mrs Carr sitting close to her. “Now tell me what’s so bad that would make a pretty young thing like you so unhappy” he said. Ruth began to cry and with that Mrs Carr put a hand on hers and said “Do you think you’re pregnant sweetheart, is that the problem?” Ruth nodded and in that instance she knew, even before the inevitable examination, she knew that she was pregnant. Dr Carr examined her and took a urine sample but confirmed that in his mind she was indeed pregnant. He explained that with the wonders of science he would be able to confirm if she was pregnant from the urine sample.

At that point Ruth was taken back to Mrs Carr’s sitting room and Moira went into the surgery to speak with the doctor. He explained that he believed she was pregnant and that her urine sample would be sent to the hospital for testing. He explained to the attentive Moira who was trying to understand how he would know from a urine test if Ruth was pregnant that the hospital would use a ‘frog’. He went on to explain to the dumbstruck Moira that the urine of a woman who was thought to be pregnant could be injected into the dorsal lymph sac of the female African Clawed Frog; if the woman was pregnant the female frog would ovulate within eight to ten hours.

Both the science and the simplified explanation of how the science worked went completely over Moira’s head. What she was reassured about and extremely grateful for was the indication that if she called back to the house on Sunday morning before Church, he would have the test result. Moira went back to the sitting room and settled the fee for the consultation and the test which in total came to half a guinea.

They left the house and Ruth asked if they might walk to the park where they could talk undisturbed. They sat for about an hour and pondered the consequences of any confirmation that she was pregnant. Ruth, in a rather more composed state than was Moira by this time made it quite clear that she would not even countenance the thought of an abortion. Although she was not a ‘practicing’ Catholic she held to the strong belief that abortion was the taking of life. This moved Moira to the obvious next question whether Ruth felt that Edward would do the decent thing and marry her. Ruth was not sure, she knew that Edward was amenable to marriage with Sarah but, based on the experience of her one meeting with Edward’s family it seemed that they might well be the arbiters of whether Edward should marry her rather than Edward.

Their conversation then moved on to option three that being to have the child, if indeed she was pregnant and then to go on to have the child adopted. This brought out in Ruth a passion that was to live with her all her life. She explained that to her putting up your child for adoption was sinful, an abdication of responsibility and as unacceptable as abortion.

The logical elimination of these options led them to the final one which was that if Edward didn’t marry Ruth, how she would bring a child up on her own. In this regard, Moira made it quite clear that the option of remaining in her house after the child was born was entirely out of the question as her husband was not fond of children to the point of never even letting neighbours children come into the house even with their mother. Moreover, Moira reminded Ruth that the landlord had made it clear that there were to be no children living in his house. By the time they left the park, Ruth was less visibly upset but the turmoil continued in her head. They agreed to say nothing to anyone at least until Dr Carr had reported his findings tomorrow.

If it is impossible to go a whole night without sleep, Ruth broke the rule. She tossed and turned imagining how she might tell Edward and what his reaction would be. She entered the dark prospect of a conversation with Edward’s mother and even worse the five foot Attila the Hun masquerading as Aunt Matilda. The dark forces of the night gave way to the dawn and Ruth lay in her bed a further two hours until she was sure that Jack had left the house.

Ruth rose and went to the bathroom to wash. She stood before the full length mirror looking at her perfectly flat stomach trying to see if there were any signs that a new life was forming to change her shape, but there were none. It was agreed that Ruth should go to Dr Carr’s house alone and knowing that he always went to the nine o’clock mass in the Catholic Church she called at the house at eight thirty.

Mrs Carr opened the door and took Ruth through to the waiting room where she sat alone deep in thought and prepared for the anticipated news that she was pregnant. Dr Carr eventually called her into his office and confirmed that which she knew already, that she was indeed pregnant.

The relief of knowing brought some comfort to the young Ruth’s mind as she walked the few steps to Moira’s house. Moira saw the news written across Ruth’s face as she entered the house slipped up the stairs to lie on her bed where she remained for the whole of the day.

Sleep returned to Ruth though the prospect of what lay ahead in the coming days when she would have to confront Edward tormented and frightened her.

Ruth returned to her work on the Monday passing off any comments that she was looking unwell as nothing more than a summer cold. She saw Edward pass the cockpit windows several times that day and the next but resisted the urge to go and see him, waiting until their planned meeting later in the week.

Ruth was conscious of anyone whose momentary glance could be construed as being able to detect her massive secret. Although she had several close friends at work she did not succumb to the temptation to confide in any of them. Ruth continued to feel a massive sense of guilt, a guilt that would wash over her without warning and leave her feeling cold and clammy. She felt sure that the world would condemn her once it was known that she had engaged in sex with a man before marriage.

Though the nineteen forties were supposed to be liberating times for women who in many ways were the backbone of the home economy and the war effort, the Victorian values and influence remained. Young women were regarded as promiscuous simply for being seen to walk hand in hand with a boy and if they were seen by the older generation of women to kiss in public they were branded brazen and loose. Those girls who did become pregnant out of wedlock were seen to bring shame on their families. Therefore, it was not at all uncommon for such girls to be packed off to an auntie some miles away until the child was born following which they could return with a contrived story of going to assist a sick relative or being taken away from the reminders of war.

Very few girls braved the challenge of being a single parent partly because they couldn’t afford to but also because they would be shunned and ostracised by any community they went into. Rooms were hard enough to rent by mothers whose husbands were on the front line or had been widowed by wartime death, but there would be no room for a mother and her bastard baby. The only accepted course of action if the father was not known or if he was unwilling to face up to his responsibilities and marry the girl, was for a young mother to return to her family or to have her child adopted which Ruth had completely ruled out, or for the child to be taken into care. Many children were already in care, housed in children’s homes which were often run by the church.

For Ruth, the prospect of anyone taking her child from her was completely out of the question though she had not yet followed through the implications if Edward rejected her, and that she would at some time have to leave the place she called home with Moira. These were huge issues for the young Ruth to be wrestling with but she felt her fate, whatever it was would at least be sealed once she had spoken to Edward.

Their arrangement had been to meet outside the Winter Gardens but Ruth slipped a note to Edward suggesting that they meet at the Cottage fish and chip shop in Blackpool for tea before going on to the Winter Gardens. Though a little off the beaten track, this was a favourite place to meet and somewhere they had visited on many occasions. Edward agreed and they met as planned at six o’clock.

When Edward arrived he was chirpy and very talkative and it was not until their meal had been served to them that he stopped to take a breath. Ruth waited until she could wait no more and whispered in Edward’s ear, “Edward, we need to talk I have something to tell you.” Edward continued his supper only nodding to acknowledge that he had heard what she said. By now the cafe was quiet and with the staff nowhere to be seen, Ruth again said, “Edward we need to talk.” With that Edward looked at her and said, “What is it, what’s so urgent?” Being unable to say what she needed to say in any other way she turned to Edward and said, “I’m pregnant.”

There was a moment of silence before Edward firstly looked around to be sure that no one was listening and then said, “What do you mean you’re pregnant, how do you know?” Ruth explained that she had seen the doctor and that the tests he had carried out confirmed that she was pregnant. A further moment of silence passed before Edward said, “And am I the father?”

There was no containing Ruth’s fury. She stepped up from the table and dragged Edward outside the cafe and without pausing for breath she launched a tirade upon Edward, the like of which he had never been subject to before: “How dare you, you who have knowingly taken my virginity accuse me of being with another man.” She went on, “For once in your life face up to the implications of your actions in the same way that I will have to do by at least acknowledging that this is your baby.”

Edward waited and eventually, in a soft tone said to Ruth, “It was unthinking of me to say that, of course it’s my baby and we will get through this together.” Now that was the sort of scenario that Ruth had not rehearsed and she was completely taken aback. Moreover, Edward continued, “You know that I love you and what we must now consider is what we do from here.” These were the kind of reassuring words that Ruth needed to hear. What she didn’t need to hear was what came next.

Edward, with a sense of manly purpose rose to his full five foot seven and said, “Right let’s get the bus over to my house and discuss this with my parents who will of course be angry but will help us to decide what we should do now.” Again Ruth felt angry and though by now she was being rushed along the road to the nearest bus stop, she felt compelled to again raise her voice to Edward. “Can’t you do anything in your life without having your parents decide for you? What would you like to do? What do you think I would like us to do? Don’t you think we should answer some of those questions before we tell your parents?”

There was no stopping Ruth who hardly stopped for breath before she continued. “Isn’t this a time when you and I should be going to them and telling them what we think is right for us and the baby?” Edward was visibly taken aback and on reflection so was Ruth. She wondered as they continued their journey to the bus stop where was this stridency and determination was coming from.

They moved to an area just before the bus stop and sat on a wall. Edward turned to Ruth and explained that since he was a child, an only child, his life had been mapped out for him by his parents and his aunts. He explained, “They pushed me to achieve at school, they managed to get me into Blackpool Technical Collage and when I had finished there they managed to get me into Radio School before pulling more strings to get me into the Merchant Navy, considered at that time to be the safest of services during war time.”

Edward continued what was beginning to sound like a long overdue reflective moment by explaining that it was again strings that were pulled that led to him being saved from other military services. He paused and said, “I will explain more about what else I do some other time but suffice to say that I am not the coward or the conscientious objector some people think I am. I do my bit and I do it well.” Ruth chose not to probe any of what she had just heard as tantalising and intriguing as the temptation was. Instead, she returned to the vexing theme of what they wanted for their future and their child.