Chased Dreams (14 page)

“Honey, it’s your grandpa. He’s not doing
too well and you need to come back home if you want to see him. I’m
afraid he isn’t going to be with us much longer.”

Her words slammed into me, not making any
sense at all. “What? How? What do you mean? What the hell is going
on?” I demanded, instantly feeling dizzy as the room spun in front
of me.

“He is sick and it’s bad. He kept his
condition from the family, but things have progressed rapidly. The
doctors have let him stay at home, since that was his wish, but you
need to hurry, okay? I’ll explain everything when you get
here.”

“I’ll be there as soon as I can,” I replied,
hanging up and turning to Brittney. “We need to go.”

“Our things are still in the truck,” she
replied. “We can leave right now. I can call into work and wash
clothes when we get there.”

Slipping my hand into hers, I made my way to
the garage, my mind awash in disbelief. Not Grandpa. He was so
strong. He was the rock that held our family together. We couldn’t
live without him. I’d just had dinner with him on Sunday and he
acted fine. This couldn’t be happening.

The drive home passed in a silent blur.
Brittney sat beside me, her hand resting on my knee, as she dozed
off and on. I didn’t even turn on the radio, the thoughts in my
head buzzing too loud for me to listen to anything else. Silent
prayers fell from my lips as I pushed the gas pedal harder.

It seemed to take days before the white
farmhouse came into view. There were lots of cars I didn’t
recognize, but I didn’t take my time trying to figure out who was
there. Parking haphazardly, I jumped from the truck and rushed
inside, encountering several faces I didn’t know.

“The bedroom,” someone whispered, and I
hurried off down the hall. My mother’s stricken face was the first
thing I saw when I entered. She immediately moved to my side as my
eyes drifted to where my grandpa’s form was laid out on the bed.
His skin was ashen and lifeless looking, and Grandma gripped one of
his pale hands in her own as she cried.

Nausea flowed through me and suddenly I
couldn’t swallow. I couldn’t be here, this couldn’t happen. Fleeing
from the room, I hurried out the back door, running to the barn and
dropped onto a bale of hay. Burying my face into my hands, I leaned
my elbows against my knees and wept, the tears falling as if they
were being torn from the deepest part of my very soul.

Death and I seemed to be getting far too
cozy with one another lately. True, no one was getting out of this
life alive, but it still was so difficult to process when it is
someone you love. I was quickly discovering there was no easy way
to handle it either. It didn’t matter how badly I wanted to shut
myself off—to keep from feeling—there was still no way to stop the
hurt that bloomed inside. I was simply going to have to face it
head on—accept death as a part of life.

“Hello, sweet boy,” Grandma’s voice
interrupted my thoughts and I glanced to find her in the
doorway.

Standing, my tears increased. “I love you,”
was all I managed to choke out.

She came to me, arms outstretched and gave
me a big hug. “Would you like to go see him before the mortician
takes him? You’re the last one to get to see him.”

I nodded and the two of us began walking to
the house together. “What happened to him?”

She sighed heavily. “Your grandpa had brain
cancer. We never told anyone about it. He wanted to live life as
normally as possible. He’d been feeling worse lately, and getting
really bad headaches, again; so he went back in to get checked out.
He was bleeding heavily into his brain. They told him this was the
end and he asked to come home.”

“Why didn’t you tell anyone?” I demanded,
almost feeling angry. “I could’ve come home and helped him.”

“You have enough stress of your own, Chase.
Your grandpa didn’t want to add to it. That was his last wish—to
not add stress to anyone. I had to respect it.”

“When will the funeral be?”

“This Saturday, at the church. He already
helped me plan it out and bought a plot in the cemetery.” We
reached the house and she ushered me inside, pausing at the door to
her room. “Are you going to be okay?” she asked. I nodded, stepping
inside and closing the door behind me.

Allowing my gaze to travel around the room,
I glanced at all the mementos of my grandpa’s life. Smiling
pictures of him and Grandma greeted me from the dresser, a few
shots Grandma had taken of him working in various places on the
farm, and one in his military uniform, as well. In the far corner
was and old saddle of his, propped up on a stand next to a rack of
handmade quilts of Grandma’s. His boots were next to the rocking
chair, most likely right where he’d put them the last time he’d
removed them.

My eyes drifted to where he lay on the bed
and I sat in the chair beside him, slipping my hand into his.
“Grandpa . . . I,” I didn’t know where to start. “Grandpa, I’m
sorry.” I burst into tears. I couldn’t do this—no, I didn’t
want
to do this, but I had to. “Thank you. Thank you for
taking me in. Thank you for giving me the most amazing mom in the
world. Thank you for showing up to my games, for teaching me how to
be a real cowboy, for loving grandma, and for being the best father
figure a kid could ask for. But most of all, thanks for helping me
to become a man, and showing me how it should be done. You are
truly the best man I’ve ever known. Please forgive me for all my
shortcomings. I love you.”

Sitting beside him for several long minutes,
I continued to let my tears roll down my face. I couldn’t believe
our time together was over; and I found myself reluctant to leave
his side, knowing it would be our last time together.

When I finally slipped from his room, I made
my way unnoticed out the back door. My knee protested as I began
striding across the giant field behind the house, but I didn’t
care. The sun had dipped low in the sky, beginning to make its way
down behind the horizon, by the time I arrived at the picnic spot
Nikki and I had once shared by the creek. The memory of the two of
us eating Grandma’s fried chicken washed over me. I was grateful
for the memories, but I was here for another reason. It was time to
find myself again. I needed to get off the rollercoaster I felt
like I was on, being jerked around from one side to the other,
spinning out of control as I let life happen to me instead of
taking it by the horns and trying to control it myself. Everything
had become so difficult and hard. In high school, things had seemed
so easy—the grades, the games, the girls. Now I was overwhelmed
with bills, stress, injuries, and death.

I wanted to go back. For the first time, I
allowed myself to dream of starting it all over. What would my life
be like if I knew then what I knew now? Would I have still fallen
for Nikki? Or would I have been the wild kid on the downward
spiral, taking chances, thinking myself invincible?

Grandpa’s image floated through my mind,
causing a warm feeling to stir through me. He wouldn’t want me
thinking like this. He’d tell me to man up and make the best of the
life I have right now—to be the best me I could be. I knew if
things worked out, I could still go play ball, but I wasn’t getting
any younger and time stops for no one. I needed to make some big
decisions regarding my future.

“You just left.” I spoke aloud. “But I can
still feel you here with me. I’m going to stop feeling sorry for
myself and be the man you taught me to be. I know you can’t be here
in person, but it helps knowing that you are close by. There isn’t
any other person I’d rather have beside me, even if it’s only in
spirit. I’ll do my best to make you proud. I love you,
Grandpa.”

“I thought I might find you out here.” My
mom’s voice interrupted and I quickly wiped away my tears.

“Hey, Mom.” I wondered if she’d heard
everything.

“You know Grandpa will always be alive in
your heart, right?” she asked as she came beside me and wrapped her
arm around my waist.

I nodded, noting her red-rimmed eyes and
smudged makeup. I wished I could ease some of her pain. She was
always so strong for everyone else.

“Mom,” I said and she glanced at me.

“Yes?”

“Thanks. For everything.”

She hugged me tighter and I wrapped both my
arms fully around her. “I love you, son. We need to head back
though. Your grandma sent me to find you. She’s getting out the
chocolate chip cookies.”

I couldn’t help the laugh that bubbled up
from inside me. “She knows me well, doesn’t she?”

Mom smiled widely as we turned in the
direction of the ranch house. “Yes, she does. And I think she
believes those cookies can cure anything.”

“Well, I’m willing to give it a shot,” I
responded with a smile. “Is she going to be okay, now that
grandpa’s gone, I mean?”

“He left her well taken care of. She’ll be
able to stay here, if that’s what she wants.”

“I hope she will,” I said, glancing around
the wide open space I now thought of as home. “I couldn’t imagine
not having this old place anymore. I love it here.”

“I do, too,” Mom said, sighing wistfully.
“We’ve had so many good memories here.”

“I’m sure we’ll have a lot more, too.”
Gently, I squeezed her shoulders, and in my mind I could see
Grandpa smiling happily over both of us.

Chapter Sixteen

Rolling out of bed with a groan, I stared
for a moment at the clock. 5 AM. Now that the funeral was over and
we were back home, today was the day I’d resolved to start getting
myself back in shape. No more moaning and groaning about things and
complaining about the hand life dealt me. I was starting over and
building things back up again. My muscle mass and tone had begun to
slowly wither away, due to lack of use. It was time to get it
back.

Throwing on my running shorts and shoes, I
quietly made my way from the bedroom, careful to not disturb
Brittney. Even this early in the morning, I could still feel the
slight humidity in the air and it made me wish I was still up in
the mountains. My thoughts wandered to my grandma, and how her life
would change now that Grandpa was gone. I worried about her– even
if she did have money to hire help for the ranch. No one would love
and care for it like Grandpa did—except for, perhaps, me.

“Don’t even think about it,” I mumbled to
myself as I continued running down the sidewalk. There was no way I
could uproot Brittney and move back to the farm.
Could I
?
Sure, there wasn’t exactly anything keeping me here right now, but
Britt had a good job, and I knew she loved the house we’d
purchased. It was big enough for us to raise children in, which had
been our intention.

But what kid wouldn’t love growing up on the
ranch? The ideas kept drifting around in my head, entertaining me,
until I realized I’d run much farther than I thought I’d be able
to. It felt good to exercise again.

Spotting a coffee sign just down the road, I
continued there, stopping to go inside and rest.

“Hello! Welcome to The Coffee Spot,” a young
lady greeted me as I walked in.

“Thank you,” I replied, my eyes scanning the
menu over her head.

“What can I get you this morning?”

“I’ll have the vanilla protein shake, with
ice.”

“Oh, that’s a good one,” she replied with a
cheesy smile, as if this was the greatest place on earth and she
lived only to serve me. “Your total is four dollars and twenty-five
cents.” I handed her the money and she gave me my change before
hurrying off to make my drink.

Grabbing the newspaper someone had set out,
I made my way to a table and sat down. Skipping over the bad news
headlines, I went straight for the sports section. The waitress
brought my drink out to me and I continued perusing through the
articles as I drank. Reading about all the games going on in my
peer’s careers made me even more inspired to achieve the new goal
I’d set for myself.

When I arrived back home, Britt was still
sleeping. She was still that way after my shower, too, so I snuck
into the kitchen, deciding to surprise her with breakfast, for a
change. I had a small skillet full of scrambled eggs, some bacon,
and toast made before she finally appeared in the kitchen.

“Good morning, sleepyhead,” I teased. “I was
beginning to think you weren’t ever going to wake up.”

She glanced at all the food and smiled. “Oh,
my goodness. I’m so impressed, right now. I don’t know what to say.
What’s the occasion?”

“No occasion. I just decided it was time to
start getting the old me back. I’m tired of sitting around and
doing nothing while life passes me by.” I pulled out a chair for
her and gestured for her to sit at the table. Bringing the food
over, I set it next to the plates I’d already laid out for us. “I
went running this morning and I plan on going swimming tonight.
Would you like to go with me?”

“I love to,” she replied, dishing up some
food for herself. “I have to say, I’m happy to see you so
motivated. I’ve been worried about you, lately. Things have been
tough for you.”

“When the going gets tough, the tough get
going. That’s my new motto. I need to get back in control of things
and make a plan for the future. Speaking of the future, I had a
totally crazy idea this morning while I was out on my run.”

“Really? What’s that?” Lifting her fork, she
took a big bite of eggs.

“What would you think about selling this
place and moving in with my Grandma so I could run the ranch?”

She made a slight choking sound and reached
for her glass of milk, quickly swallowing. “Did she ask you to?”
She finally asked.

“No. I just thought it might help her as she
makes the transition to life without Grandpa. It would help me get
back into shape, too. I mean, I know we bought this place hoping to
raise kids here, but we could do that there, whenever we decide to
have any.”