Chased Dreams (5 page)

My mom caught my eye, waving proudly at me
from where all of my family sat together with big smiles on their
faces. I nodded at her and smiled back before turning my attention
back to the field.

***

We easily won the game—our team was much
better and we proved it. After all the celebrating and
congratulating was done, I headed over to the sideline to grab my
things. Coach Billy approached me and gave me a thump on my
shoulder pads.

I smiled at him. He was one of my favorite
coaches ever, and he sure knew how to make his team win. “Good
game, Coach.”

He nodded, but then his face grew serious.
“You know you’re something special, right?”

“Yeah, but I couldn’t do it without my
team,” I answered, knowing it sounded good to give credit to
everyone else.

“No, that’s not what I mean.” He placed a
hand on each of my shoulders and I realized he was trying to tell
me something important. “Chase, all these boys look up to you. You
could lead them to turn left on a right turn only. That’s a gift
that most men, even at my age, don’t have. People dream of being
able to influence others like that.”

“Thanks, Coach. You’ve been a role model to
me,” I replied, not sure what the appropriate response was to
this.

“One more thing. I want you to know there’s
something else you have,” he added with tears coming to his eyes.
“You have the gift to make others love and respect you, no matter
the age difference; and you have drive. If there’s something you
want, you go and get it; even if things don’t fall your way, you
always go after and get what you want. Remember that; and use it to
make good in the world and touch the lives of those around
you.”

He patted me, again, on the shoulder, then
turned around and left. I stood there, watching after him, unable
to say a word.

“Mr. Walker? Mr. Walker?” I heard a soft
female voice calling to me and I glanced around. Suddenly I felt
dizzy and everything got brighter. I blinked several times, trying
to adjust to the glare. A nurse’s face swam into focus and, after a
moment of confusion, I remembered my surgery. I must’ve been
dreaming.

“Yeah, yeah. I’m awake,” I replied, my voice
sounding hoarse and scratchy, as if I was just waking up first
thing in the morning.

I glanced around the room and saw Brittney
sitting in a chair beside me with a slight smile on her face.

“How long have you been here?” I added.

“Long enough to here you tell us a story
about talking to someone named Coach Billy. Don’t you
remember?”

Coach Billy? I’d been talking out loud?
Well, that was embarrassing.

“Can we please just go home?” I asked in a
pleading voice. I wanted to share some things about that dream with
her, but there was a pain in my head that was quickly growing. I
needed to get out of here.

I sat up and swung a leg off the bed, trying
to stand, only to be tackled down by both the nurse and
Brittney.

“Mr. Walker! What on earth are you doing?”
The nurse screamed loud enough to make it feel like an atom bomb
had gone off inside my brain.

“I’m ready to leave. Sorry, I forgot I still
need to use my crutches.”

“You may be ready to go, but there are still
a few things we need to do before you can—like take your I.V. out
and get another set of vitals. Now just lay back and relax for a
few more minutes. And when you
do
leave, it will be in
wheelchair, not on crutches.”

“This is such bullshit,” I grumbled under my
breath as I leaned back against the pillow. I hated having to be
taken care of; and unfortunately, I knew this was just the
beginning.

***

“Morning, babe.”

I cracked an eyelid and saw Brittney walking
into the room carrying a delicious looking plate of eggs, bacon,
and toast. I was immediately grateful for all the cooking shows
she’d been into watching lately. Her cooking had greatly improved
in just the last few days. Gone were the prepackaged or boxed meals
she and Tana had often prepared for Brett and I during college. She
was making a valiant effort to improve and I appreciated it.

“Morning, hun,” I replied, my eyes not even
fully open. I stretched and yawned widely, trying to push past the
hazy mind inflicted by my pain meds, before sitting up and leaning
back against the pillows.

She sat the food on the nightstand and
straightened up, eyeing me with a concerned look. “Do you want to
eat alone?” she asked softly.

“Stay. I have some stuff I feel I should
tell you.” I patted the spot on the bed next to me. She didn’t
reply, but came and sat down. I noticed the small worry lines on
her brow. “So, you said you heard me talking about my coach in the
recovery room. What did I say?”

She gave a smirk when she realized this was
what I wanted to speak to her about. She loved talking to me about
my past—or anything really—which was good, since I didn’t have a
whole lot to keep me occupied.

“Well, you said something about him telling
you how you’re a leader and you get what you want.”

I nodded. “Okay. Do you mind if I get a few
things off my chest?” I didn’t look at her when I asked, but I
could feel her stare on the side of my face.

“You know you can tell me anything.”

“Well, I’m not really asking for an answer
to any of this, mostly just giving voice to some things that have
been stressing me out.” I took a moment to think about what I
wanted to say. “It’s true, I was able to get pretty much anything I
wanted when I was growing up. It didn’t matter if it was an A in a
class, or being the teacher’s favorite student while, at the same
time, still being loved by the rest of my classmates. I had it easy
and everyone followed my lead, whether good or bad.

“When things got rough for me, I led some of
my friends down the wrong road, into things like drugs. I’ll never
forgive myself for that, but I made up my mind to get away from it.
Now, that was something that didn’t come easy,” I added, as I
turned to face her.

She reached out and placed her hand on mine.
I could see the moisture in her eyes. “Please keep going.”

“Nikki.” I managed to choke out before tears
of my own started running down my face. “I don’t understand how the
one thing I really had to work for ended up being the one thing
that was taken away practically the instant I got it. If God is
real, and He gave me the gift of having the biggest heart under my
thick skin, why would he take away what I loved most?” I could
barely talk past the knot in my throat and I wondered if I was even
making any sense to her. I only knew I needed to talk to her about
it.

She squeezed my fingers tighter. “I don’t
have an answer for that.” I stared at her wet cheeks, knowing she
had to be wondering why I was always thinking of Nikki, but I
couldn’t help it. It seemed like everything always boiled down to
that moment in time.

“I’ve always wished it was me who was inside
the car that night. I’m the one who deserved to die after hurting
the lives of my friends around me. Would it really have been so
bad? I’d be with my dad, watching over you, Brett, and Nikki. She’d
be alive—she’d have a life.”

“She’s always watching over you, Chase. I’m
sure of it. She loved you a lot.”

“Do you still love me?” I asked, hearing the
note of fear in my own voice.

She leaned over and wrapped her arms around
me, burying her face against my neck. “I’ll love you until the day
I die. There’s no one else for me.”

I returned her embrace, slowly exhaling the
breath I’d been holding. I didn’t want to lose her too; but I could
only think that my life was somehow getting away from me, spinning
out of my control. I didn’t know what to do about it or how to
accurately share how I felt. Everything came out jumbled when I
tried to explain.

She didn’t release me; instead, she held on
to me for several long moments. “I love you, Chase,” she said
again, pulling away to look me in the eye. “I mean it.”

I nodded. “I know you do.”

We stared at each other a few seconds longer
and I stroked a hair away from her face.

“Are you going to eat your breakfast? I got
up early just so I could make you that before I had to leave.” She
gave me a sweet smile.

“Did you now?” I responded with a grin,
sliding my hand stealthily down her back. I grabbed her extremely
ticklish side and she screamed, pushing away from me so fast she
almost knocked herself off the bed.

I laughed and grabbed her again, dragging
her back over to my lap. She squealed and thrashed about, trying to
get away, but I held on to her tightly.

“Chase! Stop! Oh, please, stop!” she yelled
bucking back against me and, in the process, her foot landed in a
hard hit against my knee, sending a huge pain clear up my leg and
into my spine.

I groaned loudly and loosened my hold on
her. Immediately she flipped around in my arms grabbing my face in
her hands. “Baby, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you. Are you
okay?”

She stared worriedly at me and I took a deep
breath as the worst of the pain subsided.

“You’re fine. It’s a long way from my
heart.”

She gave me a puzzled look and I chuckled,
grabbing and tickling her again. She laughed hard, trying to get
away, but making sure to stay clear of my knee. When she finally
realized I wasn’t going to let her go, she collapsed against me,
breathing heavily.

“I’ve missed you. We haven’t had a
connection like this in a while.” She went from laughing to serious
in a matter of seconds.

I knew I needed to answer her, that she
wanted some comfort, but I wasn’t sure what to say.

“I’m sorry I’ve been distant,” I finally
replied, giving her a squeeze. “Give me time. I’m trying.”

She stroked my arms for a few moments before
she gently untangled herself from me. “It’s time for me to go.
Legal aid waits for no one. Is there anything I can get you before
I leave?” She smiled happily at me and I knew these few minutes,
together, had been good for both of us.

“Can you get me two more of those pain
killers?” I asked, knowing it wasn’t time for more yet, but my knee
was really starting to throb.

She looked at me with concern. “You’ve taken
your last two doses too early already. I don’t think that’s good
for you,” She replied, slowly handing them to me.

“Yeah, I guess you’re right, babe. You go
ahead and leave for work. I’ll just sink back into my little drug
coma.” I winked and smiled, trying to not let her know how bad my
leg was hurting. I couldn’t let her feel any worse than she already
did. “Thanks for breakfast.” I traveled my gaze hungrily over her,
wishing I could keep her here. “You look gorgeous today, by the
way.”

She flashed me her five star smile before
leaning over and kissing me. “I love you,” she said as she left the
room.

“I love you too,” I called after her. “I’ll
text you when I wake up.”

A deep sigh escaped me when I heard the
front door close. I was ready to get over this surgery and on with
my life. The real question was, what life? Mine was ruined forever,
it seemed.

Chapter Six

The ride home from my post surgery follow-up
appointment was silent. Brittney didn’t talk and I had no urge to
say anything, both of us absorbing the news the doctor had given
us.

I needed another operation.

Apparently my surgeon felt the pins used to
secure my shin together weren’t holding it well enough. He wanted
to go back in and add plates to it for extra stabilization.

This news had me extremely discouraged. I
was starting to wonder if all this was going to work out. Instead
of moving forward, I was being sent back to the beginning, and it
sucked.

Movies I’d seen of people who’d overcome
great odds and strengthened their relationships with those around
them popped into my mind. Those suddenly seemed like fake,
Hollywood-rigged stories. I couldn’t seem to make any progress, and
my internal struggles were making things between Brittney and me
strained, to say the least. I couldn’t lose her, too, but I was
afraid I would. My fears were speaking loudly to me, telling me
there was no way to hang onto the things I loved the most.

We arrived at home and Brittney helped me
into the house. I headed straight for the couch, settling myself
there in a slouch, staring at the blank television screen.

Brittney stood there watching me for a
moment before setting her purse down. “Chase, I know something is
bothering you, but I can’t help you fix things if you won’t talk to
me.” She looked me in the eyes, her expression concerned, but
hopeful.

I was actually glad she brought up the
subject. “Well . . . .” I wasn’t sure where to start. I knew she
was suffering too, and I didn’t want to say anything that might
make her feel like I was pushing her away. “I honestly don’t know
where I am in life anymore, babe. Nothing is turning out the way I
planned—even this damn surgery isn’t going right.” I sighed heavily
and ran a hand over my face. “It’s just starting to seem like . . .
too much. I feel like I’m just existing—floating out there
somewhere without a clue of what to do.”

She grabbed my hand and squeezed it. “Chase,
I’ll always be here for you and you know that,” she responded
seriously.

“I appreciate that, and I know this has been
hard for you, because I’m not always good about sharing things.
It’s the only way I really know how to deal with hardships. I’ve
always retracted inside myself when life got tough.

“After Nikki died, I really pulled away from
everyone. It was easier for me to nurse my wounds alone, it seemed.
I couldn’t face the looks everyone gave me when they saw me—those
well meaning, but pathetic stares that said, “Gee, we’re so sorry
your life sucks.”

“I’ve tried not to pull away from you, this
time, because I do love you and if I lost you, it would kill me.
But it’s been hard—really hard. I mean, look at my life! Where am I
supposed to go from here? What am I supposed to do? Is this thing
going to get better, or am I going to be some arthritic cripple for
the rest of my life?”