Change of Life (21 page)

She shook her head, stroked my face. “No, I’m sorry, son. I didn’t know what to think. I shouldn’t have doubted you, but you seemed to be avoiding the subject of Robbie’s paternity – so I did wonder.” She looked stricken and, suddenly, old and tired. I could see what the effort of asking had cost her.

I embraced her, held her very tight, angry at myself for causing this wonderful, caring woman a moment’s pain. What a guy – first my wife, now my mother.

“Oh, Ma,” I said. “I wasn’t avoiding the question of who fathered Robbie. It’s just that I don’t know the answer. I don’t think Heather knew – you know what she was – what she did to get money…”

“Yes, but you said she was clean by the time she was pregnant, so why-”

“Why still sell
herself
? I don’t know why - or if. I only know she wouldn’t say who Robbie’s father was and he certainly wasn’t around by the time she told me of the pregnancy.”

“And wanting you to be there – at the birth – why you, Tom?

“I’m not sure – I was a link to Rosie, to her family – I was someone she trusted –the only person she could ask…” I shrugged.

My mother nodded. She looked pensive, taking it all in.

I stood up. “I need to get back, Ma. Thanks for listening. You look tired out. I’m sorry.”

She stood up too. “I’m fine, darling – don’t be sorry.” She had tears in her eyes. “I’m your mother and I’m here for you. I’ll do whatever I can to help – you know that don’t you?”

I swallowed hard. “Yes, Ma, I know.”

A little while later I drove home. I thought about everything my mother had said. Talking it all through with her had helped.

I could see I needed to back off from Rosie, no matter how much I craved to be with her. No matter how much I wanted to gather her up, bring her home and make her better.

I could see the children needed me, and would need me even more once they knew how ill their mother was. No matter that I didn’t know how to be there for them.

I could also see I had to rebuild my relationship with Adam. No matter that I didn’t know where to start.

I could see I had to accept Robbie. No matter that accepting Robbie meant facing up to my guilt.

But the hardest realisation was that while the identity of Robbie’s real father remained unknown, I would continue to be the prime suspect as far as Rosie was concerned. My mother believed my denial, but she was my mother. Rosie was a different matter. The way she felt about me, she was going to need proof. I’d need to be much closer to Robbie before I could ask him to take a DNA test – even then I couldn’t imagine how I’d broach the subject. No – unless, by some miracle, his real father came forward, I would probably remain in the frame for some considerable time to come.

Chapter Twenty Two

When I got home from my mother’s, Sam and Jenny were in the kitchen. Sam was once again sorting through laundry. Jenny was chopping vegetables. She looked so like Rosie that, for a heart-stopping, breath-robbing moment, I thought it
was
Rosie.

“Hi, Dad.”
Sam and Jenny spoke together, as I walked in.

“Hello, you two, how’s things? Is Max back?”

“Things are okay,” said Sam. Max is watching telly in the front room.”

“Did you see Adam? Is he coming back?” Jenny asked.

“I saw him, but he’s not ready to come home. He’s going to stay at Ruby’s for a while. He says he’s not coming back until Mum comes home and Robbie’s gone away.

“Oh, Dad.”
Jenny gave a sob. “I want him home. I miss him so much. I miss Mum. I wish Mum was here. I wish Adam was here.”

I went to her and put my arms round her. She cried into my chest. I kissed her hair and found I was stroking her, just as my mother had done for me earlier.

“Oh, Jen,” said Sam. She came over and hugged Jenny’s back. Then Sam looked at me. “How did you get on telling Mum about Adam?”

Jenny stepped back and looked at me too. “Yes, what did she say?” Sam put an arm round Jenny’s shoulder.

At this point Max appeared in the kitchen. “Hi, Dad,” he said. He looked at his sisters and then back at me. “What’s wrong with them?” he said.

“Come and sit down – all of you,” I said. Once we were all seated round the table, I told Max what I’d told the girls about Adam and then I told them that, yes, I’d seen Rosie and told her what was happening.

“Did Mum say she’d come home to wait for Adam?” Max asked. “Adam would like it if Mum was here when he comes back.”

Seeing Max being so brave – not saying outright that he wanted Rosie at home for his own sake – it really choked me up. “Mum will speak to you on Saturday, when you go to see her. She’ll explain her plans to you all then,” I replied. “And I’m sure it won’t be long before Adam comes home.”

“Is Adam coming with us to see Mum?” Jenny asked.

I took a deep breath before I answered. “Well - no – he isn’t. He doesn’t feel able to see Mum at the moment.” My heart sank as I looked at the children’s faces. It sank even more as I thought that Adam would still have to be told about Rosie’s cancer, especially once the others knew. But that was a bridge I’d think about crossing later.

I stood up. “Come here, you three,” I said. They came into my outstretched arms and we all hugged for a long moment. As we hugged I promised myself that I was going to do whatever it took to get Adam and Rosie back home – even if that meant simply waiting. In the meantime, my role as a father was going to have to change.

As we stepped back from each other I said, “Right come on, Maxy – I’ll take you on at Monster Rumble while the girls get the dinner ready.”

“Cool,” said Max. He’d been asking me for ages to play this new game he had for his PlayStation. I’d always been too busy. Sam and Jenny didn’t actually say anything, but I did hear a gasp from one of them and I know a look was exchanged.

“We’ll clear up after dinner,” I said over my shoulder, as Max and I left the kitchen. “Come on, Max, run for it!”

Although I wanted to appear light-hearted to the children, especially for Max’s sake, I’d reached some important decisions. My family was falling apart and doing nothing was not an option.

Later, while we were eating, Jenny told me she’d invited Robbie round for dinner the next night. She looked at me tentatively, probably unsure how I’d react, probably expecting me to make an excuse not to be there. I was surprised to find I was glad he was coming. Yes, I knew if I was to have any hope of getting Rosie back, I had to accept and get to know Robbie. But it wasn’t just that. In spite of everything that had happened since he’d come into our lives, I wanted to know him better for me and for him. I wanted a relationship with him for its own sake. I further surprised myself by saying I would cook dinner the following evening.

“Do you know how to cook, Dad?” Max asked, when I blurted out my intention.

“Yes – of course I do!” I spoke with more conviction than I actually felt. All three children looked sceptical. “I’m not completely useless, you know. I’m going to do more round here from now on. I’ll show you - I’m perfectly capable.”

“I can manage, Dad,” said Sam. “Ruby and I are keeping on top of things.”

“I know you are, love. You’re doing a great job but you shouldn’t have to do quite so much. No, Jenny did the dinner this evening – great stir fry – by the way Jen – and Max is helping with Toby’s walks and looking after Adam’s fish – which is good too. The school holidays start at the end of next week so I think we should get a rota going – all pitch in even more – take some of the load off you, Sam.”

Max looked even more sceptical, but Jenny nodded in agreement.

“Okay,” said Sam. “I know I wasn’t keen at first, but I haven’t actually minded
- and
you are paying me.”

“I know,” I said, “but I want to do more and you’re going off to uni in the autumn.”

“But surely Mum will back before then, won’t she?” Jenny said anxiously.

I was acutely aware, of course, that the children didn’t know yet about Rosie being ill and that even if she was home, which I really didn’t dare believe would be the case, she wouldn’t be up to doing all she used to. I tried to sound upbeat.

“Well, I hope so, of course, but even if she is I want to show her that we – that I - am serious about changing my ways and not letting her get so exhausted in future. So I’ll start by doing dinner tomorrow night. And now Max and I are going to get this lot cleared away – you two can go and relax.”

“So, has Mum gone away,” Max said, as we stacked the dishwasher, “not just because she’s cross with you about Robbie – but because we’ve all made her too tired? Is she angry with us, with me? And if you have Robbie round for dinner and are nice to him and I do more to help in the house, she’ll come home?”

I can hardly describe what it was like to hear Max say those things. I felt sad that he thought any of this mess was down to him and exasperated with myself for not reassuring him sooner. I hugged him to me.

“Mum didn’t go away because of anything you, or your brother or sisters, did or didn’t do. She loves you and she misses you. She just needs a break, like she said, and yes, she needs me to be nice to be Robbie because she wants him to feel welcome in our family. It’s me, Max – it’s me that needs to be more of a help to Mum and I’m going to be – with you and the girls to help me - I’m going to be. You’ll see her on Saturday and she’ll explain a bit more about why she needs some time away. But I promise you, none of it’s your fault, Maxy.” He hugged me even harder.

He looked up at me while still holding me tightly. “Are you and Mum going to get a divorce? Ben, at school – his dad left his mum because she was very angry with his dad and told him to get out the house. His mum told Ben none of it was Ben’s fault and they both loved him, but they still got divorced.”

I was really struggling now. “No, Max, me and Mum are not planning to get a divorce. I love your mum very much. You’re not to worry.” I was trying so hard not to lie to him, but I also wanted to comfort him and to offer him hope. However, I wasn’t at all sure that Rosie was going to come back. I was afraid Max would see this in my face. I pressed him to me. At last I managed to speak. “Now come on, you’ve got to finish beating me at Monster Rumble.”

Later, after Max and the girls had gone off to bed, I went through to the den. Toby followed me. I poured myself
a large
malt and paused by my i-pod, which was sitting on its dock on my desk. I selected the Dylan collection – I always found Bob to be the perfect background when I wanted to think. I settled on the sofa with Toby at my feet and, as the music played, I reflected on the day’s events.

I tried to go with the positives – I was beginning to get my priorities sorted, I was going to get to know Robbie, I was going to be there for my children.

But it wasn’t long before Rosie filled my thoughts. Rosie had cancer. I was probably going to lose her whether or not she came home. Confronting this was agony, so I suppressed all thoughts of my poor, darling wife.

Instead I recalled being with Ma that afternoon. Her wisdom and compassion were amazing and it was painful to admit that, yes, I hadn’t appreciated her up till now either.

I also wondered what Adam was doing that night and prayed that he’d be okay and come home soon. I did have a bit of a smile again, when I remembered him explaining how he’d headed for a safe place and about him quoting Ruby’s remark about her family and keys – verbatim. I felt such love for my lad, and such admiration when I thought how difficult he found life at times. I’d let him down. I wanted him home. I wanted to see him attending to his fish, poring over his car magazines, playing with Toby, playing his brother at Monster Rumble, watching the Moto GP and Formula One on Sunday lunchtime television, chatting, as animatedly as Adam ever did, with my brother Dan about motor bikes over Sunday lunch. I wanted to see him struggling to concentrate, and running his hand through his hair, as Rosie tried to help him with his homework at the kitchen table. Toby put his head on my knee, as if he knew I was thinking about Adam.