Change of Life (20 page)

“I know,” she said. “I know you don’t agree. And I know he was very mistaken in the way he showed his love - God knows I do – that’s why I left him, you know that. But I’ve always believed he only wanted to protect us – like you want to protect your family. I’ve said before – you should read his diaries. It helped me and Dan to understand him and to forgive him.” I shook my head again. I couldn’t talk about my father at this moment. My mother could see that and she let it go.

“But you’re not like him, Tom – not in the way you fear. Heather put you in a difficult position. But perhaps you should’ve told Rosie about Robbie later, when she was strong again.”

“Yes, perhaps. But the time never seemed right. And I suppose I didn’t want to risk knocking Rosie back. As time went on it was just easier not to say anything.”

“Did you not foresee that Robbie might take matters into his own hands?”

“Yes, sort of, I suppose. I forgot all about the letter that I sent his adoptive parents at the time of the adoption, which meant he could get hold of my name. I really thought he’d have to go through the agency to get any information and that I’d get some warning. But I also thought - or hoped - that he might not bother us at all. After all we’re not his parents.”

My mother took my hand once more and said very gently, “Rosie thinks you might be Robbie’s parent.”

“She really did tell you everything, didn’t she?

“Rosie thinks you were attracted to Heather. She thinks there’s more to your motives for secrecy than being protective.”

“Of course I found Heather attractive-she was Rosie’s twin – and yes, she was an edgier, more dangerous version of Rosie and that had its attractions – at least it did before the heroin took its toll – even Dan had a thing for her for a while, or thought he did – before he came out - remember?”

“Yes, yes I do. Poor Dan – he was so confused – he went through agonies. But there’s more to the story about Robbie - isn’t there?

“Oh yes, there’s more,” I said. “And, if I’m honest, the other part is the major reason why I didn’t tell Rosie. It scared Heather enough that she killed herself.”

“So – tell me, tell me the rest.”

I shook my head. “I don’t know if I can Ma, or even if I should.”

“Do you mean because of Rosie – because she should hear it first?”

“Yes, I suppose so – oh, I don’t know – it’s all such a mess – Robbie, me, Heather’s death...”

“Tell me what you can, tell me whatever you can share – it might help you to begin to sort out the mess. You were obviously in touch with Heather at the time of Robbie’s birth. How did that come about? Weren’t she and Rosie estranged by then?”

“Yes, they were. I wasn’t in touch with her much, just called occasionally. I sort of wanted to keep an eye on her, for Rosie and her dad as much as anything. They’d had to cut off contact, to protect
themselves
. They couldn’t take any more. They told her to stop calling or visiting – said they wanted no more to do with her. But it was hard for them. Then, even Michael stopped seeing her. His wife made him promise he’d stay away from Heather. In the end he broke his promise to Adele – it was one of the things that led to their marriage breaking up.”

“Oh really?”

“It wasn’t the only reason - but it didn’t help when things were already strained. Adele was scared of Heather. You must remember how Heather was. By the mid eighties, she was funding her addiction any way she could - it wasn’t pretty. She’d turn up on Michael’s doorstep, when he lived in Edinburgh, demanding money, making threats.”

“No wonder Adele was scared.”

“Quite. Heather used to turn up at our house too. On one occasion she arrived in a very bad way. She stole Rosie’s purse along with her engagement ring and some other bits of jewellery. It was when Rosie was expecting Sam – just a few days before her mum died. Rosie was devastated by the theft. Remember Rosie had the threatened miscarriage when Nancy died –I’m sure what Heather did was at least part of the reason too.

My mother nodded. “No wonder her family got to breaking point.”

“Rosie and her dad and Michael were amazingly loyal to Heather. But there was really no doubt that all the worry contributed to Nancy’s death – she didn’t get help for her own health in time because she was too busy trying to get help for Heather. Then, when Rosie’s mum was in the hospice and asking for Heather, she failed to turn up - even after she promised Rosie she’d come and say goodbye to their mother.”

“Anyway, when Rosie confronted Heather about the theft, she begged Rosie not to report it. She said she’d been desperate and it was steal or go with some guy for money. Addicts are very manipulative – you know that, Ma – you must have dealt with some in your time at the surgery.”

“Yes, indeed.”

“Rosie had to tell her it was the end of the road. She said to Heather that she was to stop contacting the family or she’d report her to the police. Having to do that and deal with her mother’s death – it tore Rosie apart.”

“I didn’t know about the theft, but I do remember that Heather broke everyone’s hearts – Rosie’s, Michael’s, her poor parents. What a waste. And she was a talented girl - she could’ve been a successful artist, couldn’t she?

“Yes, she could have. And I think that when the family cut her off, it shocked her – really got to her.”

“And you kept an eye on her. Even after all she’d done. That was an incredibly good thing to do.”

“Not really, Ma. Heather was Rosie’s other half – more than a sister – a soul mate - and Rosie
was
grieving for her – even before Heather died. And I could remember Heather before the drugs took hold – when we were all students. She was as lovely as Rosie. I wanted to help her, but I really didn’t know how. I actually asked Dan for some advice at the time.”

“Professional advice, you mean?”

“Yes, well, having a psychiatrist for a brother – it made sense to at least ask. He went with me to see Heather a couple of times.”

“Did Dan know about Robbie?”

“No, the visits were before she was pregnant. The first Dan knew about Robbie was last month – like the rest of you.”

“But Dan couldn’t help Heather with her addiction?”

“No –not immediately, anyway – maybe some of what he said got through to her – made some sense – I don’t know.”

“I suppose Heather had to want to help Heather.”

“Yes – and in the end that’s what she decided to do – to help herself. It was at the beginning of 1987. She had a new GP. She was living in the
Muirhouse
area by then - where most of the city’s intravenous heroin users were living - but there was also a lot of good work going on in the area to help addicts get clean. So she got herself onto a rehab programme that was funded by a local charity. And, amazingly, she did it, kicked the drugs,
got
herself sorted out. She’d never be how she was before the heroin, but she looked well and said she felt great. By the time she found out she was pregnant, near the end of that year, she’d been clean for months.”

“And how did she feel about the pregnancy?”

“Oh, at first she was thrilled. She had plans for herself and the baby. She had a little flat by then. Her social worker said she would be supervised at first, but that if she stayed clean and showed herself to be a competent mother, she would be able to keep the baby. She asked me to be with her at the birth and I was.”

My mother raised her eyebrows at this, but didn’t say anything.

“She called the baby James, after her father – the Sutherlands must have changed his name – anyway she seemed fine – seemed happy to be a mother and to be coping.”

“So, what changed?”

I shook my head. I couldn’t speak. I put my face in my hands and took a deep breath. “Let’s just say there was a complication – something she – we - knew was a possibility – and the fear of it destroyed her. She called me after she took the overdose. She said she’d decided that the baby would be better off without her. Of course I rushed to the flat – I got Michael to come with me – told him everything on the way – forced the poor guy to break his promise to Adele – but it felt like the right thing to do. Anyway, we were too late. She was dead when we got there.”

“Poor girl…”

“I would never have guessed, before that day, that she’d kill herself. But I knew when she phoned that she meant it. She made sure Robbie was okay and that he’d be found quickly - but not too soon. She didn’t want to be rescued. She loved Robbie. I thought she’d rise above her fears – stick around for his sake. I should’ve made sure we didn’t leave her alone. I should’ve involved Michael sooner. We could’ve done more.”

“You couldn’t be there all the time. And Rosie was ill - you had to cope with that
and
your baby twins
and
a toddler. You’re not to blame, Tom.”

“Maybe not – but Michael thought we were to blame – me and him. He blamed me for not telling him about the pregnancy and the rest of it. He blamed himself for not staying in touch with her. We fell out over it all. Then he went to Australia and Rosie lost her brother too.”

“Tom, you were in an impossible situation. You didn’t have to get involved at all, but you did. Besides, you can’t change any of it now. Robbie’s been brought up by good people who love him. He seems to be a good lad from what I’ve heard. And now he’s found Rosie – is it not time to sort it all out – to tell Rosie how it was for Heather at the end, how it was for you?”

“Yes, but how – how do I do that, Ma? I haven’t exactly been welcoming to Robbie. Rosie is so angry with me – and on top of everything else she thinks I’ve driven Adam away. And – then there’s the cancer too. Where exactly would I start trying to sort it all out? Where would I start, Ma?”

She put her arms round me. She stroked my back, like when I was a child. “Give it time, son. Give it time,” she said. She sat back but kept her hands on my arms. “Rosie has the cancer to fight and she wants to do it her way. You need to concentrate on the children – all of them – Robbie and Adam included. They’re all going to need you. Ease up on Adam. Make sure he knows he can come back any time. That’s the best way to support Rosie now. Keep the rest of the family together, Tom, and wait for Rosie to come to you when she’s ready.”

I nodded. “I’m scared, Ma. I’m scared Rosie won’t survive. I’m scared she’ll never forgive me. I’m scared I can’t put things right with Adam – like it was with Dad and me. I just want it all to go away, to go back to normal.”

“I know son. I know.”

My mother took my hand in hers. As she did so she glanced away, just for a moment, seeming to consider something.

“What, Ma? What are you thinking?”

She gazed into my eyes, as if trying to figure something out. Then she said it.

“I’m sorry, Tom. I accept you can’t tell me the whole story of what happened, but I have to ask – if I’m going to help you – I need to know…”

I realised what was coming before she spoke the words. I was already shaking my head as she continued.

“Are you – that is – is there a possibility that you are – you could be Robbie’s father?

“No!” I pulled my hand away from hers and stood up. “No, no
no
!”

Even though my mother’s tone was far from the accusing one Rosie had used, it hurt just as much that she doubted me.

I put my hands behind my head, looked up at the ceiling,
closed
my eyes, breathed deeply. There was a sound – something between a groan and a whimper. I realised it came from me.

“Tom, are you all right?” My mother looked worried.

I went back to sit beside her. Now it was my turn to take her hand.

“Sorry, Ma, I didn’t mean to alarm you. It’s just – it hurts – that you – that Rosie…” The pain and frustration of not being able to prove my innocence was almost intolerable. But the question had to be answered. “There’s no chance - I didn’t sleep with Heather. I’m not Robbie’s father. I’ve never cheated on Rosie. I wouldn’t - I couldn’t, you must know that, Ma.”