Change of Life (15 page)

I looked around the kitchen. I thought how I’d miss this room while I was away. I loved our home, but I especially loved the kitchen. It was a large, square space. My grandmother’s dresser stood at one end. In the centre was our big, old table. I ran my hand along its pine top. I knew how it had acquired all of its scars. I thought about all the meals we’d eaten there, noisy birthday teas, leisurely Sunday lunches with extended family and friends, but most of all just the six of us, together, dining, day in, day out.

I decided to make two pizzas and a big, mixed salad for dinner. Jenny came through and offered to help. It was as well she did. My anticipation of seeing Robbie again was intense, and my hands were shaking so much as I chopped the vegetables that I cut myself.

Jenny took the knife from me. “It’ll be all right, Mum. You’ll like Robbie and he’ll like you.”

I could only nod and smile.

We had just finished getting the pizzas assembled and ready for the oven when the door bell rang. I jumped. Toby barked. Jenny shouted at the dog to shut up as she went to let Robbie in.

My heart started to race and my skin turned clammy. I leant on the table. Jenny reappeared in the kitchen doorway. She beckoned to Robbie who was hanging back.

“Come in,” she said, stepping aside to let him into the kitchen. She smiled at me and closed the door behind her as she left.

Robbie was holding a bunch of flowers and a bottle of wine. He looked as tense as I felt.

“Hello, Robbie, how
are
you? I’m so glad you could come,” I said, cringing at how formal I sounded.

“Hi, I’m fine. Thank you for inviting me. These are for you,” he replied. “My mum said I should bring something and she thought these would be suitable.”

“Thanks, your mum was right, they’re most acceptable.” I laid the flowers and wine on the table without looking at them. I couldn’t take my eyes off him.

I sat down at the table. “Please, sit down,” I said, indicating the chair opposite me. “How was your mum – about you coming here I mean – today and the other night?”

“Well - she was furious I’d made contact in the way I did. She says she’s really embarrassed. But she was glad you wanted to see me and was fine about today. She’d like to meet you – when you’re ready, that is.”

I was so relieved Robbie’s mother didn’t mind me getting to know him. It underlined just how much he meant to me already.

“I’d like to meet her too,” I said. “And tell her she mustn’t be embarrassed about what you did. I’m glad you made contact, Robbie. It was a shock for all of us. I’m sorry if we didn’t behave very well.”

“How is Mr McAllister now? And
Adam,
how is he about all of this? I feel bad about Adam and you…” he paused and looked uncertain, as if searching for the words.

“You mean me slapping Adam? Don’t feel bad. It’s me who should be ashamed
- and
I am. I have never hit any of my children - ever. But I couldn’t bear to hear him being so disrespectful about Heather - about your mother - your birth mother. I’ve apologised to him.”

“And how is he now - about me being here?”

“Adam takes time to get used to things, Robbie. He needs routine and predictability otherwise he gets quite distressed. He hates surprises and some of his social skills – well – he thinks differently from most of us about relating to other people.”

“He sounds like Craig –a mate of mine at school – he’s got special needs – so they say, but to me he’s just Craig.”

“And Adam’s just Adam.”
I smiled. “He will get used to you. He’s working this evening – he has a weekend job at the karting centre
- so
you’ll not see him this time.”

“And Mr McAllister?”

“He’s out too I’m afraid.” I didn’t want to say I’d no idea where Tom was. “He’s had a lot longer than the rest of us to get used to the idea of you. But he’s in shock that we all know about you now - and that we know he kept your existence secret.”

“He probably had his reasons, Mrs McAllister.”

“Yes, he probably did.” But I didn’t want to dwell on Tom or his reasons. “Can you please stop calling me Mrs McAllister,” I continued. “I’m your auntie – I’m Rosemary – but most folk call me Rosie. How does calling me Rosie sound?”

“It sounds good – Rosie.” We smiled at each other. Robbie leaned back and stretched his arms in front of him. His hands rested on the table. I leaned forward and put a hand on one of his. Our fingers interlocked. We remained like that, for I don’t know how long, looking into each other’s eyes, both of us searching.

In the end it was me who spoke first. “I’m being very rude,” I said, patting his hand and pulling away slightly. “Can I get you a coke or a coffee - or anything?”

“No, thanks, I’m fine.” He shook his head. He looked awkward again. “Are you still angry with Mr McAllister?”

“Yes, Robbie, I am a bit. Yes, he probably had his reasons for not telling me about you, but I can’t help being angry with him for what he’s done – keeping us apart.” I wanted to be honest with Robbie, but I also wanted to reassure him. “But you and me - we’re not apart now.”

“No we’re not.” He smiled. “There’s so much I’d like to ask you. But Mum said I was to take it easy and not rush you.”

“Your mum sounds like a wise woman. There’s a lot I want to tell you, Robbie – about your birth mother, and about your grandparents and your uncle Michael – but there’s plenty time. However, there’s one thing I’d like to tell you now, and that’s about my immediate plans.”

So I told Robbie about my intention to move out. I emphasised that it wasn’t his fault I was leaving home for a while. I did my best to explain my reasons.

If he was surprised by this announcement, or unconvinced by my explanation, he didn’t show it. I also told him that Tom and the children knew what I was planning, but I didn’t mention how Adam or Tom had reacted. I was telling him how much I hoped he’d visit me at the flat, when the kitchen door opened and Max came in.

“Hi,
cousin
Robbie,” Max said, only a little shyly. “Oh cool, pizzas,” he added, eyeing them up. “When will they be ready?”

“Hiya, Max.” Robbie smiled broadly.

“We’ll eat in about half an hour,” I said. “Take Robbie through to the living room, Max, and I’ll give you a shout when everything’s ready.

While the pizzas were cooking, the storm that had been threatening for the last few hours finally got started. The thunder was almost simultaneous with the lightning and rain hurled down. I opened the door to the garden and stood in the doorway for a minute or two, breathing in the refreshed air.

I was putting the finishing touches to the salad when Sam came into the kitchen. She seemed uneasy, not quite able to look at me. “Dinner smells good,” she said.

“Yes, it’s pizza.” I wondered what she’d come to say, but I
managed
to keep my voice level, neutral.

“Mum, look - I’m sorry, okay? I’m sorry for what I said before. It was a shock, you saying you’re leaving us – after everything else that’s been happening. I wish you wouldn’t go – I don’t understand why you have to – but I want us to be friends.”

“Come here, you,” I said, holding my arms out towards her. She came to me and we held each other tight. “I’m sorry too. Sorry I upset you, sorry you don’t understand. I love you very much, but this is something I have to do for me. And don’t worry if you feel you can’t do what I asked …”

“Look, if you’re really going through with this – well, I’ll give it a try – you know - doing what I did for Uncle Michael – but I’m not promising anything.”

“Okay, that’s good, Sam.” Again I kept my voice level. “I’m pleased, and if you find it
doesn’t
suit you – that’s fair enough.”

“And what would the pay be?” Sam asked.

I suppressed a smile. “Oh, we can discuss that later,” I replied. “But now could you go and call the others through.”

We were all relaxed with each other as we ate. Max kept us amused. Robbie and the girls talked about their working life at Tesco. They also talked about the exams and their schools and lots of other stuff. I sat quietly for the most part – taking it all in. My children and Heather’s son - all round my table.

But, of course, it wasn’t all of them. My heart ached for Adam. I wanted him to be there and hoped it wouldn’t be too long before he could accept Robbie.

As for Tom - I couldn’t let myself think about him.

We sat at the table for quite a while after we’d finished eating. I told Robbie stories of what the children had been like when they were little. There was a lot of ‘oh Mum
don’t
tell him that’ from the girls, but they did actually seem to enjoy hearing the stories. Robbie seemed to enjoy it too.

But, too soon, it was time for him to go. I was aware the storm had passed and the rain had stopped. Sam said she would run him home to Edinburgh. Jenny said she and Max would clear up the dinner things, much to Max’s disgust.

At the front door, while Sam was backing the car out of the driveway and with Jenny and Max clattering dishes in the background, Robbie and I said our goodbyes. The night air was cool, newly invigorated after the storm.

“Thanks, Rosie,” Robbie said. “I really enjoyed this evening.”

“Come here,” I said. “I hope you’re not too old for a hug from your auntie.” I put my arms out and he did too. It was good to hold him close. “Thanks for coming. I’m sure you probably had better things to do on a Saturday night. Actually I’m surprised the girls didn’t have other plans this evening.”

Robbie laughed, “Oh, they did, but they told me they wouldn’t have missed this for anything - and neither would I.”

“I’ll be in touch soon, after I’ve settled into the flat. We’ll meet up again. Okay?”

“Yes, okay.” He smiled. Then he was off down the steps and into the car.

I’d felt good while Robbie was at the house. The anticipation of him coming and then the visit itself had buoyed me up, dissipated some of my apprehension at what the future might hold. But after he left, everything closed in on me once more. I knew I needed to pack in preparation for my departure the next day but I couldn’t face it right away. I needed to get out of the house, to try to clear my mind and calm the rising panic I was feeling.

So I took Toby for a walk through the quiet and familiar streets of the village. As we wandered along I wondered when I’d next be able to do it, if ever. Not only was my way of life under threat but my very existence was in peril. A huge wave of homesickness, doubt and fear broke over me. I thought I might pass out and had to stop and sit on a low wall at the edge of a garden. Toby put his head in my lap and whimpered. I realised just how utterly terrified I was.

Regret

Tom

Chapter Sixteen

At first, after Rosie left, it was all a bit chaotic. During the first week, Sam was still working at the supermarket and Jenny and Adam were back at school having finished their exams. There was Max to organise and all the household stuff to attend to. I’m ashamed now to admit it, but I didn’t cope at all well.

At first my mother came most days, and sometimes she stayed over. I tried to continue with work as normal, but it quickly became apparent that I couldn’t keep that up. Even once Sam was on hand, and with Ruby and my mother both helping, I still couldn’t really get my head round all the routines and the million little things that Rosie had previously just got on with.

But more than anything I missed Rosie, and no, not only because of the practical stuff. I was bereft, empty, yearning. In those first few weeks without her, I prowled the house late at night, every night, going from room to room, searching.

I never meant for any of it to happen, all the business with Robbie, the way Rosie found out or how I reacted when she did. I’d always just wanted to protect her and the children, to keep them close and safe and well. I wanted to be a better husband and father than my father had been. And I failed miserably.