Change of Life (13 page)

“What?” Adam didn’t sound pleased to be interrupted.

I went in. “Hi, son.”

“Oh, it’s you. I didn’t know you were home.” He was lying on his back on top of the bed. His blind was closed as usual and the only light in his black and white room came from his tropical fish tank. He continued to look at the ceiling.

“Yes, I’m back - obviously.” I felt awkward. I perched at the end of the bed. “I’m so sorry, Adam. I’m sorry I hit you. I’ve never hit any of you. I don’t know what came over me. It’s no excuse, but Heather was my sister and I couldn’t bear to hear you talk like that about her. She was more than a pathetic junkie.” I paused, hoping he’d at least look at me. He didn’t. “And I’m sorry I lost it in the kitchen and that you had to find me like that. I’d had an awful day and seeing the mess in the kitchen
- I
just... Please forgive me.” I put my hand on his ankle.

He propped himself up on one elbow and looked at me at last. “No - you shouldn’t have hit me. Okay, I shouldn’t have said that about your sister. It was just - I hate it when things change.”

“I know you do. Robbie appearing was a shock for us all – and it does mean a bit of change and adjustment. But it’s a good sort of a change really, isn’t it – a new cousin? And Robbie seems nice, don’t you think?”

Adam shrugged. “He’s not going to be around much, is he? And Dad doesn’t seem that happy about him.”

“
Dad’ll
get over it. He got a shock too. And I hope Robbie will be around a fair bit. I need – I want to get to know Heather’s son. He’s part of this family.”

“Don’t think I’m going to be happy about it, because I’m not. I just want things to go back to normal, and for you and Dad to be friends again, and for Robbie to go away.”

This was not going to be easy. “Adam, I’ve invited Robbie to come for dinner this evening and I hope you’ll be there. It’ll be easier for you than the other night. Please, give Robbie a chance.”

“No, no. I’m working from five anyway - but even if I wasn’t working, I wouldn’t want to be there. I’d be pretending – pretending to like him, pretending I cared. Anyway, what does Dad think about Robbie coming? Is he going to be there?”

“Well, no, he isn’t actually. He can’t make it either.”

Adam gave a small, disparaging laugh.
“Right.”

“And there’s something else, Adam.”

“What?”

“I’m going to stay in Granddad’s flat for a wee while.”

“Why? What do you mean? How long for? Isn’t there somebody staying there already?”

“Yes – Lucy’s brother is renting it, but he’s away at the moment. I’ve not been feeling too good recently. I’m a bit tired and run down. It’ll only be for a few weeks. I’ve taken time off work and I need a bit of a rest – a break from everything.”

“You can have a break here. We can all help you. Or is it us you want to get away from? Is it me?”

“No, Adam, it’s not you. Of course it’s not you – not any of you. It’s me. I need some space. Grandma and Ruby have said they’ll help out here and I’m going to ask Sam to help too, like she did for Uncle Michael when she was in Australia. And there’s Dad, of course.” I tried to sound positive and upbeat.

But Adam didn’t look reassured. “What does Dad think? Does he want you to go?”

“No, he doesn’t want me to go. But he understands - I think.”

“Yeah, right.”

“Look, you can visit me – drop in after school, have something to eat. It’s really not a big deal, Adam.”

“It is to me.” He put his music back on and I could see there was no point in trying to say any more.

I returned to the kitchen, unsure what to do with myself. Then, with her unerring sense of timing, Lucy phoned. She asked if I’d like to come over to hers for lunch. She said she’d asked Kirsty and that she was already on her way.

Chapter Thirteen

It didn’t take long to drive the few miles along the coast to Lucy’s place near the village of
Aberlady
. We had lunch at Lucy’s garden table. The spell of warm weather was forecast to end with thunderstorms by the evening, so we wanted to make the most of the sun while it shone. It was good to be in the fresh air, tucking into a delicious pasta salad with my two dear friends for company. I could almost believe that the events of the last few days hadn’t happened and, for a little while, the three of us maintained the fragile illusion.

Kirsty chatted about school and Lucy told us how her husband Graham was fretting over the low price their lambs were fetching.

“But you know farming.” Lucy stretched out her arm to indicate the spread of fields, beyond the farmhouse garden, that made up their mixed arable and livestock farm. “It’s one damn crisis after another. We got through BSE and foot and mouth
- and
I suppose we’ll get through this falling price thing too.”

“Of course you will –you two are a strong team,” Kirsty replied. “I don’t know how you run all this with so little help. I suppose it’s a labour of love.”

“I suppose.” Lucy shrugged. “It’s far from idyllic, but I don’t know what else I’d
do,
especially now both the boys are away.”

“They’ll be home soon for the summer, won’t they?” I asked. Both Lucy’s sons were at St Andrews University.

“Yes, I can’t wait, and not just because they’ll be around to help out - although that’ll be handy. Graham and I are hoping to leave the boys in charge and get a few days away to celebrate our thirtieth wedding anniversary.”

“Good heavens,” Kirsty said.
“You two going away together!
That’s a rare event. Where will you go?”

“I don’t actually know. Graham’s organising it. He says it’s a surprise.” Lucy smiled and flushed slightly.

“Oh look at you –blushing –after all this time.
How romantic of you – and Graham!”
Kirsty fluttered her eyelashes and sighed.

“Yeah, yeah,” Lucy answered. “You’re just jealous!”

Kirsty looked serious for a moment. “Yes, I think I am jealous. I’ve had enough of being on my own. It would be nice to have someone to share everything with – the good and the bad – like you and Rosie
have
.” Lucy shifted awkwardly and gave Kirsty a look. Kirsty then looked very uncomfortable. “Shit, I’m sorry, Rosie. That was tactless.”

“No, no, don’t be sorry.” I reached over and touched both of them on the arm. “I don’t want either of you thinking you’ve got to watch what you say around me. And you’re
right,
until quite recently I’d have said Tom and I had a good enough partnership.”

“But not lately, not now?”
Lucy glanced at Kirsty as she spoke. I shook my head and shrugged. Kirsty looked back at Lucy.

“What is it?” I said. “If there’s something you want to say – please say it.” They looked at each other again.

It was Kirsty who answered. “I, that is we, Lucy and I, - we think you shouldn’t delay telling Tom about the cancer – and the kids - you must tell them. We understand how upset you are about the Robbie thing - and there’s no question that Tom could have handled that better. But no matter what you think he’s guilty of – you’re going to need his support – you know – while you’re ill.”

“And what if you’re wrong about Tom – about him being Robbie’s father?” Lucy leaned over and took my hand. “Maybe all he’s guilty of is being a bit misguided, a bit over-protective – is that so awful? If you don’t tell him about the cancer, aren’t you just as guilty of deception?”

Before I could answer, Kirsty spoke. “You can’t keep it a secret once your treatment starts – that’s for sure.”

It was now Lucy and I who exchanged glances. “Ah, well, yes you’re right about it not being an easy secret to keep – at least, not if I was living at home.” I told Kirsty about my decision to go to the flat.

“You really want to do this your way, don’t you?” Kirsty said when I’d finished.

“Yes, I do. I’ll tell Tom and the children – of course I will – but not till I’m ready. I’ll have the surgery on Tuesday-”

Lucy gasped.
“That soon!”

“Yes, that soon. I’m glad to be getting on with it, to be honest. Then I’ll take things from there. I don’t want Tom wading in and taking control – and that would have been the case, even without all the Robbie stuff. And as for the kids – I want to have all the facts ready. I want them to see I’m okay with it all and I’m not yet. And, in the meantime, I’m not alone. I’ve got Evelyn and Ruby – and you two, I hope.”

“Of course,” Lucy said.
“And what about you and Tom, as a couple?”

“Well, as for my marriage – my relationship with Tom – I don’t know. I hope I’m wrong about him being unfaithful – but either way – I don’t know if I want to be with him anymore.” I was surprised to hear myself saying this. I hadn’t realised I actually doubted my long term future with Tom. “It’s not only about Robbie and the cancer. Recently, I’ve realised - oh, I don’t know – things haven’t been right for a while. Nothing major – not like recent events – just a gradual slide. I think our relationship’s been dying of neglect for quite some time.” I looked at my friends’ bewildered faces. “Oh, look, can we talk about something else – please? Let’s leave my sorry life for a while. Can I get us all some coffee?” I made my escape to the kitchen and left the other two to digest what I’d told them.

When I returned, it was Kirsty who moved the conversation into different territory. “So, what’s Rick working on up in Skye?” she asked Lucy, while I poured the coffee.

“It’s mainly
photos -
promotional material for a sound and light show that’s on later in the year, on some mountain side,” Lucy said.

“Oh yes, it’s on the
Storr
. I heard about it,” Kirsty replied.

“But I think he’s doing other general stuff for his portfolio of wildlife and wilderness shots,” Lucy continued. “And, of course, he’ll be fitting in some walking and cycling too.”

“He’s not changed then. Still the action man he was at uni.” Kirsty laughed. “I envy him being up in Skye and all the good walking he’ll be able to do. I don’t get home nearly enough. I’m planning to go up in the summer holidays – I really need to sort out Mum’s house.” Kirsty’s mother had died at the beginning of the year, within a year of Kirsty’s father’s death. “I don’t know if I’d recognise Rick now. Has he changed much?”

“I don’t think he’s changed at all
– like
we haven’t either – in the last thirty years. What do you think, Rosie? You saw him when he took on the flat?”

“Oh, not changed at all – still that weird mix of laid back and manically intense – still tall, dark and handsome – yes, okay – a few laughter lines here and there - but still a good looking guy.”

“Still
fanciable
then?” asked Kirsty.

“Oh yeah!”
I laughed.

“Oh please – you two! That’s my brother you’re talking about!” Lucy made a face of mock disgust.

“He was a heartbreaker when we were all at university,” said Kirsty. Certainly broke your heart, didn’t he, Rosie?”

“That’s right – he loved me and left me. We were together for – nearly a year, I think it was – my first love.”

“And he’s loved them and left them ever since! He’s never settled down. Probably never will.” Lucy shook her head and smiled.

And so our conversation moved along. Kirsty spoke about her daughter’s plans for university the following year and Lucy told us of the latest exploits of her two sons. They were always in scrapes of one sort or another and calling home for rescue or advice or cash. When it was time to leave they both hugged me and didn’t need to say anything. I knew I could depend on both of them.

My positive mood didn’t last long. There were clouds gathering as I drove home and the atmosphere had become close and stifling. The oppressiveness of the weather matched my state of mind. Dark thoughts now overshadowed the cheering effect of the time spent with my friends. I recalled my earlier dispiriting encounters with Tom and Adam. They’d reacted as I’d feared they would when I told them of my decisions. That was depressing enough, but I was also acutely aware I still had to tell the girls about Robbie coming. In an effort to lessen how demoralised I now felt, I clung to the faint hope that Jenny would understand, would be supportive. But Sam was less predictable. I was also unsure how either of them would be about me moving out. I wasn’t at all certain I’d go through with asking for Sam’s help with the domestic stuff. And then there was Max – what on earth would he
make
of any of it?