Change of Life (12 page)

“Yes, I know I need to talk to him. I just hope he understands.”

“You shouldn’t feel guilty about wanting to get to know Robbie. In fact, don’t feel guilty about any of it. It’s time to put
yourself
first.”

With that, Evelyn said she was going to prepare some dinner for us. She suggested I go out to the garden. So I went to sit on the bench by the rose bed. My mobile beeped in my pocket. It was a text from Robbie accepting my invitation. I was pleased, but at the same time there was a dull ache of apprehension in my stomach. I was aware I still had to tell Tom and the children that I’d asked Robbie to come. But in spite of that nudging dread and, after talking to Evelyn, I was now even more convinced I was doing the right thing – at least for me –and, I hoped, for Robbie.

I turned my face up to the late afternoon sun and my apprehension lessened. And, as I sat there in Evelyn’s glorious garden, I even felt a small surge of wellbeing and confidence. I dared to hope that things would work out.

Dinner was wonderful. There was a delicious homemade quiche and a perfectly dressed green salad accompanied by a glass of crisply dry, white wine. Afterwards I had a long, hot bath. And then, as I settled down to sleep in Evelyn’s spare bed, between soft, white, Egyptian cotton sheets and wearing a pair of her beautiful, grey, silk pyjamas, I had a moment of doubt. My earlier resolve and optimism wavered. I wondered again if I should postpone seeing Robbie, or perhaps stay at Evelyn’s for a few days and see him at Holdfast. But I didn’t – couldn’t –give in to my misgivings. I couldn’t stumble at the first hurdle. I knew what I was contemplating was going to be painful, but my survival was at stake. I was fighting for my life.

Chapter Twelve

I left Evelyn’s at around ten the next morning and decided to go and see Ruby on my way home. I wanted to tell her face to face what I planned to do. When I arrived she ushered me into her very pink front room. Four of her grandchildren were watching television, still in their pyjamas. There were toys and breakfast plates and glasses all over the floor. Ruby chased the children out.

She ignored their protests and followed them into the hall. “Go upstairs and get dressed. Granddad’s going to take you home.”

I could hear the children clumping up the stairs.

“Sorry about them,” Ruby said as she came back into the room. “I had Gail’s kids overnight. He’s waiting to take them home.” She gestured vaguely towards the back of the house – where I assumed her husband must be.

I apologised for disturbing her Saturday. She shook her head and dismissed my apologies as unnecessary. I refused her offer of tea.

“So what is it, Rosie? What brings you here?” she said kindly, as she settled back in her large pink armchair.

I’d intended to keep it brief. I’d intended to tell her calmly that I was ill, that I was going away for treatment and to ask her to do some extra hours. But I found that, as with Evelyn, the whole story came spilling out. While I talked, Ruby came to sit beside me. She put her hand on mine. I gripped it. “I hope you don’t think I’m being selfish and I hope you’ll be able to help.”

“Don’t be daft, lassie!” Ruby replied. “You’re not selfish enough – that’s your trouble. I told you the other day you do too much for them all. I knew you weren’t well. I said, didn’t I? I said you were looking pale.”

“Yes, you did. So will you keep an eye on things for me – at the house – keep an eye on Max especially?”

“Of course I will. And Max can come over here, as usual in the holidays, when Neil’s staying.”

“You’re a saint – I don’t know how you do it all – your jobs, the grandchildren…”

“Oh, I’m no saint,” Ruby said, “But I do have St Anne and St Monica to help me.” She got up and went over to a recessed glass shelf in the corner of the room. On it were two china statues, along with some candles and several rosaries. She picked up the statues. “These are my ladies, my helpers – this is St Anne, patron saint of mothers and this is St Monica, she looks out for married women. They get me through – never let me down.
He
gave me St Monica actually – after I ran away from home.” She turned to replace them on the shelf.

For a minute I thought she meant that God had given St Monica to her, but then I realised she meant her husband. My bemusement must have shown on my face.

“No, not
Him
– him – Ray.”
It was the first time I’d heard her say her husband’s name.

“Oh, right – Ray,” I said, “and what do you mean - when you ran away?”

“It was years ago, before I knew you.” Ruby laughed. “I left them - him and the bairns - went to my sister’s. I’d had enough – doing everything for everybody – six teenagers and him. So, one morning, I decided that was it. I packed a bag, left a note and went.”

“Ruby!”
I was aghast. Ruby, who seemed so sorted, so grounded, so family orientated, had walked out, just like that.

“I know – but it was the making of them and it saved my marriage. They all had to get on and manage without me.”

“How long were you away for? What made you come back?”

“Oh, I was away about a month
- and
I always intended to come back – I’m a good Catholic girl and I believe in the vows I made when we got married. But that doesn’t mean I’d sit back and be taken advantage of. He came after me – brought St Monica with him – said he couldn’t cope without me – came out with all that romantic stuff that made me fall for him in the first place – daft, sweet-talking, Irish bugger. Anyway, it made us stronger as a couple – me going away, and it didn’t do the kids any harm either. And, if I’m honest, I missed them all like crazy. I drove my sister mad going on about how great they all
were
. I was about to give in and come home when he showed up! Of course, I didn’t tell him that.”

“Oh, Ruby,” I laughed. “You’re a tonic – you really are.”

“It’s good to see you laughing, lass,” Ruby said smiling. She came back and sat down and took my hand in hers, her smile gone. “I’m so sorry – about the cancer and about Tom and this lad – Robbie – was it?”

“Yes, Robbie.” I sighed.

“Come here, hen,” Ruby said. As she embraced me I thought for a moment of my mother. “You go and get better,” she continued. “I’ll do whatever I can to make sure the family are okay– but they’ll have to do their bit too – I’ll see to that.”

“Thanks, Ruby, thank you so much. I don’t know what I’d do without you. You saved me seventeen years ago and you’re doing it again now.” I wiped away some escaped, rogue tears.

“No, hen - I did some cleaning and tidying up – you saved yourself. You’re strong, like me, but sometimes, even us strong ones need a break. So stop feeling guilty.” Ruby had tears in her eyes too.

“You will come and see me at the flat - won’t you?” I said.

“Just try and stop me!”

When I got home, Toby was in his bed in the hall, snoozing. He got up to greet me. His coat was damp and smelled of the sea. “
You been
swimming
Tobes
?” I said, as I patted him. I guessed he’d been out with Tom on the beach run. I went through to the kitchen. Tom was sitting at the table, drinking coffee and reading the paper. He was in his running gear. The front of his tee shirt was damp. I could smell his maleness and could see the sheen of sweat on his skin. Part of me wanted to walk over to him and put my arms around him. With hindsight, maybe that’s what I should’ve done.
But at the time …

“You’re back then,” he said. He didn’t look at me.

“Yes, I’m back.” I picked up the percolator and poured myself a cup. I sat down opposite him. He continued reading his paper. I sipped my drink. I could hear the wall clock ticking - like a bomb about to go off.

Then Tom spoke, without looking up. “I was surprised to hear from Ma yesterday. She said you were too tired to come home and that I couldn’t speak to you.” He finally looked directly at me. “Are you ill?”

I hesitated for a heartbeat and thought ‘He knows’. But, in the same moment, I told myself that was impossible. “I’m okay – as Evelyn said, just a bit tired. Where are the kids?”

“Adam’s up in his room. Sam and Jen are both on early shift at the shop. Max is out playing with Neil and Connor. He’s having some lunch at Connor’s and then Connor’s dad’s taking them to the cinema this afternoon. He’ll be back about five he thinks.” Tom’s face was expressionless and his voice was flat. “We need to talk,” he said.

“Yes, we do.”

“I’m sorry, you know, for not telling you sooner – about Robbie.”

I nodded my head in acknowledgement of the apology. I knew he was waiting for me to apologise to him. “Look Tom, I know you just want everything back the way it was.”

“Yes, I do. Isn’t that what you want too?”

“It’s not a case of wanting it or not, Tom. It’s happened. Robbie is a fact. Your deception is a fact. Your motives for the deception – I don’t know what to think, what to believe.”

“I -”

“No, Tom, let me speak. I need to tell you what I’ve decided to do.”

“What do you mean, what you’ve decided? Is that why you went to Ma’s? You went to get her advice, told her all about it. I bet she’s on your side too.”

“Oh, for heaven’s sake, Tom, your mother doesn’t take sides. She listened to me. She didn’t pass judgement.”

Tom shrugged.
“If you say so.
Anyway, what’s this decision you’ve reached?”

“First of all, I want to make Robbie welcome, to get to know him and to include him as one of the family. I’ve invited him to come to dinner this evening.”

“Oh you have, have you? Well don’t expect me to welcome him. Don’t expect me to be here for dinner and to play at happy families.” Tom pushed his chair back and stood up. He leaned over the table so his face was level with mine. “He’s not one of the
family
. He has his own family – the Sutherlands are his family – not us!”

“Stop shouting, I get the message.” I got up from the table and began to clear the coffee things away. “You’re not going to have dinner with us this evening, fine. Although it’s a shame you won’t be here - as it’ll be the last family dinner for a while.”

“What do you mean the last, what do you mean?” Tom looked scared.

“I mean I’m moving out. I’m moving out tomorrow. I’m going to stay at Dad’s for a while – at the flat.”

“What - why, how can you? What about Rick? Rosie, what are you talking about?”

“Rick is away for a few weeks. Lucy doesn’t think he’ll have a problem with it. And Evelyn thinks it’s a good idea.”

“Ma, Lucy – you’ve discussed this with them? Before you told me?” Tom ran a hand through his hair and shook his head at me.

“Yes, I have. And I know - it’s not nice being the last to know something is it?”

Tom looked grim. “Is this some kind of revenge? Is that it?” His voice was quiet.

“No, Tom, no it’s not. It’s about me and what I need to do. I’m tired, run down and with the shock of finding out about Robbie and – everything - I need some space, some time to myself.”

Tom put his head in his hands. Again I was aware of the clock ticking. Then Tom asked how he’d manage without me. He asked how the kids would manage. I told him I thought they’d all manage just fine. He begged me to reconsider. I said I wouldn’t, I couldn’t. He said I was a selfish bitch. I told him I’d learned selfishness from the master – him. Then he pushed his chair back and walked out. He left the house, clattering the door behind him.

I was trembling as the adrenalin, anger and fear subsided. Tom and I didn’t really do shouting or raw emotion. I think it was something that scared us both. We’d always been so civilised. I wondered where he would go – dressed only in his running gear and in great need of a shower.

I heard the floorboards creaking above me. The sound reminded me there was another difficult conversation I needed to have. I went upstairs. Adam’s door was closed. I heard music playing inside. I took a deep breath and knocked loudly.