Change of Life (23 page)

I’d forgotten all about my rash offer. “Oh, it’s a surprise,” I replied. “I’ll shop for what I need myself – but thanks for the offer.”

“I’ve got a rehearsal for
Grease
after school and then Robbie’s going to meet me in town. We’ll get the bus back here together for about six,” said Jenny.

“Okay, we’ll eat about seven then. Now, I must go and get a shower. Have a good day at school, you two. Are you all organised, Maxy – got everything you need?”

“Yep – not counting clean shoes and a haircut, of course,” Max replied, smiling.

I smiled back. “Yes, not counting those things. See you later.”

By the time I got back to the kitchen, showered and ready for work, Sam was also dressed and clearing away the breakfast things.

“Can I get you anything, Dad?” she asked, straightening up from loading the dishwasher and tucking her hair behind her ear. This simple request and the way she moved gave me a catch in my throat. I looked at my daughter. A few weeks ago she’d been a typical, selfish teenager and now here she was behaving all grown up and so much like her mother. There wasn’t a strong physical resemblance between Rosie and Sam. Sam looked more like me. But, just then, her manner and behaviour were so like her mother.

“Dad?” she said, when I didn’t answer, “are you okay?”

“Sorry, yes, I’m fine. I’ll get myself some tea and toast. I’m very proud of you, Sam. The way you’ve coped with all this and how you’ve looked after Max and kept us all going as a family. I can see now why Uncle Michael was so sorry to lose you when you came back from Australia.”

“Oh, Dad,” Sam said, putting her hands up to her face and shaking her head, “
don’t
go all soppy – you’ll make me cry.”

“Come here,” I said. “Give your old Dad a hug.” She came over to me. I held her. “I meant what I said - I’m proud of you - and Mum will be too, when she sees how well you’ve done. And I meant what I said about me doing more to help.”

“So, is Mum really not coming home soon? I thought she’d be feeling better by now. And you’re okay about Robbie now, aren’t you? Can’t she forgive you for keeping him a secret? Or is there more to this, Dad?”

I stroked her hair, then stepped away to fill up the kettle and put some bread in the toaster. She sat down at the table. The nerves in my stomach constricted, as I thought of Rosie’s other reason for going and for staying away. I’d promised to let Rosie tell the children herself about her cancer and I was going to keep that promise. But I could see that the original explanation about Rosie’s leaving was not convincing Sam any more.

“You’ll see Mum tomorrow, and she’ll explain more to you then about why she’s not coming back just yet.”

“Well, it better be good, because I think she should come home now. She said she was only going for a few weeks.”

“I know she did. But even though I’m okay about Robbie now, Mum feels very hurt by what I did and doesn’t really understand my reasons.”

“Have you told her all your reasons, Dad? Have you tried to explain? I don’t really understand what you did either, but you must have felt you were doing the right thing.”

This was almost too much to bear. She was right of
course,
I still hadn’t been completely honest with Rosie. But I couldn’t speak to Sam about it either. “I did believe I was doing the right thing. I hope Mum sees that eventually. And, of course now she’s also angry about me upsetting Adam and driving him away.”

“Adam didn’t leave because of you, Dad. He left because he’s Adam. He’s like Mum really – gone away to make sense of things. He’ll be okay and he’ll be back when he’s ready. And so will Mum –they can’t be mad at you forever – they know you love them.”

“It’s nice of you to say so, love, and I hope you’re right. And now, I really must get away. See you later.” I kissed my daughter goodbye and set off for work.

When I got to the Royal Infirmary it was already bustling.

I made my way up to cardiology and headed along the corridor to my office. It felt good to be back. I’d only been away a day, but it seemed a lot longer. I loved my job. I loved being a heart surgeon. Sometimes when I was driving home after a day in theatre, I would feel so exhilarated – exultant even. To give someone back their life – to pull them back from the edge, take away pain, cut out the problem and make good, there’s nothing better. I suppose I was hooked on it, that
rush
. But like all addictions there’d been a price to pay. And it was a price I’d never questioned before.

When I arrived at my office, Sheena was in the little outer room that was her workspace. Sheena was the medical secretary who worked for me and for Bruce, my boss and head of cardio-thoracics. She worked calmly and efficiently and kept Bruce and I organised. She’d come to work for us about five years before, following the death of her husband. She looked up from her PC as I walked in.

“Good morning, Tom.” She smiled her open smile. “It’s good to see you back.” She betrayed no curiosity about the previous day’s absence.

“Good morning, Sheena. It’s good to see you too. Sorry about yesterday. What did
I
miss and what’s on today’s agenda?”

Sheena took me through it all in her usual efficient manner. She said that Bruce had been very impressed with Anna’s handling of the clinic yesterday, and with her follow up of our post-operative inpatients. Anna was my registrar. She was very competent and ambitious and was about to complete her cardio-thoracic specialist training.

“So are you saying I wasn’t missed then?” I asked.

Sheena looked horrified. “No, no, not at all, it’s just you’ve trained Anna well and she did a good job. I didn’t mean…”

I laughed. “I’m joking, Sheena. Don’t look so worried!”

“Oh, right, - well don’t joke – we’re not here to have fun!” She relaxed and smiled.

“Sheena brought you up to speed, has she?” Bruce was in the doorway.

“She’s just broken it to me that I’m not indispensable after all,” I answered.

“Yes – can’t say we missed you yesterday,” Bruce grinned. “What’s today’s schedule like for you? I’d like to see you about a couple of your ward patients and one of the clinic cases from yesterday.”

“Well, I need to speak with Anna, of course, and then I should do a ward round. What about right after lunch – two o’clock – there’s a couple of things I need to discuss with you too?”

“See you at two then.” With that he disappeared into his office, next door to mine.

The morning passed quickly and it was true, everything seemed under control despite my unscheduled absence. Anna actually seemed very glad to have had the chance to get on with things without me. She was a very able doctor. Her surgical skills were developing well and she had a good way with the patients. She certainly put in the hours, but it wasn’t until recently that I’d begun to appreciate how hard it must be for her.

“How’s Rachel?” I asked, after she’d finished updating me on the previous day’s patients.

She looked mildly surprised at the question. I wasn’t exactly in the habit of asking about Anna’s family life.

“She’s fine, thank you,” she replied. “She had her fourth birthday last week. I think I mentioned it.”

“Oh yes, how
did that go
– there was a party?”

“Yes. I got home in time for the end of it. Kenny had done a great job in the afternoon with all her friends from nursery, and I was there in the morning when she opened her presents.”

“How do you and Kenny do it? Manage – I mean - with both of you working – and looking after Rachel.”

Anna now looked a bit suspicious. “It’s not easy – you must know that. Kenny works part time, for now, so he can be there for Rachel some of the
week,
and my mother helps out the rest of the time.”

“And Kenny doesn’t mind – being part time at work?”

“No – he enjoys being a dad. I envy him actually – being at home with Rachel so much - but I’ll not get to be a consultant by working part time. Once Rachel starts school, Kenny can build up his hours again. And maybe, once I’m a consultant, I can job share or something. There are a couple of female consultants in ENT who do that already.”

“But it bothers you, does it – not being around for Rachel as much as you’d like?”

“Yes – a bit – I’ve had to compromise to keep my career on track. I knew it would be difficult combining motherhood and being a surgeon. But I try to make up for it at the weekends, and I make sure I take my full holiday entitlement. Look, what’s this about Tom? Are you questioning my commitment to the job?”

“No – no far from it – I just wondered how you did it. Working and being a parent – with the hours you have to put in. I never had to think about it. Rosie stopped work for a few years, when the kids were small, and went back when Max started school. But I didn’t really do much at all at home - to help that is. I come in here most weekends, at least once, and I’ve hardly ever taken a full fortnight off.”

“I did wonder - I know you’ve come back early from holiday while I’ve been here. To be honest I thought it was so you could keep an eye on me. But you’ve never – what even for a family holiday – you haven’t ever taken your whole entitlement?”

“No – well, very rarely - I usually end up coming back early – leaving Rosie and the children wherever and coming back to work. It’s not to keep an eye on you - I can assure you. You’re one of the best registrars I’ve worked with.”

“Right – well – thanks for the compliment. But why are you asking all this now?”

“Oh, ignore me. It’s no reflection on you, I promise you. No, it’s just things – well things have been happening at home. I’ve realised I haven’t been there enough. I’ve left Rosie with far too much to do.”

Anna looked bemused.

“Sorry,” I said, “you must think I’ve gone a bit mad. I know we never really normally talk about our home lives.”

“It’s okay – but yes, it’s a bit weird. You’re always so focussed on work – which is good of course – but…” she was floundering.

I smiled at her. “Relax – normal service is resumed. Let’s go and see some patients.”

In what seemed like no time, it was two o’clock and I was knocking on Bruce’s door.

“Come in, Tom. Take the weight off.” Bruce looked over the top of his glasses and pointed to a chair piled high with files. I moved the files to the floor and sat down. “Sorry,” said Bruce, “I had the clinic yesterday, and then I was in meetings most of the morning, so I haven’t got that lot processed yet. You know how it is.”

“I do indeed,” I replied. “Which patients was it that you wanted to have a word about?”

“None of them really, Tom – that was just an excuse for Sheena’s benefit – though I don’t think I fooled her for a minute. I wanted to talk to you about you.”

“Oh – right – look, I’m sorry about yesterday, Bruce – not coming in and at such short notice. It was family stuff – I needed to be there.”

“Oh that – that’s fine –
don’t
give it another thought. Anna coped magnificently. You’ve done a good job training her up, Tom – you’ve always been good at that side of things.”

“It’s all part of the job – passing on the skills – you taught me.”

“Yes, I did and, even if I say so myself, I did a good job. But I’m a bit concerned about you, Tom. You don’t seem to have been your usual self for a few weeks. Don’t get me wrong – your work has been exemplary as always, but you have seemed a little distracted. It’s not like you – and this is not a criticism – but it’s not like you to be out of here by five in the evening – or to miss a day. I’m speaking as a friend, Tom – not as a boss. Is everything all right – is the family stuff – as you called it - all sorted out now?”

I hadn’t expected Bruce to be taking the lead in this conversation, but I was glad it hadn’t been left up to me to broach the subject of my domestic turmoil. “Not exactly, no.” I told Bruce about the events of the last five weeks.