Change of Heart (13 page)

Almost three thousand miles and three years between us and I’m one of the four people on her nightstand. Things suddenly don’t feel so hopeless after all.

Chapter Nineteen

Casey

I wake to a dark bedroom, and the events of the day flash through my mind. Decker in my apartment this morning. Dropping Decker off at the hotel. The doctor’s visit. I’d passed out as Becky sucked five vials of blood from my body. How embarrassing. Dr. Smythe had said it was most likely due to my being run-down. Or rather “not taking care of myself,” as he’d put it.

My bedroom is pitch black. I must have slept all afternoon since night has fallen. I suddenly realize I’m very warm—no, hot—and there is some kind of pressure on my chest. I have a moment of dread, worrying if I really did run myself down too far this time. My chest tightens as the anxiety begins to overtake me. Then I look down and see the arm that’s wrapped tightly around me. A male arm.

What the hell?

I slowly turn my head to look over my shoulder and at first I’m struck by relief that I’m not getting sick, then I feel annoyance because what the heck is he doing here? In my bed? Wrapped around me like a glove. Hadn’t I thrown him out this morning?

Dammit,
Decker!
Always inserting yourself where you don’t belong.

Dammit, Kate, too!
Somebody had to have let him in, and it clearly wasn’t me.

Very slowly and carefully, I roll over and try to extricate myself from his hold without waking him. No such luck. In mid-roll, his grip tightens, and he sighs in contentment.
I wish I could feel so at peace.
I huff and resign myself to being stuck in the prison of his arms. Can’t say it’s all that terrible.

“Don’t sound so miserable. You might give a guy a complex,” he rasps out in that sexy, husky, sleepy man voice.

My body betrays my mind as I tingle all over. Then, snapping out of my trance, I elbow him in the ribs and sit up as he grunts.

“That was harsh, Case,” he chuckles, rubbing his ribs. I make the mistake of looking down at him. He’s shirtless,
the sonofabitch
, looking so much more like a man than the boy I left behind years ago. His abs are ripped—which shouldn’t surprise me because he was in excellent shape back in high school, just not as defined. I guess I’d assumed he hadn’t kept it up since he couldn’t play ball anymore. I assumed wrong.

“My eyes are up here,” he says, and I scan my way up, from his abs to his face, where he wears a shit-eating grin.

I roll my eyes. “Whatever. You’re such an ass.” I scoot down to the end of the bed and stand up. I’m immediately lightheaded so I close my eyes, reaching out in front of me to brace myself on my dresser.

Decker’s behind me in an instant. “Are you okay?” he asks, placing his hands on the sides of my ribs in an effort to help keep me upright.

I nod my head slowly. “A little dizzy, I guess.” I don’t say any more than that since I don’t know how much Kate told him.

He gently turns me around to face him. “Kate mentioned you passed out getting some blood drawn,” he says, his brows furrowed and concern etching his features. “Is everything, okay? Why were you having blood drawn?”

“It was just a routine checkup,” I lie, side-stepping out of his grasp. “I was pretty run down from my trip, my blood pressure was off, the doctor just wanted to run some tests.”

“Makes sense, I guess, given what happened with your dad,” he says, nodding in understanding.

I tilt my head at him in question, unsure of what he’s talking about—wait, does he know? He can’t possibly! And then it hits me. “Yeah, family medical history and all.”

I frown, thinking about my dad. Why is it that it’s not until people die that we realize all the things we should have done while they were alive? I wish I’d gone to more baseball and hockey games with him. I wish I’d said yes every time he asked me to go fishing. I wish I’d spent more times on the couch with him on Sundays watching the races. Instead, I snubbed him over and over again for homework. A lot of good graduating at the top of my class is doing me now…but those extra moments with my dad? Those would have stayed with me forever, especially now that he’s gone.

“I’m sorry,” Decker says, breaking me out of my reverie. He walks over and gives me a hug. “I miss him, too.”

The familiarity of being in his arms, his soothing voice, and the fact that he truly gets me is what breaks me down. I choke on a sob.

“Shh, it’s okay. Let it out, sweetheart.”

And I do. I curl my fists against his bare chest and sob. “I m-miss him s-so m-much.”

“I know, baby. I know.” He rubs my back and holds me tight. “It’s going to be okay, Casey. I know it might not seem like it now. But it’ll get better.”

I want to scream at him, ask him how the hell he knows it will get better, but I don’t. I let him hold me and whisper words of encouragement in my ear. I let him lay me down on my bed and cuddle me, holding me so close to his body it seems that he’s the one seeking comfort, not me.

And maybe that is what he’s doing. My dad
was
like a second dad to him. Has he taken a moment to grieve his loss? While I’d been at home, he spent most of that time focused on me. Making sure I’d been okay…that I was eating and sleeping.

Once the floodgates finally dry up, I look up to him and find him staring right back at me. I could get lost in those comforting green orbs. “I’m sorry, Decker.”

“Wh-” he starts, but I hold my hand up to stop him.

“No, let me finish,” I plead. He nods, and I continue. “I’m sorry for your loss, too. You and my dad were close. I know you used to go off and do guy stuff with him and your dad. Even after I left.” He looks at me with questions in his eyes. “My parents told me when we talked,” I shrugged. “I’m sorry I’ve been such a basket case, and you had to spend so much time taking care of me back home. And I’m sorry that no one was taking care of you.”

He sighs. “Casey, I was doing exactly what I was supposed to be doing all that time. Being there for you. It’s what I wanted to do, and it’s what your dad would have wanted me to do. You may not have seen me grieve, but I did. In my own way, I did.”

I rest my head against his firm chest and nod.

“He went with my dad to a lot of my home games, you know?” I nod again but don’t speak, hoping he takes this opportunity to get things off his chest…to grieve. “Even after you were gone, he’d still ask me to go fishing when I was home, or hunting if the season was right. Sometimes my dad would join us…sometimes he wouldn’t. I felt closer to you when I was with your dad. I know that probably sounds weird, but it’s true. He never betrayed your confidence, even when I pressed him. He never said anything other than ‘she’s doing okay,’ or ‘she’s good.’ I both loved and hated him for that. I appreciated any little bit he’d share, but I also wanted more. I kind of think he liked spending time with me for the same reason I liked spending time with him. It made us both feel closer to you, even if we didn’t talk about you.”

My eyes are filled with tears again as I listen to him speak. I’m finally getting a small sense of what Decker went through when I left, of what my dad went through. He’d always told me he understood my decision to stay in California. But jeez, what else was he going to say to me while I’d been going through my own personal hell? Of course they’d agree with anything I threw out there. I’d thought my actions had been selfless. Turns out they’d been rather selfish.

I can’t go back in time to fix things with my dad, but I still have time to fix things with my mom, and maybe even with Decker. There’s got to be a way to make peace with them without letting the walls I’ve built around myself come crumbling down.

Chapter Twenty

Casey

For the second time in less than twenty-four hours, I wake up in Decker’s arms. But instead of trying to sneak away, I revel in his warmth. Decker. My best friend. Today is the day I start trying to make things right. Life is too short to have regrets. I regret not spending more time with my dad before he died. I need to make sure I make up for lost time with my mom…and with Decker.

No regrets.

I nestle deeper into Decker’s familiar, comforting embrace and let out a sigh of contentment. That same sigh Decker made last night that I’d been both envious of and irritated by. I smile at the thought and feel him begin to stir.

“To what do I owe the pleasure? Oh wait, you’re not fully awake, are you? If you’re going to flip on me, at least give me a warning so I can get out of your reach before you strike.” He starts slowly moving his body away from me.

I giggle into his chest, his light smattering of chest hair tickling my nose. “Good morning, Decker.”

Realizing I’m not going to go ape-shit on him, at least not yet, he relaxes back into position, pulling me back against him with his free arm. “Good morning, Case.” I can hear the smile in his voice.

I clear my throat, making Decker aware that what I’m about to say is pretty important. “I’d like for you to stay at the apartment while you’re here, not at the hotel. I’m going to talk to Kate today, but I don’t think she’ll have a problem with it.”

Decker pulls his head back and looks down at me. “Are you sure you’re okay with that?”

I sigh, knowing that my actions over the past couple weeks, hell, over the past three years up to and including yesterday, have caused him to question my newfound effort. “Yes, I’m sure. I want to start fresh with us. Or continue fresh, or whatever,” I shake my head, knowing I sound stupid but unable to do anything about it. I am stupid for keeping him out of my life this long. “Life’s too short, Decker. I want you in mine.”

“Not that I’m complaining or anything,” he begins, “but you do realize that’s a contradictory statement, right?” I look up at him, and he laughs at the strange expression on my face.

“I was the valedictorian, Decker,” I state in an obnoxiously pompous manner.

He laughs and pats my head like he’s pacifying a child. “I know. I’m just saying…life is the longest thing anyone ever does. It’s kinda funny how we think it’s short.”

Decker may be right, but it doesn’t make me feel any differently about it.

***

After we get out of bed, I call Kate at work and ask her about letting Decker stay with us. She surprises me by immediately agreeing and even adding that he can stay as long as he wants. Not sure why she’s so uncharacteristically enthusiastic about it, but I don’t have time to wonder because I need to take Decker back to the extended stay to get his things before the eleven a.m. check-out. I feel like a jerk for making him go yesterday when he hadn’t even ended up sleeping there.

We have lunch at a small sandwich shop near campus and Decker tells me about some new restaurants back home he thinks I’ll love. We automatically swap the other halves of our sandwiches halfway through our meal, and I smile at how easy it is to fall into familiar routines with Decker. But I must remind myself…we can’t fall into
all
our old routines. Not this time. This time we’re friends…just friends.

He asks me to show him Stanford, so when we leave the restaurant I head in that direction. I drive through campus slowly, pointing out the buildings where I’ve had various classes, the cafeteria, library, and finally ending up at the baseball field.

“Did you ever miss it?” he asks as I pull into a parking space near the Sunken Diamond, the aptly named, recessed baseball field.

“Miss what?”

“Home. Charleston. This place is so different.” He’s not looking at me, but out the window at the surrounding scenery.

“Of course I missed Charleston. There’s no place like home.” And I did miss it. The place and the people.

“You didn’t come back. Not once.” He doesn’t say it in an accusatory way. He’s just pointing out the obvious.

I know I need to respond in some way, but what can I say? What can I tell him without telling him everything? Because I can’t tell him that. Not today and maybe not ever.

“I just had a lot going on here, Decker.” There, that’s not a lie. Just a half-truth.

“Plenty of college students have a lot going on and still return home for the summer. For Thanksgiving. For Christmas. What was so important that it kept you away?”

I sigh. “Decker…”

“Just forget it. If you’re going to feed me another line,” he snaps, “I don’t want to hear it.”

“Decker, I’m–”

“Can we just go? I’m tired. I didn’t get much sleep last night.”

I don’t know if that was a barb at me or not, but it hurts just the same. I turn on the car and pull out of the parking space. “I’m sorry,” I say. I whisper it so quietly that I’m sure he didn’t hear me, but the fact that he reaches his left hand over the console and grabs my right hand tells me he did. And I feel a smidge better.

We ride in silence back to the apartment, my hand in his, and both of our heads full of who knows what. When we get back, he excuses himself to the guest room, and I drop down onto the couch, mentally spent. I don’t know how I’m going to let Decker back in while still keeping him at arm’s length. But I can’t tell him what happened freshman year. I can’t tell him what’s still going on as a result of it. It would break him.

I hear the front door unlock and look up to see Kate slip in, as graceful as ever, even though she’s carrying about twelve grocery bags. I jump up to help her.

“What is all this?” I laugh as I take all the bags from her right hand. I think we are the reason that Internet meme exists about carrying fifty bags in from the car rather than making two trips.

“You said Decker was staying. We need more food since someone was too busy passing out yesterday to go to the grocery store,” she smirks at me. I’m glad she’s able to make light of the situation now, because when I called her from the doctor’s office yesterday she was in full-blown panic mode.