Caught in Transition (8 page)

ME: It went fairly well until Sheelagh said that one line to Caitlin that was something like, if your mom doesn't like it we can always be friends. That was the killer line that everyone uses when things are over. I said to Sheelagh later that wasn't the right thing and she said if she could have taken that back she would have.
 

SISSY: That did set Cait off - the tears and the yelling, well naturally because she wanted to protect her mom and she wanted to keep Steve in her life.
 

ME: How did you feel because you knew it was coming?
 

SISSY: I felt very compassionate towards Stephen because I knew how difficult it would be for him to say that to me. I felt the world move a little bit like you do - you know like when you get earth shattering news. It's like oh my goodness. Then I remember asking Stephen, why do you really feel the need to have facial surgery. I remember him saying my physical features need to change because I don't want to be the ugliest woman in Northumberland County. That's when it hit me that this was real, it's really real. My concern was for Sheelagh down the road, I read the information you gave me and I know how isolated transpeople are because they're usually left bereft by their families. My biggest concern was for you as my sister, and as long as you weren't hurt then it was okay, but as much as I love Sheelagh you're still my first concern. My loyalties lie with you over top of Sheelagh, they lie with both of you because you're my family, but you come first.
 

ME: I get that, it must have felt weird.
 

SISSY: It was, and added to that was the concern for Caitlin, because she was genuinely upset.
 

ME: That's right. She had known Steve for over a decade as Steve so it was a shock, but with time she was able to accept everything. When did I give the two of you the information about transpeople, was it before this discussion?
 

SISSY: Yes so that I would understand what you both were going through because I really didn't have an understanding. I knew that some people felt they were in the wrong body but I didn't understand the psychology behind it and I need to know about things.
 

ME: It's been a few years now, a lot of water has gone under the bridge.
 

SISSY: Yes but I was so appreciative of that book. It was called “Transgender Explained” and it helped to put everything into perspective.
 

ME: It helped me too!
 

SISSY: Yeah.
 

ME: So now it was real and you knew I was staying?

SISSY: Then we just got on with it because I love Sheelagh and I wanted to be as supportive as I could be and so was Peeter.
 

ME: Don't you find it's surreal - stuff that happens to other people.
 

SISSY: It is, it's quite something to be part of such a life changing experience. It's enlightening and has enriched my life to have that kind of understanding and to see things through Sheelagh’s eyes and through yours.
 

ME: Do you remember when I decided we finally had to tell mom and I didn't want to go there alone and you said you'd come with me.
 

SISSY: Oh yes, but she didn't even bat an eyelash.
 

ME: I know, here she was being nearly ninety-one years old and we explained it to her and she got it.
 

SISSY: I remember you were shaking like a leaf.
 

ME: Well, yeah - I thought I was going to give her a heart attack or something. I said that Stephen was gone and has now become Sheelagh, and she said you're not getting a divorce are you and I said no.
   

SISSY: That's when she said well good then.
 

ME: I know! That's when I thought alright we're probably going to be okay here.
 

SISSY: She would ask me every now and then is your sister happy, is she okay and I'd say yes and she'd say that's alright then. Is Sheelagh happy and I said yes, and she said what more could you ask for. She was happy for you both.
 

ME: She was amazing. I just remember her being totally accepting and me looking at you, and you looking at me.
 

SISSY: We both had stunned expressions on our faces.
 

ME: She just said if that's what has to be done, and that's what makes her feel better, then she has to do it.
 

SISSY: So be it.
 

ME: Yeah - the one person I thought would have a problem with it, even though I hoped she wouldn't, ended up being just perfect. Mom never got to meet Sheelagh except through photos, yet she always put the right name on birthday cards and things.
 

SISSY: Yes, she deserves a lot of credit.
 

Sheelagh wrote the most amazing letter to the rest of my family - namely my brother and three nephews and their families. I have enclosed it for those of you who can't quite grasp why your loved one is doing this to you and your family, as well as for those who are curious as to one way of conveying your feelings to your loved ones.
 

The Letter

I am writing this letter to let you know of an important change that is currently taking place in my life. It is not easy to explain, but I am going to try. I have wondered a long time about who to tell, when, and how. I am not certain that this is the best way, or even the most opportune time, but I have come to a point when I cannot hide any longer. For most of my life I have struggled with what is medically referred to as gender dysphoria, a collective name for a condition in which the biological/physical sex is not consistent with the perception of gender for the person. I began the important process that will result in significant changes as I intend to live the rest of my life as a woman.
 

The decision was not an easy one, but the only one. This is not a life-style choice, or being done on a whim. Gender dysphoria is a medical condition whose only treatment is to live life as the gender you are
–
or die. If I have decided to reveal so much about me today, it is just because I cannot accept any longer the minimization or denial of what and who I am. I want to be able to communicate normally and honestly about my life, without subterfuge, lies, and fear. I hope that no matter what your reaction is, you
’
ll take the time to read this letter entirely. It has nothing to do with being transvestite, crossdresser, drag queen or female impersonator. It has also nothing to do with sex (or desire or preferences) but everything to do with perception of gender identity. Unfortunately, most people equate the concepts of gender and sex, but it is - really - not the same thing. Sex is the fact that a person
’
s physical characteristics are essentially male or female. Gender refers to the general presentation, to the physical characteristics, to belief, to behaviour which society relies upon so as to classify a person as
“
masculine
”
or
“
feminine.
”
Gender identity refers to the inner conviction of a person because it is defined as belonging to one of these categories.

Gender expression of a person (what that person chooses (or not) to reveal to society) may or may not match their gender identity, because our behaviour is often conditioned by strong social pressures. For most people, sex, gender identity and gender expression, the social role we play, are consistent one with another. However, sometimes some people feel that their body does not match what they feel to be, and the way they are expected to interact in society is very different from what they would like. When this happens, it causes a very strong and constant discomfort, which is at best extremely difficult to control. Various degrees exist, and unfortunately it is a condition that worsens over time.
 

This is not a mental illness and is a recognized medical condition for which treatments are appropriate in only certain cases. Personally, I have always known, in fact as early as age five, that I was different from other children. I was scared to death to tell anyone how I felt and society was not what it is today. So I made every effort to act the way boys were expected to. This strategy worked, and I decided that I
’
d be better off putting all that behind me. Although I had to fight at times with all my energy to repress these feelings and transform them, I decided I could manage the situation without doing anything about it. In 1997 I sought medical help for my problem, but none was forthcoming, and at the same time my prior marriage collapsed I was working full time and going to school part time as well.
 

Some of you may wonder why I married Virgi. That is in fact very simple: I met the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with; I believed my condition could be eliminated through denial and I believed that it would be manageable. However, a few years ago some events made me realize that I was growing unhappy because I was not addressing something in my life. I searched for solutions and different routes to happiness. The thought that it may be gender dysphoria would always flit through my mind, but I always denied it. I felt if I acknowledged it, then my battle to avoid the treatment for it would be lost. I realized that while I had established meaningful friendships, I could never really be myself. I also realized I was increasingly questioning who I really was. I did not want to impose a miserable life upon my family, so I started therapy with the hope to achieve balance. However, after a long process, and a year of talks with Virgi, the only viable choice ahead of me was to recognize the truth, be brave and again seek medical help so I could live the rest of my life as a woman. For what it is worth, most people
’
s reaction to my news have been remarkable in compassion, understanding and support.
 

Over a year ago, I started seeking medical help. After a careful and detailed screening, I have been accepted to enter a very strict, internationally agreed standard of medical care. I am now followed by a team of doctors, comprising expertise from various disciplines. I was placed under Contra-Hormone Therapy in May 2011, and have now entered a so - called
“
real-life
”
stage.
 

Last month I completed Facial Feminization Surgery that removed the genetic traits of a male from my face. For some time now I have been living two lives. At work, I was known as Stephen or Steve, but to my friends, my closest family and almost everywhere else, I am a woman known as Sheelagh (
“
Sheila
”
). In preparation for the real-life phase, I have legally changed my name to Sheelagh Tara May. Similarly, all my registrations at where I work (phone, email, badge, etc) will be eventually changed to Sheelagh May. Since I have legally changed my first name to Sheelagh, it is courteous to now refer to me by that name. It is also courteous to now refer to me as
‘
she
’
rather than
‘
he
’
. I know this is going to be hard for you to adjust to, even with the best will. I know there will be an adjustment period where you will unconsciously use he, him or even Stephen instead of she, her or Sheelagh. I will be patient, and in fact do understand. Do not worry about it. I am still the same person, and I hope you will continue to relate to me like you have in the past.
 

I want to assure you that I will still be the person you have known for the past thirteen years. It is important for me that you understand I did not play a character when I interacted with you during all these years. I had just muted certain aspects for what I hope to be now obvious reasons. I hope you will find no difference in your dealings with me in my new appearance.
 

With luck, this will all be short wonder, and eventually new perceptions will overlay the image of the person I was, and life will go on. I am currently trying to address all the people who need to know before the end of this month. It is not my intention to either embarrass or upset my friends and family, although I am realistic enough to know that I will not be readily accepted by everyone and that some may have difficulty accepting me. I will respect this right, but know that I am not interested in engaging in futile arguments if you strongly disapprove of what I
’
m doing. I ask for your tolerance, and, if you can supply it, a continuation of your friendship.
 

So, what if you have other questions? I am prepared to talk with you. If you don
’
t feel comfortable talking with me, I
’
ve listed some books, articles, websites and movies I feel deal with the subject in a good way. You should be able to find these easily. Please also feel free to contact me or Virgi if you feel this will help our relationship in the future.
 

Communication seldom does any harm. I am very flexible and open to suggestions that minimize difficulties and awkward situations. I acknowledge that it may be difficult for you and I am eager to help things go smoothly. With Love, Sheelagh (formerly Stephen).