Caught in Transition (5 page)

Facial Feminization Surgery

Getting Ready

The month of January contained the last weeks Sheelagh had to get through as Steve at work. On January 28
^th
, she was going to go through Facial Feminization Surgery (FFS), and then take off several weeks to heal, and then return to work at the end of February as Sheelagh.
 

I felt a lot of trepidation around this surgery, it was going to take approximately seven hours and was major surgery. Facial Feminization Surgery (FFS), is an operation some people get to make their features appear more feminine. In Sheelagh
’
s case she was going to undergo an endoscopic brow lift with scalp advancement and temporal fat grafting. That means that the entire orbital rim and frontal bone is aggressively contoured down to show naturally feminine proportions. She was also having a lower eyelid blepharoplasty, a feminizing rhinoplasty, cheek implants, a full face, neck and jaw skin lift, chin bone burring, a tracheal camouflage, a jaw angle bone reduction and a vertical lip lift. No wonder it was going to take seven hours!
 

As the month went on I became more nervous and anxious about it, and Sheelagh became more excited and expectant. Sheelagh made all of the plans; such as booking the flights to and from Chicago and the hotel as well as the transportation to and from the airport. I really wasn
’
t looking forward to any of this so I did not try and help expedite the way things were playing out.
 

I was nervous for Sheelagh getting through security at the Toronto airport. She had on her wig and did the best she could with makeup and as luck would have it we were waved to the side and had security wave a wand over us, and then we were through. No body scan machine or pat downs - that was a huge relief for us both. That was the first time we were flying together as women and it felt weird - not wrong - just different. At that point I still wasn’t used to her coming and using the same washroom as me.
 

Arrival

The trip was uneventful and we were met in Chicago by a car service that worked with the doctor who was going to be doing Sheelagh
’
s surgery. They took us to our hotel and I checked us in. It was with huge sighs of relief when we made it to our suite. We had arrived!

After settling in we headed out for dinner. We had a lovely time and stayed away from talking about the operation that was looming around the corner. We eventually returned to our hotel and started organizing things since we were going to be staying there for the next ten days. It was set up with a kitchenette so I could prepare food for Sheelagh, as well as a separate bedroom so she could rest quietly if I wanted to watch television.
 

I remember lying in bed that night feeling sad because the face I had loved for thirteen years was going to be irretrievably altered forever. I kept my feelings to myself because I knew Sheelagh was excited about the new changes, but also a bit frightened about the surgery, and I didn
’
t want to add to her uneasiness.
 

Surgery

At 5:30 A.M., on January 28, 2012, Doctor K arrived in his big white truck to pick Sheelagh up. He owned his own clinic and operating room so he offered to get her on his way in to work. I felt like my world was taken away when Sheelagh walked out the door. There were no words to describe how utterly sad and alone I felt. I went back up to our room and had myself a good cry. I had made my choice and I was staying married to Sheelagh, but the reality of it sometimes could sneak up and overpower me. My mind was still trying to scramble to keep up with my heart.

Since the surgery was going to be seven hours in length, I was told there was no reason for me to be at the clinic. After I had some breakfast I took the shuttle over to the mall and spent most of the day there looking around. Throughout that time I received three updates on Sheelagh
’
s condition from the doctor
’
s office. Everything was going well and she was stable. After 4:00 P.M. I received a call saying Sheelagh was in recovery, my first thought was, “ Thank god she made it.”
 

The PA (personal assistant) who would be staying with us for the first twenty four hours after surgery, said she would be driving Sheelagh back shortly. In my world that meant around 6:00 P.M., but it wasn
’
t until nearly 8:00 P.M. that they pulled up to the front of the hotel. The personal assistant (PA) got a wheelchair out of the back of the car and helped Sheelagh into it. I was horrified by how bad Sheelagh looked; her whole head was encased in bandages that looked like a helmet. Her eyes were just slits due to all the bruising and she couldn
’
t speak due to the bandages, but when she saw me she took my hand and wrote "I love you" on my palm with her finger. It was definitely a beautiful moment in time that made my heart melt.
 

The PA and I took Sheelagh up to the suite and the PA got her into bed. Sheelagh had a terrible headache but had to wait another hour before she could be given some painkillers and diazepam to help her feel relaxed. Over the next hour Sheelagh became very agitated and very unhappy because she said she felt like she was choking and couldn
’
t swallow properly. It was a very bad night - the PA loosened the helmet a little but that didn
’
t really help - finally she said she could go back to the clinic and get a breathing tube if we wanted her to. Poor Sheelagh had stuffing up her nose and could barely open her mouth and really thought she was going to die. We told the PA we wanted the tube so she left to go get it.
 

Sheelagh asked me for her purse which I found for her, and she took out her health insurance card and threw it at me. She said I
’
d need to call that number after she died, because she truly felt her throat was closing up due to the bandaging, and she couldn
’
t breathe because her nose was blocked because of the rhinoplasty that had been done. The only way she could breathe was through her mouth, and that wasn
’
t working so well. She started pulling at the bottom of the green head casing and I had to hold her hands down to get her to stop.
 

She began to cry and she was crying red tears. Red tears! I had never, ever seen anyone cry red tears in my life, it was terrifying. By that time I was crying and feeling exhausted, finally the PA returned. She gave Sheelagh her medications and inserted the breathing tube that allowed Sheelagh to breathe more freely. The PA also took the packing out of Sheelagh’s nose (two days early), and put some cuts into the head casing to make it a little looser. That did the trick because after that Sheelagh fell asleep. With the fear of dying gone, she could finally rest. I ended up sleeping on the love seat in the living room and the PA stayed in the bedroom with Sheelagh.
 

I awoke at 3:00 A.M. and peeked in on them. They were both sleeping so I went back and managed to fall asleep. It was a harrowing and traumatic evening for everyone. We made it through to the morning and the PA did the morning cleaning with Sheelagh and had me watch so I would know what to do. Sheelagh had a tube inserted just below her right ear and it drained blood out through the tube into what I called a blood bulb. This bulb would fill up with blood and needed to be emptied twice a day
–
once in the morning and once before going to bed. The procedure for this was stomach churning. After that was finished, Sheelagh had to have her eyes cleaned and three different drops put in. Since she couldn
’
t close her eyes all the way due to the swelling, her eyes would dry out without the special drops. My work was cut out for me.
 

With the Diazepam and pain killers Sheelagh was feeling better and slept a lot easier. When it came to meal time she had a Mylanta cocktail for starters, and vanilla pudding for all three meals. The PA left that night at 6:00 P.M. because her twenty four hour shift was over. Now I really was on my own. At 6:30 P.M. Sheelagh got up and I fed her and we went through the whole cleaning list the PA had left for me. The entire procedure took one hour. It was exhausting for Sheelagh, and for me as well. I got her tucked back into bed around 8:30 P.M. and then when Sissy called I couldn’t control myself. I just broke down in tears
–
I felt totally overwhelmed, queasy and isolated. She was a sympathetic ear and a calming presence which helped to ground me.
 

After talking for an hour I felt better and ended up watching some television. I must have fallen asleep sitting up, because the next thing I knew Sheelagh was walking down the hallway ringing her little bell (you know the bell I gave to her and told her to ring for me if she needed anything, never give a sick person a bell). I cleaned her eyes and nose and gave her some medication and she was back in bed by 11:30 P.M. I hit the bed (a real bed!) by midnight and fell sound asleep.
 

Monday January 30
^th
, was a very early morning. Sheelagh woke up at 3:30, 4:30 and 5:40 A.M. wanting a cold eye gauze cover and Vaseline for her lips. By 7:00 A.M. we started the morning clean up routine, and she had a breakfast of vanilla pudding and Enfalac.
 

By 9:00 A.M. she was propped up in bed listening to her audio books but promptly fell asleep. She got some rest while I ran downstairs to get myself some breakfast. The next two days we followed the same routine, but Sheelagh progressed to being able to eat scrambled eggs and even a yogurt. The doctor dropped in and said everything looked great and Sheelagh was doing extremely well. That made me feel reassured because Sheelagh sure didn
’
t look well to me!
 

The next day the PA arrived and took off Sheelagh
’
s head casing and washed out her hair. This was a very long arduous process, followed by a sit down shower, now by this time Sheelagh was tired but the hard part hadn
’
t even begun. The PA showed me what the next step was going to be and it was a deep tissue massage on the face and neck. You actually massage along the scar line and you can hear things under the skin pop and feel bubbles move, it
’
s very disconcerting.
 

When the PA did it the first time I cried and had to leave the room because I couldn
’
t stand seeing Sheelagh in so much pain. When I had to give it a try, it felt absolutely awful. I felt horrible. You know you have to do the massage to get the desired effect, but you don
’
t want to hurt the person you love. When that was finally finished the PA put a lighter head halter on Sheelagh, and then finally left. Sheelagh had been up from 1:00 until
7:00 P.M. She was exhausted and I was so glad to see that day end.
 

We made it to February 1
^st
and by then I had learned to master the blood bulb and had managed to get the cleanup whittled down to forty-five minutes. Even the deep tissue massage wasn
’
t freaking me out as much as it did in the beginning. It was a lot to deal with. I was everything from PA to housekeeper to chef. You haven
’
t lived until you
’
ve taken a hotel trolley cart full of grocery bags (without losing any) into an elevator and up to your room. This whole adventure was emotionally and physically draining. The payback was in seeing Sheelagh getting a little stronger and a little happier day by day. For the first time in five days Sheelagh was able to leave our room and slowly walked down to the lobby area and had a cup of tea. This was a huge accomplishment!
 

On February 2
^nd
, Sheelagh woke me up at 6:00 A.M. because she wanted to go downstairs for breakfast because she was hungry
–
unbelievable. Six days before she could barely open her mouth and now she was munching on an omelet, sausages, home fries, a muffin and tea. She was definitely on the mend and it did my heart good to see her up and about even though she still looked like she
’
d been hit by a truck. After I cleaned the sutures and massaged them, she slept for nearly six hours.
 

At 6:00 P.M. her doctor dropped in and said she could get the blood tube taken out on Saturday and the nose splint would be able to come off as well. Very exciting
–
especially getting rid of that blood bulb! At 3:00 P.M. the next day we went to the clinic and the blood tube was removed as well as all the face tape
–
that made Sheelagh very happy! All the excitement and traveling caused Sheelagh a lot of pain. When we arrived back at our hotel two hours later, she took her pain medication and fell fast asleep. Unfortunately, I had to wake her up to give her more medication and do the massage but she went right back to sleep after that.

On day eight she seemed to hit a wall
–
the pain was intense and she felt miserable and tired. The doctor said that after the first week the patient seems to feel more pain and experience some depression, the body just needed to rest and heal. All Sheelagh was supposed to do was rest, relax, and keep the pain away. It was reassuring to know that her body was doing what it was supposed to do.