Caught in Transition (7 page)

ME: Any problems going back the second day?
 

SHEELAGH: No I didn
’
t have any problems going back, I guess that
’
s one of the good things about living in an enlightened part of the world. One of the things I want to say is that every day you were there for me. You were massaging my forehead and my nose, and my jaw and you were almost in tears because you didn
’
t want me to be in pain but you knew that it was helping me.
 

ME: For me that was so stressful!
 

SHEELAGH: I can imagine. You were taking care of me and the dogs and the bills and the food and all that kind of thing and I was just sleeping a lot.
 

ME: You were healing.
 

SHEELAGH: Yes I was, and I love you for everything you did for me back then.
 

ME: Awwww. You’re welcome. At any point did you think you’d made a mistake getting FFS?
 

SHEELAGH: No, despite all the pain and being on the edge of death, I never thought for a second I
’
d done the wrong thing. This was something that was absolutely necessary. So there you go.

The morning of March 5
^th
, was Sheelagh
’
s day to return to work. While she was getting dressed for work I felt like I did when I got my daughter ready for school for the very first time. There was excitement and trepidation. A whole new life was beginning and I knew she was nervous, heck I was nervous but she reminded me of Xena warrior princess. She was brave and courageous as she was preparing herself to take on the world. Her face and neck were still puffy and swollen a little bit and would be for several more weeks, but everything from her wig, to her makeup, to her shoes were perfect.
 

I couldn
’
t imagine doing what she did but she was proud of how she looked and was ready to go in and show them there was a new girl in town who was ready to be seen and heard. After she left to make the
 
hour drive to work I went down to my studio to get lost in my work.
 
It was hard to keep my mind centred because I kept thinking of Sheelagh and how she was doing until I couldn
’
t stand it anymore and at 10:00 A.M. I called her to see how she was doing. When she picked up the phone she said,
“
Good morning Sheelagh May here.
”
I thought this was so cute because I knew she had call display and knew it was me calling. To this day when I call her she always says that same phrase to give me a chuckle.
 

She was doing okay, people who didn
’
t talk to her before still didn
’
t, but people who knew her previously as Steve were very kind and friendly. Her department manager was great and handled everything well. Sheelagh was returning to her old job as a computer system designer and had to deal with a lot of people in her section as well as other sections. Except for one or two slip ups when someone began to say Steve instead of Sheelagh they quickly corrected themselves and things carried on well. Getting the pronouns correct
–
she instead of he
–
proved to be a little trickier for some, but Sheelagh didn
’
t let it bother her because she knew there would be some adjustment time needed.
 

When she returned home she was exhausted. Not just from doing the work but she was still healing from major surgery and wasn
’
t able to take her afternoon nap. She took two pain killers and laid down. She did it! She had returned to work as a new person and had made it through that day. I was so proud of her.
 

It was interesting to note that as the weeks went by when she came home she changed out of her work clothes and put on jeans and a top. In the past she was always walking around in skirts and heals (which drove me crazy), now everything was falling into place as it should.

Doubting Sheelagh

What began to follow surprised me. Sheelagh was beginning to have doubts about her looks and was feeling self-conscious. She believed everyone was staring at her because she was too tall as a woman. During this time I gave her words of encouragement, and pointed out there were tall women everywhere from basketball players to models to just other regular women.
 

After weeks and weeks of this I was becoming tired of constantly being her cheerleader. I just wished she realized for herself how feminine and pretty she looked. Constantly having to reassure and pat her on the back became old really fast. I was now married to and living with a woman. I mean, I had been for quite a while I know, but that thought really hit home. Sheelagh
’
s face was beautiful, she was tall and thin, and I felt old, short and fat. It was a bit of a blow to my ego. For all outward appearances to me she was lovely, but Sheelagh didn
’
t feel that way. She felt too tall, she thought her feet were too big, her hair was too thin and her voice wasn
’
t consistently female. She was always too hard on herself.
 

Living with Sheelagh at that point in time was challenging because she was unhappy and drinking more than usual; this is what happened before she transitioned. I felt frustrated and confused because she chose to be Sheelagh and she was supposed to be happy. Yes I know, she didn
’
t choose to become Sheelagh, she was always Sheelagh, but trapped in another
’
s body.

I couldn
’
t grasp why Sheelagh was unhappy since she was able to have FFS and return to her own job, and still have me. With all the upheaval she had put us through she was supposed to be happy. I was the one who wasn
’
t terribly happy. I knew Sheelagh had done so much to get where she had and to be who she was, but I still missed our public displays of affection. It was definitely a platonic relationship once we stepped out of our house. Going out and holding hands used to bring us closer together, now I felt a bigger divide between us since this was no longer a part of our lives.
 

I just wanted a nice balanced life with easygoing dogs and nice kids and a husband. Not any husband, my old husband. I wasn
’
t happy with Sheelagh being Sheelagh and Sheelagh wasn't happy being Sheelagh; I had no idea how to help her with that. Possibly she had picked up on my mood and was reflecting it back to me.

At least I knew for certain I had a person who loved me and whom I loved. Life is life, it goes on and you can continue in the life you have or leave it, and I was continuing with this life because the good outweighed the negative. I told myself there was a divine plan of goodness for me. Many days I prayed for strength. I missed my old life, but not nearly as much as I thought I would. For myself I still didn
’
t know whether I
was gay or bisexual, maybe I was still heterosexual. Life is interesting some days.
 

There were times when I really didn
’
t know what to say or how to handle what Sheelagh saw as problems. One day she went to the dentist
’
s office and she returned home very quiet and reserved. It turned out she thought everyone in the office was laughing at her when she was leaving. Another time when leaving a doctor
’
s office she swears the receptionist was sneering at her. Part of me believed her and just wanted to hold her and tell her everything was going to be all right. Another part just wanted to give her a shake and tell her to get a grip and stop being so paranoid.
 

I don
’
t know - I guess I expected her to be happier with her transition, more so than she was. I don
’
t get it and she doesn
’
t know how to explain it to me. Who knows what goes on in her mind
–
sometimes I just wish I could wave a magic wand and make everything better for her. She is a good person but has had a hard life, and doesn
’
t readily trust people because she expects them to let her down. I don
’
t really understand it but I guess it
’
s probably due to her upbringing and her time in the military.

I think she over thinks things, lacks self-confidence, and has no faith in herself. All of these things seem silly to me because when I look at her I see a very lovely, intelligent woman. I needed for her to embrace who she was, and be happy.
   

One day she came home late from work and that
’
s because she
’
d stopped off and bought herself a brand new sewing machine. She has always wanted to sew, so she bought a new Genome machine on sale that was gorgeous and did everything but whistle Dixie. It was nice to see her take action and purchase a machine instead of just talk about it. She said she felt passionate about this and could hardly wait to begin sewing. I think this step was huge for her! I was so proud of her for going in the store in Oshawa and doing it all on her own.
 

I think I almost like her better as Sheelagh some days. When you stop and think about it some women who are partnered with men spend a lot of time with their girlfriends, because their partners don
’
t always share the same interests. Quite often my women friends bemoaned the fact their partners wanted to watch sports or go play golf instead of shopping or seeing a movie with them. At least my way I have everything all tied up into one nice neat package.
 

One day when I was upstairs I could hear Sheelagh talking to Elmo (one of our dogs) in a puppy sucky voice and it warmed my heart. She had come a long, long ways. I also noticed a change in my behaviour as well. I became less about me, me, me and I genuinely wanted to see Sheelagh sew and listen to her talk about it. I wanted to see her embrace the things she couldn
’
t when she was a man, and rejoice in it. The future was going to be interesting!

I had to go to Staples for a few things and ran into my old boss from when I worked at the mall. She asked how things were and I ended up telling her all about the Steve to Sheelagh change. Needless to say she was surprised, but still supportive. I bet it wouldn
’
t take long for everyone I used to work with to find out, due to the gossip grapevine. I wasn
’
t sure how I felt about that. Part of me was glad I didn
’
t have to tell them and the other part didn
’
t want their pity, questioning looks and curious stares. I wonder if that was how Sheelagh felt sometimes.

Telling Family

My dealing with all of this was one thing but my family also had to be informed of everything that had happened. The one person I had talked to was Sissy and the following is our taped conversation.
 

ME: How did you feel when I called to tell you Steve was going to be a woman?
 

SISSY: Well I was absolutely blown away and shocked to hear that because my first thought was oh my goodness what's ahead. It was surprise and bewilderment because it was something I didn't know very much about. My second thought was that maybe Stephen was just investigating something or tilting at another windmill or learning something new because he'd been learning new languages and new religions and I remember saying to you just let him go with it, he'll investigate it all and he'll get past it.
 

ME: I remember that.
 

SISSY: That's then.
 

ME: It didn't work out that way.
 

SISSY: No it didn't.
 

ME: How did you feel when you were coming up for a visit and you knew you were going to meet Sheelagh for the first time. Were you nervous?
 

SISSY: I was full of trepidation. I didn't want to have her embarrassed and I didn't want to be embarrassed for her so it was great trepidation until I saw her and then that all changed because it just looked so normal for her.
 

ME: Yes that's true, but that came after the discussion at the dining room table when Sheelagh had you and Caitlin over to tell you what was happening.
 

SISSY: Yes, Stephen was dressed as Steve then and you had prepared me beforehand so I kind of knew what was going to be discussed but I don't think Cait did.
 

ME: No she didn't - it wasn't mine to tell her, it wasn't mine to tell you either but I didn't want you having another heart attack or something. I never told Sheelagh until afterwards that I'd told you, but she figured it out for herself.
 

SISSY: Okay.