Caught in Transition (12 page)

Sissy and I visited the funeral home and made arrangements. I had written the obituary (at two o
’
clock in the morning, when I couldn’t sleep) so we submitted that, and then we had to go back to the apartment to divide things up and get everything cleared out. An exhausting and time consuming experience. Two days later was mom
’
s funeral and Sheelagh drove herself down to be there. I really wanted her there, but I had told her it wasn
’
t necessary. I didn
’
t want her to hurt her stitches or get so tired she drove off the highway. Needless to say she came, and her presence gave me strength.

I gave the eulogy for my mom, and just being able to look out and see Sheelagh
’
s face and the love in her eyes helped me get through it. It was a time of sadness but my mom was ninety-one years old and sick, so we all knew it was a blessing for her to go on to her next life.
 

After the funeral my family returned to Sissy
’
s house for the wake. I hadn
’
t seen most of them for a few years and none of them had ever met Sheelagh before except for a few minutes at the funeral home. I could see my nieces staring at her when they thought no one was looking. It was definitely the first time they had ever met a transwoman but they were fine with Sheelagh. Everyone seemed to be very accepting of her and Sheelagh was quite comfortable being there. She spent the night and left the next morning to return to work.

After all the loose ends were tied up I returned home. Sheelagh was wonderful, she took on my work around the house and looked after our two dogs and gave me time to heal. She forced me out of the house the following weekend to drive up to Prince Edward County for their lavender festival. The last thing I wanted to do was go outside and be with people but that day was the best day. Sheelagh knew what I needed when I didn
’
t and I can honestly tell you I was happily surprised she was so empathetic. Don
’
t get me wrong I know she loves me and cares about me but for so long everything had been about her, that I thought she
’
d be upset looking after me, but no
–
she was caring, giving, and really put herself out to be there for me.
 

We
’
re a team
–
Team May is what we have taken to referring to ourselves as and it suits us. I
’
m there for her and she
’
s there for me and we team up to take on the world. We celebrated our fourteenth anniversary with a special dinner and some champagne. Sheelagh had been told by the doctor not to exert herself for six weeks after the surgery, so love making was not an option. Things continued going well and we were on the same wave length and in sync with each other. I enjoyed every single day.

Hair Surgery

The third week in July Sheelagh and I were going to Toronto for three days because she was scheduled to have hair surgery. It was going to be a seven hour operation where they take a strip of scalp off the back of your head and then place each follicle into another part of your head. In this case she was getting it done to create a lower hair line that would look more feminine while also covering up the scar from her FFS. For this she received a local anesthetic and just had to lie very still.
 

My daughter Cait was living in Toronto at the time and we spent the day together shopping and catching up. At 5:00 P.M. I went over to the clinic and picked up Sheelagh. She had a scarf loosely wrapped around her head to protect the incisions from the dirt and wind. I took her back to the hotel and she slept soundly. The next morning she returned to the clinic where they washed her hair and checked the incisions. Everything looked great and the doctor said she could go home.
 

The doctor believed the surgery to be successful but we
’
d have to wait six to nine months to see if and how much hair growth there would be. Sheelagh had to continue to wear her wig to work but once home had to keep it off in order to let the air get to the follicles. I am happy to say that it was a success and all sorts of little baby hairs started sprouting up.

Cait Visit

My birthday is usually a quiet time that Sheelagh and I share together because the kids have their own lives and as long as I get a card or a phone call I
’
m happy. This year my daughter and her partner dropped in for a visit on the weekend.

 
We all had a lovely time over tea and muffins, it was a lovely birthday surprise. They are supportive of us both and totally accept Sheelagh as she is. It is so nice to have family who love you no matter what.

Tattoo Revision

That August I had the tattoo on my upper arm changed. On my arm I had a heart with Steve
’
s name on it. I
’
d had it since 1998 and now I was having it redone as a heart with flowers and Sheelagh
’
s name. It looked beautiful and we both loved it. Sheelagh was deeply moved by the fact I
’
d wear her name on my arm for the world to see.
 

I knew Sheelagh was not happy with the two tattoos she had done before her transition. She felt they were to manly looking. I took photos of Sheelagh
’
s tattoos with me to my tattoo artist and asked if she could make them more feminine looking. She looked at them and said they were already quite feminine for a man, so that
’
s when I told her about Steve becoming Sheelagh. She instantly understood what I was saying. She did new drawings of the tattoos from the photos by adding flowers and brighter colours so I could take it back to Sheelagh to see what she thought of them.
 

I found it interesting when she said her brother was having problems coming to grips with being
“
different” and feeling like he was born in the wrong body. She said she worried about him because quite often he was suicidal. I think she needed someone to talk about it with, and I
’
m glad I could be that person for her. I also gave her two web sites she could pass along to her brother that I thought would be helpful. I thought he might feel better if he could connect with like minded transgendered people. Funny isn
’
t it how when we look at people we think they are perfectly normal, living perfectly mundane lives, when in fact there are often a lot of things hidden behind closed doors. Needless to say Sheelagh loved the new tattoo ideas and had them completed the following month.

Thinking about GRS

Sheelagh turned fifty-six in 2013. She told me that she regretted waiting as long as she did to start transitioning. She knew that the surgeries she
’
d had were necessary, and had accepted the risks that were associated with each one. She had mentioned before that having genital reconstruction surgery (GRS) might be something she would need. This surgery can be part of the treatment for severe gender dysphoria. It would change her male genitals to female genitals. The procedure carries many high risks that range from loss of sensation to death. She knew that as she got older the chance of something going wrong in surgery got higher. And if it had to be done, it would be better to have it done sooner than later.

I wasn
’
t going to accept the possibility of her dying to have this done. I had endured enough stress already with being involved in her FFS and breast surgery. I sure as hell didn
’
t need this as well. I wasn
’
t interested at all in discussing this. As far as I was concerned the procedure was not happening.
 

From the very beginning of Sheelagh
’
s transition I told her I would stay with her and support her but my
“
line in the sand
”
was - if she ever got GRS I told her I would leave. You have to remember I
’
ve always been heterosexual and the two of us were still enjoying somewhat of a sex life, but GRS would change all that.
 

I had no idea how to relate to a woman sexually and I didn
’
t want to.
I had married a man and I thought I
’
d been as understanding and supportive and loving as possible. I did not support this idea and she stopped talking about it. I hoped she stopped thinking about it as well. So what do we do when things have been tense and we want a break, we
go shopping of course.

Syracuse

The next weekend we went over the border and went shopping at our favourite mall and ate at our favourite Italian restaurant. That night we made love and reconnected in a way that we hadn
’
t in four months.

How could she think of getting GRS when everything was working? Sheelagh often would say that she felt we were in a sexless marriage. We tried quite often to have sex that would end happily for Sheelagh, unfortunately it didn’t happen often enough. That weekend proved her wrong. Maybe now she would stop talking about GRS!

Southwest Tour

In September we took our yearly fall trip to Arizona. It may sound strange that we would travel to one of the least gay friendly states, but we never had a problem. Once in a while we
’
d get a few stares but nothing more than that. We selected our hotels carefully, usually looking for those which were TAG approved (staff was trained in LGBT diversity and sensitivity) .We always ordered a king bed in hotels and we were treated the same as anyone else.
 

There was one time we felt really uncomfortable and it was in a town called Farmington. Driving in, the town looked like it had seen better years, and everywhere you looked were pickup trucks with gun racks on them. The people we encountered wore tractor caps and weren
’
t all that enlightened. That night we had dinner in our room because we thought that was safer than going out in the dark. Out of all the places we saw that was the one where our intuition told us to lay low, so we did. We were out of there and on the road by 9:00 A.M. and on our way to Ouray, Colorado.

We stopped in Silverton to check out their tourist information centre. The man at the till probably hadn’t seen many tall women, because he paid close attention to Sheelagh. She wondered if she was being monitored for shoplifting. We squashed a souvenir penny, got some drinks and gladly continued on with our journey through high mountain passes.

The weather was sunny and brisk when we arrived in Ouray, but we were too early to check in to our hotel. We had lunch and did some shopping on the town
’
s main street, where we were received with a friendly welcome in each place.

Our hotel was located beside a rushing mountain river. After checking in we sat in the gardens in front of the main office. The woman innkeeper came out and talked with us. She told us of how she was drawn to the mountain town of Ouray, called the
“
Geneva of the Rockies
”
, and how she had developed her inn. We shared stories of our life with her, and we felt very welcomed and accepted. After she went back inside we looked up at the cliff behind the hotel and spotted an LGBT rainbow flag high above, planted in the rock of the mountainside. The town was chilly that day, but our welcome was warm.

A Tuba Disappointment

The ride from Ouray to Sedona began with a dramatic drive through a steep canyon, over mountain passes and along a valley flanked by Rocky Mountains as we entered Durango. Sheelagh filled the fuel tank and I went inside to pay - the standard way of refuelling. Sheelagh was worried about getting into a confrontation in case she was read (meaning someone didn
’
t believe she was a woman). I have always been at ease dealing with strangers in retail situations, so it was no big deal. Sometimes I teased her about this arrangement, but that was only because I wished that she had more confidence to deal with people. I didn
’
t understand why she thought she might be read, but I wanted to support her and lessen her anxiety when I could.

The road from there into Arizona travelled through lovely green forests, and then became flat and dry as we approached the four corners area. There is a monument located there that shows the point where the states of Colorado, New Mexico, Utah and Arizona meet. We stopped and explored the souvenir stalls that flanked the monument which was a large circular plaque in the centre of a plaza. First nations women were running the stalls, most of them being quite short and stout. Sheelagh attracted attention, likely because of her height and slenderness. The local delicacy, fried bread, was freely available. Sugared deep fried dough sounded like a treat, but Sheelagh wasn
’
t interested. She said she couldn
’
t be less tall but she could quickly become more stout.

After driving for an hour through a desiccated martian landscape of huge wind contoured red rocks we began to see large dust devils in the distance. By the time we reached Kyenta, we were in a full blown dust storm. We stopped to refill our fuel tank, because the next city was more than three hours away. Sheelagh filled the tank and I cleaned the windshield as the sand storm swirled around us. When I got back to the car Sheelagh was already inside and complaining about the windward side of her face being sore. I was more concerned about getting the sand out of my mouth and off of my lipstick.