Candi (8 page)

I don
’t have to cut as much if I have my happy pillz. But without them… I just gotta get it out. The pillz numb the pain or something and help it go away so that I don’t have to cut. I need some pillz bad.

Hey, I just put my pants in the wash. I found a hundred bucks in the pocket. I remembered that guy shoving money in my mouth. I must have put it in my pants. I forgot about it. A HUNDRED FEAKING BUCKS!!!! This is awesome, now I can get some more pillz.

Halleluiah…
I’m outta here…

Sept 25

Jess got me enough pillz to last me quite a while. Whenever the thoughts and memories start creeping back into my head, I just take a pretty little pill and poof, away they go. I still can’t sleep very good at night. I find myself sleeping in class a lot. My stupid ass teachers are yelling at me and giving me detentions. I don’t really care. I could give a shit about biology or algebra. I will never use this shit in my life…. Who the fuck cares????? They can all go to hell.

I cut myself pretty deep today. The pain felt really good but I couldn
’t get it to stop bleeding. There was no way in hell I was gonna get my mom to help me. She would freak the hell out!               Mom and Larry seem to fight all the time anymore. I just try to stay away from them. Mom looks sad. She used to be pretty happy. I think she’s worried about me, but she just needs to mind her own business and let me live my own life. I’m fine.

It quit bleeding eventually. I put one of those butterfly bandage
s on it and that helped. I probably need a couple of stitches. I just don’t give a flying fuck. I’m going to Dylans. I need some weed.

I can
’t stand being in this house. All the stares. All the questions. All the fucking chit chat. Shut the fuck up people. Can’t I just live in peace. I wear my headphones all the time when I’m at home and play my music really loud. I act like I don’t hear them talking to me. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it just makes them mad at me. I can never win with these people. They just don’t get it. I just want them to leave me alone.

Sept 29

All that Dylan, Jess and I do anymore is get high. Ever since that night. We’re all kinda different. If Jess passes out, sometimes Dylan and me fuck. He’s pretty good. Jess doesn’t even get mad if she wakes up and catches us, she just joins in. We are like our own little threesome couple.

I don
’t even really think about Ben much anymore. He is with Becca. I see them sometimes at school. All giggly and flirty. I could give a rat’s ass. Becca is a cheerleader, so Ben is trying to fit in with her crowd. He is so fucking preppy and fake now. I don’t even want him anymore. What did I see in him in the first place?

School sucks. I
’m flunking everything. So far my parents haven’t seen a report card. I’ve intercepted them and hidden them away. I’ve always gotten good grades so they’ve never really monitored me much. I’m not sure what they’ll do when they find out. Yeah, I’ll be up shit creek for sure. But fuck em… I just don’t care. Tomorrow Dylan, Jess and me are gonna skip school. We’re going to the city for the day. It will be awesome.

Sept 30

The city was so much fun. We finished off our pillz and walked around looking at the skyscrapers. I love the city. Everything moves so fast there. The people are all on a mission. And everyone fits in. No one looks at you strange if you look or act different. Everyone fits in, in the city. I want to live there so bad. Maybe Jess, Dylan and me can get a place there. School sucks, we could just drop out and get on with our lives. Get jobs and live life out loud! I would LOVE that!

We went to the park and just chilled for hours. We laid on our backs and watched the clouds swirl around. We saw silly animals and shapes in the clouds just like when we were kids. I
t was an awesome day.

Oct 5

I
’m outta pillz. I am cutting myself all the time. I just can’t take it. I can’t take being inside my own head. I can’t stand my own thoughts. I just want silence. I want it all to go the fuck away and leave me the hell alone. Please… LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!

Oct 6

Jess knows a guy where we can get some pillz. I stole twenty bucks from my mom’s purse. I need some pillz. They last longer than the weed and I can take them anytime. Yeah, the guy said that I could get like 3 pillz for twenty bucks. But he said that he’d give me 10 pillz for twenty bucks if I gave him a blow job. It was just a blow job. And he had a small dick so it didn’t even gag me. He came pretty fast so it was over with and I got my pillz. He made me swallow his jizz though. I hate that. It tastes so gross.

We went back to Dylan
’s and I washed the taste out of my mouth with a beer. I took and pill and chilled on the couch. Dylan grabbed some of his folks weed and we burned a bowl. It felt great. Jess passed out again and Dylan told me that the blow job I gave that guy looked mighty nice. I was high and in a good mood, so I sucked him and fucked him. It was nice to feel touched by someone that actually cared about me.

Dylan la
id down next to me and he told me that he loved me. It kind of shocked me. I asked him what about Jess and he said that he loved her too. He loved us both. I never had a guy tell me he really loved me before. Ben said it, but that was just to try to get in my pants. He never said it after we fucked like Dylan did. I knew that Dylan meant it.

We have been through a lot of shit together and he was always there for me. He knew me like no one else knew me. I told him that I loved him too then he fucked me again. This time slower and he looked me
in the eyes like a real boyfriend. It was really nice.

Oct 12

Well, the shit is hitting the fan. My parents found out about my grades. I am grounded for like
ever
mom says. They are saying that I might get held back and have to take classes over again. This sucks… luckily I have some pillz stashed away so I can get through this. Jess just called and we are skipping school tomorrow. What does it matter, I am flunking anyway… it can’t get any worse than that. I can just take the rest of the year off, right?

I am having problems finding places to cut myself that my mom won
’t see. I have used up all the good spots. Now I’m starting to re-cut old wounds. I don’t care. I like the way it feels. I wanna be numb on the inside. I just can’t. All these thoughts and memories keep haunting me. It keeps coming back in my dreams… day dreams and night dreams. Who am I anymore? I don’t even recognize myself and when I do, I don’t like myself so I try to block her out.

Get me out of this damn town! I hate it here.
I feel people looking at me… at me and Dylan and Jess. Judging us, condemning us. What the fuck do they know about us? Fuck them… fuck them ALL!!!!!

Oct 25

Hi. I forget what day of the week it is. I forget where I am half the time. That guy is giving me pillz for blow jobs all the time now. I even let him fuck me a couple of times. I don’t care. I just want the pillz. I need the pillz. He has a little dick and he’s quick so what the hell. He’s fucked Jess a couple of times too. We just laugh when we leave. Then we get high and chill and enjoy life! It’s all worth it in the end.

Nov 15

Damn it!
Bob got us again. We were passed out at Dylan’s and Bob came home early. He fucked Jess, then he fucked me. I didn’t really care. I was high. If you don’t fight him he won’t hurt you. I just let him have it. He was over and done and gone quick enough.

Bob
’s an ass but it’s just sex. It’s not like it means anything, or that I love him. I hate him actually. I wish he were dead. But sometimes I wish I was dead too.

He
gave us a six pack and some weed when he was done. Jess and I just sat around and made fun of him after he left. Fuck him… right? We’re better than that. Yeah, life is good. Good beer, good buzz, good friends… sweet!

Nov

I know it’s November… but I forget the day, sorry. Hey it’s getting pretty heavy here. Mom is freaking out at me all the time. I sneak out when I can. I hate to come home cause all she does is bitch at me. Okay so maybe I fucked up my life. It’s my damn life, leave me alone. Fuck them… they don’t know me. I’m not their little baby anymore. Leave me the hell alone.

Mom and Larry got into a big fight tonight. I heard Larry
yelling at mom, “You need to get her under control.”

Mom
yelled back, “She’s not your kid. Mind your own damn business.” She shoved him and he got really mad.

He grabbed her and slammed her head against the wall. I
ran in and screamed at him to stop. He smacked me with the back of his hand across my face. He pointed at me and yelled, “This is all your fault. I hope you’re happy.”

I slid down onto the ground crying and holding my throbbing face. I watched him grab his things and storm out the door.

I didn
’t know what to do. Mom cried for a long time. She hugged me. “I’m sorry, baby. I love you, but I can’t go through this again.”

I didn
’t understand what she meant.

She looked me deep in the eye and said
, “I think you’re old enough to know the truth. Your real dad used to hit me… a lot. He liked to beat the shit out of me. Almost killed me a couple of times. He’s in prison because of it.”

I never knew any of this. What was the big secret? Why did she think that she couldn
’t tell me this? It would explain why my dad never comes to see me!

I yelled at
her, “What other secrets are you keeping from me?”

She crie
d until she had mascara running down her face. She looked like such a mess. Why the hell was she my mom? Why did she lie to me? I don’t feel like I can trust her anymore. What else has she lied to me about? Everyone lies to everyone. Everyone hurts everyone. What the fuck???

I gotta go cut…
I gotta get them out of my head. FUCK THEM ALL!!!!

Dec

Christmas is coming and guess what... I think I’m pregnant. I don’t know when I had my last period. What a Christmas present!

Jess said that sometimes you don
’t have periods when you are high a lot like we are. I thought that was it, but my stomach’s starting to pooch out a little. I know that something’s wrong. I went and got one of those tests and it said that I am. Preggers… gonna be a mama… yeah right. That ain’t gonna happen. No way in hell!!!!!!

I don
’t even know whose it is. Dylan? Ben? The needle dick with the pillz? Or it could even be Bob or his asshole friends? I don’t care, I just want it gone. I want it out of me… before my mom finds out. Oh God, what have I done. My life is such a mess. I want to get myself straightened out. I want to go to college. I don’t want to be a stoner all the time, fucking people for pillz. I want my life back.

I don
’t want to end up like my mom, or Bob. I want to go far away from here and start my life over. I want to care about people again. I want to care about myself again. I want to laugh and smile and feel like I have something to live for. I miss me.

That sounds so strange, but I do
n’t even know who I am anymore. I miss me. I want to find me again. I know that I’m still in here somewhere, hidden under the pain and the dope and the bullshit.

I gotta get myself cleaned up. But what do I do about this kid? I gotta get rid of it. Even i
f I had the baby it would be all screwed up by the drugs and shit. It’s gotta be retarded in there. It just wouldn’t be right. I know it wouldn’t. What do I do? FUCK!!!!!! This sucks…

Christmas …

The whole family is together. They are all whispering and I know it’s about me. Jake flat out told me that I look like royal shit. I know that I do. I just don’t care. Why the fuck should I care? Should I look pretty so someone can just fuck me? Maybe if I look ugly and dirty then people will keep their hands off me! I gotta go cut. I need the release.

I bled pretty bad on that one. But it felt so good. I just don’t care. Like the song says,
I bleed just to know I’m alive!
No one understands. Just Jess and Dylan. They are the only ones that get me. Fuck this family bullshit. I’m outta here. First chance I get, I’m out the door!  Jess, Dylan and me are talking about getting a place in the city. I don’t think any of our families would care. They would be happy to see us go. And we would be soooo much happier without all of their bullshit! Merry fucking Christmas!!!!

January
something…

Dylan knows this guy who says he can get rid of the kid. I
’m gonna go see him tomorrow. Dylan said that we can cut school and he’ll take me.