Candi (6 page)

Sept 11

Okay so last night was great. We sat around and got high as kites. We watched a movie called Sex Drive and it was hilarious. I spewed beer out of my nose I laughed so hard. I had so much fun with Dylan and Jess. It was nice to get my mind off things with Ben. I’m young I should be having FUN!

Going back to Dylan
’s tonight to hang out some more. I’m having a blast with them. We just get high and laugh and have fun. They have been really good friends to me through all of this. I’m glad I have them.

I just got home and my mom is b
lubbering because it’s 9-11. Oh my gosh… Get over it woman. Why are grown ups so consumed with stuff that doesn’t even affect them? I don’t get it. Maybe they all need to just smoke some pot and chill out! Grown ups think they know everything… they don’t know shit about shit!

Chapter 4

~Happy pillz~

Sept 12

Oh hell, it’s family day again. This is bullshit. I don’t want to have to be stuck with these people allllllll day. Mom will want to know how I am. What am I supposed to tell her? That my life is pure shit? That I’m losing Ben, the love of my life? That I had sex and drank beer and smoked weed? Oh yeah, that would be great… that would be a real fun family day. She just doesn’t get it.

Hey J
ess gave me a pill last night… to help me cope with Ben. Maybe I’ll take that today. Maybe it will fog me out so I can deal with the parentals. I can only hope.

I’m back…

Wow, that pill worked magic. I
’m in such a GREAT mood. I actually had fun today. Mom and me baked cupcakes and we watched a movie together. We actually got along. One pill put me in such a happy mood and I didn’t care. I want some more of that for sure. I can get through anything with those happy pillz. Night, night…

Sept 13

I saw Paige and Missy at school today. I tried to smile at them at lunch but they gave me a half smile and looked away. I kinda miss being friends with them. They look so sweet and innocent. They are sweet and innocent. I don’t want to be like that anymore. I like being a woman and doing grown up things, but I miss talking to them. I miss having someone to call at all hours of the night if I want to talk. I miss having friends. I have Jess and Dylan, but they aren’t really great friends. They just want to party and have sex; which is cool most of the time. But I kinda just want to go to the mall or a movie.

I asked Dylan and Jess if they wanted to go to a movie this weekend and they busted out laughing at me. What douches…

Sept 14

Jess gave me another one of those
pillz for school. Ben was all over Becca every time I saw them, but I didn’t really care. I know how he feels when he’s with me. He’ll get over Becca and come back to me I just know he will. Until then I will wait patiently and try to numb myself with Jess’s happy pillz. So far so good.

My grades are starting to suck. I need to focus on my grades and not consume all my thoughts with Ben. I wonder if Dylan and Jess wanna get together and study tonight. I know that
Paige and Missy would have helped me. I miss them. I miss the way we used to be. But that is over and gone… the new me is mature and frisky! I like it… I think.

Sept 14

I need help. I don’t know what to do and I don’t have anyone I can talk to. I was over at Dylan’s house and we were trying to study. We got bored so Dylan got some weed and we got high. Dylan started putting the moves on me, but I told him no that I was waiting for Ben to come back to me. He said that was cool but then started telling me all this shit about how it’s okay to be with other people while you wait, and that Ben was with other people so why shouldn’t I?

He
was making sense and I was really high… so we started fooling around. We were pretty much naked on the couch almost doing it when his step-dad barged in through the door. Dylan got all freaked out and told me to get dressed.

His step-dad,
Bob came in, put his stuff down on the counter and came over to the couch. He saw what we were doing and saw the weed on the table. He got mad and said that he was gonna call my parents. Dylan stood up and tried to talk to Bob but he punched Dylan in the face and told him to shut the hell up.

Bob
called Dylan a worthless punk who didn’t know jack shit. Then he looked at me and said that we needed to talk about this. Dylan’s nose was bleeding really bad. He came over to me and told me to just do whatever he wanted or we would both be in big trouble. Then he left and went to the bathroom to fix his nose. He just left me there with the crazy guy.

Bob sat down next to me and picked up the
bag of weed. He asked me where we got it from. I told him that I didn’t know… I really didn’t know. Dylan just had it. Bob lit up a joint and smoked most of it, and then he offered me some. I told him no that I didn’t want it, but he got really mad at me and told me to quit being a bitch and smoke it, so I did.

I was already buzzed to start with, I didn
’t want any more. I thought that maybe he just wanted to smoke Dylan’s weed then he would leave us alone. That didn’t happen.

After he finished the joint, he told me to suck his dick. I thought he was kidding at first. But he unzipped his pants and pulled out his dick. He smiled at me and told me that he might negotiate and not tell my parents if I made it worth his while.

Then he grabbed my hair and yanked my head down. I wanted to bite it off. It tasted sooooo bad. Like, he was all sweaty and dirty down there. He made me suck his balls. They tasted like dirty ass.

I started to gag at one point and he laughed at me.
              After he got hard he grabbed the back of my head and kept jamming his dick into my mouth really hard. I thought he was going to make me puke, but I didn’t. Then he forced me down on the ground and tried to climb on top of me. I started hitting him and told him no, to get off of me. I was still naked from Dylan so I had very little defense from him.              

He grabbed my hair again and held me down. He slapped me
across the face and said, “Oh… you like it rough huh?”

“
No. I want you to stop.”

With a smirk he said, “
If I stop, I’ll get the phone and call your parents. I’ll tell them you was fucking Dylan and doing drugs at my house. Is that what you want me to do?”

I shook my head.
I didn’t know what to do. I was high and confused. I started to cry when I thought of my mom’s face if he called her. I could see her disappointment in me. I would be grounded for life.

I remembered what Dylan had said; just do what he wants or we
’ll get in big trouble. I still resisted but he kept going. He slapped me again and I just closed my eyes. He bit my nipple really hard and it hurt. He laughed again when he saw me crying and slammed his dick into me hard. I just tried to zone out and get through it. He kissed me and his breath smelled like coffee, beer and weed and just nasty bad breath. It was so gross I almost puked. He jammed his tongue in my mouth and moaned. He fucked me hard and kept pulling my hair as he held me down.

Then he turned me over like he wanted to do it doggie style.
I was relieved that I wouldn’t have to look at him or kiss him.

But then he slammed his dick into my asshole. I screamed it hurt so bad. He just laughed and said,
“Yeah, you know you like it.”

I didn
’t like it, it hurt. The more pain he caused me the more he seemed to get off on it. I tried to pull away from him but he would just yank my hair really hard and push it in further. Finally he came inside me and he was done. I was so glad when he was finished.

What have I done? I didn
’t know what else to do. I didn’t want to get in trouble or get Dylan in trouble either. Dylan was about my only friend. His step dad was a real ass. It was just sex right. It didn’t mean anything. I just did what I had to do to keep the peace.

Bob got up and left the house. I grabbed my clothes and hurried to the bathroom. Dylan wasn
’t there. I could hear loud music from his bedroom so I assumed he was in there.

I tried to clean myself up. I was bleeding from my asshole. It hurt so bad. Was this normal or did he do something really bad to me? People do it up the butt all the time so
I must be okay, right?

When I came out of the bathroom Dylan was there. He was just sitting on the couch waiting for me. I sat down next to him and he hugged me
and said, “I’m so sorry. He’s gone and won‘t be back for a while. I try to not have people over when I know Bob’s gonna be here because he’s such an asshole.” He looked into my eyes. “I’m really sorry. Are you okay?”

I nodded.

Dylan looked at me and said, “Jess has to do that all the time. It’s okay.”

What an ass his step
-dad is. He does that to Jess all the time? Poor Jess. Why didn’t she tell me? Poor Dylan. How do you live with a guy like that?

I looked at Dylan and saw that his nose was still bleeding. I grabbed a tissue and tried to wipe up the blood. Dylan looked at me and started to cry. I hu
gged him and told him that it was okay. I was fine and it was over with. I can’t imagine living with that guy. Never knowing if he was gonna snap like that. Never being able to bring friends over or he’d go off like that. I feel really bad for Dylan. I’m okay… I can go home, but this is Dylan’s home. I’m glad that I’m Dylan’s friend. I think he needs a friend. What a day…. So much for studying!

Sept 15

It
’s the middle of the night and I can’t sleep. I had a bad dream about Bob. I know what he did to me was wrong but I kind of feel like I deserved it. I was doing bad things and I got caught. I was having sex with Dylan and Ben, so what did it really matter? It’s not like I am pure and innocent. Sex is just sex.

Dylan said that Jess did it too, so it wasn
’t just me. Jess probably had to do it a bunch of times. It was over and done with, but I can’t get it out of my mind. Him on top of me, grunting. It made my skin crawl.

I took an hour long shower when I got home and I still feel dirty. My asshole is still
bleeding too. I want to talk to someone about it, but I can’t. Maybe I can talk to Jess tomorrow, but I am embarrassed. It’s a strange conversation to have with someone. I’ll be fine. I just wish I could sleep. I wish I could close my eyes and not feel him on me and in me. I wish none of this had ever happened. I’d better get Ben back after all this.

Please get all of these thoughts out of my mind. I feel sick and angry and sad. I feel dirty
, but a dirty that’s inside, that I can’t wash off. Please make it stop… Please let me sleep, I am sooooooooooooo tired….

Sept 16

Yeah it’s official I got my midterms and I’m like barely passing anything. School sucks. Teachers suck. Parents suck. Everyone just takes all the fun out of living. I want one of Jess’s happy pillz. I gotta find her. Come out, come out wherever you are…

Dylan called me and told me to come over. Jess was coming over and had something special for me. I can’t wait… happy pillz I hope. I made sure that Bob wasn’t gonna be there. Dylan said that we were safe tonight. Bob was at the bar.

Oh Jess is the best. She gave me something called X. It was amazing. I felt so good. I just wanted to touch myself and kiss the world. It made me feel that good. Nothing bothered me… not school, not my parents, not my grades, not even Ben. I was just chilled-out happy. It was AWESOME!

We heard a car door slam. Jess and I looked at each other and ran and jumped out the bathroom window. We weren
’t waiting around to see if it was Bob coming home for seconds. We were outta there!

We laughed the whole way home. We felt like detectives or something, jumping out of the window like that. It was really cool. We can outsmart that asshole Bob.

Jess came back to my house and spent the night. Mom said it was okay. She
was happy to see me with a friend again. She even came up and brought us cookies and milk. For real mom…? Cookies and milk, what are we five years old? The cookies were kind of good actually. Jess and I had the munchies.

We slept together in the same bed.
I woke up in the middle of the night and Jess was touching my mouth with her fingertip. She started rubbing my boob and grinding on my leg. It felt nice. I still felt warm and fuzzy from the X. Jess had one more pill so we split it. I was so high I barely knew what I was doing. Everything Jess did to me felt so good. I never thought that I would be with another girl. It was different than the guys. She was soft and gentle. She touched me like a girl would want to be touched. She kissed me and her lips were so soft. She tasted so good. I wanted more.

Then she went down on me. I thought that maybe I had cum with the guys before, but
it was never like this before. Jess drove me crazy. She did things to me that I didn’t even know were possible. I felt like it was wrong what we were doing, but it felt so good that I didn’t care. I didn’t want it to stop. After I came, Jess laid next to me and kissed me. I could taste myself on her lips and I liked it. I touched her bare boob. Her nipples were hard. I kissed her nipple and she moaned. I wanted her to feel as good as I had felt. I slid my fingers between her legs and she spread her legs and moaned even more. I kissed her then I moved my kisses across her breast and down to her stomach.