California Sunshine (21 page)

              "You're kiddin' me. I know you thought he cheated, but you didn't take it that far."

              "Exactly! That's why I told him that I know he don't do the same shit. He relishes in the attention from chicks. Everyone does when it comes to the opposite sex. I told him to get out. I ain't doin' this bullshit. If there ain't no trust there ain't no relationship."

              She sighed heavily. "Jo. I'm sorry. Maybe Mike can help ya'll. He knows Josh better than I do."

              "I don't want help. I want him back in California. I'm gonna go, though. Have a Merry Christmas."

              "Jo--", but before I let her continue I hung up.

              When I finally came out of my room I noticed Josh's stuff was still where I'd put it. I found him sitting on the couch, scrolling through his phone.

              "What the hell are you still doin' here? I told you to leave." I said, making my way to the kitchen.

              "I'm not giving up."

              "Well you might as well. We're over."

              "Jo, I'm sorry. I overreacted. I know it's easy to do, come on, talk to me. Please."

              "What's there to talk about? I get it, Josh, I do. I shoulda never thought you were cheatin' on me, but I did. I woulda introduced you sooner, but I couldn't get a word in and you know it. It's not like I wasn't gonna say nothin'. And that night I went out and ended up havin' a drink with him, the only thing on my mind was you. Yeah, I'll admit I look at guys, but it's not like I'm gonna actively pursue 'em. You look at girls, it's just somethin' that everybody does. Only reason I never told him I had a boyfriend is 'cause it never came up. I don't even know if he's single, taken, screwin' random girls. I. Don't. Know! I was just tryin' to do my job, just like when you're givin' CPR you ain't gonna be like, 'Oh, I'm sorry I got a girlfriend I cain't do this.' It's almost the same thing. Maybe you were just tryin' to get me back, I don't know. I just know that I know I fucked up and I'm payin' for it. I also know that I ain't fightin' with you about my job. So take it or leave it. I've already told you that I believe you when you say you ain't cheatin', you could maybe believe me, or do you just really not trust me. Or are you insecure?"

              "I'm not insecure. I just know I love you more than I've ever loved anyone--".

I cut him off. "Bullshit. You're eight years older than me, there was someone at some time that you loved more than anything in this world, and there's a reason you don't talk about her."

              "Okay, fine. There was, at one time, but there's a reason I don't talk about her."

              "And am I ever gonna know? I mean, are you gonna keep secrets from me forever. There's things about you I have no idea about. You realize that right? I've been an open book and you, you've been keepin' secrets. Why?"

              "I don't know."

              I shook my head, angry and hurt. "I don't think this is ever gonna work if you cain't start tellin' me some of your secrets. Are they that bad?"

              "No, I just don't talk about them. Yeah I've loved one other girl, I would've done anything for her, but I never got that chance."

              "Well if you ever wanna talk about it I'll listen. For now, though, I think we need to just not be a couple. You can stay here, but we're friends now."

              He groaned. "Why are you doing this Jo?"

              "Because you're a stranger. Yeah okay, I love you as much as I can without really knowin' you. I'd do anything for you, but then it occurred to me after I flew off the deep end about you cheatin' that maybe why I thought that is 'cause I don't know your past. I know this Josh, the one standin' in my kitchen holdin' secrets inside that only the Lord knows about. Yet I've opened up to you and told you everything that was relevant. Hell, I had boyfriends, but I never loved any of 'em so they ain't relevant."

              "Fine. You wanna know my secrets, get comfortable."

He sounded angry all over again but I couldn't help to not care. I needed to know him if this was going to go anywhere else. I grabbed a bag of pretzels and two sparkling waters and sat down at the table.

              "Her name was Jessica. We were together in high school and college. We were in our senior year of college when I asked her to marry me. We had it all planned out, we were going to graduate, work for a year in our careers and get married. Two years after we were going to start our family. Well, one night we made some decisions that, looking back now, changed our entire lives. She got pregnant. Of course, we were over the moon, but during her six month check up the doctors couldn't find a heartbeat. We'd lost the baby. She was very, very depressed for almost a year. Then it's like a switch changed, she seemed like she was better. I was supposed to be going out of town to visit family for the summer, she said she wanted to stay behind this time. I was fine with that, I wasn't going to make her do something she wasn't ready to do. Well, I was in Washington State for two weeks when I got the phone call that would change my life forever. Her best friend Stephanie went to visit with her and she couldn't get Jessica to the door so she used the spare key. She had hung herself."

              My heart broke into a million little pieces, and I felt terrible for making him tell me.

"I am so, so sorry," I whispered.

              "It took me years to be okay, so when I say I've never loved anyone like I love you it's partially true. I loved Jessica, but after she lost the baby things were a little strained. Our love was different, though, we had been friends first. You, though, I fell for you like there'd never been anyone else. It's like you were who I was really meant for."

              "I feel terrible, though, making you tell me."

              "You didn't make me. I could have chosen to walk away, leave this as something that could have been. I told you, though, I'm gonna fight for you no matter what. That was years ago, and yeah I wonder sometimes if I could've done anything different, but I've learned to let go for the most part."

              "Is that why you're super careful now not to have kids?"

              "A little bit. That and I never found the right woman, until you came along."

              "Whoa, what?" I asked.

              He smiled. "If and when you're ready. That came out the wrong way, but if I want to have kids and if you ever decide you want the same thing, I'd want to have them with you."

              "And if I never want kids?"

              "Then you never want kids."

              "Why? Why do you do that? Most guys push for it when they're ready, not you. You're willin' to do whatever I want."

              He laughed. "Because I truly love you. Yeah, I might try to get you to change your mind about a few things, but I'll never try to push you to change your mind or be someone other than yourself."

              After talking a while longer, I realized I was starving.

"Want me to order food?" I asked, looking up at Josh whose lap my head was resting in. We had moved to the couch long ago.

              "If you want. Or I can cook."

              I smiled. "I can cook too, just don't want to. I'll order food, you pick a movie."

              "Sounds good to me. You got any Christmas movies?" He asked, brushing my hair away from my face.

              I nodded. "Of course I do." I couldn't help but whisper in reply. Something in his eyes said that this was meant to be. That I needed to change my attitude and love him like I knew he deserved.

              "Christmas Story?"

              I laughed as I sat up. "Sounds good to me. Mind if I surprise you with food? I'm pretty sure I know what you like and don't like."

              "Fair enough," He replied as he went over to my rack of movies.

              We had finished our food, Josh complimenting it several times. The movie was almost over and we were curled up on the couch together. He had gone and gotten a blanket for us. It wasn't quite cold enough for a fire, but it was chilly enough to want a blanket.

              As the credits began to roll I felt him take my hand and place it on his chest. I turned slightly and looked up at him.

              "This, belongs to you. I know it sounds corny, and you may not believe it after what I told you about Jessica earlier, but it's the truth. I never thought I'd love anyone ever again, then you came along and made me realize that it was you I'd been looking for."

              I turned to face him completely. I took his hand and placed it over my heart. "Even though we both know I'm crazy, know that this will always belong to you. The first and last person I will ever trust with it. I love you." I whispered, kissing him.

              He smiled against my lips, pulling me to him. "Let's make this a night neither of us will ever forget," He whispered, brushing a strand of hair away from my face.

              "You mean another night we'll never forget?" I asked, tugging on his shirt.

Chapter 22

              I woke up before Josh so I decided to take a quick shower and make breakfast. I smiled as I thought about all the times he'd done the same for me when I'd go visit him. I slowly slid out of bed and quickly made my way to the bathroom. I turned the water on, letting the steam fill the bathroom before I actually got in.

              I had taken a longer than anticipated shower, but Josh was still asleep by the time I got out. I quickly got dressed in lazy girl clothes and headed to the kitchen. I grabbed all the ingredients to make red velvet waffles. I smiled remembering the time that Josh and I had gone out for breakfast and we both had red velvet pancakes. We were miserably full afterward, but we had both agreed that it was well worth it.

              I had the bacon frying in one pan, the pancakes cooking in another when my phone rang.

              "Ain't you supposed to be enjoyin' family today?" I asked.

              Ashley laughed. "I am. We got in yesterday. We actually flew here with Josh. We're assuming you two made up?"

              "Yes we did and I'm makin' breakfast."

              "Damn he rock your world or what?" She asked, a laugh in her voice.

              My face turned red, almost matching the uncooked pancake batter. "Oh. My. God! I mean, yeah he did, but seriously Ash?"

              She giggled. "I knew it! Mike told me not to give ya hell, but you know I wouldn't be me if I didn't."

              "Oh, I know."

              "On a serious note, though, how's things goin'?"

              "Well, better for the most part. We had an in-depth talk yesterday. I couldn't understand why he hadn't talked about anything from his past when I've been an open book."

              "Oh Jo, so now you know?"

              "Wait, you knew? How?"

              "Mike and Josh have been friends forever. Mike knew and told me about a year or two after I met Josh. He doesn't know I know, so don't say nothing. Hey, my mama wants to know if y'all wanna come over for lunch."

              I looked at the clock, it was still fairly early. "I say sure, but I'll ask Josh when he gets up. Hey, I gotta go, bacon's almost done."

              She laughed. "Let me guess, turkey bacon?"

              "Ew, no. I might love healthy food and eating good but nothin', nothin' will ever make me eat turkey bacon. That's gross."