California Sunshine (17 page)

              "Well when she called last night, I was less than enthusiastic to talk apparently. She asked if we broke up, I asked her if we were s'posed to. She said no, but then I explained to her that I was just tired, and how this week's just packed. I don't know, I really don't. This is how I get when depression comes rollin' in. It hits without a warnin' and I'm down for a few days. This feels worse than normal."

              "What can I do to help?" he asked, the background getting quiet and that's when I realized he probably wasn't at home.

              "Are you out? Nothin', I'll be fine."

              "Yeah, I'm hanging out with some friends. No, Joanna, that's not how this works. I want to help you."

              I sighed. "You cain't. I know you want too, but you just cain't Josh. Then Emily, Amelia's mom asked about if things got serious between us was I gonna move. I don't know. This long distance thing is just, it's tirin'." I had the sudden realization that I was tired, tired of trying. Tire of flying. Tired of being in a relationship, even though it hadn't even been a week it felt like an eternity already. I knew it was just the depression, but it was hard to distinguish between real feelings and those that depression made me have.

"Well," he paused. Probably looking for the best way to say it. You ready Jo? You really ready? No, I'm not. I thought. "If you want to take a step back I'll understand. Maybe we're moving too fast."

              "I don't know what I want." What the hell are you thinkin'?! Tell him no, you want to be with him, you're just in a slump. Tell him!

              "Well, I want you to be happy. If that means it's easier without me I understand."

              Say something! Don't screw this up. You love him and you know it! This isn't movin' too fast, but you're damn sure gonna regret this in the mornin' if you don't tell him somethin'. "I'm happier with you. This sadness just makes me want nothin'. Does that make sense? Probably not. It's like this void inside me, there's a darkness swirlin' and it's tryin' to swallow me alive. Give me a few days and I'll be better you'll see. Right now, though, I just want to watch my movie, eat my crap food and wallow. I want you to go back to havin' fun with your friends. I love you, have a great day at work tomorrow. I'll call you when I'm better." With that, I hung up before he could say anything, and just covered my head with the blanket. I was ready to hibernate.
 

Chapter 17

              Almost a week passed before I had talked to anyone. Ashley had called me every day and I ignored her, I didn't want to talk to her. By the time I called Josh things were a little strained until I explained my situation to him. I knew he was trying to understand everything, I also knew it wasn't easy.

              "I'm sorry. I'm tryin'."

              "I know baby. I just don't know what to do." He said, sounding defeated.

              "I don't know either. It's hard, I know it is. It's different for me bein' with somebody who actually cares. I'm just tryin' to wrap my head around that."

              He chuckled. "I bet. Nobody else ever cared?"

              "No. I'd get down and they'd just be like, 'oh you're fine.' I never was, but I'd put a happy face on and deal. I think that's what made it worse, tryin' to be happy when I wasn't."

              "Well, you don't have to pretend now. If at any time you just need time alone, all you have to do is tell me. I mean I was worried, hell yeah, but I just tried to understand. You scared me, though, I really thought we were gonna end up breaking up."

              I smiled. "I don't think that'll ever happen. I say some crazy stuff when I'm down, though. Things that at the time I think I want. But enough about this craziness that is me; you got any plans for Christmas?"

              "Just hanging out with my parents. Wishing you'd be here, but I understand."

              "Thank you. I'm sorry I ain't gonna be there. I think I just need some rest, though. Think about it, I've flown out there twice since that first time in September. Every month I've been on a plane."

              I could hear the smile in his voice when he replied. "I know, I know. I still have to surprise you. Hey, the other day Ashley and Mike were talking about being there for Christmas, you're not gonna hang out with them for Christmas?"

              I scoffed. "Uh, yeah, probably not. I ain't talked to Ashley in about a week. I just don't really wanna talk to her. She'll have somethin' to say."

              He sighed. "Maybe not. She's your best friend. Call her."

              "We'll see. I might call her later. I know what she's gonna say, though."

              "Maybe not. You can't predict the future unless there's something you wanna tell me."

              I laughed. "Nope, no fortune teller here, just a girl who's seen it before."

              "Well, maybe that girl should have a little more faith."

              I laughed again. "Faith. What's faith? I mean, I used to know what faith was, but I ain't had faith in years. Faith abandoned me like everyone else that was in my life that's left."

              "Faith didn't abandon you. Maybe you abandoned faith?"

              I took what he said in and mulled it over for a few minutes. "Maybe you're right, but I do have faith in you, in us. If that's the only faith I have, well then I guess that's all the faith I need."

              "No, you need faith in Ashley, in Mike. You need faith in love, in life. Don't put all your faith into one person, one thing. If I've learned anything people are going to fail you on a daily basis, but that shouldn't make you lose faith in other important things. I'm not gonna let you down, at least, I'm gonna try not to let you down. What about faith in God?"

              "What about faith in God? I ain't got much, if any faith there."

              "Why?"

              "Why not?"

              We were both quiet for a little while. Our religions and our faith had never come up before. I was a little worried that this conversation was going South.

              "Let me ask you something. Do you not have faith in God because you feel like He turned His back too?"

              I sighed heavily. "No I don't have faith in God 'cause I was always taught that if you live your life by His word, you'd reap the rewards. So far I've only seen heartbreak and abandonment. Maybe I don't have faith in Him because instead of placin' blame on the ones that deserve it, I blamed Him for everything. I know I shouldn't, I'm fully aware that He's not the one to blame, but it was easier to blame Him for my parent's death. I should've blamed them, but they weren't here so that I could yell at 'em for bein' stupid and leavin' me. So instead, I yelled at Him and turned away from faith. People tell me all the time that I need to find my way back, but I think holdin' onto the anger and hate for some imaginary person in the sky is easier than hatin' my parents, hatin' Lance."

              "Maybe it's time to start being angry at the people you should be angry at. Ask for forgiveness. Jo, I love you, but you've got to let go of the past and start working on your future."

              "Maybe you're right, but it's hard for me to pray. It's been hard for a long time."

              "Why?"

              "'Cause if I wanted to talk to myself I would."

              "Do you just not believe in God?" He asked, sounding perplexed.

              "Not really, no. I believe in treatin' people the way you'd wanna be treated. I believe in karma. I don't believe in an imaginary guy in the sky. I'm sorry."

              "Don't be sorry. If that's how you feel, that's how you feel."

              "Now let me ask you somethin'. Do you believe in God?" I asked, sitting back on the couch, ready to hear his explanation.

              "Yeah. I do. I'm sure that's hard to believe, but just because I don't go to church doesn't mean I don't believe. It keeps me sane. You might think he's imaginary, but I don't. I believe our destinies are designed by Him before we're even born. I believe we were supposed to meet, I believe we were supposed to go through what we've been through to be ready for each other. Fate is a miraculous thing, and I believe God shapes us with trials and tribulations so that when we find our soulmate we're ready to be the best partner we can be."

              After our conversation, I realized that maybe he'd been right. I also realized that I hadn't had faith in longer than I had first thought. I had always tried and failed miserably. I just couldn't wrap my mind around the fact that people worshiped a being they'd never know for sure existed. I had always gone to church, hell I even sang in the choir, but in my heart, I never believed. I was never sure why I was more spiritual than religious. I had my own beliefs, but no one knew that because I'd learned at an early age that people were going to disagree. It was always easier to just keep my mouth shut than try arguing with the ignorance of people who didn't want to even try and see things from others points of view.

              I was jolted from my thoughts when my phone began to ring. I looked at it, already knowing that it was Ashley.

              "I'm sorry," I answered.

              "I am too. We're coming out for Christmas and I'd love to see you."

              I smiled. "Sounds good to me. Hey, I wanted to ask you somethin'."

              "What's up?"

              "Okay, so Josh and I were talkin' about faith and religion earlier. Don't ask why we just were, I wanna know what you believe. What you really believe."

It went quiet for a while, and when she finally answered she somewhat blew me away.               "What does it matter who believes what? Have you murdered somebody? Has Josh? Committed felonies? Cheated? Stole? No? Well shit, does it matter then? I know what you both believe in, and I know you two don't see eye to eye on it, but you know what? Love is meeting in the middle. You can believe in nothing and he can believe in God, as long as neither of you pushes it on the other what the hell does it matter? Yeah, I believe in God, you know that. But to me religion is understanding people, showing compassion. I haven't gone to church since I was sixteen, but my parent's don't push me. Why? Because they know I believe. Have you ever heard that saying: 'Going to church every Sunday doesn't make me a Christian any more than standing in my garage makes me a car.'? Not every person that goes to church is a Christian, and not every person that doesn't go is a sinner. Shit, believe what you want. You wanna believe in comin' from monkeys then believe it! Wanna believe in doin' unto other's as you'd have them do unto you? Fine! Why are religion and spirituality such a big damn deal?"

She was reeling and I had to giggle. I didn't mean to get her so fired up about it, but I should've known it was going to happen.

              "It didn't start a fight or nothin' between us. I just wanted to know what you thought. I do get what you're sayin' though. We've always agreed on that, only I think, 'cause I knew you believed and you knew I didn't."

              "Okay, now can I ask you why you really don't believe?" She asked, and that kind of derailed me.

              "Because of my--"

              "No, Jo. Not 'cause of your parents. You've always had a hard time believing. What happened that was so bad that you lost all faith?"

              "I don't know. I really don't. As long as I can remember I've never had faith. Maybe I wasn't meant to? I don't know." I replied, feeling a little bewildered. I wasn't sure why I never had faith, but I knew it started at a very, very young age.