BUTTERFLIES FLY AWAY (5 page)

In their en-suite bathroom she opened the
cabinet.  His razor and blades sat on the countertop just as they had been
that last morning next to the can of shaving foam.  For a second her
finger hesitated above the blade, tempted to run across and feel the
sharpness.  To give her body a different kind of pain from the grief that
tore through her.  But she didn’t.  She emptied bottles of
moisturiser, shampoo and an assortment of other toiletries that he had into the
bin bag.  His toothbrush the last thing that she put in the bin. 
Feeling disloyal at removing these intimate items.  But she wouldn’t have
asked Claire to do this.  It was something that she alone had to
do.   She wiped the work top around the sink again and again until no
traces of the shaving foam remained from that day.  It was now clinical in
its emptiness. 

She kept an assortment of things to bring her
comfort, a battered old sweatshirt that he would lounge around the house in.
 The elbows thinned from use but it still smelled of Rob.  It held
his scent.  She would bundle it up and sleep with it under her
pillow.  She had tried to bin it several times in the past but was glad
now that she hadn’t.  It took on the form of a comfort blanket to her.  She
kept a few of his ties for her Dad.  Ones that her Dad had admired in the
past and she knew he would wear as a memento of his son in law and his friend.
 She also kept some boxes for Robs parents.  There would be a time
when they would need some physical reminders of their son too.  They
hadn’t parted on the best of terms after the funeral but Carrie knew they would
welcome any keep sakes.  Rob was a great sportsman and his study had all
the trophies that he had accumulated.  Photographs celebrating victories
and defeats although from the smiles on their faces it would be difficult to
ascertain which.  Some she left on the shelf and some she packed away for
his parents.  The study was Rob’s domain.  It was the one room in the
house she didn’t want to stay in for any great length of time but HR had asked
for Rob’s laptop back.  She took this time to look for it but the familiar
black bag was not there.  She would need to let them know it was not in
the house.  They had put the boxes she was keeping in the garage, the bags
for charity in the boot of the car to be dropped off tomorrow.

“What’s this?” Claire asked.  The two cardboard
boxes HR had left still in the garage, she hadn’t gotten round to opening
them.  She explained this to Claire and they brought them back into the
house.  “Well no time like the present then?”

The first box was like a career time capsule.
 Rob’s awards throughout the years at AGM, commendations for length of
service with the company and the same New Year photo that she had on her desk.
  That’s when Carrie broke and months of bottled up grief poured
out.  Claire rocked her sister, smoothed her hair and soothed the cooing
words as if she were holding her baby Harry.  Gradually it had the same
affect and Carrie fell asleep.  Exhaustion had set in and her body took
over, needing to rest.  Forcing her to finally give in. 

Claire called her husband Ryan and told him she
wouldn’t be home.  She didn’t want Carrie to wake up alone after the
breakthrough that her breakdown had brought.  She took a throw from the cupboard
and tucked it around a sleeping Carrie.  The glasses were added to the
dishwasher and she gave the kitchen a quick tidy of the debris of their supper
earlier.  Carrie and Rob had a lovely home but with Rob gone she knew
Carrie was struggling to find the heart of her home again. 

Carrie woke to the smell of freshly brewed
coffee.  For a millisecond she thought Rob was home before the world came
crashing down on her again. 

“Hey, sleepyhead. Coffee?”  Claire brought over
a mug of milky coffee and Carrie sat up her body achy from sleeping on the sofa
all night. “I didn’t want to wake you.”

“Thanks Claire, for everything last night .. for
staying with me. I appreciate it.”

They chatted for another while; Carrie drank some
more coffee and told Claire her decision to return to work. “I think it’s time.
It’s not that I want to but I can’t stay stuck at home.  It won’t bring
Rob back.  I can’t stay in hiding here anymore; away from everyone and all
the reminders.”

She spoke with HR, discussed a phased return to work
and agreed that the following week she would go back.  The boxes she
returned to the garage; unwilling to open any more.  There would be time
to go through them later.

It was rush hour and Carrie forgot just how busy
that was.  She had butterflies in her stomach as if it was her first day
at work and she had forgotten the road works that were threatened for months
had finally started.  She would have to take a detour to get to the office
and hopefully make it in on time.  Dressing for work she took out a dark
grey trouser suit and pale pink blouse that she had worn many times in the
past.  She had to add a belt to the trousers as they were loose on her
waist and tucked the blouse in.  In the past Rob would tell her that the
buttons would be straining to preserve her modesty but although she was a
little thinner on the waist her breasts hadn’t lost any of their size. 
The suit jacket also hung a little loose.  Oh well it would just have to
do until she went through her work wardrobe.  She didn’t have enough time
to look for something else to wear.

Stop start with the traffic, gaining little
momentum.  Then she realised the traffic was starting to back up and she
was in the middle of a gridlock.  A car had broken down and she could see
the hazard lights blinking in the distance.  The driver standing on the
hard shoulder on his mobile phone.  The siren of the police car sounded to
make space through the cars and guide the traffic around the broken-down
vehicle.  Carrie was struggling to breathe.  Panic was setting in to
her stomach.  The slow traffic and sound of the siren still blaring when
she realised that she was approaching the junction where Rob had died.
 The cars were slowly moving; she couldn’t turn or manoeuvre out of the
lane due to the gridlock.  Slowly, slowly the car crawled by and she
couldn’t close her eyes or she too would have an accident, couldn’t block out
the damaged section of barrier where it had dents and scrapes of black paint. 
The shiny new section that marked where the barrier had been repaired and
replaced.  And finally, the flowers.  A bunch of withered flowers by
the roadside and she guessed Rob’s parents had come after all to leave their
token of remembrance.

Once the traffic began to move she pulled off the
motorway as quick as she safely could opened the car door and threw up. 
Her empty stomach retching.  She knew she couldn’t go to work or try and
explain why she was in a state.  Didn’t want the sympathy or an awkward
silence.  So she phoned her boss Fiona and left an excuse that she had a
flat tyre and wouldn’t make it into work.  She would try again the next
day. 

The next day she left home earlier and took a
different but an uneventful route.  No diversions and she sat in the car
park 20 minutes early before braving the office.  She felt sick with
nerves.   The girls hugged her and welcomed her back.  They
apologised for the lack of contact and she awkwardly shrugged it off. 
Offered to make some tea and tried to make a joke about sugar or sweetener and
what everyone wanted for a brew.  Her desk was familiar but not.  A
large bouquet of flowers were waiting for her at her desk.  She opened the
small envelope and read the card.

“Welcome back from all at AGM”

Welcome?  God it wasn’t like she was returning
from a holiday it was bloody bereavement leave. 

It was obvious someone had been using her desk as
things were out of place.  She had an almost OCD preference for her
stationary.  The drawer had to be stocked and neat but was in disarray.
 She took note of what was needed, some pens and post it pads and went to
replenish her stationary from the cupboard. 

Tina had worked for the company for years had joked
that she had made it what it was.  But she was reluctant to take on any position
of authority and appeared content to ‘do her job and go home’.  Management
had approached her for the office supervisor role and she had declined
it.  She would tell anyone who would listen that she ‘gave’ Carrie the job
as she stood aside from the promotion.  Carrie had liked her but they
would never be the best of friends and there was that barrier between
them.  When Carries own job expanded and she was given more responsibility
they had offered her the office supervisor job.   

“I’ll speak to Fi  ... she won’t get rid of
you.” She heard Tina tell her daughter Lisa as they stood in the cupboard.
 When Carrie walked in they sprang apart.

“Hi Carrie, good to have you back” Tina recovered.
 Lisa nodded and quickly walked away.

So Lisa had been covering for her.  Makes sense
now the feeling someone had been at her desk and the almost dagger looks she
had been getting from Tina.

“Things have changed Carrie.  We had to
restructure a few things.  Tina’s been a godsend, so has Lisa.  Well
you have been ‘away’ for nearly three months” She was sitting in Fiona’s office
for her return to work ‘chat’.  She almost whispered the word away.

“But HR won’t keep Lisa on now that you are
back.  You know how
they
can be about these things.
 Headcount, headcount.  We already have our limit in the
department.  But good news we do get to keep her for a few more weeks
until you are settled back in.”

They spoke of customer news, management changes, and
this year’s public holidays.  Suggestions for the location for the staff
Christmas night out even though it was only June.  Everything but Rob’s
replacement and Carries job.  Time to get the elephant out of the room.

“So, who is doing Rob’s job?  Did they recruit
anyone internally?” She was grateful that the director’s offices were two
floors above so she didn’t have to pass his office.

“Oh, well err, it was Phil Scott.  You know
Phil from the Edinburgh office.  Everyone is really pleased for him but
big shoes to fill for Phil, fantastic opportunity, they don’t come around often
...  Herm I mean well, it won’t replace Rob, no-one could do that” as
usual Fiona was struggling to pull a coherent conversation together. 

They talked through her ‘new’ temporary duties, just
until she was ‘well’ enough to take them all back on.  In the interim her
direct staff would continue to report into Fiona.  Not to burden her with
their issues.  Fiona was emphatic that Carries salary wouldn’t be affected
by these changes.  Not that Carrie was bothered.  Fantastic, she was
already feeling totally inadequate and now she had to wait until she was deemed
‘well’.

It had started to rain, a slow steady rain that
seeps through your clothes and if you had hair like Carrie it made it
frizz.  The rain was not a good sign for August, would they ever get that
summer that was promised by the weathermen?  She really was stuck this
time, waiting for the repair man to fix her punctured tyre.  Another call
to Fiona to explain why she was running late.

“Again, I thought you had a breakdown a couple of
months ago?  Oh well I guess you will miss the presentation at 10am? 
I will ask Tina if she can step in
again
for you” and cut Carrie off,
not waiting for a reply or comment.

No umbrella and as instructed she was waiting by the
roadside until the AA could attend. Two hours later she was trying to fix the
frizzy mess of hair and wipe the mascara from her eyes.  She looked like a
panda.  No make-up in her bag to do a quick repair job. 

When she got to her desk there was a neon pink post
it on the screen.

“My office when you get in!!!!!!!!!!”  Yes, it
had 10 exclamation marks.  She counted every one of them.

She gave a general hello and walked up the stairs to
the 1
^st
floor and Fiona’s office.

Time for another bollocking; she had obviously made another
FU.  But she had no idea what for?  She didn’t think a punctured tyre
warranted 10 exclamation marks but who could tell with Fiona for a boss?
 The door was closed which was unusual in itself.  She knocked on the
door and opened it.  Tina was sitting with Fiona looking guilty like
co-conspirators.  They quickly shuffled paperwork into a bundle that had
been spread over the desk.

“Thanks Tina, you are a GODSEND!” Fiona exclaimed.
 “I really couldn’t have completed the presentation without you”

“No problem Fi  ... You know me  ... I’m
always
happy to help you!”

Tina gave her a smug look and left the room.

“You wanted to see me?”

“Yes, I do Carrie, well where do I start?”  She
swung back on her chair, starting fiddling with the pen in her hand. 
“There have been some
issues
recently  ... I think we have to have
a little chat.”

Carrie had worked for the company for almost four
years.  Was accomplished in her job, professional and good at what she did
but in the next ten minutes her confidence was slowly chipped away. 

A.N.OTHER – Fiona had not disclosed who had made
some complaints.  Lack of attention to detail had cost them a huge amount
of money to rectify that morning.  Carrie had sent the wrong consignment
to Mr Groves.  Transportation costs, stock that needed to be express
ordered and shipped would all be involved.  Fiona had
of course
personally
apologised on behalf of Carrie and naturally had put the error down to Carrie’s
bereavement!
  Mr Groves was disappointed but didn’t want it
taken any further.  They would have to monitor this and report it to HR as
of course
there was a financial cost to be written off.  Carrie
apologised, could not understand how the error occurred and assured Fiona it
would not be repeated.  She stood to leave the office, hand on the
doorknob.

“Carrie, did you get your car fixed?” she
questioned. “Yes, all sorted  ... just a puncture”

“Mmm maybe it’s time to get another car  ...
You’ve not had much luck lately with cars”

“I beg your pardon … “

Realising she had just made a massive faux pas Fiona
tried to recover “Erm I mean, your car, not Robs!  You know it wasn’t that
long ago that you had a breakdown, that’s what I mean... I mean breakdown with
the car not physically you having a breakdown... Which
of course
if you
did that would be
perfectly
acceptable...? Given your circumstances” she
rambled on.

“Are we done here?” Carrie left without waiting for
a reply.

When she returned to her desk it was obvious they
had been talking about her but quickly made a show that they weren’t.

“Tea, anyone want a cuppa?” was the general shout
out trying to salvage their conversation and not that they were gossiping about
the latest Carrie mistake.

“Not for me” Carrie declined and began her decline
and retreat at the workplace.

Fiona with the assistance of HR decided that Carrie
should continue on reduced duties until she was ‘well’.  She overheard
Fiona speaking with same HR manager who came to her house. “Yes AGM is tremendously
loyal to Rob and as his widow, we need to show that same loyalty to Carrie at
this difficult time!”

For the first time in her life work was making her
ill and she didn’t know how to express it.  If she burst into tears it was
assumed she was ‘grieving’ not that they were tears of anger at making a
mistake or forgetting simple tasks.  She felt like she was losing her
mind.  Walking away for a glass of water and then forgetting what she had
gotten up for.  Or walking to the printer but realising that she hadn’t
pressed the print button.  Walking about it a daze was what best described
her.  Home, work, home was her schedule.  She didn’t want to go
anywhere or visit friends or family or go to the gym.  She just wanted to
sleep when she got home.  That way she could try and forget Rob wasn’t
there; she could fall asleep dreaming of him.  In a bizarre way she
bargained with herself that she would have him in her dreams and everything
would be okay.  In her dreams they could be together again.  She knew
it was irrational but it got her through some tough days.  She wasn’t
eating enough as she had no appetite or energy.  At work she would stay at
her desk, attempting to eat a sandwich as she couldn’t go through the pretence
of sitting in the canteen with the others.  She didn’t want to hear how
well all their lives were or holidays booked or even marital disputes. 
She wanted to scream at them appreciate everything that you have and not take
it for granted.  But she didn’t.  The words were unsaid.  In the
past she would sit at lunch exchange stories or talk about what they had
watched the night before on TV.  Now she had no interest and she knew they
were relieved she didn’t join them.  Oh a few times they would press her
to join them but after her negative shake of the head and maybe next time
reply, they stopped asking.  It was awkward.  What would her reply be
to watching TV or what did she do at the weekend?  The TV was on for the
background noise at home but she didn’t know what program was on.  Oh the
weekend, mmm what did I do?  Well after crying herself to sleep, crying at
the supermarket over a carton of orange juice or even just crying because his
favourite rugby team was playing she could guess their responses.  A quick
turnabout and retreat.

The answer machine was bleeping when she got home
from another rough and bruising day. She pressed the button intending to delete
without listening.  If she didn’t listen to the messages the machine would
continue to bleep announcing, listen to me, listen to me!

“You have 7 messages,” Great, I’m popular,

“Message 1” she kicked off her shoes, flung her bag
and keys down and let the messages play out. “This is Parkville dental practice
and a message for Robert Davies we-“DELETE she couldn’t listen to any more of that.

“Message 2  .. Great News you are entered into
a prize draw to win” DELETE

“Message 3 .. Hi its Mum, just calling to see if
everything is okay, call me when you get this, love you” DELETE.

“Message 4 ..Carrie, pick up the phone, Carrie I
know you are screening your calls … Ah bugger, call me ” DELETE Claire had
sounded impatient but she couldn’t remember ‘avoiding’ the call. Well this time
she didn’t.

“Message 5 .. This is Donna from Dazzle Me. You
missed your last appointment “DELETE.

“Message 6 .. Good Morning, this is a call for Mrs
Reynolds-Davies.  Can you please return our call to discuss your banking
requirements?” DELETE.

“Message 7 .. Hello … Hello oh I hate speaking on
these things … Carrie darling ... its Auntie Belle I’ve been thinking why don’t
you come and visit?  I’ve been talking with your Mum and she’s worried
about you, you know how she does..  Anyway how about” and the message ran
out.  Typical Auntie Belle carrying on a conversation when she wasn’t
there!

Oh exciting microwave penne pasta dish for dinner.
 She wasn’t hungry but knew if her Mum popped over later she would check
that Carrie had been eating.  Her Mum would even check the rubbish bin for
evidence.  The microwave began its countdown and she set the table for one
taking some cutlery from the drawer, a napkin and finally a glass of
wine.  All these tasks accomplished before the final ping of the
microwave.  Auntie Belle was a character and Carrie had always enjoyed
staying with her in the past.  She was her Mums younger sister and Carrie
idolised her.  Her job in the hospitality industry gave her the
opportunity to travel the world consulting on ailing hotels that needed a
revamp.  As a child Carrie had thought it very exciting and they would
holiday wherever Auntie Belle was working.  Sometimes the locations
glamorous and then the not so glamorous but it was fun ordering room service
and travelling up and down in the elevators.  It was no surprise that
Carries education had continued in the same vein and she had followed her
Auntie into the hospitality industry.  The job at AGM was a stop gap that
became permanent. 

Auntie Belle had an apartment in Newquay but
travelling there would take almost as long as a long haul flight she wasn’t
quite up for that.  She would call her Aunt later and decline.  For
the moment anyway.

The TV was on in the background but she wasn’t
paying any attention and sat on the sofa legs curled up under her in her little
den.  She thought about doing some laundry or reading a magazine or
calling her family but she did none of the above.  Staring into space she
was unaware of how long she sat on the sofa.  The glass of wine untouched
at her side.  Her mobile was on silent from work and she looked at the
screen announcing she had missed calls and texts.  A quick scan and she
texted her sister back.  Claire would appear at the door if she didn’t
check in.  The mobile at her side and the screen flashed as the
screensaver popped on.  She hadn’t changed it and there was Rob looking
goofy but sweet.  It caught her breath as it did every time she looked at
it.  Maybe she should change it and spare herself the heartache but she
couldn’t.  She picked the phone back up and touched her finger over his
face.  If only she could speak to him again – just one more time for even
one more minute.  The phone vibrated again announcing another text.
 Her sister had replied – trying to get Carrie to come over that weekend
for Sunday lunch.   She texted back she would think about it.
 That usually worked better that a flat out NO.

Would she always feel this way?  So empty, so
sad?  It was as if the happiness gene was taken away from her.  To be
honest, she just couldn’t be bothered.  Everything appeared to have such a
great effort attached to it.  She had closed her face book account and
didn’t want to read updates on how great everyone’s lives where when hers was
shit.   She couldn’t bear to update her relationship status instead
she just closed the account.  She had declined many family gatherings over
the last few months.  The multitude of Aunts, Uncles and Cousins brought
many occasions that Carrie had opted out of.  She knew her family wouldn’t
pressure her to go to an event but they would also give her the straight talk
that she wasn’t ready for.  The doorbell rang and she couldn’t ignore
that.  Couldn’t pretend she wasn’t home with her car in the driveway and
lights on throughout the house.

“Hi Carrie, sorry to bother you” it was her
neighbour Chris.  He was looking for the return of his hedge
trimmer.  They had borrowed it ages ago and Chris didn’t want to pester
her for it back.

“I completely forgot about it Chris. Meant to buy
myself another and return yours ages ago. But just with everything … well you know
how it is” She let the conversation hang, busy opening the double garage doors
and there it was tucked in the back where it had been for the last 6 months.

“It’s the summer barbeque on Sunday” Chris reminded
her.

“Oh, yes .. it’s the 1
^st
weekend of August,
isn’t it?” Their annual summer barbeque on a bank holiday weekend. “I think I
will give it a miss this year Chris .. I’m going to Claire’s for a family
lunch” well it wasn’t a lie and she now had a ready-made excuse.  It was
too soon to be faced with her neighbours en masse at a social
event.   Maybe that’s why Claire had been trying to get her to agree
to lunch?  She wouldn’t put it past her sister to organise it so that
Carrie would be away from the street. 

“Maybe next year Carrie?” Chris offered.

“Yes, maybe next year Chris” she concurred.

Her family had always joined them for the barbeque
were everyone pitched in and brought dishes to share.  In rainy years
gazebos and make shift shelters were erected to ensure the day would go
on.  Always full of laughter it marked the start of summer and another
reason why Bluebell Gardens was a nice place to live.  They had always
enjoyed it and having the bank holiday Monday off made it even better.

She returned to the house, locked the door and
resumed her position on the sofa.  The TV still on in the background its
sound low blocking out the silence of the house.  A quick text to her
sister .. “Summer BBQ????????” no need for a further explanation.