BUTTERFLIES FLY AWAY (10 page)

“Silly question I know, but are you sure you are
pregnant?”

The home test was presented to Carrie.  The
display reading ‘positive’.

“I’d say that’s a yes. Wouldn’t you?  Plus I’ve
had most of the symptoms I had with Harry.  This morning I had a really
bad bout of morning sickness and knew I had to bite the bullet and take the
test.  I’ve had the test in my bag the last few days.  I just wasn’t
ready for the confirmation and finality of it all.”

“What are you going to do?  What about
Ryan?  Have you told him?”

She shook her head.

“Looks like I might have to take Mum and Dad up on
those offers of moving back home.  There won’t be room in here for the
baby.  Ryan doesn’t know yet, I will tell him tonight.  But I know he
will be over the moon.  He would have a squad of kids if it were
possible!”

Harry began to stir, his cry wailing into the room.

“Leave him to me, Claire.  I will check on him”

Ten minutes later Carrie returned.  Harry’s
nappy changed and he was back sleeping soundly. This interruption had given
Claire an opportunity to recover and regain her composure.  Carrie
couldn’t remember Claire being flustered or upset like this before. 

“Okay, now we’ve shared my news  ... why aren’t
you at work?”

“I think I’ve just quit!”

Carrie went through her morning and run in with Tina
and the ‘gang’

“What a cheek.  I’ve a good mind to go down
there and speak to them.  Won the bloody lottery!  Who does she think
she is?”

She had a voicemail at home when she returned after
visiting Claire asking her to call the HR department.  She declined. 
Her phone had beeped alerting her to a text.  It was Debbie from
work.  Just one word.  Sorry.  She hit the delete button.

Well sorry wouldn’t wash it for her.  She felt
betrayed and hurt.  Was she such a pitiful mess?  Looking in the
mirror she was a shell of her former self but that’s what grief does to you and
she refused to apologise for that. 

Two days later the letter arrived from HR. 
After consideration and recognition of her contribution to the company they
offered her a six month sabbatical on full pay.  They wanted her to use
this time to express her grief and recover believing that she had returned to
work too soon after the shock of her loss.  But the best of all she
thought was the leaflet enclosed with contact details for the employee
helpline.  How patronising was that?  They trusted that she would
accept this offer and their continued support. 

“What do you think Dad?  Should I accept their
offer?”  Carrie had handed her father the letter from HR.  Her Dad
was her go to and had been a rock with all the paperwork associated with Rob’s
death.  It was a minefield. 

“After everything you have been through I think you
should take some time off at their expense!”

“Mmm I suppose so.  I know that I should look
for something else to do.  I don’t want to work somewhere that I am
unhappy in.  I just want to get back to being the old me.”

“Carrie, your Mum and I want that for you too. 
Rob wouldn’t have wanted you to pine away like this for him”

Carrie sobbed softly in the arms of her
father. 

“I can’t go on like this.  Crying all the
time!  It hurts too much and what if that woman was right?  What if
he is here with me?”

“If you want to believe he is with you, then do
that.  If that brings you comfort Carrie then that’s all we can ask for.”

Sunday lunch was a leisurely affair and Carries Mum had
everything down to a fine art.  Any offer of assistance was gently
rebuffed until requested.  Carrie helped finish setting the dining
table.  Claire was attempting to secure Harry into the highchair but he
was wriggling like a worm on a fishing line.

“Something tells me someone doesn’t want to have
lunch?”

“Oh he is impossible today” 

“Hey little man, what you doing?”  Carrie
distracted Harry enough for her sister to fasten him into the chair.

“There .. got you!” 

“So have you told the parents yet?”

“No, I want to wait until I’ve had my first
scan.  The doctor thinks I should get an appointment through in the next
couple of weeks”

“Okay, how did Ryan take the news?”

“He’s ecstatic but I have warned him not to breathe a
word! Shhh change the subject here’s Mum”

“Lunch is ready; boys turn that TV off and join us
in the dining room”

The football match was abandoned in pursuit of food.

She swore her Mum added more food to her plate than
anyone else’s in her attempt to fatten Carrie up. 

“Have you heard from Auntie Belle Mum?”  Claire
queried trying to distract her mother from her aversion to the roast beef on
her plate.  Pregnancy was playing havoc with her appetite.

“Yes, she called last night.  She is still
consulting for that playboy Devanti.  But she loves the pace of life just
now.  Thinks they want her to do some more work and if that’s what she
wants to do, then that’s what she will do.  You know what Belle is like; I
stopped trying to boss her around when I was ten years old!”

“I had a lovely stay last year, have you thought
about going down soon Mum, you and Dad haven’t been for ages”

“It’s impossible just now to get your Dad away from
work.  He finally agreed on retirement and to look for a partner for the
practise.  These things take time I know but your Dad has worked hard and
I want us to enjoy life together”

Their father was deep in conversation with Ryan and
hadn’t heard their discussion.  Harry banged on the tray, demanding their
attention. 

“Okay little man, open up, time for some lovely
potatoes cooked by Granny” 

He blew a raspberry in response. 

“Oh well Mum, I guess that’s what he thinks of
Granny’s cooking!”

Carrie had finally contacted her in-laws.  She
wanted to courier the boxes to them but wanted to make sure they were still in
the country. 

“Hello Joyce, Its Carrie, How have you been?” 

The conversation was stilted and the briefest of
pleasantries were exchanged.

“I just wanted to check you weren’t on your travels,
I thought you might like some things of Rob’s”

There was a clatter as the phone was dropped.

“Hello, hello?”

“Hi Carrie, its Tom.  Mum’s just taking a
moment to compose herself”  Her father in law always referred to his wife
as Mum.

“That’s okay, I was just wondering if you were at
home, I eh erm I have some boxes of Rob’s things.  I thought you might
want them, some pictures and mementos, things like that.  I know he would
have wanted you both to have them.”

“Thanks Carrie, we would really love that.  Mum
will too I know.  We will be home for the next few weeks before we go to
Spain to the villa”

Carrie arranged that she would have the boxes
couriered in the next few days.

After hanging up, she had a rummage through the
garage to find the boxes that had been there for almost a year.  She
assembled the document boxes that had secure lids, gaps for handles and were a
bit sturdier for transporting.  The dining table had become her base for
this task.  She poured some wine, Dutch courage and opened the first
box. 

“Phew … Breathe Carrie, breathe” she expelled a
large breathe of air. “Okay, okay, okay”

The first thing she saw was Rob’s smiling face.

“Oh Rob!”

She picked up the picture and held it close to her
chest.

When she had packed the boxes previously, she had
little recollection of the items that she had picked.  She now lined the
box with bubble wrap and started to carefully transfer the items. 
Pictures and trophies she secured with more bubble wrap.  In the end she
filled four boxes.  There were other items from the study and around the
house that she wanted to give to them.  Although, there was one item she
debated about sending.  Rob had a grey woollen overcoat.  It was
tailored for his tall body and he always looked so smart wearing it.  It
had been dry cleaned and hanging in the wardrobe for weeks before he
died.  Ready for another winter of use.  Carrie knew Bill was of
similar build and she thought he might like this personal item of his
son.   That he might even wear it to church or would donate it to
someone who would need it if he couldn’t do that.

“Dear Tom & Joyce,

I have enclosed some mementos of Rob as
promised.  I hope they won’t bring you any further upset but some
comfort.   I am sorry that I haven’t sent these sooner to you. 

Tom, I hope you love the coat as much as
your son did.  He always looked so handsome in it.  But I understand
if you can’t, I know you will find it a suitable home.

You will be in my thoughts on the 14
^th
. 

Love

Carrie”

The study looked empty a desk, chair and some filing
cabinets.  She had decided that now she was going to be an Auntie again
she really needed to have a proper guest room for the children.  When
Harry had stayed over he usually slept in the travel cot but that wouldn’t be suitable
for him and a little baby.  She would wait until Claire told their parents
about the new baby before breaking the news she was creating her own baby guest
room.  In her mind she refused to think of it as a nursery, just a baby
guest room.  Because a nursery would have been part of her future with
Rob.

She called a local charity and told them she had
some furniture that she wanted to donate.  A few days later the room was
an empty shell.  She went to the DIY store bought some paint to freshen
the room and spent the next few days decorating.  The carpet that was in
the room was grubby and she also had it replaced. 

It wasn’t great but she was proud of her
efforts.  It had also occupied her mind as the days approached Rob’s
anniversary.  She looked on line and ordered some bedroom furniture for
the room, ready assembled.  All that was needed would be some soft
furnishing, curtains, etc. 

A little retail therapy with her sister would
complete the task.

 “Hi Claire, do you want to go shopping?”

They arranged to meet the following day and sitting
over a cup of tea, Carrie asked if her scan appointment had arrived.

“Yes, I wanted to ask you to come with me but I
totally understand if you can’t.  Ryan can’t get time off work.”

“Don’t be silly, of course I will come with you”

“Carrie, the appointment is on the 14
^th
”

“Oh right  ... I see  ...” she continued
to stir the spoon.

“I understand Carrie, really I do.  It is Rob’s
anniversary and it will –“

“No, Claire  ... I will be there, what time?”

“The appointment is at 2pm”

“I will pick you up and we can take my car”

They resumed their shopping and Carrie confessed to
sorting out the study.

“I sent the boxes to Tom & Joyce, finally got
round to doing it.  The room looked so empty and I had to do something”

“Carrie, I think it’s very positive what you have
been doing plus a room for Harry and baby even better!” she joked.

“Ha!  Does that mean I’m on permanent
babysitter duties?  They sent me a letter, no phone call, just a
note.  Thanking me... Oh God what a mess”

“You gave them some comfort with their son’s
possessions.”

“Yeah but it should never have happened in the first
place.  Tom said he wore the coat to church.  I’m glad.  Rob
would have liked that.”

Carrie had set the alarm clock although it wasn’t
needed as she was awake before it sounded.  She made the bed as she had
done a million times before.  Looked through her wardrobe for inspiration
on what to wear and settled on jeans, a shirt and her usual winter boots. 
After showering and dressing she still had five hours until she was due to pick
Claire up for the hospital.  She emptied the hamper and separated clothes
to wash, started to vacuum the room and occupy as much time as possible before
she had to leave.  She pulled the bed forward to vacuum and there were
three shiny pennies.  They hadn’t been there when she did the same task
the previous week.  How did they get there?  Was that ‘woman Sheena’
right?  Where they from Rob?  Or was it simply that she was losing
her mind?   She picked them up and added them to the dish with the
others.  But she refused to let this upset her.  She knew she had to
keep it together as today was going to be hard enough. 

She made a cup of tea her cure-all for almost
everything and went through the mail that had been delivered.  Some
utility bills, quotes for car insurance renewal and an envelope with a US
stamp.  She opened this recognising the neat hand writing of her Auntie
Belle. 

The notelet had a picture of a calla lily on the
front.

“Hello my darling Carrie.

Just a little note to tell you even
though I am miles away, you are in my thoughts and prayers today.  Today
will be hard but I know you will get through it.  We
all
love you
very much.

Now hopefully you have received this
little note in time and not too late!

Speak soon.

Love

B x
”

Carrie was touched by the gesture of the card which
was so like her Aunt to do.  She placed it on the side table, sipped her
tea and discarded the remainder of the mail unread.  Her Mum called, just
for a chat but Carrie knew she was checking up on her. 

“I got a card in the post from Belle.  Did she
tell you she was sending it?”

“No Carrie, I have spoken with her in a week or
so.  She was travelling when I last caught up with her.  So what are
your plans for later?  Do you want to meet for lunch?”

Carrie nearly slipped up and said she was taking
Claire to the hospital. 

“I’m meeting Claire to do a bit of shopping. 
I’ve been redecorating upstairs, just the study.  I er well I’ve changed
it back to a bedroom.”

She told her Mum about sending the boxes to her
in-laws and donating the study furniture to charity. 

“It’s for the best Carrie, but only you know when
you are ready to make these changes.  We can’t make them for you but I’m pleased
that Joyce and Tom have some things of Rob at this time.”

She agreed to pop round later after seeing Claire to
pacify her Mum that she was okay.  She left a little earlier than planned,
stopped off at one of the charity shops with some bags of clothes of her
own.  Clothes that no longer fitted due to her weight loss and that she
knew she wouldn’t wear again.  In some ways it seemed like she was
throwing her old life away but she wasn’t, it was her way of letting go. 
She found a parking space outside Claire’s with relative ease and buzzed the
intercom. 

“Carrie, can you come up I’m not ready yet?”

Three flights later she got to Claire’s door.

“Jeez Claire, how are you going to manage this with
two babies?”

“Well Hello to you too sis!”

“Sorry” she panted a little out of breath.

“I don’t know but we’ve got three more months on the
lease.  I had a look on-line at some other houses but the budget we’ve got
doesn’t stretch very far.”

“I think there’s a house near mine that’s got a
letting sign up.  I will check it out later for you, get some details.”

“Okay but I’m not holding out much luck there, I
think it might be too pricey for us.  Anyway, Harry’s been playing up this
morning.  He was kicking his shoes off and running away.”

After a dash round the flat they gathered all the
paraphernalia required when travelling with a toddler, pushchair, changing bag,
snack and drink. 

They secured Harry in his car seat despite his
wriggles for freedom and drove to the hospital. 

The nearer they got the feeling of dread rose in
Carries stomach.  They were going to the same hospital that she had been
at a year ago to view Rob’s body.  Outwardly she didn’t show this to
Claire knowing that her sister was already anxious with the upcoming
appointment.  It had started to rain and Carrie pulled into the canopy
area of the hospital entrance. 

“You go on in and I will find a parking space.”

Claire took Harry with her.  Carrie would bring
his pram from the boot of the car once she got parked.  She drove round a
few times before finally finding a space. 

The hospital maternity unit was located on a
separate building, away from the main entrance.  She pushed the empty pram
passed the main entrance and along towards the maternity unit.  But there
it was like a punch in her stomach was the sign for the Mortuary.  Waves
of pain coursed through her as the memories of last year resurfaced and she
began to shake.

“Oh God!” she whispered and closed her eyes as if to
block out the sight. 

Rain drops were falling down her face as she had
stopped, mingling with the tears on her cheeks.  She wiped them away with
the sleeve of her jacket and slowly walked towards the entrance.  She
tried to compose herself before she met up with her sister in the ante-natal
appointments area.  Claire was fretting, anxious for the scan and anxious
to use the bathroom.  

“What took you so long?  I need to wee sooooo
badly but I can’t until the scan has been done.  You would think with
advances in technology that they could do a scan without needing a full
bladder!”

“I’m sure the scientists are working on that right
now Claire!”

“Very funny Carrie, just you wait until the tables
are turned and you need a wee so much that you will need a spill kit!”

“Oh I think the chances of that for me Claire are
very slim”

The irony of the situation lost on Claire and Carrie
knew this was her sister stressing about the imminent appointment. 

“Carrie you have mascara streaks on your face from
the rain, here have a baby wipe to clean your face”

Carrie rummaged through her bag for a compact
mirror, used the baby wipe to clean the black smudges round her eyes that were
caused from tears not the rain.  But she didn’t correct her sister. 
She busied herself putting Harry back into the pram and he didn’t object this
time.  He reached over and pulled at the blue / black butterfly scarf she
wore.  She gently removed his tiny had and swapped the end of her scarf
for his toy car.

“It won’t be long now Claire”

Twenty minutes later Claire was called
through.  Carrie accompanied her pushing a sleeping Harry in his
pram.  Claire was chatting away, explaining they were sisters and not a
same sex couple; just in case the nurse wondered.  Well anything was
possible these days she added.  Carrie let her rabble on whilst the
sonographer prepared for the scan asking Claire questions about her previous
pregnancy.

For Carrie it was an amazing sight to witness the
miracle of the life that was growing inside her sister.  The black and
white screen pulsing with the activity.  There were tears falling down
both their faces as they were assured that the baby was growing healthily and
that Claire was 12 weeks pregnant.  She was given a due date of 3
^rd
October. 

Carrie stared at the little black and white scrap of
paper at what she would describe as looking at a peanut and again marvelled at
the joy of it.

It was a subdued Carrie who returned her sister
home, baby Harry in tow.  Claire had decided to wait until Ryan was home
and then they would tell both sets of parents the good news.  Carrie was
sworn to secrecy that she would not blab whilst visiting their parents. 
She felt like her head was going to explode with the emotions of grief, joy and
envy for her sister’s news and then a bit of shame at feeling the envy. 
Once Claire was secured back home she declined the offer of tea and made the
excuse that she was leaving for their Mums house.  But instead of the
familiar journey to their parents’ home Carrie drove to a local park.  She
walked for about fifteen minutes then sat on one of the empty park benches and
cried silent tears.  She didn’t know what she was crying for, couldn’t
explain the pit of pain that she felt.  Was it because today was Rob’s
anniversary or was it jealousy of her sister’s news?  She felt happiness
for Claire but she had so wanted it to be her that had that opportunity, that
gift of new life.

She was oblivious to the rain that began to drop
until it soaked through her jeans and she began to shiver.  The park had emptied
of people walking their dogs and the rain began to pour down in torrents. 
This shook her from her lethargy and she made the journey back to her
car.  Her jacket offering no protection to the rain.  Once she
reached her car she turned on the heater and tried to warm a little. 
Looking in the mirror she rubbed the black lines of mascara that were smudged
from rain and tears.  She took her jacket off, flung it on the back seat
of the car and it slid off the leather seats onto the floor.  She adjusted
the dials on the heater, tried to stop the windows misting, and then called her
Mum. 

“Mum, I don’t think I will make it over this
afternoon.  I went for a walk.. Got caught in the rain”

They chatted for a few more minutes before Carrie
hung up.  After assuring her mother that she was fine and she didn’t say
anything about Claire’s news.

It took a little longer to get home as she was soon
stuck in rush hour traffic but the journey passed without incident.  As
soon as she got home she ran the bath, needed the hot water to take the chill
away that felt as though it had permeated through to her bones.  She added
the oils and bubbles to the water as she automatically did.  The radio was
on in the background as Carrie attempted to block out the silence of being
alone in the house.  The chill began to leave her body and she could
wriggle her toes with some feeling in them. 

The DJ introduced the next song.  “Last Request
by Paolo Nutini”

Carrie shot out of the bath and turned off the
radio.

That song was her ‘First Dance’ with Rob at their
wedding.  Today of all days she couldn’t listen to it.  If it was the
sign she was looking for from Rob it was the wrong one.

She crumpled onto the floor.