BUTTERFLIES FLY AWAY (9 page)

“What the hell? Carrie, darling what’s wrong?” 

Belle had thought that after two weeks with her that
Carrie was returning to the woman she was before grief took over.  Yes the
crying spells were still there but not as frequent was what she had secretly
reported back to her sister.  Getting Carrie to the hair dresser was a
major milestone in her recovery.  But now? 

Time for another glass of brandy and a recap of this
afternoon’s events.

“There Belle look ... page nine a butterfly, page
23, 37, 51 and so on and so on!” she said stabbing her finger at the open
book.  “Why didn’t I see them before?”

“Carrie, calm down.  I could throttle that
woman!”

Carrie reconstructed the events of that
afternoon.  Her shopping trip, the butterflies and a cup of tea with a
stranger.

“She told me … he’s sorry, the butterflies and the
pennies  ... I find pennies everywhere.  I just thought people don’t
care much for coins anymore and are careless.  Flinging them away.  I
even found one when I got here!” she rambled on.

“Listen Carrie, enough..
stop
this right
now!”

“I’m sorry Belle .. I just want him back and how can
this be true?  I shouldn’t have ran away.  Maybe she had something
else to tell me?”

“Oh darling, what she said does have a ring of
truth, he did love you and would never have wanted to leave you but you have to
let this go!  Bloody charlatan!”

Carrie sipped at the brandy until the glass was
empty.  She could feel her eyes starting to droop. 

“Time for bed”

Carrie was coming to the end of her stay in Newquay
and would return home in a couple of days.  She had been more subdued
after her encounter with the medium.  The visit with Belle had given her a
chance to do some thinking away from people who knew her.  Away from
pitiful glances or words of comfort.  The daily walks along the beach had
been therapeutic.  There was something about the ocean that soothed
something deep inside her.  Calmed her soul almost and she would miss
those walks.  There wasn’t much call for the ocean in the middle of a
housing estate.  Maybe she should think about moving.  Move to
somewhere that she didn’t expect Rob to walk through every doorway or be
lounging on the sofa or see his shoes and jacket in the porch.

“My treat darling, I’ve booked us afternoon tea
tomorrow at The Headland Hotel.”

You couldn’t visit Auntie Belle and not visit the
Headland for afternoon tea.  They had created this tradition over many
visits. 

“Oh lovely.  I did wonder if we would manage to
sneak a visit in this time”

“Of course darling.  I wouldn’t dream of you
going back home without a proper afternoon tea!  The table is booked for
3pm”

“That’s great but it’s my treat and no arguing!”

The Headland Hotel dominates the landscape in
Newquay, it’s been on TV and films.  Being over one hundred years old it
still had the mix of modern and old. 

“Mmm this looks yummy!”  The cake stand
presented to them had a selection of finger sandwiches, home baked scones with
jam and clotted cream.  Little cakes, fancies, shortbread and
macaroons. 

They had a pot of tea and soon made headway into the
delicate sandwiches. 

Carrie filled Belle in on what had been happening at
Claire’s house.  The noisy neighbours making her life a misery and the
good news that Ryan was working.

“She’s stubborn your sister … just like your
Mum.  When she digs her heels in there’s no moving her”

The scone was soon nothing but crumbs on Carrie’s
plate.

“Oh what a sugar rush … I won’t eat for a week when
I get home!”

“None of that girl! .. you could do with some meat
on your bones.”

The cake stand was slowly depleted of is culinary
delights and they finished off the dainty macaroons with glasses of champagne.

“Promise me Carrie that you will try and move
on.  I’m not telling you to forget about Rob but find something to
interest you.  Something to keep you busy.  A hobby or join a club or
anything but staying at home on your own!”

“I feel like I am betraying him.  But I don’t
want to go on without him Belle”

“What?”

“No .. I’m not going to do anything silly.  I
don’t have any interest to go anywhere and the thought of socialising with
anyone … eurghhh” she shrugged.

“Okay.. but you know I’m here for you and you are
welcome to stay here anytime”

“So changing the subject … where are you off to
next?  What’s lined up for Belle Hamilton?”

“I might do some work for the Devanti Group. 
I’m staying on with the Forest team for the moment to help with the
transition.  They’ve asked me to consult but I’m waiting on a contract
first.”

“So what’s he like in real life?  You know ..
Devanti?  Did you swoon because according to the newspapers and magazines
all
women swoon?” she mocked.

“He is very charming, very clever .. doesn’t let any
detail pass him by .. oh and sexy! Yum yum”

“Belle!”

“I speak the truth!  Those chocolate brown eyes
… mmmm hmmm … Very charismatic and taken by all accounts with that supermodel
Lea .. oh she popped up here and there during the talks but wasn’t in the board
room or anywhere near the business side of things .. probably shackled in the
bedroom!”

They ordered another bottle of champagne and a tipsy
couple of hours later returned to the apartment. 

Carrie insisted that Belle not accompany her to the
train station.  She wanted to say her goodbyes to her Aunt in
private. 

“Don’t be silly.  I can manage on my own and
you know I’m no good with goodbyes.”

Her little case was filled to capacity, Rob’s ashes
safely returned to her handbag along with the shiny penny she found that first
night.  The lighthouse book was tucked away in the suitcase as she
couldn’t bear to look at it just now.  The gifts she had bought in a large
bag. 

She hugged Belle tightly and tried to hold back the
tears, successfully this time!

“Thank you Auntie Belle for having me and being
there.  I really appreciate it.  It’s been lovely and I’ve chilled
out.”

“Anytime darling, anytime.  You will let me
know when you get home?”

“Of course I will”

Carrie returned to the station and to begin the
repeat of her journey home.  This time she was also laden with a paper bag
from the deli with a sandwich for later.  The deli was the source of the
morning croissants and other pastries that Belle had provided.  
Belle had hospitality in her veins Carrie joked.  She had some magazines
for her too for the journey and a little bag of cookies for Carries sweet
tooth.

Carrie soon returned to a routine.  Her family
were pleasantly surprised that she had been to the hair salon and could say
that the first time in months she looked well.  After spending so much
time on the beach her skin had developed a healthy glow.  On the outside
she looked like her former self but on the in-side?  That was an entirely
different matter.

Her mind was on an action replay of what ‘that
woman’ had told her.  She couldn’t look at the lighthouse book and shoved
it away in a drawer.  But that didn’t stop her eyes scanning for pennies
which now seemed to have dried up.  She took the day off work for Rob’s
birthday.  Funny how she tried a resemblance of normality for her own but
gave up trying for Robs.  This was one day she didn’t want to be at work
or at home.  She drove out to Loch Lomond to walk through the national
park and along the shoreline.  A place they visited many times
together.  This was where she felt closest to him, not at home or their
shared workplace.  The breeze was ruffling her hair as she closed her eyes
and spoke to him. 

“Happy Birthday my darling, wherever you are”

There was a squawk of a bird and the trees bristled
as the wind picked up.  Leaves rustling and branches swaying.  But
something caught her eye in the middle of all the movement.  A single
yellow butterfly.   

It was dark when she made her way back home
exhausted with the emotions of getting through another first.

The report was due later that morning and Carrie
worked through the columns that required feedback.  Almost there, a final
check and it would be ready for publishing.  But since her return to work
eight months ago her work required a final veto from Fiona her boss.  She
tried not to take it personally but apart from the mix up with the Groves order
very little had occurred that would require her still to be monitored. 
Enough was enough and she was determined to raise it with Fiona.  She
clicked the icon to print.  The phone rang distracting her from going to
the printer to collect the paperwork.  There was no rush she would get it
after her call. 

The last few months had been particularly hard for
Carrie but she had almost completed that first cycle of firsts.  Christmas
and New Year had almost broken her.  The office Christmas night out after
being badgered for weeks to go to, she declined.  She knew she was
completely alienating herself from her friends and colleagues but couldn’t put
a stop on it.  The anxiety medication that she hoped to be free of she was
still taking.  Palpations seemed a daily occurrence.  Her parents
were worried sick about her and booked a lodge away for the Christmas and New
Year festivities.  It was their attempt to remove Carrie from the
reminders of the previous year.  Carrie declined joining them for
Christmas despite their every request and attempts at emotional blackmail!

“Please respect what I am telling you.  I don’t
want to be with anyone for Christmas.  I want you all to enjoy the
festivities without me.  Please make happy Santa memories with Harry”

With reluctance she agreed to join them for New Year
after getting out of Christmas.  But Mother Nature threw a spanner in the
works.  Carrie had decided to join them after a few days but the snow put
paid to that.  The road north closed and the police advised drivers not
travel unless it was absolutely necessary.

“Mum, I will be fine on my own.  Give a big
kiss to Harry for me and if the weather breaks I will try and travel in a few
days”

Carrie turned off her mobile and unplugged the house
phone.  She had of course pre-warned her family of this intention as she
didn’t want to cause any alarm. Didn’t want a chap at her door if no-one could
rouse her.  The bottle of champagne was chilling in the ice-bucket; her
ipod was on a playlist of their favourite songs and the TV on in the
background.  No fancy clothes, just her pyjamas and slippers as her
attire.  She opened the champagne and poured two glasses. 

She stopped the music and turned the volume up on
the TV.

10... 9  ... 8... 7... 6... 5... 4... 3... 2...
1

“Happy New Year!  Let’s continue the party for
2014,” the announcer cheered.

She raised a glass and chinked it with the solitary
glass on the table.

“Happy New Year Rob”

Over the new few hours she drank the remainder of
the champagne and then opened some wine.  When the wine was finished she
drank vodka and even had some brandy.  She raided the cupboard for
anything to give an alcoholic kick to her system to numb the pain and
loneliness that was tearing her apart. 

The drunker she became the more morose she became
and alcohol could not relieve how she was feeling.  Crying and mumbling to
herself, she poured another brandy and nursed holding the stem of the
glass.  Swirling and swirling the amber liquid, almost hypnotic and she
fell asleep.  The brandy glass falling from her hand contents spilling
down her top and the sofa.  With a thud the empty glass landed onto the
carpet.

“Ohhh My God!” she groaned as she woke.  The
smell of alcohol on her clothes almost making her sick.  Her head pounding
with what seemed like the worse hangover of her life.  She picked the
glass from the floor at her feet and surveyed the room.  It looked like
she had had a party.  Photo albums from their wedding and vacations
littered the floor.  It had taken getting drunk to bring her to look at
those photos.  The storybook albums open at a picture of them artfully
posed and smiling.  Carrie in her ballgown style wedding dress eyes full
of love and happiness gazing up at Rob in his morning suit.  The dress was
carefully packed away in the loft.  She had dreamed of creating a new family
heirloom, of a daughter or even a granddaughter to pass it down to.  
It had been her perfect wedding dress and she had felt like a princess. 
Everything was meticulously packed away in tissue.  The dainty tiara and
veil along with the elegant shoes.  Through a vague haze she remembered
that she had held the album tight in her arms as if trying to reach through
glossy pages to touch him.  That’s when she had fallen to the floor, still
clutching the album and rocked back and forth tears streaming down her
face. 

But Rob’s solitary glass remained with the contents
untouched on the coffee table the fizz long gone.

A glass of water and some painkillers later she
headed for the shower.  Time enough later to clean up her mess.

She wrapped her hair in a towel whilst she stood
contemplating what to wear.  Even though she had no intention of going
anywhere the path needed to be cleared of the snow that had cumulated.  No
Rob to clear it.  She dressed in her usual weekend at home attire of jeans
and a t-shirt but added a sweater for warmth.  She located the snow shovel
from the garage and made work of clearing the path and drive way.  The
surrounding houses in the cul-de-sac had decorated the outside of the houses
with lights and animated figures.  It looked like Santa’s grotto. 
Carries house was bare.  No reindeer or flashing Santa this year.  No
Christmas tree or decorations which usually adorned the house.  Christmas
had been one of Carrie’s favourite times of year.   It had begun to
snow again a light dusting on the ground and she returned to the house frozen
from her activity.  While she waited for the kettle to boil she called her
Mum.  Time to face the music and speak to her family.  Her head still
a dull ache.

Multitasked getting her tea ready and warmed her
hand on the mug to take away the chill.  Last year they had a snow ball
fight, cleared the drive and recovered from their activities with hot chocolate
and marshmallows.  A bittersweet memory.  

“Happy New Year Mum”

“Carrie! Where have you been?  I’ve been
calling the house for hours.  We were thinking of driving back home if I
didn’t speak to you soon!”

Thoroughly chastised, Carrie apologised for any
worry.

“I’ve been clearing the path whilst the snow
stopped”

“Well, I’ve been worried sick Carrie.  Don’t do
anything like that again!”

Feeling like 12 instead of 28 Carrie was also
reprimanded by her Dad.

“Carrie, your Mum doesn’t mean to sound harsh. 
She was worried when we couldn’t get an answer on the house or the mobile.”

After this dressing down she was then given similar
treatment from her sister.

“Mum and Dad have been going out of their mind! We
all have.”

“I’m sorry Claire.  Truth be told, I’m little
hung-over too. I thought having a drink might distract me.  I can tell you
drinking alone isn’t a good idea.” she told her sister about her marathon
drinking session and her hangover from hell.  It was unspoken but she
guessed from all of their reactions that they were worried that she might have
done something ‘silly’ and took her own life. 

“Oh Carrie!”

She didn’t tell her sister that she had a New Year
toast with a glass for Rob or the photo albums.  That was too private to
share even with her sister. 

Returning from work after the festive closure the
topic of the weather dominated the conversation.  Honestly, you would
think people had never seen snow before.  Roads that were gritted or not,
areas to avoid if they hadn’t and the freeze that would surely follow.

“That car park is an accident waiting to
happen!  It will be the death of someone.” Tina exclaimed.  “Oh Sorry
Carrie, no offense” she said over her should as she walked through the office.

Carrie ignored her as her phone began to ring. 
She was glad of the distraction as she wasn’t up for a verbal spat with Tina again
as it had been strained now for the last few months since her return to
work. 

The Valentines celebrations last month had been
particularly difficult in that year of firsts.  Almost as soon as the
Christmas decorations are down the shops are full of love hearts and romantic
promise.  Those displays of public affection and declarations are
unavoidable.  She had lit a red candle in remembrance.  Watched the
candle burn down until the wick dissolved.  

“Good Morning, You are through to AGM, Carrie speaking.
How may help you?”

The call was from Mr Groves a regular customer of
Carries.  He was calling to review a pending order and check the delivery
information.  It wasn’t unusual for him to call but given the mix up order
he checked every minute detail of his confirmation.  Carrie had always
liked having Mr Groves as a customer.  He even sent her a sympathy card
when Rob died offering kind words of condolence. 

“Yes, Mr Groves... I’ve added the extra stock to
your order.  Our despatch team will confirm availability. I have estimated
our best dates at present will be week 10, yes that’s week commencing 10
^th
March 2014”

She finished the call and updated his customer
notes, distracted with the despatch date just a couple of days before Rob’s
first anniversary. 

Then events spiralled out of control.  The
missing file, her altercation with Tina and quitting her job. 

Carrie didn’t remember her car journey.  Her
box of possessions rolling around in the boot of the car.  At the last
minute she did a detour and drove to her sisters instead of home.  The
communal door was open and Carrie didn’t need to buzz her sister to gain
entry.  She raced up the stairs and wondered for the millionth time how
her sister managed this every day with a toddler in tow.  She chapped the
door, no answer.  Chapped again and checked her watch it was 11.30am and
she was sure Claire would have been home.  Hadn’t even thought to call
ahead she was too pre-occupied replaying the events of the morning.  She
rummaged through her bag again to try and find her mobile but just as she
located it the door opened. 

Claire stood looking dishevelled and had been
crying.

“Carrie, what are you doing here?”

“Never mind why I’m here.  What’s wrong? 
Is Harry okay?  Where’s Ryan?”

She ushered her sister back in the house and walked
into the living room.

“Yes, he’s fine.  He is having his morning
nap.  Ryan’s at work. It’s me.. I don’t know what I’m going to do!” she
wailed and started to cry.

It was Carrie who comforted her sister whilst she
continued to cry.

“What’s happened Claire?  Tell me”

“I’m pregnant Carrie!  I don’t know what I’m
going to do, I ah ah ah” she sobbed.

“It’s okay Claire, everything will be okay.”

“How can it be okay Carrie?  Harry is only 26 months. 
Ryan’s contract finishes again at the end of the month and we are stuck in this
crummy flat that you can’t swing a cat in!”

“I take it this is a surprise pregnancy?”

“Yes  ... it sure is
 ... this
is
what happens when you are stuck in a lodge in the snow for three days in the
middle of nowhere!!!”

“Oh Claire!  Maybe next time stick to playing
twister!” she tried to joke.

Claire started to laugh then cry again.

“Come on, time for a cup of tea.  In your
condition nothing stronger I’m afraid medicinal or otherwise!”

Carrie fixed the cups whilst Claire washed her face.