Broken (23 page)

Chapter 45

A couple of weeks went by. Nick was still very cold to me, and I still was addressing him as “Mr. O’Hara,” and he addressed me, still, as “Ms. James.” I still had no idea, whatsoever, what I did to deserve such treatment. But I was determined to keep my chin up and my head down, as I worked harder than I ever had before.

As for Shane…he pretty much left me alone. I was quite sure that he was embarrassed about his behavior, but he never apologized for it. I was relieved not to have to confront the situation, and I was further happy that he found another intern to pursue – Lisa, who was a student at Pratt.

I isolated myself. I was feeling unhappy, not just because of the Nick implosion, but also because Jack was increasingly not home. He got a part, a small part, in one of Bob Terrill productions on Broadway, so he was busy rehearsing, when he wasn’t working his two jobs and trying to spend some time with Brad. He and Brad were becoming increasingly an item, and, since Brad lived in a beautiful loft in Chelsea, with a weekend house in Connecticut and a vacation home in the Hamptons, Jack naturally gravitated towards Brad’s home(s) instead of bringing Brad around to hang out with me.

So, I was lonely. Extremely lonely. It was just like Jack had said – I wouldn’t always have him to lean on. Now I was finally finding out what that was like, and I was miserable.

But the Christmas party for the firm was coming up, and I felt obligated to go. All the other interns were going, and so was virtually everybody else in the firm. The firm had rented out the
Lambs Club
, which was an expensive restaurant in midtown, for the entire evening, which, no doubt, cost them a small fortune. The restaurant would be serving dinner and there was an open bar. It was my understanding that this was a time to let your hair down, and most of the partners, interns and associates did just that. Drunken debauchery was not unheard of at this event, according to Robin.

“I’m so excited to go,” Robin said. “I heard that last year George, Allen and Rob got up and sang a drunken karaoke version of
Somebody that I Used to Know,”
she said, referring to Gotye’s number one hit. “And,” she said with a giggle, “Allen announced, on-stage, that the song was dedicated to his then-wife, Nancy. They were divorced about three months later.”

“Wow,” I said. “Miss Manners definitely would not approve.”

“No, she wouldn’t. So, it’s gonna be fun.” She hesitated. “Are you, uh, bringing anybody?”

I shook my head. I had always intended to bring Jack, but Jack was busy that night, as usual. He was always busy with something anymore.

“That’s too bad. Well, maybe we can go together. Be each other’s dates,” she said, with a giggle. “I mean, not literally. I don’t swing that way or anything. But it might be fun to have somebody to hang out with and watch all the Bacchanalia unfold.”

“Sure,” I said. “Let’s do that.”

“Cool. You can meet me at my apartment, which is a couple of blocks away from the restaurant, and we can get dolled up together. That will be so much fun!”

“Aces,” I said, trying to be happy. That was what I did – I put on a happy face for everybody, including Nick, but I really was dying inside. More often than not, I went home to my empty apartment and cried for hours. I felt so abandoned and alone, and heartbroken over the way that Nick had been treating me.

But I was actually looking forward to going over to Robin’s and get ready for the Christmas party. I was hungry for a new bestie, and Robin, despite the fact that she was kinda gossipy, was still a lot of fun to hang out with. So, I thought I might actually have a good time that evening.

Chapter 46

Nick

The Christmas party was coming up, and I was bringing Ava as my date. We had actually been seeing one another, on a regular basis, since things blew up with Scotty that one day. Truth be told, I was heartbroken, absolutely devastated, to lose my chance with Scotty. I couldn’t understand why she would lie to me about Thanksgiving, and why she would give Shane a chance, but not me. And I hated myself for letting a woman get to me like that. Nobody had ever gotten to me in quite the same way, and I felt like an utter fool for getting so emotionally invested in somebody that I really didn’t know that well.

So, Ava was nice and safe. She was also nuts about me. I had her wrapped around my finger. It felt much more comfortable for me, because that was always the way that it was with me and women. They fell in love with me, and I stayed emotionally unattached. That was how I preferred it, because it was too risky the other way – pining away for somebody who wanted nothing to do with me.

Scotty was a liar and a game-player, and I wasn’t having it.

I still was going to try, my very hardest, to stop being such a man-whore, so I hadn’t slept with anybody but Ava since I met her. This was in spite of the fact that Penelope had been calling again, and so was Amber, who wanted to start going out with me, and only me, after she found out that Penelope and I had broken up. I blew her off. I had zero desire to date Amber and get that whole mess started up again. I was over it, and really wanted to commit myself to somebody. That somebody was, still, Scotty, but, since that was looking increasingly impossible, that somebody was going to be Ava. I was going to force myself to commit to her and hope that my happiness came later.

One thing was for sure. If I chose to be with Amber, or somebody like her, I’d be sucked right back into the man-whore lifestyle. Since I was going to leave that lifestyle behind, I had to concentrate on somebody who was at least a little bit wholesome. Or, at the very least, a little bit less of a slut than was Amber, Penelope, and their whole modeling crew.

So, Ava became a fixture around the loft. I was having a great time with her, really. It turned out that she loved to cook, so she made me home-cooked meals, which was something that I was
lacking for a long time, due to my own paucity of cooking skills, combined with the fact that the women I dated used their ovens to store their shoes. Literally.

We hung out and went to the movies and dinner and stayed around the loft and sometimes strolled around looking at Christmas lights. We had excellent conversations about everything under the sun, and the sex was getting better all the time. I felt content, if not entirely happy.

Nate called me a couple of times to congratulate me on things going well with Ava. “Ava called me, buddy, and you’ve really got her hooked. She said that she’s falling hard for you. Maybe it’s finally going to happen for you, Nick. Maybe you’ve finally found the one.”

“The one. That’s just a little bit premature, don’t you think?”

“No, it’s not. I knew when I first saw Natalie. Ryan knew when he first saw Iris. So, no, it’s not premature.”

I had that sinking feeling, talking to Nate. Because, thus far, there was no indication, whatsoever, that Ava was “the one.” She was a sweet, beautiful and classy woman. But the one? No. Not at all.

I sighed, trying to tamp down the feeling I had in my gut that Scotty was still the one. Despite her apparent duplicity, I was still very much in love with her.

“Well, Nate, Ava and I are certainly having fun. We’ll see where it goes.”

“Ok, but just don’t blow this with her. She’s a class act, and I want to see you happy.”

“Sure, Nate. I understand.” One thing about Nate - his heart was always in the right place.

We hung up, just as Ava was arriving at my apartment. She had in her arms two bags of groceries. “I’m stocking up,” she said. “Your kitchen is like a bachelor’s.”

“That’s because, you know, I’m a bachelor.”

“Well, maybe not for long,” she said with a wink.

I ignored that comment and looked in her grocery bags. She had bought chicken and eggs and prime rib and all kinds of different organic fruits and vegetables. She also bought about five different kinds of pastas and various flavors of balsamic vinegars.

“Here, taste this vinegar,” she said, putting some on a teaspoon.

I tasted it, and it was unusual, to say the least. It tasted like coffee, and it was quite delicious, really. “Mmmm. Espresso balsamic. Very good. Where’d you get that?”

“Some little shop that sells different kinds of oils and vinegars. Very eclectic. We should go there together sometime for their samples.”

“Yeah, let’s do that. Anyhow, don’t forget about the firm Christmas party this Saturday night. You don’t want to miss seeing the senior managing partner delivering a stirring rendition of
I Will Survive,
let me tell you. At least, that’s what I heard – that it’s a sight to behold.”

She came up and kissed me full on the lips. “I can’t believe that I’m going to be your date to the Christmas party. Things are really getting serious, and
we haven’t known each other two weeks.” Then she smiled. “I hope that things keep going this way, Nick. I really like you.”

I smiled. “I like you too, Ava.”
Like you, not love you. I love somebody else.

After dinner, we watched some movies, then went up to my bedroom and had sex before falling asleep. Which was getting to be our usual routine.

Chapter 47

Scotty

So, it’s the day of the party, and I was supposed to meet Robin at 4 PM at her loft. The party would get started around 7 PM, with dinner being served, and then there would be an open bar and a DJ right there in the restaurant.

Jack had made a rare appearance that afternoon. “Gawd, Scotty, I’m just about wiped out. Just wiped out.”

“How’s lover boy?”

Jack rolled his eyes and smirked. “He’s fine. Just fine. Still in the closet, it turns out. So, he’s actually taking a woman to his Christmas party. I really oughta crash that bitch and out him right then and there, in front of God and everybody.”

I smiled. “I haven’t met this guy. Is he, uh, capable of passing?”

“Yes, Scotch. Yes, he is. He’s 100% man. He even has season tickets to the Giants. So, as it turns out, I’m his little hidden fag on the side.”

I didn’t say anything, as much as I wanted to lecture him on settling. Then again, I was not one to lecture anybody about anything relationship oriented. That was not my forte, to say the very least.

“So, Scotch. Whatever happened to beautiful boy?”

“Nick? I mean, Mr. O’Hara. I guess I haven’t seen you very much, Jack, so you don’t know what all is going on.”

“I have been kinda absent these past few weeks. Sorry about that. Anyhow, answer the question. What’s going on with him?”

I shook my head, knowing that I couldn’t talk about Nick without bawling again. “I, uh, I’ll tell you about that later. At the moment, I’m running late. I have to be at Robin’s at 4. We’re going to do shots and make each other over for the party. She happens to live within a few blocks of the restaurant, so it’s certainly convenient. If I get too hammered, I’ll probably just crash with her.”

Jack didn’t look happy. “Scotch and soda. You need to talk to me. Just because I haven’t seen you in awhile doesn’t mean that you can get out of answering my questions.”

“I will, I promise. Just not right now.”

“Ok, then,” he said. “Well, I have to get ready for work.”

“How are things going in your new play?”

“Great. I have all of three lines, but it’s a start.” Then he got up and made himself a cocktail. “Well, you take care, little one. I’ll see you soon.”

“Yeah. Soon.” I hated that I was keeping things from Jack, but I just couldn’t talk about my feelings about Nick. I was still too raw and hurt, and I didn’t want to breach that dam that held back my tears. I feared that once the dam broke, I wouldn’t stop crying.

And I had to stop crying. I was going to have a good time tonight, goddammit, even if it killed me.

Chapter 48

I got to Robin’s right at 4, bringing a bottle of tequila up to her apartment. She was waiting for me to arrive, apparently, and was apparently drunk already. Her apartment was cute, with hardwood floors, picture windows and festive decorations all around. She even had a little fireplace that didn’t work, or so she said, and she couldn’t use it because the fire codes had long since made it obsolete. All of her furniture was modern and new, but her kitchen was a galley kitchen with original appliances, which meant that the fridge and stove were probably 1930s models.

Still, it was a cute place and a veritable mansion by Manhattan’s standards. I wondered how she could swing a place in Midtown on a non-existent intern’s salary.

“Oh, my parents got money,” she explained. “What about you? Who foots the bills for you?”

I couldn’t explain to her that I was being paid by Nick, so I just said “student loans. Lots and lots of student loans. And a roommate, Jack. He works two jobs and has a part on Broadway, so that helps.”

“It certainly would. Jack. Do you and he, uh, have benefits?”

“No, no. He’s 100% gay. Which is good. I don’t think that I could live with a straight guy.”

“Why not?”

“Well, it would be difficult. There might be sexual tension, and I, uh, don’t really welcome that.”

“So I heard,” she said. “Let’s see now, you got tequila. I have some limes and sugar. So, two margaritas are coming up.” Then she went into the kitchen and squeezed the limes with some sugar and poured the tequila into it, then poured the whole concoction into two margarita glasses. “Here, taste this,” she said, handing me a glass.

“Mmmm, good,” I said. “Nothing wrong with having a margarita before going to a party like this.” Then I looked at her, as she motioned me on the couch next to her. “So, what have you heard about me? You said something about me not wanting sexual tension or something like that.”

“Oh, nothing much. I just heard that you don’t really want to date. Not sure who said that. Which has broken all the boys’ hearts at the firm, let me tell you.”

I felt myself blushing. “Uh, what do you mean?”

Robin said nothing, just raised her eyebrows. “And, I suppose you haven’t looked in the mirror lately. You’re stereotypically gorgeous. Hell, I’d do you if you swung that way. Or if I swung that way. Well, you know what I mean.”

I looked at my drink and said nothing. “Well, thank you. That’s very, uh, flattering. But, you’re right, I, uh, don’t really date.”

“So, why is that?”

“Well, I’m really busy. Very focused on my career and schoolwork. Boys are nothing but a distraction.”

“Uh huh,” she said. “Good story. Now tell me the truth.”

I looked around, and saw that she had curlers and makeup at the ready on a little table. “Maybe later. So, you wanted us to do makeovers. What did you have in mind?”

“Well, I hope that you don’t think I’m too forward. But, if you don’t mind my saying, you have a beautiful body. But your clothes…I just don’t know. I’m not your size. I wish I were a size two with double Ds, but alas, I’m not. So, you can’t wear my clothes. But I did pick up a dress for you that I think is totally adorbs. Would you like to try it on?”

“Oh, I don’t know. I, uh, don’t really like to show a lot of skin.”

“Oh, please. Please. If I looked like you, I’d show up everywhere naked. Including work. But, the dress isn’t too low-cut or anything. I just think that it would look beautiful on you.”

I was suspicious. “I don’t understand. Why would you go through all that trouble?”

“It was no trouble. I like to shop. And it was on clearance at Nordstrom’s. And, well, uh, I’m kinda like…did you ever see the movie
Clueless?
”

“Yes, of course. What self-respecting woman hasn’t seen that movie?”

“Right? Well, anyhow, I’m Cher. I like to help people out when I think that they need it. Some call it intrusive. Others think I’m like a fairy godsister. I hope that you think the latter. I just think that you need to get out there a live a little, and stop hiding your light under a bushel, as my grandmother used to say.”

I was kinda taken aback. I hardly knew this girl, and she was shopping at Nordstrom’s for me. “I, I, I don’t know what to say.”

“Well, don’t say anything until you’ve seen the dress.”

She brought it out, and I literally gasped. It was the most beautiful dress that I had ever seen. It was strapless and red, and the top was heart-shaped and bejeweled. The bottom of the dress was shaped like roses, and the dress was apparently made of satin. It looked like it would be form-fitting, but I wondered how I could fit
into it. My body type was always a problem – because I was so thin everywhere but one place, actually two if you count my rear-end - dresses didn’t tend to fit very well.

I blinked. “Do you think it will fit?”

“Well, it might be kinda tight in one place, but try it on and see.”

“This is so very nice. I mean, I brought a dress with me, but this is so much prettier.” I was referring to my dress which was yet another of my thrift-store finds. It was a basic black dress that had no embellishments and kinda hung on me like a potato sack.

“Go and try it on.”

So, I went into her bedroom and tried the dress on. I was right – it didn’t quite fit in the bust, but it fit better than most dresses did in that area, as the dress was apparently made for women with bodies like mine, and it fit like a glove everywhere else. I wasn’t quite sure how Robin was able to find a dress that would fit me so well, but I had to admit that I felt like a princess in it.

I walked out, and Robin let out a low whistle. “You look beautiful,” she said. “Just like Cinderella at the ball.”

“I feel more like Jessica Rabbit,” I said, but smiled to let her know that I was just joking. “Um, thank you for this. I’d like to repay you, because I know that this dress was expensive.”

She waved her hand dismissively. “Please. I told you, my parents got money. I got this. It’s repayment enough to see you looking so pretty.”

I still felt suspicious of her motives, then felt bad about being suspicious. Perhaps she was really like Cher on
Clueless.
She saw that I was a fashion disaster, despite my hoping that I looked good because I found designer clothes in the thrift shops I went to, and she decided to remedy that for the one night.

“Now,” she said. “For your hair.”

“Uh, what about my hair?”

“Well, you know. You kinda look matronly a lot of times because you wear your hair in such tight buns and chignons. So, I booked us both an appointment at
Les Ciseaux
, which is French for ‘scissors,’ and, lucky you, the salon is two blocks away.”

“Oh, thanks for that, but, I can’t afford-“

Robin just rolled her eyes, and brought out a Black credit card. “Do you see this?”

I nodded my head.

“Do you know what this is?”

I shook my head.

“It’s a Black MasterCard. Given to me by my parents. Only wealthy people get this type of card. I could buy a loft on the Upper West Side with this card. A small loft, mind you, but, still…you get the point. So, please, taking you to get a $200 haircut is not going to break me.”

And, just like that, I suddenly understood this girl. She was trying to buy my friendship. It made me sad that she felt that she had to do that. I was never somebody who was friends with people because of what they could give me. I just liked Robin because she was always nice to me.

So, I sighed. “Uh, ok, but, from now on, Robin, just know that I’d like to be friends with you, but you don’t have to be extravagant with me. I’m pretty simple, really. I’m kinda a Big Mac on a Saturday night kinda gal. There’s really no need to buy me stuff for me to like you.”

She just stared at me and said “please don’t tell me that you can look like that and still eat Big Macs. I think I’d have to kill you if that were the case.”

I just shook my head.
In one ear and out the other.

We ended up at the salon about a half hour later, and both of us got a haircut and style. When it was done, I had to say that I was digging my new look. It was a short and sleek bob with bangs, angled from the back.

“Wow, you look totally different,” Robin said, looking at me in my new sassy haircut. “I love the new look! Now, let’s go back to my loft and we’ll give each other makeovers. It has to be quick, though, because we’re running out of time. It’ll take us about 20 minutes to walk to the restaurant.”

So, we went back to Robin’s place and she made me over. Once again, I felt a little like a tarted-up drag queen, but she insisted that the makeup was subtle and brought out my “best features.” Still, any makeup felt foreign to me, but I was pleased that she didn’t overdo it.

I felt nervous giving her a makeover. She seemed to know what she was doing. I, on the other hand, had no idea what I was doing in that department. I guess I have never been high maintenance or a “girly-girl.” Mainly because I never could afford the extra luxuries that being a “girly-girl” entailed. The mani-pedis, the facials, the monthly haircuts, and the high-dollar makeup from the department store makeup counters were always beyond my reach. So, I relied upon home manicures that never lasted more than three days, the one exception being when I first started working at the firm, and I splurged on a gel manicure that lasted three weeks. I ended up peeling off the color after my nails started growing, and went back to biting my nails off after that manicure was gone. I went for months and months without a haircut, and as for makeup – I just didn’t buy it.

I hoped that I did Robin justice with my makeover. After I was finished, she brought out a mirror and looked into it. “Very nice,” she said. “You do a good job.” Then she gave me a hug.

I realized that I had been holding my breath as I waited for her to approve or disapprove of my makeover for her. I let my breath out all at once, so it came out as a big sigh.

“Ok, now, for accessories. Fortunately, you do look like you might have the same shoe-size as me, so, come with me and pick something out that will look cute with that dress. And, let me find you some earrings, a necklace and a bracelet that will go with the outfit, too. Mind you, these are only borrows, but you can keep the dress, of course.”

I went into her closet, which was actually an entire bedroom that was converted into a closet. I was astounded at the amount of clothes, shoes and accessories I saw in there. She was like Carrie Bradshaw, as she must have had 1,000 pairs of designer shoes in that room. Christian Leboutin, Jimmy Choo, Manolo Blahnik, Hermés, Chanel, Kate Spade, Louis Vitton, Prada, Walter Steiger, Alexander McQueen, Gucci – they all were represented in that closet. And they probably were all this season, too. I wondered what she did with her shoes when the new season hit – probably take them to Goodwill, to be snatched up by people like me.

“Pick a shoe, any shoe,” she said, sweeping her hand around the room.

I tentatively walked over to a beautiful pair of Blahnik stilettoes, which were satiny red with bejeweled enormous buttons on the toes. I shyly picked them up and presented them to Robin, who nodded her head in approval. “Good choice,” she said. “Now, you can borrow this diamond necklace with matching earrings and bracelet,” she said, presenting these items to me. “Here, let me put that necklace on you.” She got behind me and clasped the diamond choker.

“Now, I have to get dressed too. You can go in the other bedroom. There’s a full-length mirror in there. I’ll be right out.”

I went into the other bedroom and looked in her full-length mirror, which was antique with a brass frame and on a swivel. I marveled at the way that I looked. I didn’t recognize myself, really. But I felt like a princess. And Robin really did seem like a fairy-godmother right at that moment. No, a fairy godsister, which is what she called herself. She couldn’t be a fairy-godmother, as I think she was my same age, if not a little younger.

Now, if only my handsome prince would talk to me tonight. Just talk to me. Acknowledge my presence without biting my head off or calling me Ms. James. That’s all I asked for.