Beyond Tantra: Healing Through Taoist Sacred Sex (17 page)

One way to undo the damage that these kinds of experiences have created is for a man to demonstrate, clearly and openly, that he respects the women he is with. Asking for permission is a pretty unequivocal way of doing this. A simple but powerful acknowledgement and invitation from a woman is also, for many men, quite a wonderful experience. Certainly for me, after years of thinking incorrectly that Mieke didn’t really like me touching her, it was a revolutionary step. There is power in words, and power in a clear, open and committed ‘Yes’.

What this exchange does is gives the woman a chance to say ‘Yes’.

This also gives her the chance to say ‘could I have bit more leg massage first, please?’ or ‘I think that’s enough for this session. Maybe we could wait for the next one to go further. I would like that.’ It’s very important when a woman does say ‘Yes’ that she means it. This exercise is all about building trust at a very deep level both between a man and a woman and inside each one of them as well.

So how do you build trust in a body? As mentioned above, many women have at some time in their life experienced sexual touching in a way that was not relaxed and enjoyable. As a result, what can be called ‘protective armour’ has been created in the muscles around their Yonis, which actually de-sensitizes the entire area. When a man approaches Yoni with gentleness and respect he is telling his partner’s body that ‘things are different now, you can relax and allow yourself to feel’.

Once she starts to relax and trust, he can begin to tease forth Sexual Qi. The idea is not to stimulate a woman strongly and have Sexual Qi blast through but instead to let it build gently. The end result is, amazingly enough, a far stronger

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Beyond Tantra – Healing Through Taoist Sacred Sex and sustained generation of Sexual Qi than would be achieved by simply applying strong stimulation directly to the clitoris. Many men find this difficult to do as they may find that they are goal-oriented and wanting to ‘get on with it’. I found that if I played a little game with myself called ‘Twice as Long, Half as Much’ it worked wonders. What you do is, after each stroke or touch, you see if you can make the following stroke twice as long in duration and using half the pressure. The next stroke is twice as long again with half the pressure and so on.

The result is actually almost unbearably wonderful for many women, so it’s worth the discipline.

Man:
After five minutes of thigh and leg massage it is time to move into more intimate massage. Stop massaging and make eye contact with your partner.

Now ask your partner if you can start massaging a bit closer to Yoni.

Woman:
If it’s OK to proceed, give your full, conscious permission.

Man:
If you’ve received a ‘Yes’, acknowledge it. Now resume your leg and thigh massage. This time, start gently, slowly and deliberately to move your hands towards your partner’s Yoni at the end of each stroke. So, for example, if you are stroking on the inside of your partner’s thigh, just lightly extend the stroke up the outside of her Yoni. In the beginning, make your strokes so light that she barely feels them. Then, on each subsequent stroke, apply just a little bit more pressure.

Continue moving your strokes more and more around the Yoni but not actually on or into it. Now slow your strokes down until your hands come to a rest on top of Yoni.

STAGE 5: MASSAGE OUTER AND INNER LIPS

Clear, honest and open communication about what is happening in a woman’s body is a very effective way to open up channels for Sexual Qi to flow.

However, it’s not at all unusual for a woman to feel a bit strange about verbalizing so clearly what she feels and wants when it comes to sex. Aren’t men just supposed to know what to do? Well, very often they don’t, and when a woman trusts them enough to tell them, it’s really sexy! Personally, I find there is nothing more attractive than a woman who knows what she wants and is not afraid to gently but clearly tell me. It gives me a lot more confidence that I’m doing the right thing. Remember that saying ‘Yes’ also greatly increases the chances that Sexual Qi will flow.

Man:
Ask if it’s OK to start massaging Yoni’s outer lips.

Woman:
Listen to the question but don’t answer right away. Take a second to observe what is going on in your body. How do you feel? Relaxed? Tense? How does it feel to have your partner’s hands on Yoni? Safe? Scary?

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Sample Dialogue for the Receiver

‘Yes, please. It feels really nice to have your hands on Yoni and I’m
really looking forward to what’s next.’

or:

‘So far so good. I’m feeling a bit nervous, however, and notice there
is still some tension in my legs. Could you do a bit more massage on my
inner thighs?’

or even:

‘Phew. I feel like that’s all I can manage. Thank you for your loving attention, it was great. We can try more next time if that’s OK.’

Take time to really notice how you feel and communicate this to your partner.

Man:
If you’ve received a clear ‘Yes’, you can start with the ‘Outer Lip Massage’. First warm up some lubricant in your hand and apply it slowly to Yoni.

Then, using your thumb and index finger, gently work your way up and down the outer lips of the Yoni. Some women enjoy it if you gently roll the outer lip between your fingers as you move up and down, while others enjoy long, slow strokes with just a little bit of pressure. Just as in the Sacred Touch massage, make sure you keep the communication and eye contact going until you’ve settled into a mutually agreeable stroke.

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Beyond Tantra – Healing Through Taoist Sacred Sex Take your time and spend at least five minutes on the outer lips. Then check with your partner if it’s OK to start massaging Yoni’s inner lips. If you receive a

‘Yes’, begin massaging Yoni’s inner lips. You can use the same strokes as you used on the outer lips. Spend five minutes stroking and/or massaging the inner lips.

The basic motion to use is upwards, i.e. from the Hui Yin up towards the clitoris.

Although the stroke physically ends at the top of the lips, use your mind to visualize Sexual Qi flowing up her front channel to her heart.

Woman:
The chances are quite good that you’ll start to get some Sexual Qi and excitement flowing during the Outer and Inner Lip massages. Good!

Wriggle your pelvis and breath deeply. Circulate your Qi. It’s OK to make noises as well but if you do want to let out some sound, try relaxing your throat as much as you can. Deeper sounds can help open your channels.

STAGE 6: MASSAGE AND TEASE THE CLITORIS

First, a word of caution to the man: please proceed with care. In many women the clitoris is very sensitive. This sensitivity can also vary depending on a wide variety of factors. A good rule of thumb is ‘if she’s not excited, it’s probably not nice’. In fact, for some women a direct touch on the clitoris can be quite overwhelming and even painful.

So how do you tell when a woman is excited? The Taoists enumerated The Nine Essences, The Five Desires, The Five Signs and The Ten Movements as ways to see when a woman is aroused. Here are a few of the points they cover and which are easy to recognize:

• Red flushing on the chest and face

• Breathing becomes more shallow and rapid

• Yoni’s lips begin to swell

• Yoni becomes more lubricated

So how do you bring forth Sexual Qi in your partner by massaging the clitoris if it’s not by direct touch? Well, it’s not an action/response situation, i.e. you don’t simply ‘do’ something to her clitoris to get a response. The Sexual Qi will come all by itself given the right conditions. Sometimes those conditions are very gentle and sometimes they are more vigorous. Simply stay sensitive at all times to what your partner needs. This does take practice and time, however, so don’t be discouraged if the results are not immediately earth-shattering. The important thing is not the goal but the journey.

The purpose of the Yoni Massage is not to bring forth a strong, explosive orgasmic energy. I suspect some people will find this a new idea, as for many people orgasmic overwhelm is what sex is supposed to be about. The techniques of

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Sacred Sex are designed to train you to allow more and more Sexual Qi to flow, without hindrance, through your entire being. You can then guide the Sexual Qi where you wish. It’s not really possible to guide an explosion that’s blasting through obstacles.

So, if an explosion is not what we’re after, what is it? Whole-body orgasm with waves of pleasure moving through our entire being while breathing deeply and slowly accompanied by whole throat sounds is what. Work on staying conscious and present enough to ‘breathe out’ your orgasmic energy so it goes right down to your fingers and toes. This goes as much for the man as the woman during the exercise. The more you can synchronize your experience of the Sexual Qi, the better.

Both partners:
If you are expecting or wanting something to happen, the chances are it won’t. Most women cannot orgasm on command, just as most men cannot have an erection through sheer willpower. The trick is to relax and just enjoy being together and to accept that whatever happens, or doesn’t happen, is perfectly OK. To do this in a world that is increasing goal-oriented can take a bit of ‘un-learning’ and patience however.

Man:
Apply some lubricant that you’ve warmed up in your hand. Now, make sure you know where the clitoris is located. Don’t be shy; if you’re unsure, ask your partner to guide your index finger directly. Once you are confident as to the location of the clitoris, start by ‘massaging around the clitoris’. You do this by making small circular motions with your index finger while pressing lightly next to the clitoris. Now, imagine that the clitoris is at the centre of a clock. Start with your finger at the six o’clock position and work your way slowly around ‘the clock’ in a total of eight steps all the while making small circular motions. At each step massage for at least ten seconds, all the time watching your partner for feedback.