Beyond Tantra: Healing Through Taoist Sacred Sex (7 page)

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The exercises in this book, although presented sequentially, actually cover many skills at the same time. For example, creating trust, removing energetic blocks and increasing sensitivity are just some of the things you will practise in each exercise. Learning Sacred Sex is like learning a musical instrument, i.e. you learn the basics, you practise regularly and you add new skills as you go along. It can feel, just as with learning an instrument, as if not much progress is being made at times. This is normal, as it is often difficult to gauge your own progress. So expect that there will be times that you’ll need to be persistent and persevere.

Dual Cultivation is not a quick fix, but the results are well worth any resistance you may need to overcome. Have patience with yourself, and be thankful you don’t have to spend nine years in a cave like some of the old Taoist and Tibetan monks and nuns!

There is one other important similarity to learning to play an instrument. If you get stuck, don’t push. As a musician, I have often found that when I come to a difficult musical passage, it is only useful to push myself to a certain point.

If I push too hard I run the risk of learning how to play the notes incorrectly, which makes it even harder to get it right later. It works much better to wait and try again the next day as, nine times out of ten, it is much easier to approach something fresh the next time. The same applies to the exercises in this book.

Give them a try, and if you feel stuck, just stop what you’re doing and try again later. There’s no ‘should’ or ‘must’ involved. It’s all about learning to ‘go with the flow’ as the Taoists would say.

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Beyond Tantra – Healing Through Taoist Sacred Sex
About the PRACTICE Chapters

Each
practice
chapter is divided into sections. I suggest that both partners read through all the chapters before they start the practical work. If you’re the kind of people who like to discuss things with each other, then go ahead and talk about what you’ve read and what you think and feel about it. The more you can open the lines of communication, the better.

The Understanding

The Understanding presents a fundamental concept of Dual Cultivation.

The Background

The
Background
gives examples, historical references and analogies to clarify the concept presented in the
Understanding
.

Our Stories

In this section, Mieke and I will tell you a story or two from our own journeys towards the understanding presented in each chapter.

The Exercise

These are hands-on, detailed descriptions of the techniques and practices we use in Dual Cultivation practice. In many of the exercises, I’ve included some sample dialogues in a separate box. You may find these useful if you find yourself ‘stuck for words’ but these dialogues are not intended as ‘this is how you do it’ templates. Hopefully, you can use them instead as food for your own creative process if required.

Solo Cultivation and

Same-Sex Dual Cultivation

This book is about Dual Cultivation,
i.e.
the cultivation of Sexual Qi between two people. Although this most often refers to a man and a woman, the

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Getting Started – Solo Cultivation and Same-Sex Dual Cultivation 37

Taoist texts do have references to same-sex cultivation. The techniques of Dual Cultivation can be used just as well by Gay and Lesbian couples and this book should hopefully be of use to them, although some exercises will not be applicable.

For those readers without partners or whose partners may not be inspired to join you (yet) in Dual Cultivation practices, there is the option of Solo Cultivation. In this case you practise self-stimulation rather than working with a partner to generate Sexual Qi. In fact, Solo Cultivation is often recommended in the Taoist texts, even for people in a sexual relationship, as a way to learn to work more consciously with your own Sexual Qi.

A Note on Terminology

I’ve tried to keep this book simple and straightforward and have used English terms and phrases as much as possible. There are some terms that are not trans-latable from other languages and I’ll explain them as they occur. I’ve also tried to be consistent in the spelling of Chinese terms that have different spellings in use.

For example, I use ‘Qi’ instead of ‘Chi’.

Another issue around terminology is the unfortunate fact that most of the words used for the human sexual organs in English are either clinical or have a negative connotation. Sadly, this is a pretty accurate reflection of Western society’s attitudes to human bodies and sexuality. In this book, I use the Sanskrit term ‘Yoni’ for the female sexual organ, i.e. the vagina, and the Taoist term ‘Jade Stalk’ for the penis. Feel free to use any terms you like as long they have a good feeling about them both for you and your partner.

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Belief Demons

The Understanding

Those who know others are intelligent,

those who know themselves are truly wise.

—Lao Tzu

Almost all people in modern Western cultures have negative thoughts, beliefs, conditioning and ‘body knowledge’ about sex and sexuality. These beliefs are deeply stored both in our minds and our bodies. In order to practise Dual Cultivation successfully, we need to be prepared to exchange these negative beliefs for positive ones.

This is easier said than done, as many of our core beliefs are deeply held. A good place to start this process is to identify our current beliefs about sex and see if we are open to letting new, positive beliefs replace any outdated, negative or no longer helpful ones.

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Beyond Tantra – Healing Through Taoist Sacred Sex
The Background

The teachings that form the core of Dual Cultivation are based on the view that Sexual Qi is fundamentally a neutral force that can be used in many ways.

Just like electricity can be used to light a house or to shock someone, it’s all about using it wisely. Many cultures discovered thousands of years ago that Sexual Qi can be used to promote physical, emotional and spiritual development. Unfortunately, this knowledge was later actively suppressed by many organized religions and other sex-negative organisations and replaced with the notion that ‘Sex is Evil’. For the majority of people in the developed world today, sexuality is, at best, confusing and, at worst, a source of self-loathing and conflict. So we’ve ended up becoming our own worst enemies when it comes to trying to deal in a positive, open manner with our sexuality. The demons are well and truly inside us.

The reality is that most people have a pretty confused set of images and beliefs when it comes to their sexuality. This confusion has often been created during their childhood and is constantly reinforced by the media. It’s no wonder, then, that many people go to a weekend Tantra course, have a wonderful time, come home and then discover that it all just fizzles out. It’s just not that simple to replace the negative with the positive. Just lighting a few candles and practising some new sexual positions is not going to make much of a difference if you have core beliefs such as ‘sex is dirty’ or ‘good girls/boys don’t like sex’ or ‘sex is not spiritual’. As so many spiritual teachings say: ‘Before the new can make its presence felt you need to get rid of the old.’ In the case of Sacred Sex, this means that a good first step is to take a long, judgement-free look at yourself and understand, compassionately, where you are starting from. Once you’ve had a good look at your demons, you’ve got a much better chance of dealing with them.

Mieke’s Story

‘I’m responsible for my own sexuality.’ I’ve heard this phrase many times now. Before Stephan and I started working with Sacred Sex, I had not thought much about it really, especially not in relation to myself. In my mind, sex was something you did with your life partner. To have sex with someone, you would need to be in love, or at least have strong loving feelings for each other. One of the things I clearly remember my mother telling me was how important it was for a woman to keep the man happy. She did not say it out loud, but I knew she meant especially in bed. I also heard her say that it was not important how the