Beyond Tantra: Healing Through Taoist Sacred Sex (10 page)

So when Stephan suggests, as we’re driving along, that we do a communication exercise from one of the books called ‘tell your partner about a peak sexual experience’, I find myself going quiet. This is too difficult for me! I just can’t do it!

I sit in silence as thoughts race through my head: Do I have to tell him about an experience with him? Or dare I tell him about an experience with another man?

I very much want to break this taboo between us. But I’m worried. I want to know that, if I do tell him about a peak sexual experience, what I say will not be used against me at a later time. I can still remember what Stephan said angrily when he finally knew about my relationship: ‘I always knew you had sexual energy with other men but not with me!’

I share my fears with Stephan and he reassures me: ‘This is an exercise in building trust. I will just listen to you and I won’t judge; I won’t react and I won’t

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Building Trust – Mieke’s Story

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criticize.’ I decide to trust Stephan. I take a deep breath to rid myself of the knots in my stomach. I am nervous because somewhere deep down I know that this is an important moment in our relationship.

I hesitate and then begin to tell him about a peak sexual experience I had with another man. I tell him what was important and pleasant for me, what aroused me and what made me happy. I have never been able to do this before and it is a totally new experience for me to be able to speak so openly with him.

I feel a huge relief at being able to talk about this. When my story is finished, there is a long silence. I feel acceptance from him.

Something important has happened. It is the first but not the last of many more intimate and deep conversations to come.

The Accurate Listening Exercise

Goals

• Build trust in your relationship

• Learn to use a ‘clear communication tool’

Duration

One to two hours

What you’ll need

• A quiet, uninterrupted space

• A clock with a second-hand

Description

This exercise is a well-known communications tool that is used, in a number of forms, in a wide variety of situations ranging from counselling and therapy to mediation and arbitration.

It works like this: Decide who is going to start the speaking part of the exercise (Partner A) and who is going to listen (Partner B). You’ll swap roles later.

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Beyond Tantra – Healing Through Taoist Sacred Sex If you have any troubles deciding just flip a coin.

Partner A:
Choose a topic. Start with something non-controversial but interesting, such as ‘things I really like to do with other people’. Take two minutes (no more) and talk about the topic to your partner. Use ‘I’ statements. An ‘I’ statement is a sentence that starts with ‘I’ rather than ‘you’ or ‘one’ or ‘it’. For example:

‘I like to go for walks in the woods with my friend John.’

not

‘It’s nice to go for walk in the woods with John.’

This is important as it means the communication is coming directly from the person speaking and that they are ‘owning’ what they are saying.

When you come to the end of your topic (keep an eye on the clock!) say

‘Done’ or ‘Finished’.

Partner B:
Listen carefully, without any interruption. Try to maintain eye contact while listening. Concentrate on listening and try to remember exactly what you hear without interpreting or reacting.

When you hear the word ‘Done’ or ‘Finished’, take a second to review internally what you have heard. The idea is to focus on hearing exactly what the other person has said without judging, reacting or responding.

When you are ready, tell the other person what you have just heard. Don’t add any interpretation or judgement and don’t start a discussion; simply reflect back as accurately as you can. The goal is to ensure that you have heard accurately what the other person said.

When you come to the end of your ‘reflection’ say ‘Done’ or ‘Finished’.

Partner A:
If, after you have heard everything reflected back to you, you feel that you were not heard correctly, you can repeat what you said and ask to have it reflected again. Don’t change what you’ve said but it’s OK, if necessary, to add a small clarification.

Both Partners:
Repeat the speaking/reflection process until what has been said is reflected accurately. Once an accurate reflection has taken, switch roles so that Partner B speaks and Partner A reflects.

Here’s an example:

Partner A: ‘I like to go for walks in the woods with my friend John.’

Partner B: ‘ You like to go out walking with John.’

Partner A: ‘I like to go for walks in the woods with my friend John.’

Partner B: ‘ You like to go out walking in the woods.’

Partner A: ‘I like to go for walks in the woods with my friend John.’

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Partner B: ‘You like to go out walking in the woods with your friend John.’

After Partner B has successfully reflected back to Partner A what she or he has said, Partner B takes two minutes to speak on the topic.

Partner A then reflects what she or he has heard with, if required, a few clarification rounds.

Do three complete rounds of Partner A speaks / Partner B reflects / Partner B speaks / Partner A reflects.

While you’re doing the exercise, observe how accurately you can hear the other person. Your listening will normally become more accurate over time.

When completed successfully this exercise results in:

• The person speaking knowing that they are heard

• The person listening knowing that they have heard correctly This is the basis of good communication. What most people discover when they do the exercise (anyway, we did) is that they don’t actually hear what the other person is saying. If you’ve been in a relationship for a long time, you may even find that you’re so sure that you know what the other person is going to say that you don’t even hear what they’re
actually
saying.

Once you have completed this ‘accurate listening’ exercise you can put it to the test. Do the exercise again and talk about:

‘What really gets my sexual energy going’

The exercise itself is all about listening accurately without judgement. It’s not about having a discussion although, after you’re finished with the exercise, a discussion may well take place. We found that one of the most common things we talked about afterwards is how the same word, as well as the way a word was said, often meant very different things to each of us. We often find ourselves sorting out the confusion caused as a result!

The next time you find yourself arguing or getting bothered with your partner try Active Listening and see what happens.

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Sacred Touch

The Understanding

The softest things in the world

overcome the hardest things in the world.

—Lao Tzu

To touch, and to be touched, is a great part of what sex is all about. Dual Cultivation practices teach that conscious, gentle and loving touch creates the right conditions for Sexual Qi to flow through the whole body.

Touch that is done roughly, or with disrespect, can leave psychic, emotional or physical wounds in our mind and body. It is possible to heal these wounds with Sacred Touch.

The Background

Sexual energy is powerful. The urge to procreate is the basis of life itself. Just look at the animal and plant life on our planet and you’ll see how much energy

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Beyond Tantra – Healing Through Taoist Sacred Sex is spent on making sure that the next generation can come into being. Humans are no exception to this. If you need any further confirmation, just think about how many lives, families, organisations and even empires have been altered simply because of an irresistible attraction between a man and a woman.