Beyond Tantra: Healing Through Taoist Sacred Sex (15 page)

Once you’ve learned the Small Orbit you can practise putting it to use. All you need to do is get some Sexual Qi going and then pull the energy up your spine. A straightforward way of doing this for men is self-stimulation of the Jade Stalk while taking great care not to go beyond the ‘point of no return’. For women, manually massaging the breasts and/or clitoris or even using a vibrator can do the trick. Just get some Sexual Qi going, stop stimulating yourself and then immediately pull the Sexual Qi around your circuit. Do this three, six or nine times and then store the generated Qi in your Tan Tien.

You can practise the Small Orbit anywhere; standing in a queue at the bank, watching TV, in the middle of a business meeting – all are places where circulating your Qi can be of great benefit (although getting the
Sexual
Qi going in public is inadvisable!). You will find after a time that the Small Orbit has a deeply calming effect on your body, your mind and your emotions.

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The Understanding

Nature does not hurry,

yet everything is accomplished.

—Lao Tzu

Women can learn how to manage and direct their flow of Sexual Qi. Men can help women create a safe space in which to do this by acting as a respectful and communicative partner. The Yoni Massage is a tool that couples can use to create the right setting and conditions that make it easier for women to say ‘Yes!’ to their Sexual Qi flow.

The Background

The Yoni Massage is a wonderful opportunity for men to learn more about how women’s, and specifically their partner’s, Sexual Qi works in a very practical, hands-on fashion. It also offers a setting for women to get more in touch with their Sexual Qi, lower barriers to its flow and to experience an intimate, deep connection with the man giving the Yoni Massage.

During a Yoni Massage a man:

• Helps a woman pull her Sexual Qi up from her Hui Yin towards the

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Beyond Tantra – Healing Through Taoist Sacred Sex clitoris and then towards the heart. This helps a woman to connect her Sexual Qi with the rest of her being and begins to open up the channels for Sexual Qi to flow through.

• ‘Warms the Oven’. This comes from the Chinese saying: ‘You can’t bake bread in a cold oven.’ In other words, if you want to generate Sexual Qi, you get the best results if the stove, i.e. the woman’s sexual organs, are warmed up and aroused before engaging in sexual activity.

• Demonstrates to the woman physically, emotionally and mentally that he is present, responsive and aware of her. For many women this is an incredible aphrodisiac. I recently heard some feedback from women who had had their first encounter with a trained, male, Sacred Sex adept. I was curious to know what aspect of the sexual delights they had experienced made the biggest impression. Surprisingly, it had nothing to do with the sex at all. It was the fact that these men gave the women their full, undivided attention that made such an impression. The men involved were completely, 100% present and focused on the desires and wishes of the women they were with.

During the Yoni Massage a woman:

• Learns to circulate her Sexual Qi as it is being aroused.

• Practises staying fully present and connected to her partner while experiencing Sexual Qi flow.

• Learns to relax and allow Sexual Qi to flow through her entire body and practises techniques to release tensions and blockages that impede its free flow.

Finally, what a couple learns during the Yoni Massage is how to work together to bring forth Sexual Qi consciously and openly by communicating clearly with each other and saying ‘Yes’.

Stephan’s Story

I was never taught how to touch a woman as, unfortunately, they didn’t have that course at any of the schools I attended. Instead, I learned through observation of family, friends and what I saw on TV and at the movies. Later, in my teens, I learned through a trial-and-error process with my girlfriends.

I did try my best but, quite frankly, I really didn’t know what I was doing. I suppose it’s a small consolation that none of my friends did either but that didn’t do a lot of good for the girls at the receiving end of my attentions. It was clear to me, although you wouldn’t have gotten me to admit it out loud, that I didn’t

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Yoni Massage – Stephan’s Story

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really know how to ‘give a woman an orgasm’ but, on the other hand, neither did I know how to remedy that lack of education.

When Mieke and I first met I had already had a bit of sexual experience.

None of it had been all that great. I guess I was a bit uptight and could never really relax enough just to enjoy myself. When Mieke and I fell madly in love, the rush of endorphins was a great aphrodisiac. Even though my skills weren’t any better, it was wonderful to make love with someone I was so totally in love with. Unfortunately, like so many other couples, that falling in love energy lasted for just a few years before it slowly but surely started to fade away. Our sex-life faded as well, especially as the children took up more and more of our time.

This, too, is an all-too-familiar story that I’ve heard from other couples.

We had been together for just over twenty years when Mieke fell ill and my sexual esteem was pretty much non-existent at that point. I felt that Mieke had no sexual interest in me at all and that if I touched her in any sort of a sexual way it really didn’t matter to her and certainly didn’t excite her. It turns out that this wasn’t actually true but it’s what I felt at the time. It wasn’t that we didn’t have a sex-life, it’s just that it was pretty low in energy. More like a nice cuddle rather than lots of orgasmic energy. We loved each other but there wasn’t a lot of sexual spark between us. I had resigned myself to this and pretty much given up hope of ever changing it.

When Mieke said ‘Yes’ to working with Sacred Sex to try and heal her illness, I was totally amazed. It’s not just that she was ill and had no energy, it’s that I really didn’t believe she would want to do that with me. It took a while to sink in but, when it did, I realized that there might, just, be a small chance that something might happen to that lack of sexual energy between us. Yes, it was primarily Mieke’s health I was concerned about, but I also hoped that working with Sacred Sex practices might do something for our relationship as well. I really had no idea what might happen, though.

As I read through the books I had bought all those years ago, I soon realized that I had some serious homework to do. There were a lot of exercises to perform alone and some of the couple exercises appeared to have little to do with sex. I still remember our children laughing as I tried to use my tongue to move an orange that I had strung up on piece of string in the doorway as a ‘tongue strengthening’ exercise. I guess they always thought their Dad was crazy but this probably confirmed it!

One of the very first exercises we did together was the Yoni massage. This was something brand new for me. I had never spent a lot of time examining or massaging a woman’s sexual organs before. I followed the instructions carefully and discovered that I actually quite enjoyed the gentle, quiet and relaxed time we spent before the fire. To start with, there was very little Sexual Qi flowing but this

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Beyond Tantra – Healing Through Taoist Sacred Sex was OK, as I had no idea what to expect or what would happen. But, slowly but surely over the months, Mieke started to relax more and more and became excited. This was really, really nice for me. For the first time in my life I felt like I was allowed to touch a woman and she was enjoying it and even asking for more! I realize now that the communication and trust we built up over those many months was crucial to Mieke’s healing process and my growth as a skilled lover.

It’s never too late to learn.

Mieke’s Story

Stephan thought I was not interested in having sex with him. I thought he was not really keen to have sex with me. When he tried to touch me in a sexual way, I was often too tired, or preoccupied with kids or work. We had grown apart and the spark was not there anymore. It’s not that I did not want to, and I still loved him very much; it’s that we were stuck in a rut and I did not know how to get out of it. It was much easier to have sexual energy with someone new, someone with whom I did not have many years’ history. I also knew I could have sexual energy by myself. I had experienced this on several occasions; being out in nature, in special places, I could get orgasms just standing with my feet firmly planted on the ground.

Many years ago, before our sex-life started slowing down, I had this longing for something else: to be able to spend more time at foreplay, to have long, slow sex, more intimate and emotional. I do remember trying to talk to Stephan about this. I remember telling him: slow down! I always had the feeling he did not know what I was talking about, and after a while I gave up. Maybe it was just a romantic notion I had. I knew what I did not want: a quickie before going to bed, then fall asleep, or fast and furious, and then suddenly it was all over. It always left me feeling irritable and unhappy.

So now we are doing Yoni massages, we are arranging Sacred Sex sessions, taking plenty of time; an old dream come true! We make a true heart connection, the whole body is involved, and it’s slow! It took me some time to get used to it. I discovered it’s not always easy to receive! I was just not used to it. I had spent many years of my life giving, thinking about other people, not just the family, making sure people around me were looked after. So here I was, being asked to be with myself, to be present, to communicate my feelings and what it was I liked, and even to ask for what I wanted! Oh dear, I took a deep breath and tried. My mind wandered, it was too slow, it was boring! I suddenly remembered the things I needed to add to my shopping list, etc. I did not do very well in the beginning, but Stephan was so patient, and encouraging, that after a while I got the hang of it. Concentrating on breathing and taking slow deep breaths was a