Beyond Repair (30 page)

“Okay … how about Frogger?” I was totally going to get my ass kicked, but Zoey could never turn that game down. She was the only person who could consistently win against me.

She kept looking down but finally nodded. “Yeah, sure.”

But I won three games in a row, and Zoey didn’t even care. Something was wrong. “You okay?”

“Yeah. It’s just … We’ll be getting our results soon. Next week.”

I nodded. Even though I had focused on Mia and the pathology report this past week, the results hung in the back of my mind.

“I don’t know how you did it. I saw the look on your face when the nurse came in to tell you to get her ready. I don’t know if I can send my kids in for surgery like that.”

“Oh, you’d be surprised at the things you can do when you have no other option,” I said dryly.

“You’re probably going to tell me not to worry about it until we know for sure.”

“Nope. It’s a mom thing. You can’t not worry.”

She shook her head at me. “I can’t believe I’m whining to you about this, after what Mia just went through. I’m sorry.”

“No, I get it. It’s scary. But … Look, it sucks. I’m not going to lie and say it doesn’t. But you have to realize at the same time that you’re lucky. We were lucky Mia’s cancer was caught so early. And if our family carries it, we’re lucky that we can get the procedure done so we don’t have to worry about actually getting it.”

She smacked my arm. “Listen to you. When did you get to be the smart sister?”

“I was always the smart sister. Now give me a challenge and let’s go play Paperboy. It’s boring when I win all of the time.”

* * *

“We’re home, Mia,” I said, looking over my shoulder into the backseat.

She was fast asleep. Chris stepped out of the car and opened her door.

“We can wake her up,” I said.

“Nah, I’ve got her.” He scooped her into his arms and smiled at me. “I like doing this dad stuff.”

“You’re perfect at the dad stuff.”

I opened the door for him and pulled off Mia’s shoes, sinking into a kitchen chair as he disappeared up the stairs. What a long, amazing day. I was so glad that everything was behind us.

Well, almost everything.

I refused to worry about my upcoming test results. There was still a week left until I would be notified. Today was all about being happy.

Chapter Twenty-Seven

N
OW THAT MIA HAD A
clean bill of health, my leave of absence was officially over. I was worried after spending so much time at home that Mia wouldn’t be ready to go back to school, but I couldn’t have been more wrong. She was so excited to see her friends that my worry evaporated.

I was back to work, Chris was back to work, and Mia was back in school. Life was returning to normal, except Mia took a pill every day.

Chris still slept over every night. We had an unspoken agreement that he lived with Mia and me now. His clothes were slowly making their way into the drawers I had cleared out for him. Kyle was going to come by this weekend to help switch Chris’s bed with mine, so he’d be more comfortable.

He started leaving earlier in the mornings to work on the house but would pick up Mia every day on the way home, and the three of us would spend the evening together. Mia’s newest hobby was putting all of her barrettes in Chris’s hair.

A few days after she was back in school, Chris came home looking guilty. “I have to leave tonight. I’m sorry. I have an electrician coming tomorrow, and I need to finish the framing.”

I was a little bummed that I wouldn’t see much of him tonight, but Chris was going to have to work late sometimes. I needed to deal with it. “It’s okay … but you’re coming back here, right? When you’re done?”

He nodded. “Unless you don’t want me to, so I don’t wake you up.”

“No. I want you here.”

He gave me that uneven smile that I loved. “Then I’ll be here. I’ll stay with you guys and leave when you put Mia to bed.” He kissed the top of my head. “Hopefully, I won’t be too late.”

After Mia was asleep, being alone reminded me of how much I loved having Chris here with us. Especially this time of the night. I had never acknowledged how lonely I’d been before, how I’d just gone through motions of keeping myself busy in the evenings. It was so much better when he was here to talk and laugh with me. Chris just had a way of making me feel happy, of keeping me grounded when things got tough.

He wasn’t home by the time I went to bed, and I tried not to be too disappointed that I had to fall asleep without him. I knew it was stupid because I had been sleeping alone for years, but I had become so comfortable falling asleep in Chris’s arms every night these past weeks. It took me forever to fall asleep without him.

Midway through the night, my eyes opened, and I sighed as I realized Chris’s body was against mine, with his arm around me. I could feel his even breaths and his chest rising and falling. I loved it. He worked hard all day and night and still held me when he came home, even though I was sleeping. I adjusted a little, settling back into him, and his body shifted, arm tightening around me. I could smell his soap as he moved, and I shivered, even though I wasn’t cold.

Things had been so crazy lately; this was a moment where I could just enjoy him. And as much as I loved that he was holding me, I wanted to touch him all over. We hadn’t done anything since our night at his place, and I missed him.

I rolled onto my back, while Chris stayed on his side with his arm flopped over me. My eyes adjusted to the dark, and I gazed at his beautiful face. Not wanting to wake him, I skimmed my fingertips along his jaw and brushed over his lips. They parted slightly. The desire to press my mouth against his soared through me, but I held back.

Taking his arm with a gentle grasp, I guided it off me. It was a loss, but now I had access to his chest. My fingers trailed across the hard planes, down to his stomach, along the contours of his muscles. His breathing became a little more ragged, but his eyes remained closed.

My fingers lingered at the waistband of his boxer briefs. I wanted to go lower, but he’d had such a long day that I didn’t have the heart to wake him.

I closed my eyes and breathed him in, welcoming the lightheadedness when I smelled his soap again. Unable to stop myself, my hand trailed down, over the fabric. My heart pounded as I rested over his length, barely touching it. He was already so close to being hard.

All right, I was being a total creep, touching him like that while he was sleeping. I needed to wake him up or control myself. I started focusing on having the willpower to move.

But then his hand was on my hip, pulling me to him, trailing over my ass and lifting my leg. My palm pushed against him, and I loved feeling him grow harder and bigger, twitching under my touch. Wanting to press more against his hard length, I moved my hand so I could hook my leg around him. His palm roamed back up my butt, and he angled me so I was right against his erection. He shifted his body slightly, creating friction between us, his hand still holding me against him. We both groaned.

“Sorry, did I wake you?” I whispered.

“I don’t mind,” he said softly, bringing his mouth to mine. I parted my lips immediately, welcoming the slide of his tongue against my own, and I just let myself go, enjoying the moment with him.

Both of us kept moving, craving the contact, and I moaned into his mouth when his fingers slid into my waistband and started pulling my yoga pants down. I pried myself off him for a few seconds to rip them all the way off with my underwear and molded myself against Chris again, only to discover that he’d rid himself of his boxers. My legs fell apart, scissoring through his as we both pushed forward, Chris easily slipping deep into me.

“Missed you. Missed you so much,” he whispered.

“Oh, God,” I moaned as quietly as I could, burying my head against his chest as he pumped in and out, so much faster and harder than our night at his place, and I met each thrust with a hard roll of my hips. The angle of our bodies was perfect for rubbing my clit against his pelvis, and combined with how deep Chris was stroking, every move pulsed fire through my body. I gripped his back because I needed to hang on to him, and he dug his fingers into mine, locking me in his arms where I belonged.

“Love you,” his choked voice said against the top of my head.

“Forever,” I whispered back. His hand brushed against my chin and I tilted my head up, meeting his ready lips with mine. We caught each other’s sounds of pleasure in our mouths as we moved, and after a few slow minutes, my body surrendered to our efforts. Chris held me tight as my orgasm rolled over me in a long, slow wave, and he rode it to his own release.

We stayed connected, him running his fingers through my hair, me holding my hand over his beating heart. I waited for my contentment to wash away. What happened between Chris and me just now was so raw and needy … a reclaiming of each other after this nightmare. Surely, I should feel guilty. My daughter—who had just recovered from cancer—was in the house.

But all I felt was love, safety, and hope for a wonderful future with all three of us happy and healthy, as a family.

* * *

My mind told me it was time to wake up, but there was a hand rubbing my shoulder, and it felt amazing. Maybe just one more minute …

“Brooke.” Chris’s quiet tone sent tingles down my spine. “It’s getting late.”

I opened one eye. He sat on the edge of the bed, his hair wet. I reached up and ran my fingers down his arm. “You smell good.”

He laughed. “I just took a shower.”

I bit my lip as a steamy image popped into my brain, then sat up. No point in getting all turned on when Mia would be up soon and we both had to go to work. “Do you have a lot to do today?”

“Yeah, but I’m not going back there tonight.” He pushed my hair out of my face. “Um, Brooke?”

“Yeah?”

“You get your test results back today.”

I looked down. I’d been avoiding thinking about this all last night. Chris was a wonderful distraction. “I know.”

He rested his hand on mine. “Are you worried?”

“If I need surgery? Nope. I’m worried more for Zoey’s kids—”

“You know what I’m asking.”

I was quiet for a minute. “I … I don’t know what I’ll do if it’s his side. I’ve been trying not to think about it.” I sighed. “But it’s getting to be time where I have to.”

Chris lifted my hand and grazed the knuckles with his lips. “Whatever you decide to do, I love you. I’ll support your decision and help however I can.”

“Thanks,” I whispered. I really didn’t want to think about this.

“So someone is going to call?”

“Yeah, I’ll only have to go in if our side is the carrier.”

“I can stay with you today.”

I tried to smile. “No, you were just telling me you had a lot to do.”

“You’re more important.”

“Thanks, but I’m just going to distract myself with work. And Zoey’s going to probably want to talk after she hears the results.” I paused. “And I might have a lot of thinking to do.”

“Promise you’ll call if you need me?”

I nodded, closing my eyes as Chris kissed my forehead. “I’ll see you tonight.”

* * *

While I was on my leave of absence, some of my projects had been reassigned, but there was still a lot for me to do. I was able to stay busy after dropping Mia off at school. But as the afternoon crept by, I found it harder and harder to focus on work.

By three thirty, I was wondering if I should call the hospital myself, when the phone rang. I jumped a mile and picked it up.

“Hello … Okay … Have you told my family yet? Okay … Yes, thank you … Bye.”

I disconnected and placed the phone down on my desk. My pulse beat in my ears so loud it was giving me a headache. I rubbed my temples and took a deep breath, hoping it would calm me down.

It didn’t work, so I grabbed the glass of water on my desk and took a sip. I stared at the glass for a minute, then wound my hand back and hurled it at the wall. A loud thump pierced the quiet as the glass made contact, and the shatter was so loud that it vibrated in my head.

I stared at the broken glass in the puddle of water, sparkling like little diamonds in the sun that filtered into the room.

And I screamed.

Chapter Twenty-Eight

W
HAT AM I GOING TO
do?

This shouldn’t be happening. Hasn’t enough shit happened?

Fuck.

I took the garbage can from the kitchen and walked over to the broken glass. After picking up the large pieces, I threw a towel on the ground to soak up the water. Then I vacuumed.

It was a shitty distraction.

Thoughts of hand sanitizer invaded my mind. There was a bottle in my purse. There was one in the junk drawer in the kitchen. There was another on the small table by the door where I kept my keys.

I didn’t need it. It really wasn’t going to help me.

But I did need to calm down. I went into the kitchen and fumbled around in one of the cabinets until I pulled out a bottle of vodka. Staring at it, I realized it probably wasn’t the best way to make me relax. The strands of hair tied around the bottle really pissed me off. For years, I was so paranoid. Yeah, I had a reason when I was in public, or with people I didn’t know, but tying my hair around open bottles in my own home? Using hand sanitizer whenever the smallest thing upset me? I had ignored what happened for years, but it didn’t stop me from becoming a mess.

I thought I was finally overcoming it. And then this shit happened.

Anger burned through me. I
was
fucking overcoming it. I started pulling every open bottle of alcohol I owned out of the cabinet, lining them up on the counter. Vodka. Tequila. Rum. Midori. Black Haus. I worked my way down the line, snapping the hair off each one, my breath coming out in pants. Not because I was panicking, but because I liked it. I was getting off on not letting such stupid things take over my life anymore.

I couldn’t stop. I walked around the house, getting every bottle of hand sanitizer I owned. In the bathroom. On my nightstand. In my purse. In the drawer. On my desk. In the living room. On the kitchen table. Stored in the closet.