Beyond Repair (13 page)

I grabbed his hand and squeezed it, moving it from my face. He blinked in surprise and my mind cleared. “She really likes you, too. You got three of her fancy rocks. That’s a pretty big deal.”

“Can we play ponies?” Mia yelled, her voice distant from upstairs.

“Yes, bring them down,” I called back. I grinned at Chris, the seriousness leaving the air. “Still want to stay?”

“Only if I get the pink one.”

“Deal.”

* * *

I looked at the clock, surprised that it was already past Mia’s bedtime. “Mia, we need to get you to bed. You have school tomorrow.”

She was so tired, she didn’t even try to negotiate five more minutes. As she stood, she asked, “Are you going to watch TV with Chris after I go to sleep?”

Well done, Mia
. I had been debating whether to ask him to hang out for a little after she went to bed, and she took care of it for me. I shrugged, keeping my eyes on her. “If he wants to.”

“He wants to.” Chris’s response was immediate. I looked over at him, sitting cross-legged on the floor surrounded by toys, and giving me one of those sexy half smiles. I smiled back, probably looking like an idiot.

Mia yawned, then ran over and hugged Chris. He looked surprised for a second, but then hugged her back. “Good night.”

“Night!” she sang and followed me up the steps. We started her bedtime routine, and when she’d finished brushing her teeth, she amused herself in front of the mirror by opening and closing her mouth, making a clicking noise.

“You’re funny.” I stood next to her and repeated her actions in the mirror. “Are you ready for bed?”

“I’m trying to pop the bubble.”

“What bubble? Are there bubbles in the sink?”

“No, Mom. The bubble in my throat. I have to pop it.”

I grabbed a little paper cup from the stack on the counter. “Here, this should help.”

Mia downed the water and asked for more. Since the cup was the size of a shot glass, I filled it up again. Four cups later, she announced that the bubble was gone.

“Your throat doesn’t hurt, does it?”

“Nope, just the bubble.”

“It must have been one big bubble to need all of that water.”

“Yes, Mom. It was super big.” She grinned at me, and I laughed as we headed to her room.

* * *

After putting Mia to bed, I walked into the living room to find Chris sitting on the couch.

“Sorry about that. You could have turned the TV on.”

He scratched his neck. “I was just looking at your lamp-less end table.”

I laughed as I sat down, and he wrapped his arms around me, pulling me against his chest. His heart beat against my ear, and I realized how happy I was. I had a fun day with my daughter and the guy I liked. Now Mia was sleeping peacefully, and Chris just wanted to hang out, holding me?

I should tell him. I
had
to tell him.

Chris’s fingers trailed up and down my arm. Though he was barely touching my skin, it was driving me insane.
Not tonight. I just want to keep him a little longer. I’ll tell him what a terrible person I am another day.

I stuck my hand in between the couch cushions until I found the remote and turned on the TV. We quickly agreed on some crime drama, which I didn’t even watch. I just focused on his fingers moving, the rise and fall of his chest as he breathed, and the scent of him clouding my mind. I didn’t even realize the show was over until he held me a little tighter. “I really should go.”

“I’ll walk you out.” We both sat there for a minute, not moving, until he finally laughed and let go. I led him to the door and turned toward him. I didn’t really know how to tell him what today meant to me. “Today was … I’m glad you … Um, Mia had a good time with you today. She really likes you.”

He tilted his head. “What about you?”

“I had a good day, too.”

His eyes burned mine. “You know that’s not what I meant.”

Heat rushed to my face. “I like you, too.”

He took a deep breath, but then looked down. “Like, or really like?”

“Are we in seventh grade or something?”

His expression was serious as he looked at me. “No, but you have a daughter who I don’t want to keep you from. And I can’t ….” He paused, rubbing the top of his head. “I have to know if this is going somewhere. I’m sorry; I know we’ve only been on one real date and you have stuff you’re working through. And we’ll take things slow, physically. I promise that you’re in total control. For me, it’s more than that. I’m getting too …” He stopped mid-sentence and put his hands on my shoulders. “Do you think this is going somewhere? You and me?”

I looked at his pleading eyes, nodding my head. “It’s not going slow for me.” The words slipped out without me thinking them through, and I instantly wished I could take them back. I was sharing too much. I looked at the bottle of hand sanitizer on the table by the door and fisted my hand to keep from grabbing it.

Chris closed his eyes for a moment, then opened them to sear into mine. “Me neither,” he whispered. He pushed my hair out of my face. “I’m glad you told me. Tell me stuff, okay? When you’re ready.”

I relaxed my hand, the urge gone. “You, too.”

He nodded. “I’m just really happy right now. I don’t want to think about anything else.” He pulled me toward him, lightly brushing his lips against mine.

He had a point. Why think of all of the horrible things that happened years ago, things that were out of my control, when I could be happy now? I drew in a breath as he pulled away, taking in all that was perfect about him. Not just the way he looked, but the caring, gentle, and understanding person that was changing everything for me.

“I really should go; it’s getting late,” he said. The tone of his voice told me he wasn’t ready to leave just as much as his feet remaining planted to the ground.

I didn’t want him to go either. Not without knowing when I’d see him again. “Want to come over again some night this week?”

He nodded. “When?”

Tomorrow was probably too soon. “Tuesday?”

“Okay.” His soft voice made me feel like I was going to melt into a puddle on the floor. My eyes sank shut as he kissed me again, long and slow. “Good night, Brooke.”

I kept them closed as he pulled away. “Night.”

The door shut, and I hummed as I went on the computer and ordered the doll Mia had asked for. And a dress because I was in a good mood. I shut off my computer and headed to my room, still humming.

* * *

My eyelids weighed a million pounds, but I needed to open them. The world was so loud that all I wanted to do was cover my ears, except my hands were useless, dead weight I could not move. They weighed so much more than my eyelids.

I tried so hard, and my eyes finally opened. I could see the ink-black sky, but no stars. The city lights were too bright.

The ground was hard. I was on the cement, and there were footsteps around me. No one cared, and even with everyone rushing by me, I was alone.

I stood and pulled my keys out of my pocket. My keychain was empty; I had no keys to my apartment. I looked in my other pocket. There was a black toothbrush. I had no toothpaste, but I brushed my teeth anyway. They felt so dirty.

“There you are.”

My mouth opened, but I had no voice. I touched my throat.

“I will take care of this.”

I did not want to follow Frank. His son had done something bad. My feet didn’t listen, and I followed him to a black castle.

“We are here,” Frank said as we crossed the bridge over the moat. “It can all be fixed.” He put his hands in the dark water and pulled out a bottle with a rolled up paper in it. “Just sign this.”

I took the bottle, but something moved inside the glass. I dropped it and the bottle shattered, and the creatures inside escaped. Scorpions crawled near my bare feet. Where did my shoes go?

“No good will come from this; just sign it.”

Everything was wrong.

I stepped away from the scorpions and bumped into something. I turned.

Chris smiled down at me. “I have you,” he said and handed me my shoes. The scorpions jumped into the water as I put my shoes on. Chris took my hand and led me away from the castle.

Everything was right.

* * *

My eyes flew open. What the hell? I haven’t had a dream about Frank or the contract in over a year, and now this trippy shit?

The clock flashed 5:13 a.m. I sat up and reached for the bottle of hand sanitizer on my nightstand. There was no point in trying to go back to sleep; my mind was working overtime from that weird dream.

Since Mia wouldn’t be up for hours, I got ready for the day and headed down to the kitchen. Staring mindlessly out the window as my coffee was brewing, my eyes almost popped out of their sockets when I saw Chris. Running. In a shirt drenched with sweat.

And I about hyperventilated when he stopped at the end of his driveway and pulled the shirt over his head. No joke, it was the closest thing I had to an orgasm in five years.

I wanted to go out and say hi, but I wasn’t sure if I wanted to admit I had been watching him. He probably did this every day and didn’t expect to have an audience. I really shouldn’t—

Shit, he was waving at me. Nothing like getting caught drooling over someone. I waved back and gathered up my courage, then went outside.

He had put his shirt back on as I was leaving my place, so he was fully covered by the time I reached him. So disappointing. But it was probably for the best; now I didn’t have to worry about the distraction. This was going to be embarrassing enough while he was fully clothed. “Hi. Um, sorry, I was just looking out the window and then there you were—”

He gave me a strange look. “Why are you sorry? Because you looked out your window?”

“Well, I’m not usually up this early. I didn’t want you to think you had an audience when you went running and um, came home. I don’t normally stand at the window and watch you like some creepy stalker.”

Chris snorted. “Yeah, my girlfriend is stalking me.” He stopped laughing and turned pink.

I bit my lip to keep myself from smiling. “Do you want me to pretend I didn’t hear that?”

He rubbed the back of his neck. “No.”

I could only nod, staring at him, until he finally grinned at me. “Are you going to say anything?”

“Thank you.”

“Are you serious? Why are you thanking me?”

“Because. You know I have … issues and you still want that with me.” I stood on my tiptoes and kissed him. “So, thank you.”

A tormented look crossed his face, and he put his hands on my shoulders. “How could I not want you?” He pushed my hair back. “How could you even think that?” His warm lips brushed against my forehead and stayed there. “I want to hug you, but I’m all sweaty.”

“I don’t care.”

“Good.” He picked me up from around my waist and lifted me so I was level with his face, and he angled his head so our mouths would meet perfectly.

Everything was right … except I still needed to tell him.

Chapter Thirteen

A
LL DAY LONG, THE THOUGHT
of telling Chris about Pierce spun around my head, making me want to throw up. Part of me knew my fear of telling him was irrational. Chris wasn’t the kind of person who would leave me just because I was raped years ago. Hell, he already knew a guy did something to hurt me. And he wasn’t stupid. Though the subject of Mia’s dad hadn’t come up, and he had never asked, he must have figured out it was him.

My problem was I didn’t want to change how he saw me. A woman who left an abusive relationship was tough, a real hard ass, and should be admired. A woman who was raped and dragged the dick who did it to court was a rock star for doing the right thing. A woman who signed a contract and got paid off to keep quiet about being raped? Not so admirable. Not a rock star. Just a scared, depressed, pathetic thing who had given up and had known there was no use in trying. And the woman who decided to keep the rapist’s baby … who even decided to do that?

Me.

That was the scary part. He probably thought I did this big, admirable thing, like take Mia out of a bad situation, when all I did was take the easiest way out. And then fell in love with a baby who wasn’t born yet. Telling him was going to change his opinion of me. And probably Mia.

God, I hoped he could still look at Mia and see nothing bad in her.

But I was determined to enjoy the night for now and deal with the rest later. When Mia and I got home from school, Chris was waiting for us, sitting on our top step with his long legs stretched out. Mia unbuckled herself from her seat and ran to him. When I saw her jump on him and give him a hug, I didn’t have the heart to tell her that she should have asked me before getting out of the car.

I swallowed. I wasn’t the only one who needed him.

When I walked over to them, he looked up and grinned. “I missed you.”

I wanted nothing more than to kiss him, but I wasn’t going to do anything like that in front of Mia until I told him about Pierce and knew he was staying with me. I stared at his mouth instead. “Missed you, too.”

Chris reached for my hand and pulled me next to him. Mia settled between us, chattering away. The three of us sat on the steps and talked about her day at school, while Chris held my hand behind her back and he asked her questions.

It was a completely ordinary thing to do. And it was completely amazing.

* * *

When Mia’s head fell against my arm in the middle of
Finding Nemo,
I looked at the clock in surprise. It was already past her bedtime. “Be right back,” I said, my voice low so I wouldn’t disturb my sleeping Mia.

Chris looked away from the screen and nodded. He kept his eyes on me as I scooped Mia up, and the relaxed expression on his face turned into a frown. He looked down at his lap.

I bit my lip. This was weird. “Everything okay?”

He looked up and gave me a fake smile. Even and way too small. “Everything’s great.”

Liar.
“Okay. I’ll be back down soon.”

I took Mia upstairs and managed to get her ready for bed in her dream-like state. After I had tucked her in, I headed back to the living room.