Between Black and Sunshine (11 page)

I force a smile for her sake but I’m not happy to be stuck here with her sleazy brother. Funny, how he was playing the important professor role with me earlier and is now buying alcohol for under-aged girls in a dorm room. “How’s it going, Professor?” I ask him politely, with a smile.

“What?” Piper asks, looking at me.

“He taught my English lit class today,” I tell her.

“No way. Oh god, that’s too funny. I tried to get into that class, just to give him shit, but it was full.” She looks at her brother who is smiling now too. “I just can’t picture it. He’s so not Professor material. I mean seriously, such a fuckup when we were growing up. Even more so than me. In fact, he’s the whole reason I’m fucked up at all… had to be the nice big brother who brought his little sister to parties and let her drink and smoke with his friends.” Piper’s giving him shit but it’s clear she worships the guy. She obviously doesn’t see the arrogant ass who takes advantage of his students.

“You’d be Josie Meinke if it weren’t for me,” he tells her.

“True. Josie was my b.f.f. before Anton forbid me from hanging out with her and took me under his wing. She ended up pregnant with a meth addiction. And all I am is on curfew with a bottle of vodka –
boring.
Here, have some of this, I have to pee,” Piper says, handing me the bottle and standing. I take it from her and set it on the floor next to me before standing myself. I’m not sitting in a room alone with this guy.

“Hey,” he says, standing too, right in front of me. “I’m sorry if I came off like a total asshole today. I’m not a real teacher or anything, I hope you know that. I’m just student teaching as a requirement. Sorry, that’s a lame excuse. I’m just trying to say, yes, I was totally hitting on you after class and, yes, I was probably trying to impress you with my knowledge of books, which is really lame. I saw your face when you walked into Piper’s room and I get it – it was creepy. I’m sure you’re used to getting hit on all the time and having guys use all forms of lame methods to impress you, but it probably seemed extra disturbing since I had just taught your class. But I’m not a real teacher. I mean, I don’t grade your papers or anything. Just so you know. And I should have figured, but I didn’t know, that you have a boyfriend. I won’t try that shit with you again. Promise.”

“You were totally creepy. I recommend you don’t try that shit with anyone, ever again.”

He laughs like I’m joking, but I’m not. “Got it. Piper’s been talking about you all day- she likes you. This creepy shit I tried out today… I swear, I’m not really like that. I just saw you and… I don’t know what the hell I was thinking. But that’s not who I am. If Piper knew I was hitting on her friend, much less a student in my class, she would never let it go.”

“I don’t buy that. You seem like the kind of douche who hits on anything with a pulse.”

“Holy shit.
No.
I’m not. You’re the only one, I swear. I’ll never try it again.”

Piper comes back into the room then. Her brother is still staring at me, pleading with his eyes. “You’re not leaving already are you?” she asks me.

Am I
? “Nope, just stretching my legs,” I say lamely before plopping back down on the bean bag and uncapping the bottle of vodka.

“Good, because he’s not gonna sit around here entertaining me all night. I had to sneak him through the back door. He’s so cool he can’t be caught coming into the freshman dorms. When this week is over though I’ll bring you to his place. You’ll like it and god knows we’re not going to be sitting around here for another night- ever.”

I look at Anton. He looks completely uncomfortable which makes me happy. “Sounds awesome. It would be so cool, partying at my professor’s place.”

Piper laughs. “Oh god, this is too good. You have to tell me everything. Does he wear tweed jackets and non-prescription eye glasses, slick his hair back all proper?” Piper is laughing hysterically now.

“This is getting weird,” Anton says, standing. “I’ll catch you later, Sis. See you in class on Wednesday, Jude.”

“Can’t wait,” I say with mock cheer. Jesus.
I can’t believe he’s her brother
.   

It’s been three hours since I dropped Jude off at the dorm but it feels like days. Maybe this is the reason I’ve always been opposed to getting too close to her; because somewhere deep inside of me I knew I wouldn’t be able to function without her once that happened.

Because I’m not. I’m not functioning. I can’t focus on anything except how soft she is, how good she smells, the color of her skin, how she tastes. The way her nipple feels on my tongue… I’m thinking about that one a lot. The small, blonde triangle of hair between her legs; which is damn cute. I’m remembering the awful dream I had while sleeping on her breast. A dream where she wasn’t mine, and how relieved I felt when I woke up and found her holding me. I’m thinking about the fact that she’s my girlfriend, that she’s mine and how unexpectedly perfect that feels.

Mostly, I’m thinking about how happy she was. How un-Jude she was and I’m wondering if this is what I’ve wanted for her all along…
me
. If I am the happiness I’ve been waiting for her to find. Could it be that simple; could all of the troubles in both of our words fall away completely because we have each other? I don’t know. Right now it seems totally possible. Right now I can’t think of one thing that could possibly make me see red.

“Dude, get your head in the game,” Anthony scolds as I let another sniper take me out.

“Sorry man, I can’t focus on video games right now,” I say, throwing my controller on the coffee table; giving up.

“You are one love sick little puppy,” Rake says, trying to goad me.

“I am. In fact, I’m gonna go call my girl,” I say, standing up.

The guys start making smooching noises after me but I just laugh. There is no chance they are going to aggravate me right now. Maybe never. Maybe I’ll never be angry again. God, what an insane thought that is. I’ve never once thought that- that I could kick this anger that runs so deep in my blood.

But who knows. I never thought I’d have Jude, but now I can’t imagine life without her.

Anything is completely possible.

I sprawl out on my bed and grab my phone. I told her to call me before she went to bed but I can’t wait for her anymore.

“Hey, baby,” she says when she picks up the phone. She sounds a little tipsy.

“What are you doing, Jude? I don’t want you on curfew for another week.”

“I’m getting drunk with Piper. If I get in trouble I’m not sticking around for my punishment. In fact, I was kind of thinking about moving into the studio.”

I laugh. “If you get kicked out you’re coming to live in my bed. The studio’s not an apartment.”

“That sounds okay too. But I really like the studio.”

I hear a door slam in the background. “Are you talking to your booooy frieeend!” a drunk Piper says in the background.

“Yes,” Jude tells her. “I am talking to my
boyfriend
.”

“I’ll give you a minute. Don’t have phone sex in my bed.”

Jude laughs then I hear another slamming of the door.

“You at Piper’s place?” I ask her.

“If you mean her room… yeah, I am. I shouldn’t have come. That girl is more trouble than you are.”

“I’m trouble, huh?”

“The good kind of trouble.”

“I didn’t know there was such a thing.”

“Of course there is. If you’re having fun while getting in trouble, then it’s the good kind. God, I miss you. Is that crazy?”

“Hell, no. I miss you too. I can’t stop thinking about you,” I tell her.

“Tell me about it. I’m one of those stupid girls who can’t stop talking about how awesome her boyfriend is and how in love they are. That’s so weird…
my boyfriend
.”

“It sounds good to me.” And it does. It sounds damn good to hear her calling me her boyfriend.

She’s quiet for a moment. “Thank you, Luca,” she eventually whispers. “Thank you for giving into me.”

“I’m sorry, Jude… that I kept you waiting for so long. I shouldn’t have done that.”

“No, you shouldn’t have. But I survived. There must have been a reason you needed to do that. Maybe if you would have given into me from the start things would have turned out wrong.”

“I can’t imagine that… being with you being wrong.”

“Oh my god, you’re a changed man. Did you hear what you just said?”

“Yeah, I did. I don’t know how I could have ever believed anything else.”

“You were stupid. Very, very stupid. We’re perfect together. You should have listened to me.”

“I was a very stupid man. Thank you for not giving up on me.”

“I’ll never give up on you, Luca,” she says quietly, like she’s just sobered up completely.

Her words pull at my chest. They are true, true words. People have given up on me; a lot of people, everyone I know eventually gives up on me. People give up on her too. All the important ones; she’s lost her entire family. But not once has Jude ever given up on me.

“We can’t ever give up on each other,” I say with desperation. I can’t live without her.

“Never,” she tells me.

I close my eyes and take note of this feeling that is seeping through my veins, being dispersed to my organs. It’s like a drug; a sedative… ecstasy. I soak it in and pray that it never leaves me.

“Luca, you there?”

“Yeah. I’m here.”

“Okay, times up,” I hear Piper say as the door crashes open again.

“Go to sleep soon, okay,” I tell her. “No more alcohol.”

“Now you get to tell me what to do?” she laughs.

“Yes, Jude, I do. Because you’re mine.”

“Yeah, I am. I’ll see you tomorrow. I love you.”

“I love you too. Seriously, don’t get in any more trouble. I need you free. You realize, if you weren’t on dorm arrest, you would be here, in my bed with me, right now?”

“Oh god, Luca, don’t say that. That’s so mean.”

“Four more nights… if you stay out of trouble.”

“Ugh. I’m going to bed.”

“What?” I hear Piper protest.

“Good night, Luca.”

“Stay strong, sweet girl.”

I hang up the phone, smiling to myself like an idiot.

I think about trying to sleep, but I’m nowhere near tired. I shouldn’t have taken that nap on Jude today… it was great, I’ve never slept on a woman like that. I’ve never
slept
with a woman at all outside of Jude. But I’ve never slept with her like that… naked; our bodies tangled together; on her warm, full, perfect breast. It was pretty fucking great, but I’m gonna be up all night and it was a waste of the little time I had with her.

I need her here. In my bed, curled up next to me. I instinctually want to pull up her Facebook page and sift through photos, like I’ve always done when I missed her too much… or needed a reminder of how precious she is. But that’s not an option anymore. I only have the photos I saved: Young Jude, post-Facebook pics of Jude and Naked Jude.

I pull them up and look at them. I stare at Young Jude; my test picture, the one I always compared her too. It seems so stupid now. It’s just a photo. Who knows if she was even happy? She told me that there is a difference between being completely obedient and completely happy and I get that now; before I wouldn’t let myself understand it. Young Jude is obedient: someone picked out her clothes for her, braided her hair and told her to smile for the camera. But her eyes don’t shine like they did today. Her smile doesn’t reach her eyes like it did today. It’s just a staged moment of her life.

I flip through the handful of pictures I requested from her. She looks mad in most of them. Determinedly stubborn. Her eyes knowing, not telling me anything except that she knew what I was up to.

I take a deep breath before flipping to my last picture. This picture is real. This is
my
Jude. The one I wanted to see happy again. She took this photo for me and the message in her eyes is clear- she needs me. Not to protect her but to love her, to accept her and love her for what she is.

It would have been the next day that she went and changed her hair for me, that Arnie beat her. I was such a blind bastard. If I loved her right, I would have run to her, taken her from that bed and told her I would love her forever. I would have actually protected her instead of just telling her it was my job to protect her. If I would have loved her like I should have I wouldn’t have ever run away from her and she wouldn’t have gotten beat.

By the time I put the phone down I can’t even see her anymore- the way she was today. I can’t see her eyes or her smile. I pick my phone back up and open the dreaded text messaging app.
I know I told you to get some rest but can you send me a pic… I need to see your face.

I stare at the phone, expecting to wait a while, but her reply comes almost immediately. My heart starts racing before I can even make the small image out. I tap on it and it fills the screen. She’s in bed, as promised. Her naked face resting on her pillow. A sweet smile on her face, her eyes lit up with it.
My Jude
… the one that is part of me.

While I’m staring at the photo it closes down and is replaced with a text message notification.
Waiting… for mine…

I quickly open up the camera and snap a picture for her, sending it off so I can get back to mine. I open it up and just as quickly, it disappears.
Fuck
.

Why do you have your shirt on?

I whip my shirt off, open up the camera, take another picture while looking annoyed and send it to her, followed by a message.
I’m trying to look at my pic… stop texting me.

I open my picture back up. I stare at it until I have it memorized, until I can feel her happiness, until if feels real. Then I close my eyes and the image stays with me, the feeling of her in bed stays with me.