Between Black and Sunshine (8 page)

Day one of dorm life has been torture. It’s my own fault though. By the time I showed up here this morning, after seeing how well my new look went over with Luca, I had resolved to try to be the girl I have been training myself to be. A happy, well-adjusted, normal girl. Which I’m already regretting.

If I wasn’t pretending then I wouldn’t have to keep this smile plastered on my face and I wouldn’t have to interact with my floor-mates all day. I’ve spent the day talking about the guys in our building, the multiple party options for tonight, what would be the appropriate outfits for these parties and how we might score some alcohol. Pretending is exhausting and I have a headache. And I still have to endure “game night”.

It takes every ounce of will power I have not to break down and call Luca and tell him to come get me. I’ve already used up most of it avoiding his phone calls and the voice attached to them, and declining his invitation to be with him tonight. I promised myself I would try and I’m trying hard to keep that promise. I need to form a life outside of him, to not depend on him, to make him see that I am not some depressed, anti-social ball and chain.

I decide to go outside and get some air; take a break before I have to face all those girls again. It’s nice out here in the almost-dark. The sky is black but there is constant light from the streetlamps. I walk around the back of the building in search of a place where there is no light at all. I head up a hill but at the top of it I discover that there are just more buildings beyond it. I sit down, figuring this is as good as it’s gonna get.

“Hey, there,” a voice says and I startle, turning to where the voice came from and seeing the silhouette of a girl reclining on the grass; resting on her elbows with her legs stretched out in front of her and her face aimed at the stars in the sky.

“Jesus, you scared me,” I tell her.

“If you’re going to creep around in the dark that’s bound to happen. I’m Piper Post. I’d get up and shake your hand but I just smoked a killer joint and it knocked me on my ass.” Her words are followed by a loud laugh. “You want some? I got another.”

I’m tempted. Being high would be great right now, especially since I have to go back in for game night. But I haven’t smoked since the night before I got my acceptance letter to Portland University and I know I shouldn’t start now. “I think I’ll pass. I’m Jude Jones,” I tell her.

“Piper Post and Jude Jones,” she laughs to herself, “I think we’re supposed to be friends.”

I laugh too, not sure why exactly. It feels strange to say my name out loud like that. Turning eighteen was a big deal for me. On my birthday I not only took my mom’s name off my bank account but I also changed my last name back to my father’s. I don’t know if that’s much better than having Arnie’s but I knew that Joseph Jones was a good guy, a good dad, right up until the day he left us. All I knew for sure was that I didn’t want to be a Headstrom anymore. But I still went by the name at school. I didn’t tell anyone but my mom, Callie and Luca what I had done. This is the first place I’m Jude Jones again. “I’ll be your friend.” I tell the girl beside me whose face I can’t quite make out in the dark.

“Cool. I think I saw you at orientation. Are you the girl with the long, blonde hair and the crazy colorful eyes?”

I look closer at the girl and realize I saw her in the orientation crowd too. “Yeah. You’re the girl with the short, bleached hair and the crazy long eye lashes.”

“Bingo,” she tells me. “I knew I’d like you. I glimpsed some ink on your side when your shirt rode up, and I saw the holes in your nose and your ears where you used to wear jewelry. You seem like a good story, ‘The Girl Who Changed Her Identity’,” she says, stretching her hands out in front of her face like she can see the title on a marquee.

I’m tempted to tell her how right she is, it would be a relief to be myself.

“What dorm are you in?” she asks.

“Weaver Hall.”

“Don’t sound so happy about it.”

I hadn’t meant for my words to come out so flat. “It’s been a long day,” I explain.

“Didn’t see you last night at the meeting or the pizza party.”

“No. I wasn’t quite ready to be immersed yesterday. I’m trying today though. It’s exhausting. You’re in the dorm?”

“Yep. You would have known that had you stuck around for the festivities. It was hell. I’m trying to mentally prepare for game night. I can’t believe this shit is mandatory. I mean, what the hell? What kind of institution writes you up for not participating in pizza parties and game nights? Asinine. Sure you don’t want a hit?” she asks, taking out a new joint and lighting it. I can smell it and it smells damn good. “Game night starts in twenty minutes.”

Shit.
“Yeah, give me a hit.”

I don’t know if the fact that I’m high is making this process worse or better. When Piper and I entered the commons the rest of our floor was already there, split into two teams. Stephanie stood and tried to wave me over to her side but I panicked and took a seat with the opposing team. Stephanie gave me an annoyed scowl and I started laughing. I think that was inappropriate. Piper joined in and we were called out by our R.A., McKenna.

Since then I’ve been trying to keep my head in the game. The game being charades which is not good because every time a girl gets up there and starts in with her obnoxious gestures I break out laughing as my mind invents crude words to go along with the actions that are meant to be innocent and score points. Piper’s mind seems to be doing the same thing. I don’t know how much of this I can handle, I’m starting to sweat.

“Judith, you’re up,” McKenna says, cheerily.

I’ve been letting people in the dorm call me by my full name, but it’s pissing me off. I yell, too loud, “It’s Jude, no ith.”

“Okeydokey,
Jude
. You’re up,” she tells me, annoyed.

I stand and walk to her, grabbing the card with my movie title on it out of her hand.
Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants
. I know this is a not only a legit movie, but also a legit book, but still, it makes me burst out laughing. I try to stop but I can’t. I look at Piper who is practically hyperventilating and I laugh so hard I start crying. My eyes wander to the rest of the girls who look annoyed, like I’m holding up the best night of their lives.

“Judith,” McKenna grabs my arm, “I need to speak to you,” she tells me, walking me towards the door. “Anna, continue on with the game,” she snaps at her assistant R.A. When we’re out the door I yank my arm away from her hand. She gives me a harsh look but carries on down the hall, trusting that I will follow her all on my own.

We stop when we reach the door with the words,
McKeena Lewis, Senior Resident Advisor
. When we’re inside she shuts the door and turns to face me with her arms crossed. “Would you like to explain to me why you can’t seem to control your laughter?”

I stare at her serious face wondering how much trouble I can really get into for laughing. “I didn’t realize that laughter was a
don’t
.”

“Don’t be a smart ass. You missed the mandatory floor meeting last night where I went over the rules. If you had been there you would know that there are no rules against laughing.”

“So why are we here?” I ask.

“The use of narcotics is illegal on the Portland University campus.”

“Good to know. Lucky for me I don’t do drugs. Hate the things.”

“Your eyes are red,” she challenges.

“No they’re not.” My eyes don’t get red from smoking.

“Your pupils are dilated.”

That one is possible. “I have naturally large pupils.”

“Here’s the deal, Judith. I can prove that you’re high on marijuana. Campus security can give you a very simple test. But the security office is all the way across campus and I don’t want to leave Anna in charge for that long. Plus, I would have to fill out a pile of paperwork. We can do all of this, or you can admit you’re high and you will have a curfew for the rest of the week. Just so you know, if we do it officially it means suspension. It’s up to you.”

McKenna could be bullshitting me -suspension for smoking weed? That seems extreme, but I take her bargain anyway. “Fine,” I tell her, “I’m high.”

“Okay.” She looks pleased with herself as she grabs a pen and notebook off her desk and starts scribbling on it. “Sign this. It says you smoked marijuana and were high during an official floor function. Once it’s signed I’ll let all of this slide, but if you leave this dormitory past seven P.M. within the next five days, or if I so much as smell alcohol or marijuana on you I will bring the note to the dean. Deal?”

“Deal.”

“Oh, and your friend, Piper? She’s busted too.”

After apologizing to Piper then spending a couple of hours in her room talking to her and realizing how much I really like her, I head back to my own room to call Luca.

It takes him a few rings to answer his phone, and when he finally does the background noise is so loud I can’t hear him. Guess he decided to go out since I ditched him. “Hold on,” he yells into the phone. I hear people yelling out to him for a few moments before it becomes quiet. “Sorry about that. It’s getting rowdy in there. You gonna stay on the phone with me for a while? ‘Cause I think I’ll just head home if you’ll come with me.”

“Don’t go just so you can talk to me. I’ll catch you in the morning.”

“Hell, no. You haven’t talked to me all day. You think I’m gonna let you go now that you’re finally here? I want to go home, I’m going with or without you.”

“Fine, I’ll come,” I say, smiling into the phone.

“Good. How was game night?” he asks.
Shit
, I didn’t think about explaining what happened to Luca. I’m trying to prove to him that I’m good. “You there, sweet girl?”

“Yeah, sorry. I was just trying to decide if I should lie to you or not.”

He laughs but when he speaks his tone is serious. “No, you should never lie to me.”

I let out a long breath before speaking. “It was a long, mentally exhausting day so when my new friend, Piper Post, offered me a hit off her joint I took a couple. Then, during game night I couldn’t stop laughing. I got busted and I have a curfew for the rest of the week.”

“Well when you get kicked out completely you know you have a place to stay.”

“Thanks. Maybe I’ll keep it up.”

“Don’t do that,” he warns. “So tell me about Piper Post, I like her already
… Piper Post
.” I hear him running up his steps and unlocking his door.

“I like her too. She’s nothing like the rest of the girls in the dorm. She got mandatory curfew too so it shouldn’t be so bad.”

“What does that mean exactly? What are the hours?”

“I have to be home by seven.”

“We can work with that, assuming you’re willing to take a break from your dorm life every once in a while.”

“I’ll pencil you in somewhere,” I tell him.

“Good, because I miss you. It’s not easy knowing you’re so close and not being with you. And can you please answer my phone calls? Because I don’t want to text you.”

I smile and shake my head. I still can’t get over the way Luca seems to be letting us happen. “I miss you too. Sorry I didn’t pick up your calls, I needed to be here today and I can’t resist your sexy voice inviting me to dinner,” I admit. “How was your night?”

“It kinda sucked. I gotta tell you, sweet girl, I don’t know how I feel about having you here.”

“Am I cramping your style?”

“Yeah. I sat in a corner and pouted all night, waiting for a damn text to show up on my phone. I was one of those douche bags staring at his phone all night. It’s embarrassing.”

I laugh at the mental image. He’s not one to give a shit about his phone, I can’t really picture it. “This is so strange because I seem to remember you begging me not to come to you at all.”

“And this is exactly why I didn’t want you here. I was doing pretty damn well functioning without you when I didn’t have any other choice. But now that you’re here, now that I’ve had you naked in my bed, it’s a little hard to think about anything but getting you back here.”

“You know you can’t say that kind of shit to me unless you’re going to let me in.”

He’s silent for a while and I let him be. I’m becoming almost as cautious as he is now that he’s acting like I’m his. I know that’s not what he really wants. He needs to think before he says things like that to me because if he panics the minute I accept his offer and pushes me away again, it will break me. “How’s your back?” he says slowly.

Tonight he’s not offering himself to me.

“It’s okay. I’m really gonna miss your bed though. And your body. I’m sure Stephanie and I will both be dreaming about you tonight.”

“You shouldn’t give that girl a hard time. You think girls are looking at me because they want me but really they’re just curious.”

“Ha!” I laugh. “Curious about how it would feel to have your body on theirs. I’m not stupid.” I’m suddenly curious myself, about Luca and women. It’s something he doesn’t talk about with me. I’ve never discussed the handful of guys I’ve let touch me with him either. I have to assume that in the two years since he’s been gone that he’s messed around with a girl or two. I also assume there was never anyone he was serious about, like a girlfriend.