Between Black and Sunshine (10 page)

I’m chewing on the inside of my lip, trying not to laugh. It’s really not funny that she can’t accept that I’m done fighting myself. Why would she believe me? It was just days ago that I told her we would never happen- the same thing I’ve told her a thousand times before. “I’m selfish, sweet girl, I want you so bad. I want you to be mine. You deserve so much better than me, but I don’t want anyone else to have you. Jude Jones, will you please be my girlfriend?”

She starts laughing and my lungs start functioning again. “Your girlfriend?” she asks, dubiously.

“Yeah,” I say, smiling at her, liking the sound of the word. “As in, the woman I’m dating. The only girl in the world for me. The only one I love.”

“So you would be my boyfriend?”

“Yeah, I think I should be your boyfriend.”

“I’ve never had a boyfriend,” she says, getting used to the idea.

“I’ve never had a girlfriend. I think it’s time.”

“I’ll be your first girlfriend.”

“You’ll be my only girlfriend. Ever.”

“Yes.”

“Yes?”

“Yeah,” she says quietly, “I want to be your girlfriend,” she tells me before sliding her tongue in my mouth and pressing down on me, hard. This is going to be okay. This is going to be good, I can make this work.

I stare down at Luca in disbelief. At his beautiful, deep blue eyes that are looking, so hard, into mine in makes my heart hurt. His eyes are not black, they’re midnight blue; he’s happy. He wants me to be his and he’s so happy. This is not a guilt induced breakdown. This is him letting go and being genuine and letting himself have me.

My eyes wander between his eyes and his wet mouth that I just pulled myself out of, just to double check that he means what he says. Just to make sure he’s really mine.

“What?” he asks, his eyes heavy with satisfaction.

I bring my hand to his beautiful face, holding this perfect man that is mine. “Do you know how happy you made me? Do you know the only reason I live is to have you? And you’re letting me. You’re letting me be yours. And it feels so damn good. I’ve never been this happy before. I’ve never felt like this.”

“I’m going to be good for you, Jude. I’m going to love you more than anyone has ever loved. I’m going to be strong for you.”

I smile at him. “I know you will.” He is good. He’s always been good. My eyes are drawn to his mouth again and I can’t stay out of it anymore. I lean down to him, smashing his mouth with mine, sucking in the burn as his tongue enters my mouth. Feeling the burn travel down my body and between my legs. I push down on him again and he lets out a low moan as his fingers travel under my shirt, lifting it away from my skin. He pulls off my shirt and then reaches around and unhooks my bra. His hands move slowly as he gently pulls it away from my body. He becomes harder beneath me as he takes in my naked breasts. I lean my hands back on his knees, allowing him to look at me the way he never lets himself do.

“Jesus,” he mutters. His hands slide up my stomach and cup my breasts. “These are mine,” he says in a low, hungry voice. His eyes flicker to mine.

“They’re yours,” I tell him. “You can have any part of me you want. I’m yours.”

His fingers round my breasts and I shudder. His big hands feel so good on me like this. It’s been so long since he’s touched me. His fingers are torturously close to my nipples. I arch my back and push myself into his hands.

“You’re mine, Jude,” he tells me.

“All of me.”

His thumbs slide up my breasts and I suck in a breath and then he rubs them over my hard nipples, pulling at them, and I almost lose it. “Luca,” I breathe. It feels so good. I look down at his eyes. They look hungry…feral. I’m happy for him. He loves me, he loves my body and he’s letting himself have it…
finally
.

He holds onto my breasts, leaning into them.
Oh god
, he’s going to put his mouth on me. I press my aching insides into him. He’s so close I can feel his breath on my nipple. “Please, Luca,” I beg him.

He lets himself then, he lets his tongue drag across my nipple. A satisfied huff of breath leaves his mouth. I feel so desired, so wanted and it’s doing strange things to me. To my insides. His mouth covers my nipple and then I feel him bite, and then suck me.
Oh my god
. “Luca, that feels so good,” I whisper.

His hand and his mouth are on me and I can’t handle it anymore. I need to touch him. I reach down and pull on his t-shirt. He takes himself off of me so I can pull it over his head. “You are incredible,” he tells me as our eyes meet.

“I need you, Luca. I need more of you.”

He stands, with me still attached to his hip. Bending over, he pulls on the bottom of the futon and the couch collapses into a bed. “I’m yours, Jude,” he says, laying me, gently, on my back. “Does that hurt?”

“No,” I say, and this time I’m not lying. I feel nothing but pure pleasure. He straddles me, holding himself over me. He doesn’t look away from me when he unbuttons and unzips my jeans.

“I want to look at you Jude, at your beautiful, naked body. I want to be allowed to look at you.” His eyes are full of pain, as if he still can’t accept that this is okay.

“Yes,” I tell him, lifting my hips so I can push my jeans and underwear off. “I want you to look at me.” He leans back and pulls my clothes off of my legs, discarding them on the floor. I’m naked now, underneath the man that I have always loved who has never allowed himself to really look at me.

His eyes move slowly up my legs. He pauses when he gets to the top. He’s never seen me naked here. “It’s okay,” I tell him. “I belong to you.” He takes a deep breath and lets his hands rest on my hips. They move slowly inward until they are at the base of my stomach.

He looks at me again with doubt in his eyes. “Feel me,” I whisper. He looks back down, letting his fingers trail a path around the small mound of hair that’s there.

“You’re so soft,” he says with awe. His fingers move over me now. His hands on me feel so right, like they belong there. He rubs me gently, not allowing himself to go any lower, any deeper. I want him too. I want that so bad but I know he needs time, to adjust. To accept this.

His hands move again, up my stomach, sending chills through my body. His fingers splay out over my torso and move up to my breasts. I expect him to stop there, to linger. He touches them completely, every inch of them, but then he moves on; up my neck, to my throat. He caresses me softly, feeling every inch of my skin. I’ve never felt loved like this. No one has ever wanted me like this.

He rounds my shoulders, moves down my arms and over my fingers; touching each one gently. My eyes don’t move from his face, from the peaceful look that resides there. It’s possible, I think to myself, that he has wanted me all this time, as much as I have wanted him.

He’s making lazy circles on my palms now and I think he has touched every part of the front side of my body and I definitely don’t want him moving on to the back where any sign of damage might ruin all of this, so I bring my hand to his face, asking him to look at me. He does with his blue eyes that look liquid. “I want to touch you too,” I tell him.

“I’m not done touching you.”

“You can still touch me, but I want to touch you too. All of you.”

“Okay,” he says, standing. I watch as he undoes his belt and steps out of his jeans. He pauses like he’s considering stopping there.

“Naked,” I tell him.

He laughs and then does as I ask of him. He pulls his boxer briefs off and stands, naked, before me.

“Holy shit,” I whisper taking his entire, beautiful, body in with my eyes. Every muscle,
every muscle,
on his perfect body is so tight, so big, so hard.

“You’ve seen me before, Jude,” he tells me, like I’m over reacting.

“No Luca, I have not. I have never seen you naked. My god, Luca,” I tear my eyes away from his body and search his, “you are perfect.”

“No, Jude,” he says, lying down next to me. “You are the only perfect one here.” His mouth tightens and I can tell his mind is getting distracted. He’s not talking about our bodies anymore. I don’t want his mind to leave me so sit up and straddle him, like he straddled me, except I let my body rest on his, placing myself directly on top of him.

“Shit,” he mutters, closing his eyes as I easily slide myself over him. He lets me do this a few painfully good times before clamping his hands down over my hips, stopping my movement. I groan in protest, my body pounds in protest. “That’s too close, sweet girl. That’s too close for me.”

“But it feels so good,” I whisper. “You feel so good on me.”

“Argh,” he growls. “I want to keep you here, right where you are, where I can feel you and see you so perfectly, but you can’t move.”

“I want to move,” I push my hips against his hand but he holds me in place.

“If you can’t stop, Jude, then I have to move you off of me. I really don’t want to do that.”

“Luca,” I say, staring into his eyes, trying to tell him how much I want this, how much my body needs this. “I want you inside of me.”

“Damn it,” he mutters, lifting me off of him and pulling me down onto his arm, folding me up there, tight into his body and claiming my mouth with his.

My arms fold around his shoulders, my hands fisting into his hair. It’s not enough, I’m not close enough so I hitch my leg around his hip and pull myself as close to him as I possibly can. He lets me. He pulls me closer. Every inch of my body is fused to his. Every inch.  I soak it in, I let my skin meld with his and I know that this is close enough. For now, us, together, with nothing between us, is close enough.

I want to look at his beautiful face, but he’s sleeping so soundly, his head resting on my breast, I don’t want to wake him. I run my fingers through his hair and let my other hand run up and down his arm, touching him wherever I can. I touch him because right now I can’t believe that he’s real, that his naked body is intertwined with mine and he’s okay with that- sleeping soundly, even.

This… I was not expecting. All the preparing I had done for him, all the changes I made for him… none of that mattered, that’s not what he wanted. What he wanted, what he’s always wanted, is me.

All those lines that he fed me that I thought were bullshit, were true. He wants me, he just didn’t want me to want him… because he thought he would hurt me. But he told me, himself, that he’s strong, he doesn’t have to hurt me.

I don’t want this day to end. I never want to leave this bed. I don’t want this to be my space anymore; I want it to be ours. I never want to be here without him. I don’t want anything without him.

I’m watching the shadows cross the wall with the sinking sun. I know I will have to wake him soon, that it must be getting close to seven. I kiss the top of his head then reluctantly slide my body out from under his. As soon as our skin separates he startles awake, “Jude,” he says with panic in his voice.

“I’m right here,” I tell him, leaning in to kiss his soft lips. His arms instantly wrap me up and his body comes alive against my thigh. I let myself kiss him, lingering in his mouth, letting my tongue taste his. But then, with mental strength I didn’t know I had, I ease out of his mouth. “You have to take me home,” I whisper.

“Shit,” he says, standing up, offering me his hand. “I didn’t mean to fall asleep.”

“It’s okay,” I tell him, scrounging around to find my clothes while he does the same. “We have tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow’s Tuesday, you’re done at ten.”

“Don’t you ever have to go to class?”

“My electives are done, I’m all studio now.”

“Critiques, lectures…?”

“Yeah. Not this week. All I got to do this week is be your boyfriend.”

I smile at him like I’m the happiest girl in the word. Because I am… I am the happiest person in this world.

Come 2 my room.

Is that allowed? Am I on room arrest?

U wnt us there?

No. Coming.

This is so stupid. I’m seriously scared to leave my room. When Luca brought be home at 6:55 McKenna was waiting at my door just hoping to bust me. I feel like I’m at a Catholic boarding school.

It just makes the studio sound a million times better. That studio, with Luca in it, is gonna change my life. After this week I’m done with the dorm. If I’m not at the studio I’ll be at Luca’s.  Screw this fitting in, proving I’m normal b.s.

Despite my thoughts, I take a detour to McKenna’s room just to make sure I’m not breaking any stupid rules that this twenty-one-year-old, power tripping, bitch is making up for me to abide by. The door is closed so I knock. “Come in,” says an overly cherry voice. Clearly she’s not expecting me. I put on my smile and open the door. Her smile is immediately replaced by a scowl. “Judith.”

“Hey, McKenna. You can call me Jude. No one calls me Judith, not even my mom. I just wanted to let you know I’m going down the hall to Piper’s room. Didn’t want you to worry if you stopped by to check on me.”

“Do you think that’s a good idea?” she asks.

“I think it’s an excellent idea.”

She scowls at me. “You are allowed to leave your room, Judith, just not this floor.”

Good to know
. “Okay, thanks. You can call me Jude, by the way. No one calls me Judith, not even my asshole stepfather.” I close the door and head down the hall to Piper’s room, feeling more like myself than I have in months.

I can hear voices and laughter from halfway down the hall. I know it’s not her roommate she’s having such a great time with. Her door is open and I stop when I see who she’s laughing with. It’s that douche bag T.A. from my lit class.
Fuck
. What the hell is he doing here? In a dorm room? That’s just creepy.

My body is turning in slow motion, preparing to sneak away before I can be spotted, when Piper sees me. “Jude, get your ass in here,” she yells, standing up from the bean bag she was sitting in.
Shit
. She’s up and pulling me into the room before I can think.

I’m staring at the guy and he’s staring back at me. He looks just as unpleasantly surprised as I am. Oh god, is he her boyfriend? Was Piper’s boyfriend hitting on me?

Piper flops back down to the bean bag, pulling me along with her. The guy is sitting on the edge of the bed looking down at us. “Jude this is my brother, Anton. He feels bad that we’re stuck here so he stooped
, oh-so-low
, and came to the dorm to visit me and bring me a gift,” she says, reaching under the bean bag and pulling out a bottle of vodka.